Election Day - 8:00 A.M.

* Wonkette has a hilarious page of bullshit stories on Barack Obama. No word on his army of baby-eating unicorn warriors, though. That shit is UNDER WRAPS.* Virginia hasn't voted Democrat since 1964. So this will either be an amazing day that will overturn prejudices (can you overturn a prejudice, like a car?) or will reinforce every stereotype about Americans that the rest of the world holds dear.* This is a great polling primer. I have yet to find a poll that says McCain will win. But, as Stephen Colbert said last night on The Colbert Report, it's all a big JOKE! McCain is pulling a fast one on us. He will win, and Sarah Palin ISN'T an incompetent, unqualified lunatic who believes Jesus killed the dinosaurs and that evolution is just a silly joke.* I'm totally going to watch Indecision 2008 at 10:00 P.M. EST. If I'm still awake, and alive, and able to focus my eyes.* These politicians (all of them) really are remarkable. They campaign for months (years, in this case), they fight and claw their way to the top, they put themselves and their whole families out on the line, and the DAY everyone is voting on their future, and the future of the country, they have to smile and nod and act like it's no big deal. It's just another day, going to do my laundry, hi-dee-ho, la-dee-da.If I was running for President (in an alternate universe where ANYONE would consider me a viable option), on Election Day you could find me curled up under one of the foldout tables, chain-smoking with a bottle of Wild Turkey, weeping and biting the ankles of whatever poor intern was unlucky enough to pass me by, and screaming for more Tab , and possibly prank-calling my worthy opponent pretending to be Santa Claus, saying I hated him, and no presents for YOU. This, and a few other reasons, is why I have no interest in politics.* CNN is promising tomorrow will offer a retrospective on whoever is our next President. Meaning somebody had to make up an entire show on the loser. Meaning one of those will be trashed tomorrow. Meaning HOURS of a person's life have been wasted making a show that will have no historical value whatsoever. I imagine sad, sad CNN interns clutching the useless video discs to their chest, and being consoled by older, wiser employees: "The pain fades, kid. I had a three-hour show on President Al Gore. Now I use it as a coaster for my beer on the long, lonely nights."* More states are open for voting. I have to go get dressed to embark on my own voting experience. I can't say how long it will take (voting, not getting dressed. I like makeup and playing with my hair, but I have PRIORITIES), but I promise to offer a full, detailed report on my activities and experiences. I'll hopefully stop at Dunkin Donuts at some point, otherwise I'll collapse before Alaska's polls open at noon. And that would be embarrassing. And unprofessional. * One of the pundits on CNN has a lisp. I know that's in poor taste to mention, but she's saying remarkably intelligent things, and her lisp is distracting me. Lisp is a hard word to say if you have a lisp. I need caffeine.

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