Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Election Day - 1:00 P.M.

Funny and sad all at once:

Things have slowed down the networks, as they slowly realize we all have several hours to go before we actually have anything to report on.

It's like everyone is waiting for the big football game to start, only the team is busy snorting crack and chasing giggling hookers through a church (or whatever pro football players do before a game), so the announcers are forced to entertain thousands of drunk, surly fans for hours while the coach calls the SWAT team to bring in the players. And the crowd starts to hate the announcers, because they can only say so much about how great the game will be before violence seems like an entertaining diversion. Not that I'm encouraging violence.

On MSNBC, John Harris from Politico is trying to give a concise and intelligent analysis of the race while some emergency alarm squeals in the background and bright lights flash out their concern.

According to this chart from Open Left, the polls are usually incredibly accurate. Which is a good thing for those of us rooting for Obama, but not really enough reassurance to make me close my laptop and go shopping.

Polling places opened late in Virginia, and there are some issues in Pennsylvania. Wasn't this supposed to be the election where we DIDN'T have any of these problems? Isn't this period in time stressful enough without the machine exploding, or deleting all the votes? People are waiting for hours in line to vote, there was a report of a woman FLYING to Florida from Philadelphia, if memory serves, and she had to wait for like two additional hours before she could even get to the machines.

I was worried I'd break the machine. Technology and I don't get along. With my luck, the thing would burst into flames, or somehow vote ten thousand times for McCain. Then I'd be in jail for voter fraud, and he'd be President, and the other inmates would beat me up and do all the awful things I never saw on Oz, because the concept of that show freaked me out so much I couldn't bring myself to sit through an episode. That didn't happen, luckily. The machine worked... BUT FOR HOW LONG?!

Gawker has some remarkable pictures of the lines people are enduring in order to vote. It makes me feel slightly guilty that my own experience was so painless and quick.

On Facebook, we're up to 1,842,964 votes. I'd normally point to this as a sign that young people are indeed voting, giving the metaphorical middle finger to the establishment, except for the fact that I know an awful lot of older people (middle aged and elderly) who have Facebooks. Besides being creepy, it's skewing my totally unfounded thesis that young people are voting. But I'm going to keep saying it, if only to shut up the smug older people I know who insist that the Youth of America will spend today getting stoned, having unprotected sex, and grooving to Whitesnake.

Election Day - 12:00 P.M.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have been blogging for five hours. Seven hours until the polls close. I'm drinking Diet. Dr. Brown's Black Cherry Soda, and have a full case of Fresca, and five more of these caffeine-filled babies. And alcohol, for later.

The View doesn't really count as 'news' per say, but I do like watching Elizabeth Hasselback temper-tantrum like a spoiled infant over poor John McCain, and how evil Barack Obama is. Even this morning she was yelling about Reverend Wright. I can't even work up the energy to roll my eyes anymore. We get it. You dislike the man. He is the root of all evil, and may in fact be responsible for the New Coke debacle.

Sherri Shepherd was on target today, and usually she's kind of a drip. She pointed out that the McCain party has been swiftboating Obama since the beginning of the campaign, and Hasselbeck nearly shot venom out of her nostrils. Then Shepherd earned my respect for the day, and possibly the week, by pointing out that if Hasselbeck is so worried about integrity, why isn't anyone up in arms over McCain leaving his DISFIGURED wife for after her tragic car accident for Cindy "Crypt-Keeper" McCain. How's that for integrity, you cantankerous old lech? Oh, but that's OK, because she's blonde and rich. And Elizabeth Hasselbeck sulked in the corner during the Dennis Hopper interview. I hope her handlers up her meds for the day; she's going to need them.

Susan Molinari looks very unhappy on MSNBC.

Two obscenely cute little kids just discussed how Obama won their school's election, by what margin, and what they'd like to do when they grown up. They were very poised. One was younger than my brother. If my brother was put in front of a camera with thousands of people watching, and people dressed up as donkeys and elephants cavorting behind him, he would have howled, "I BELIEVE IN GODZILLA!" kneed the elephant, and possibly mugged a sweet little old lady. Clearly, my family should not be allowed near the political arena.

I laugh every time I hear them say Dixville Notch. Because I am immature and sick of watching people stand in line.

Election Day - 11:00 A.M.

FOX News is already trying to manipulate the goddamn vote. Mike Carvin (whose parents lived across the street from my aunt and uncle - small, scary world) is on discussing soldiers from Virginia who are overseas and claiming that they're being disenfranchised. Carvin is suggesting they wait ten days to count their votes.

Now, everyones vote should count. Not 'especially' men and women serving. Everyone's vote should count equally. Whether you are fighting in Iraq or going to work every day, your vote should count. Those soldiers should absolutely have their votes count. That goes without saying. But waiting ten days will kill me. If it's a really close race, OK, I get it, and I'm sure the losing side will kick up enough shit to get the attention they want on this matter. But ten days. Guys, if this goes to ten days of waiting, I'm not blogging it. You'll be bored, and I'll lose what's left of my mind, and my poor blog will collapse from the weight of my angst. And I don't think the country can wait ten days. I really don't.

Anyone remember the 2000 Election? Does this country learn NOTHING from its past mistakes? Or is FOX News stuck in an eternal loop from 2000, still reveling in the glory days when THEY correctly predicted the next President? I don't know.

"Why is Election Day always on a Tuesday? And why is it always in November?" Yes, FOX News. Yes. Because in these tense times, these are the questions America is asking. This is what we need to know on a day that will "go down in history." As always, a beacon of wisdom and sense in a chaotic and turbulent world, shining light in our darkest hours. Thank you, FOX News (and the newscaster lady with the insane blonde hair). Thank you.

Note: I said I'd watch all the news channels - I never said I'd be happy about it. You can't expect me to be nice to FOX News.



OK, this makes me want to be a little nice to FOX News. Or at least Shepard Smith, who seems like he might actually have a brain. He must be lonely at his job. The whole thing is bizarre Joe The Plumber madness, but the real hilarity comes from Smith himself at about 5:16.

See? I can be "Fair and Balanced!" I win!

Election Day - 10:00 A.M.

Now voters in New Jersey are having trouble with the stupid electronic machines.

Voter turnout is guaranteed to break records.

Nine hours until the polls closed. Virginia, Indiana, and Georgia close at 7:00 P.M. (well, half of Indiana). Jesus, I have nine hours of this to get through before I see ANY RESULTS?! And Alaska won't close until 1:00 A.M. I'm going to be homicidal AND catatonic, the first time that has ever occurred in history.

Pat Buchanan, why do you continue to support Sarah Palin's existence? It makes me sad. What would Hunter (S. Thompson) say? He'd probably call you a miserable bastard and throw a bottle of alcohol at you.

STOP using the phrase "path to victory" when discussing McCain. You can talk about him all you want, but find a new freaking phrase. It makes me think of a bad old-time movie that they show on Sundays on TNT, right before reruns of Conan and Xena: Warrior Princess.
They've said "path to victory" in this discussion at least five times. Although they seem to be leaning towards "McCain's last stand" as the new "phrase to piss off ElleVee."

Barack Obama is going to campaign in Indiana today. You have to give the man credit, he ain't quitting any time soon.

852,247 people on Facebook have voted.

"Dance of Democracy" is a phrase I've decided should be used far more often. Dance, Democracy, Dance! Dance, you foolish trollop!

Dan Rather's voice is like God's voice. If he announced Obama was President right now, everyone would quietly pack up their things and go home. Of course, after the 2000 disaster election, where the only idiot bigger than Bush was Gore for not fighting for this win, no news station will ever be caught naming a winner before every last vote is in. Which is disappointing, as I would enjoy the nerve-shattering experience of every news station claiming a different President. Imagine the chaos: someone would declare Ron Paul a winner, and the national alcoholism rate would skyrocket from sheer stress.

Reuters is reporting a tie for Florida. McCain is leading by one point in Indiana.

I keep yelling at the TV, only to be gently reminded that A) They can't hear me, and B) it's a little after ten, and hundreds of thousands of people still need to vote. But I don't care. I am nervous, and intend to stay nervous, until I learn The Truth and either celebrate with alcohol, or console myself with lots of alcohol.

Oklahoma polls close at 8:00 P.M. EST.

Babeland, a sex shop, is giving away free vibrators to those who vote. That's a damn good incentive, and I'm sure there's a joke about politics screwing you in there, but I'll let you write it.

Election Day - 9:35 A.M.

Just got back from voting (and a much-needed caffeine run). As I've said before, my first time voting was in the miserable Kerry/Bush election of 2004. Voting was pretty much a disaster. I had to send in an absentee ballot, and getting the damn thing was a nightmare. I was on the phone for days, screaming at whatever poor sap was unlucky enough to pick up and demanding my Constitutional right to vote. I was in college, living in New York City, and was registered in my home state of New Jersey. My roommates - those that voted at all - had similar problems. One of my friends doesn't think she even got her ballot in on time. I filled out the little paper, and sent it in without any sense of hope or pride. It was like filling out a college survey - impersonal, and vaguely depressing.

This time was different. I even brought a book, (Hunter S. Thompson, of course) prepared to wait for hours if need be to vote for my Candidate. It wasn't needed; the whole thing took about twenty minutes. I didn't even need to show ID. The line moved quickly, and everyone was super-friendly. Since you can't really discuss politics in the voting area - unless you want to risk being escorted out by angry, well-muscled security guards - everyone acts like it's a friendly gathering, and makes small talk about inane details. I chatted with the woman in front of me about her baby, who was indeed cute, when really I wanted to grab her and demand to know her affiliations. It's so charged right now. I come from a small town, but I have to say I've never seen that many people in one place at one time. They woman working there confirmed that voter attendance was the highest she's ever seen, and she's been doing this for decades. So I guess whoever wins this election really is the person we want. I hope we get the candidate we need, and not the one we deserve.

I am sick and tired of these talking heads who keep saying that history is being made because Obama is black. Ignoring the fact that Obama is half-white, it's the PRESIDENCY. History would be made if it was two fat old white dudes, or two hot women, or a black guy and a gay guy, or a conjoined twin. History will be made regardless of the candidate's race, sexual preference, economic background, or height. It's a stupid thing to say. But I guess right now everyone's stuck twiddling their thumbs until the polls start closing.

In Columbus, OH, the polling machines are breaking and people are leaving, according to MSNBC. At times like this, I really hate technology. Unacceptable. Write your choice on a piece of paper and hand in the damn thing. It worked for the boat people in The Dark Knight. Wait, it kind of didn't. Actually, that scene makes an upsetting allegory for the political process, so forget I mentioned it.

The Marist Poll says that Barack Obama will beat John McCain 52% to 43%. Obama has led since the poll began on September 25th.

David Sedaris has written a brilliantly funny piece for The New Yorker on undecided voters. This is my favorite part:

I look at these people and can’t quite believe that they exist. Are they professional actors? I wonder. Or are they simply laymen who want a lot of attention?

To put them in perspective, I think of being on an airplane. The flight attendant comes down the aisle with her food cart and, eventually, parks it beside my seat. “Can I interest you in the chicken?” she asks. “Or would you prefer the platter of shit with bits of broken glass in it?”

To be undecided in this election is to pause for a moment and then ask how the chicken is cooked.

I mean, really, what’s to be confused about?


You can read the rest of the piece in the link.

I'm due to update again in two minutes, so I'll leave you all be and take a brief breather.

Election Day - 8:00 A.M.

* Wonkette has a hilarious page of bullshit stories on Barack Obama. No word on his army of baby-eating unicorn warriors, though. That shit is UNDER WRAPS.

* Virginia hasn't voted Democrat since 1964. So this will either be an amazing day that will overturn prejudices (can you overturn a prejudice, like a car?) or will reinforce every stereotype about Americans that the rest of the world holds dear.

* This is a great polling primer. I have yet to find a poll that says McCain will win. But, as Stephen Colbert said last night on The Colbert Report, it's all a big JOKE! McCain is pulling a fast one on us. He will win, and Sarah Palin ISN'T an incompetent, unqualified lunatic who believes Jesus killed the dinosaurs and that evolution is just a silly joke.

* I'm totally going to watch Indecision 2008 at 10:00 P.M. EST. If I'm still awake, and alive, and able to focus my eyes.

* These politicians (all of them) really are remarkable. They campaign for months (years, in this case), they fight and claw their way to the top, they put themselves and their whole families out on the line, and the DAY everyone is voting on their future, and the future of the country, they have to smile and nod and act like it's no big deal. It's just another day, going to do my laundry, hi-dee-ho, la-dee-da.

If I was running for President (in an alternate universe where ANYONE would consider me a viable option), on Election Day you could find me curled up under one of the foldout tables, chain-smoking with a bottle of Wild Turkey, weeping and biting the ankles of whatever poor intern was unlucky enough to pass me by, and screaming for more Tab , and possibly prank-calling my worthy opponent pretending to be Santa Claus, saying I hated him, and no presents for YOU. This, and a few other reasons, is why I have no interest in politics.

* CNN is promising tomorrow will offer a retrospective on whoever is our next President. Meaning somebody had to make up an entire show on the loser. Meaning one of those will be trashed tomorrow. Meaning HOURS of a person's life have been wasted making a show that will have no historical value whatsoever. I imagine sad, sad CNN interns clutching the useless video discs to their chest, and being consoled by older, wiser employees: "The pain fades, kid. I had a three-hour show on President Al Gore. Now I use it as a coaster for my beer on the long, lonely nights."

* More states are open for voting. I have to go get dressed to embark on my own voting experience. I can't say how long it will take (voting, not getting dressed. I like makeup and playing with my hair, but I have PRIORITIES), but I promise to offer a full, detailed report on my activities and experiences. I'll hopefully stop at Dunkin Donuts at some point, otherwise I'll collapse before Alaska's polls open at noon. And that would be embarrassing. And unprofessional.

* One of the pundits on CNN has a lisp. I know that's in poor taste to mention, but she's saying remarkably intelligent things, and her lisp is distracting me. Lisp is a hard word to say if you have a lisp. I need caffeine.

Election Day - 7:30 A.M.

Obligatory, apologetic half-hour post:

First impressions, watching CNN:

* I suspect a lot of the announcers want to guess on a winner, and are frustrated by the fact that they have to be fair and balanced. Personally, I want them to grab the camera and scream, "Barack Obama is going to win! Vote for him or be mocked by family and friends!" They won't do that, but I'd appreciate it.

* 7:34 A.M.: Obama currently has a slight lead. The lines to the polls are incredible. I've never actually seen that many people going to vote. Over 180,000 people on Facebook have already voted, and it's 7:36 A.M. That's more people than are registered fans of Sushi! Good sign? I dare not say.

* 26 states are voting, and James Carville's big bald head is optimistic about Barack Obama.

* There is a poll of polls on CNN. That's like the vortex. How can you poll polls? Will there one day be a poll polling the polling of polls? Is this what finally drove Dr. Seuss over the edge? Strange questions, on election day. I do like the idea of CNN crashing the entire interweb with it's poll polling.

* Every time a Republican comes onscreen to insist McCain is going to win, I get twitchy. Like, a little homicidal in my twitchiness. I hate the forced cheeriness, and I know it's still anybody's game, but really, I'd love for my Republicans to confess if they think McCain is going to lose. But not Democrats. They must be positive, NO MATTER WHAT.

* They're STILL showing that idiotic video of Barack Obama and Reverend Wright. Really? Is that all they've got? People are VOTING, and they're still showing that the dude at his church was bonkers? That's what we're going with?
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