Stupid Technology

Why does the internet ONLY crash when I have work windows open that took me quite a while to research, while I'm actually working on an article? HOW DOES IT KNOW?Also on my list of people who need a good hard kick in the crotch with a steel-pointed boot, or at least to have their neither regions set on fire: * Those who fail to return my phone calls, because I need them to so I can write.* Those who fail to return my E-Mails, even though I have such trouble writing them myself.* Those who fail to pick up the phone when I call, because I didn't have an answering machine message planned out.* Answering machines, for making me sound like a total moron incapable of structuring simple sentences.* Google (I understand that Google is not a person, and would be amenable to substituting a high-powered member of the Google team, or perhaps a mascot dressed up as Google.)* Whoever is doing construction outside while I'm trying to write, and feels the need to shout obscenities at anyone walking by.* My mother for believing that writing doesn't count as 'real work' and asking me to run fucking errands for her every five minutes, and generally being a miserable, whiny wench. I love my mother, but seriously. * Sarah Palin, for a plethora of reasons, the most obvious being that she exists at all. Although she also deserves the blame for my mother screaming like a cat on crack whenever she comes on the television.* Myself, for compulsively editing the article I'm working on because I can't get the tone right, which is ridiculous as I am not writing a hard-hitting expose on Enron, but a pleasant and enjoyable article about a charity. Yet I have an insane urge to call people up and demand the fucking money, Lebowski.* The Big Lebowski, for being on TV every night this week and filling me with the false hope that, perhaps, today will be kooky and entertaining, and filled with delightful and colorful characters, and that Sam Elliot will narrate my life with his mellow Southern twang.* Safari, for crashing, and asking if I want to report it. No, I do not want to report your sudden closing. I want you to stop fucking closing, and let me do my work, and get on with my fucking life. This is a curse-heavy post. Shield your children's eyes.* Indian food, because I am not eating any, and I have been craving it all week. Ditto good sushi.* Everyone who reads my blog and doesn't post comments.* Everyone who doesn't read my blog, because the numbers are down this month and I've actually been updating frequently, and I don't know how to get more people to read it.* Kellog's. For those Pop-Tart commercials.* Whoever made that popcorn video I posted, because it isn't true, and that made me sad, even if on the plus side my brain will no longer be slow-roasted to perfection whenever I get a phone call.* Jennifer Anniston. She knows what she did.OK, that served no purpose and didn't even make me feel any better, but I cleared out my skull and can now get back to work.- LV

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