David Carradine

Reports are coming in that David Carradine died. This makes me sad. He was the man in Kung Fu, and was the original creator of badassery and Win in the Kill Bill movies. Seriously, you could believe Uma Thurman would go for him, because he was that hardcore. He was a great actor, and fun, and had the best voice. He could take the shittiest of cinematic travesties and make them fairly cool, at least for the time he graced the screen with his presence. And that voice. The voice of hardened souls and killer angels. He had a great voice. It would soothe you and hypnotize you, and then he'd kill you, and you'd be HONORED.
And my generation loved him, because he was like the coolest version of your grandfather, who'd teach you life lessons and beat the shit out of you when you deserved it, but in a world-weary and affectionate way. His eyes had stories he'd never tell, and you'd only get hints of his mysterious past, and you were GRATEFUL for those hints.
And I am saddened by this news. He was 73, and still could have kicked everyone's sorry ass.
It seems wrong to write about silly things after that, but I'm going to anyway. Hopefully Mr. Carradine would have found that amusing. Or not given a shit, which is much more likely, and allowed me to live simply because he did not have the time to kick my pathetic carcass.
I think a Kung Fun marathon is in order. David Carradine, I salute you sir. You will be sorely missed.

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Bruce Campbell Can Slam Revolving Doors.

Blog
* So I realized I miss funny blog titles, and Burn Notice is starting tonight, and it stars Bruce Campbell, so you know what? We're having Bruce Campbell titles mixed in with the quotes. Yes, stop weeping with gratitude. I am generous. And watch Burn Notice, because Bruce Campbell drinks beer and wears tacky shirts and makes funny jokes. WHAT ELSE DO YOU NEED IN LIFE?

Food
* This is a grilled cheesecake sandwich:

[Found at Neatorama]
You take slices of cheesecake, put it between pieces of buttered pound cake, and fry the bastard. This will kill you within three minutes of eating it, less if you are lactose intolerant. This will also be served at my wedding to Russell Brand. I think this might, MIGHT be too much of a good thing. Like I love insanely unhealthy and disgusting food as much as anyone, but seriously, it's fried butter and cheese and cream and lard and carbs and... and now I want one with my coffee. So that backfired.

Comics
* I am posting this because it is Big News among certain comic circles, but before I write anything else, you must understand that I do not give a shit about Archie, Veronica, Betty, or that freak Jughead. By now you know that Archie is engaged to Veronica, and we are all supposed to feel bad for Betty, because she is sweet. Screw that. Veronica is rich and fun and spoiled, and would be much more entertaining. Also she is a brunette, apparently (I always thought her hair qualified as black, but what do I know, right?) so brunettes win forever, even when winning means you have to be stuck with a freaky loser like Archie for the rest of your life, the end.

Words Of Win
* Toddler accidentally buys $15,600 digger on auction site. I hope the parents traded the child for the digger.

Movies
* This is creepy, how things coincide on my blog. I do not plan ANY of this, honestly. The universe just DOES these things, in a continued mockery of logic. All things will be made clear later on in this blog. Anyway, Get Him To The Greek is going to be the best movie ever, because Russell Brand is returning as Aldous Snow, complete with tattoos and Sex Hair and singing and wisdom, and I will be there opening day, hopefully with Mr. Brand himself, because I think he is teh sex. Click this link for clips from the set, which I will NOT be breaking into, how dare you imply such a thing! Those tickets to Vegas are for a friend. THEY ARE. Don't look at me.

Stupid People
* Clearly the most oppressed and maligned group in this country is made up of white males. No, seriously, there is a group that has been created to stop the prejudicial behavior against white men. Because clearly women have been getting it easy for too long. I mean, it's true. We get paid more, we have all the top jobs, we constantly sexually exploit men, leaving them at home to raise the fruit of our wombs while we go on to fancy corporate jobs, and control most of the government. God, women, we as a gender should be ASHAMED of ourselves for exploiting men in such a callous way. Really, my uterus shames me today. Incidentally, did you know women are a resource that men deserve access to? I did not.

Books
* The following is quite possibly the best headline of the day: "At The Javitzz Center I Sat Down, Wept for Amerikan Book Publishing and Beat Stephen King to Death With a Kindle"

Star Trek
* This video raises so many deep, important questions:

Why is Zachary Quinto being doused with milk? How does one get a job dumping milk on Zachary Quinto? What are the qualifications? Why is he so angry about getting milked dumped on him? That IS milk, right? RIGHT? Most importantly, why do I find this almost obscenely sexy?

Remake!Fail
* Dear Tony Scott: You will always have some coolness points with me because of your involvement with True Romance. Once upon a time you made goodish movies (Crimson Tide, anyone?) But Warriors? First off, standard remake!fail. The original doesn't NEED a remake. Secondly, if you ARE going to do a remake of Warriors, you do NOT turn it into a serious meditation of modern gang-life in LA. You are not Paul Haggis, making movies about shit you don't understand and trying to Say Something Important. And while I'm sure everyone wants an Oscar for something they don't deserve (I hated Crash AND Million Dollar Baby, I AM SORRY), this is not the way to go about. You can have this remake, if you remain true to the source material. The source material SCREAMS Tony Scott remake. Think about it. I don't want to have to slam you with a full remake!fail, but I will. Don't push me. Cautious Love, LV

Daily Hot Guy

[Alan Tudyk, naked and tripping on drugs, from the movie Death at A Funeral. This was the best part]

And another twofer day. Happy Birthday, Russell Brand (my imaginary fiancee).

May your birthday have sexy fun and witty repartee and amazing hair.

TeeVee
* No. I watched one episode of Fringe, and as sexy and charming as Joshua Jackson is (SECRET TEAM PACEY), I had no fucking clue what was going on, except some naked chick was pregnant with something and like exploded. I don't remember. I was tired. I also figured it would get cancelled. Now I find out that the show got progressively better throughout the season, and by the season finale was fantastic and an icon of good television.
To this I say no. I have NO TIME for another TV show. I don't. I'm going to list all my shows at a later date, and you will understand my struggle. Because I do have a life. Honest. I have friends and relationships and family and a job. And I already have to psychotically keep track of like ten shows. I AM TAPPED THE FUCK OUT. I'm already TRYING to get into True Blood, and people keep harassing me about the Tudors. I am overwhelmed. I ALREADY HAVE TO DECIDE BETWEEN HOUSE AND HEROES ON MONDAY NIGHTS. LIFE IS HARD ENOUGH. Seriously though, is Fringe worth a nervous breakdown? Because Joshua Jackson alone is kind of worth that.

More later. Try not to set anything on fire while I'm gone.
- LV

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People Didn't Hit You Over The Head With Farmhouses Back Home.

Blog
* The above title comes from the brilliant pen of Terry Pratchett, maker of all things good and the God of Delights in the Pantheon of Gods. Other Gods may include:
* Alan Moore - God of Chaos & Wisdom & Grappling Hooks
* Joan Didion - Goddess of Introspection & Bumming Everyone Out
* Joss Whedon - God of Quips & Killing My Favorite Characters
* Patti Smith - Goddess of Language & Covers & New Jersey
* Hunter S. Thompson - God of This Blog & Anything Else He Wants To Be The Goddamn God Of
* Margaret Atwood - Goddess of Blowing Your Mind While Teaching You Important Lessons About Society
* Warren Ellis - God of Technology & Creative Curses
* Noam Chomsky - God of All Media
* Howard Zinn - God of History
* J.K. Rowling - Goddess of Latin & Franchises & Killing My Favorite Characters (there can be two, if I want)

There are many more gods in my atheistic multiverse, depending on my mood, but I don't feel like listing them all, unless someone asks nicely, then I probably will. There are minor gods, too. Michael Bay is the Minor God of Big Loud Explosions.
You have to be a writer to be a Major god. Writers create. Sorry, them's the rules. That I just made up.

Watchmen
* I am sort of torn between anticipation and dread when it comes to the edited for TV version of Watchmen. If it's a flawless editing process that does no shame to the movie, I will be happy. If it is as bad as From Dusk Till Dawn (where they must have used women to dub over Clooney & Tarantino) or Snakes On A Plane (which is somehow even funnier without the cursing), it will be worthy of a drinking game, and there will be rejoicing. But what if it's only kind of crappy? What if it's just, dare I say, eh? Then someone will have to be smited. At least FX didn't get the rights. Also, what kind of deal involves both Watchmen AND Ghosts of Girlfriends Past? One with SATAN.

Technology
* This kind of freaks me out, although I honestly can't say why:

[Found at Wired]
It's a flat light-bulb that uses LED and a battery to light up. Not scary at all, right? Quite clever, actually. And yet it makes me leery, like this is the first step of infiltration from some awful two-dimensional world, the kind Stephen King would have written about back when he was still scary. Or if you spend any time around this bulb, things start to look flat, then everything but you looks flat, and you're trapped in some awful world where nothing is real but you, and you jump out a window, but it's flat, and fall to your gruesome death on the (flat) pavement. I am certain I'm the only person who feels this way.

WTF, INTERNET?

[Found at WorldOfWonder]
I am not offended by this clock. I simply cannot stop staring at the swinging cow-balls. I know they are not swinging ONSCREEN, but they are out there, in the world, and they are swinging to keep time. Cow-balls. Think about it. Imagine if these were in every office in the world. Nobody would ever get any work done. They are fascinating on some basic human level, and terrifying in their pendulous swinging. Plus, it's funny to imagine someone explaining this work to their friends: "OK, it's a cow clock, right? But - here's the brilliant bit - THE BALLS SWING. Isn't that geniu- Hey, where are you going?"

Zombies
* Yes, this Wired article is about corporate zombies, not REAL zombies. I do know that. But corporate zombies are scary in their own way, and what if this is all an elaborate cover to explain when the REAL zombies show up, huh? Didn't think of THAT, did you?

Animals
* File this under, 'I Could Not Possibly Love Someone Who Ever Did This, With A Few Notable Exceptions:'

[Found at Neatorama]
Look, these things are adorable, and incredibly clever, and I could never make anything half as entertaining. Hats off to the creator. But if a guy on a date leaned over the table and whispered, 'I make the heads of little felt animals and hang them from my walls,' I would be the girl running screaming into the night. I'm judgmental like that. However, if someone BOUGHT this for me, I'd laugh and be charmed. That's kind of hypocritical, yes? Too bad, I'll be the one with feltidermy and you with NOTHING.

YouTube Wonders
* I can't decide if I like this because it's actually funny, or because it proves that there are people out there willing to dress up as Rorschach:

Frankly, I don't care. BEANS. And KITTIES.

WhedonVerse - New Category!
* And the categories NEVER STOP. Anyway, Anthony Stewart Head is a MEAN MAN. First he's in Repo! The Genetic Opera making me feel uncomfortable for having sexy feelings towards Giles, and now he's talking about how shitty a non-Whedon Buffy movie would be AND acting like there's going to be a Giles spin-off, when that will never happen, for so many reasons, mainly because the universe HATES US ALL. Mr. Head, STOP. WE CAN'T TAKE MUCH MORE OF THIS. QUIT PLAYING GAMES WITH MY HEART (with my heart). Or make the damn spin-off, and kill of my favorite character, the end.

Depression Session
* This is an article on canning you own food. My grandmother used to do this, back when everyone was poor and you had to walk fifteen miles to school in the snow with no shoes on, uphill both ways. We will soon be like this again, only everyone will be Tweeting about how THEIR hill is the steepest and THEIR snow is the coldest, and someone will post pictures on Flickr of their frostbite. This article is actually kind of silly, because it presupposes that people will still have food to can. Canned food is also handy to have around during a zombie apocalypse, when running to the grocery store for food will become an Extreme Sport of Death.

Girly Shit
* These are utterly ridiculous:

[Found at IncredibleThings]
Have you ever tried walking on the beach in high heels? I have, at summer parties, and I have to say, it is a death trap. You can break your damn ankle. And doom upon you if you dare to have a drink. You will fall down and die, or sink into the sand and flip backwards, and nobody will help you because you look like a total asshole and you will totally deserve their mockery. And what if you are swimming in these babies, and the heel gets caught on something, and you drown? How embarrassing would that be? 'Oh, she died because her scuba gear was humiliating.'
However, I might pay money to see some celebrity - Paris Hilton, perhaps? - trying to run around looking sexy in these things.

Tattoo Of Win
* This is the worst kind of brilliant:

[Found at WorldsBestEver]

And that is all for tonight. Good night, and good luck.
- LV

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I Got Stabbed! Right Here!

Blog
* Today's title comes from Firefly, which won my survey by a LANDSLIDE, and is the best show to be cancelled ever, except for Arrested Development, of course, but that's DIFFERENT.

Firefly
* Well, according to my survey, and common sense, and God, everyone misses Firefly like burning. And who doesn't? WHO, I ASK YOU? Anyway, the movie only made me want MORE (and also to ask Mr. Whedon why everyone I love in his universe DIES HORRIBLY. IT STARTED WITH DOYLE AND NEVER STOPPED. DUDE), and I sort of agree the Firefly was the best series Whedon did. OK, that's a lie. I think Angel starting in season three or four was the best, or at least had the best episodes ("Smile Time" alone should have won the Nobel Peace Prize for AWESOME). It went insane, but the acting was brilliant, and Alexis Denisoff was a revelation as Wesley, who I HATED for YEARS because he replaced Doyle, and I honestly prefer Angel to Buffy, which makes me a freak. But I digress. And apparently, those of you who don't love Dollhouse better start right now, because its success could mean good things for the future of Firefly. And all those FOX execs wouldn't have to lock their doors against angry, vengeful Browncoats anymore. I'm lying again - they totally would. Or if you're really against Dollhouse, for whatever reason, you could just buy a ton of boxed sets of Firefly. You can always use a few more.

Survey Results
Here's MY list of the Best Joss Whedon Shows:
1. Angel
2. Firefly
3. Buffy: The Vampire Slayer
4. Dollhouse

Here's yours:
1. Firefly (57%)
2. Buffy: The Vampire Slayer (40%)
3. Angel: The Series (17%)
4. Dollhouse (4%)

Obviously, we have some issues to work out. I'm not surprised Firefly won. I do believe it's overall the most solid of Whedon's shows. Maybe because it was short. But it was consistently wonderful. And the universe he built was fascinating. GOD DAMN IT, FOX, I MISS THE SHINY.

Vampires
* Totally unrelated to anything at all, I started watching True Blood last night, and DAMN that is a naked show. Everyone is naked all the time. But I enjoy it. No fucking sparkly bullshit there, no siree bob. But this makes me nervous about my own vampire book, which is nothing like any of these but how much vampire can people handle? And could my book EVER even COMPARE to such goodness that is out there? I am full of insecurity and self-doubt. Anyway, here's an article about a 400 year-old 'real' vampire skull, even though everyone knows vampires turn to dust when you stake them, so this poor woman was suspected of being a vampire because she liked her steaks rare and was probably the first ever goth.

[Found at Bloodcopy]

TeeVee
* This is why FOX is evil. EVIL.

[Found at io9]

Hunter S. Thompson
* WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK:

[Found at BoingBoing & sent to me by lovely readers]
THIS IS A FEAR AND LOATHING BOARD GAME. HAVE YOU SEEN THE TITLE OF THIS BLOG? THIS SHOULD BE MINE. I DO NOT CARE WHAT THE HELL THE GAME IS, OR HOW IT IS PLAYED. I NEED THIS GAME FOREVER. I DESERVE THIS GAME. BUT IT IS EXPENSIVE AND I DO NOT HAVE IT. SOMEONE NEEDS TO GET ME THIS NOW. I WANT TO RUN AROUND WITH A SUITCASE FULL OF FAKE DRUGS IN THE BACK OF MY HONDA CIVIC AND SCREAM AT MY FRIENDS, 'WE CAN'T STOP HERE - THIS IS BAT COUNTRY!' AND SPEED THROUGH THE BACK ROADS OF NEW JERSEY UNTIL MY FRIENDS VOMIT ON THE CARS OF OTHERS AND WE GIVE THE DRUGS TO STREISAND FANS AND TRASH HOTEL ROOMS, AND WHEN THE COPS COME, I WILL SIMPLY SAY, 'But sir, now it's my friend's turn!' AND WE WILL ESCAPE. I AM INSANE WITH THIS NOT BEING MINE.

Science Fiction - New Category!
* I need to organize my categories. I have too many, and some go away and never come back, while others are regular staples in our blogging lives. I will do that when I have TIME and ENERGY and THE WILL TO LIVE. Anyway, June will be a good month for those of you who don't have the LSATs. There will be Eureka and Pushing Daisies and book signings and conventions and DVD releases and movies, and comics. Always, comics. Click here for io9's exhaustive list of the fun the rest of you can be having this month, while I study. It helps if you live in California, which I do not. And never will.

Furniture
* I really, really want this couch:

[Found at NubbyTwiglets]
Is it a couch? Or more of a loveseat? What's the difference? Who decides what qualifies as a couch? I don't know. Nor do I care that I have no money for such a thing, nor anywhere to put such a marvelous object. I could strap it to the top of my car, I suppose. That would make a terrifying study experience.

Cars
* These stickers are funny:

[Found at IncredibleThings]
Unfortunately, I suck at parking sometimes, and would end up using most of the stickers on myself. This might increase the humor factor for people around me, but would ultimately crush my spirits and self esteem. I'm not good at parking. I'M SORRY. I just can't parallel park very well. I can park in spots like the ones in the sticker, but parallel spots suck. I fail at life, don't I?

Politics
* Is anyone else really uncomfortable with GQ's attempt to make Levi Johnston sexy and rugged?

[Found at TheWorldsBestEver]
I just... I do not understand. He had sex. Not to be too graphic, but he had sex. THAT is why we know his name. He had sex, and the girl got pregnant. That is the end of his story. There is no reason whatsoever to do a spread on him in a major magazine. I do not want him to become some sort of sex symbol, or icon, or anything. I also do not know why he needs to be shirtless to change his child's diaper. The only bright spot in this whole situation is that Levi's very existence seems to irk Sarah Palin to no end, and mayhap one day she will arrive at his house with reporters and eat him, then go on Larry King to explain that it's the liberal bias, praise Jeebus.

Apocalypse How? - New Category!
* For the record, the title of this category almost certainly has assured me a place in hell. I am aware. This category will be about the possible ways the world could end, or we'll all die, or anything that seems to predict the End of Days, like Spencer and Heidi's existence, or the fact that I know who they are.
But, for today, instead of inexplicable celebrities, we have a mutant bacteria bio-fabric that will poop out spandex and then eat your face, and our heroes will be naked men and women with big guns, and really, anything that makes MORE spandex in the world is probably evil, right?

Daily Hot Guy

[Rorschach, AKA Walter Kovacs, AKA Don't Call Me Water, AKA Crazier Than A Snake's Armpit, having an angst-filled moment with Dan Dreiberg]

Doctor Who
* This is going to be the new Doctor's new companion:

[Found at io9]
She's cute, and I want red hair (if I cannot have blonde hair, which I am FIXATED on right now. I blame Lady Gaga. For everything), but I'm getting a bit tired of the 'cute girl the Doctor will have a complicated thing for because she's not Rose' situation. That was part of the reason I loved Donna. There was love, but no real sexual tension. It was nice. And maybe I'm still hoping for the return of Turlough, who I had a wicked crush on as a youth (he was the Fifth Doctor's companion for a bit, and had a really fascinating story-line) and I keep hoping that his son or something will show up, which is random, I know, but at least it would be INTERESTING, yes?

Time for work. Updates later. What should the next survey be about? Commenting HELPS, people.

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Why Can’t I Have Hair & Money & Him Nothing?

Blog
* Today's title comes from Arrested Development, which WILL BE A MOVIE, BY GRABTHAR'S HAMMER, BY THE SUNS OF WARVAN.

Depression Session
* This dude made a guitar out of a chopping block:

[Found at CrunchGear]
I sincerely long for the day that Metallica tries to rock out on these babies. Soon even famous musicians will only be able to afford Chopping Block Guitars, and Fenders will be looked on as the Holy Grail, a glorious thing made almost obscene by how many we lost. Images of the Who smashing theirs will cause grown men to weep.

YouTube Wonders - New Category!
* This whole category was inspired by reader/finder of awesome Julie.

This made laugh, a lot, at work. If I get fired for this, she has to pay all my bills, forever. It's in the Bible. Also, if Sham-Wow guy wasn't doomed to be an eternal joke before the hooker-biting incident, he is now.

Girly Shit
* Success in our time! Flip-flops, the shoes I hate and loathe more than I should considering they are something you wear on your feet and nothing else, are bad for you. HAHAHAHAHAHA. You all called me crazy for insisting on wearing boots and sandals and sneakers in summer. Crazy, am I? Well, I may be crazy, but MY feet and ankles won't be beacons of pain this summer, and I will outrun you all in my Converse sneakers and Steve Madden sandals. I WIN.

Tattoo Of Win

[Found at LOLTATZ]

Food
* This is bacon soap. It is scented like nothing:

[Found at LikeCool]
One day soon, everything in our lives will be made of bacon.

Comics
* This is absolute and complete bullshit. This guy who collected manga could serve 15 years in jail for child pornography. Because manga has some graphic, twisted shit in it. As do many comics/books/movies/TV shows. There was no actual pornography found at the guy's apartment. It's not as if he had a sekrit undahground collection of naked little kid pictures. Then he would deserve prison. But manga? That's bullshit. Imagine what would happen to you if someone looked through any of your collections. Hell, some of the things in Watchmen are weird and obscene. Should I get arrested for having rented a copy of The Woodsman? Or Happiness? Can I be convicted of murder because I own the Sin City series? Or prostitution? This undermines everyone's rights. This is fucked up. And the fact that he pled guilty, probably for a bargain, makes things even worse. What sort of precedent does this set for the rest of us? Answer: A bad one.

Moment of Win

see more Fail Blog

Movies
* I like Michael Moore movies. Even if he has his own interpretation of reality - and really, who doesn't - his films are invariably watchable compelling, and create a dialogue. You know his stance from the beginning, so it's not brain-washing unless you've been living under a rock. Even if I disagree with what he says sometimes, or question his methods, he's a bright man with something to say. So yes, I will be seeing his new movie. It sounds like a long episode of Depression Session. I wonder if I can get some sort of marketing tie-in...

Stupid People
* A man robbed a 7-11 with a sword. DUDE. Texas ROCKS.

Books
* Guillermo Del Toro, the mastermind behind Pan's Labyrinth and the Hellboy movies, is writing vampire books. Vampire books that are supposed to be good, and wherein the vampires do not sparkle. Not even a little. Not even when they are covered in glitter. Go buy them NOW. Because I can't. I am broke. Click the link to watch a video trailer for the book, which is in and of itself a wicked cool concept.

Star Trek
* If Star Trek is a religion, then I am totally no longer an atheist. I don't strictly buy this, for a lot of reasons that are outlined in the article, but also because my true religion would be a more complete (mind?) melding of Star Trek, Watchmen, & Doctor Who. Can someone make that a religion? I need guidance in my life. Also, my religion would have sugar cubes, phasers, and sonic screwdrivers. Can we work in Firefly too? I'm NOT BEING SARCASTIC. STOP LAUGHING. You are all sinners in my eyes.

Remake!Fail
* Dear Jonah Hill: You are a funny guy. I am not arguing that. You made me laugh in both Superbad and Forgetting Sarah Marshall, although in the latter I was honestly more focused on Russell Brand without a shirt than anything else. I wish you a long and happy career. But you need to understand something. You are not allowed to remake 21 Jump Street. Maybe you didn't watch it as a kid, as I did, with my older cousin who should have known better since I was a wide-eyed innocent lass who was not ready for the badassery of Johnny Depp, or to learn about drugs and gangs. Maybe you did watch it as a kid, but you didn't get it. It is a time capsule. It is perfect in its flaws and remarkable in all ways. It was a stupid, funny, sometimes insightful show with bad hair and worse outfits, and I loved it. There is NO WAY you could recreate this without taking away all the things that made the show so well-loved. Of course, if Johnny Depp and the original cast want to reprise their roles, I don't think I'd have the heart to complain. But YOU want to play Johnny Depp's role, and I don't have enough bandwith to explain all the FAIL in that idea. Don't make me hurt you. Love, LV

It was pouring rain - pouring - five minutes ago. Now it is sunny. And now I am off to study things that no girl should have to study. Wish me luck.
- LV

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Alan Moore Wrote The 'Harry Potter' Series While On A Bad Acid Trip. He Then Sold Them To Rowling For A Baggie Of What He Later Discovered Was Oregano

Blog
* Enjoy the title of this entry, my friends, because it is the last time you will see an Alan Moore title. I ran out. So instead, we will be using quotes from movies/TV shows/books. So I bid you farewell, Mr. Moore. Thank you for not killing me for taking your name in vain.

Technology
* I love the idea that a little kid (OK, a teenager, but compared to an old crone like me at 23, he's a BABY) cracked a 300-year old math problem, and is totally like Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting, only younger and in Sweden, and without the added benefit of being Matt Damon. But I wish I could have sat in on the phone call to the experts when they learned that a kid who can't properly SHAVE solved a problem they never had a chance of figuring out in their entire, miserable lives. I imagine it went like this: 'Hey, Bob? Remember that grant to work on that math problem? Yeah, we're fucked.'

Politics
* Did you know that every time you make fun of Dick Cheney, you're making fun of Jesus? Also Rush Limbaugh. THESE are the saints of our time, people. Although Jesus wasn't a saint, but I don't think I can even make jokes about Cheney and Limbaugh being the sons of God, because COME THE HELL ON, MAN. BUT BUT BUT if Dick Cheney is for gay marriage, doesn't that mean Jesus is for gay marriage, and it should be legalized? But Limbaugh is against gay marriage, and for eating puppies, so can we only eat gay puppies? This is why you should have only ONE Jesus proxy. Otherwise, shit gets confusing.

Doctor Who
* More proof that David Tennant's Doctor will not be leaving us just yet. He's going to have a full-on role in the Sarah Jane Adventures. I am happy about this, but still verging on demented because he shouldn't be leaving. Legally. Morally. Ethically. He just should not be allowed to leave Doctor Who, until I say so. Which would be never. Ditto Russell T. Davies. I've said it before, and I've said it again: loving Doctor Who is subjecting yourself to eternal pain, torment, and loss.

Watchmen
* Continuing my obsessions with A) Watchmen, and B) the Watchmen DVD, here is something that ONLY mentions the Blu-Ray getting the End is Nigh game, thus proving my paranoia is JUSTIFIED. HA. I obviously am ignoring the bits about the game being nothing but a shit sandwich, because clearly that's Communist propaganda. LIES.

WTF, INTERNET?
* This is a product that proudly screams, "I hate my child, resent its birth and even its conception, and would like you to pound it into hamburger meat for being such a drain on my time and resources":

[Found at DVICE]
Or it says, 'I love Star Wars more than I love my child or my child's safety, and I have NO CONCEPT of how socially damaging this backpack will be. I want my child to be an eternal virgin, sitting crying (naked) in my basement in his forties, hugging his only friend, his R2D2 back-pack. Which I will then sell on eBay for a tidy sum, because collectibles bring in MONEY."

Zombies
* I would love this thing. Should zombies attack New York, I would not want to be inside a large building without it.

[Found at DVICE]
The problem would be when I would use this thing constantly. Constantly. I would rappel out of my workplace to avoid unwelcome memos. I would rappel out of bars to get away from creepy guys. Don't want to stand in line at the movies? Rappel. So by the time the zombie apocalypse comes along, my Rescue Reel would have about 150,000 miles on it, and fall the fuck apart at a crucial moment, plunging me to my humiliating and all-too-expected death, the end.

Daily Hot Guy

[Russell Brand, AKA Aldous Snow, AKA That Man Who Made The Jonas Brothers Cry, AKA What's The Deal With His Hair?, AKA Shagger Of The Year, undressing you with his eyes]

I lied. We get a bonus Hot Guy today, because. Happy Birthday, Zachary Quinto!

You are sexy and talented and make me retarded with lust. Well done.

Animals
* I can haz a hotdog:

[Found at TheWorldsBestEver]
But why is it judging me with its sad, puppy eyes?

Music
* As I've said before, if you follow me on Twitter you already know I have converted to Team Gaga (although I am a member of the small splinter group, Team Gaga We Love Your Music & Think You Are Badass Now Put On Some Pants Or A Skirt Or Something, OK? We're working on the name.) And I want her hair. With that hair, I could get Zachary Quinto or Russell Brand (or BOTH). Anyway, this is the song/video that turned me (although Paparazzi is a fucking incredible video, I like this song better). I want to live in this video. And the song is lodged in my brain.

Also I'd like her lipstick and her money. With it I would buy those gloves, but skirts and pants too. SEE? I STILL HAVE MY MORALS, DAMN IT.

More later, I promise. Going to be late for work.
- LV

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Alan Moore Was The Hunter Who Shot Bambi's Mother. He Then Wore Her Carcass Like It Was A Coat While He Made His Rounds At The Children's Hospital.

Life
* Happy June! And it's a Monday! And I have seven days until the LSATs! KILL ME NOW! I also may be the only person in America who didn't watch the MTV Movie Awards, and yet I've seen huge chunks thanks to the internet. I boycotted because all those evil little tweens voted for everyone BUT Watchmen. Monsters. Also, if you follow me on Twitter, you already know that I have gone from hating Lady Gaga to loving her. Her music really is amazing. And I love her hair. But I still want her to put on pants, so I've got my morals, RIGHT?

Movies
* Welp, America, it was nice knowing you. We've had some good times over the past 200-odd years. And some bad. A lot of bad, let's not kid ourselves. It's mostly been shit. But there have been some good times, and those are what I'll try to remember. For, you see, the third horseman of the apocalypse has shown up. And I wanted to bid you farewell before the fourth one shows up, and it's all crazy and there's no time for us to talk civilly. For, you see, they are making a movie based on a chewing gum. Nostradamus prophesied this as the beginning of the end. Prepare yourselves.

Stupid People
* When I was a kid, the big threat was those wristband-bracelet things that you smacked against your wrist and they curled up like a bracelet. Because some kids would like stab each other in the eyes, or they would smack themselves with such force as to leave bruises. Then, in high school, it was those rubber bracelets that reportedly if broken meant the breakee would engage in deviant sex. Either I went to the wrong high school or wore the wrong bracelets, but that shit never happened to me or anyone I ever met. But it COULD HAVE. DARK TIMES, MAN. Now the big crisis is hugging. SAVE THE CHILDREN FROM FRIENDLY PHYSICAL CONTACT. FLEE. Really, THIS is the new anxiety for parents? When I was a kid we had school shootings and drugs and violence. Now you're worried your kids will give into the peer pressure of HUGGING? Where the fuck are these people coming from, and what idyllic fantasy world do they live in? They're probably all in line to see the Bazooka Joe movie.

Books
* This kid is my hero of the week/month/until I find someone else worthy of being my hero. His school banned a bunch of books, most of them classics and essential reading. So, he created a lending library in his locker. Of banned books. I wish this kid had gone to my school, where they cut a chapter from I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings because it would make all the girls lesbians and give all the boys lesbian-induced boners, and where Catcher In The Rye was exposed as a thinly-veiled homosexual treatise. My school had some issues, yes? But really, this kid is great. Freedom of speech, and he's doing a great thing. I hope he keeps it up. My hat is off to you, young man. You rock.

Star Trek
* I try to keep reality and fantasy separate, because the doctors in white coats warned me about what would happen if I thought my next-door neighbor was Magneto and tried to stop him from pulling the iron from my blood again. That was awkward. But even the most rational and dead-souled of us must secretly wish real life was more like Star Trek, which is a perfect world and there are SEXY VULCANS FOR ALL. OK, that isn't the point, but it should be, because even if we all live in a world where the pursuit of nobility and happiness beats out the pursuit of money, my pursuit of happiness will never be complete without a pointy-eared Vulcan.

Remake!Fail
* Dear Nicolas Cage: Stop it. You were wonderful in Raising Arizona. You were great in Leaving Las Vegas (although the book was better, and Sean Penn probably should have won for Dead Man Walking, but considering where both your careers are now I think he'd let you have that). I had a horrible crush on you due to City Of Angels, but I was in middle school so let it go. But now you are remaking/sequeling Bad Lieutenant. This movie is famous for starring Harvey Keitel's penis, and lots of drugs, and being so goddamn disturbing that I am not even mentioning specific scenes. There is no need to remake this movie. And I do not want to see you naked, ever, or doing drugs, and I am sick of your sad little toupees. Also, how the HELL did you trap Werner Herzog into directing this? HOW?! Herzog took a bullet and kept doing an interview, and saved Joaquin Phoenix from a car-wreck. He's like Superman, only BETTER. So let him go make awesome movies, and you can get to work on National Treasure 3: Parchment Of Secret Mysteries. No Love, LV

TeeVee
* I missed the premiere of Glee, because I fail at life. Is it only Hulu yet? Anyone know where I can find it? I NEED TO SEE WHAT I MISSED AND RECTIFY THIS TERRIBLE MISTAKE.

Daily Hot Guy

[Robert Downey, Jr. AKA Tony Stark AKA Who Cares What I Call Him He's Lying Naked In A Bed, Lying Naked In A Bed]

Geek Want
* I am trying very hard to quit smoking (with debatable success). It SUCKS, and I think I need to wait until I finish the LSATs before I can do it without ripping someone's throat open to suck the nicotine from their throat. Anyway, these socks are funny:

[Found at TheWorldsBestEver]
They may not help me quit smoking, but they are entertaining, and will provide me hours of amusement as I bitterly calculate all the money I have spent on cigarettes. And novelty socks.

TwiHate
* Maybe I should start being nicer to Stephenie Meyers...

[Found at xkcd]
She can kill us all with a few flowery words.

Travel
* I want to go to this hotel. It's soundproof, and filled with breakable stuff. I want to go to a hotel and smash the shit out of things and howl like a beast and scribble on the walls and pretend I am Courtney Love back in the day, before the plastic surgery and crazy and drugs and Bad Life Choices overwhelmed her talent and awesome. In fact, I could PLAY old-school Hole while I smashed stuff. I'm breaking out my old copy of Pretty On The Inside. And planning the Best Vacation Ever. Who's in?!

[Found at BoingBoing]

It's a lovely day, and nothing has exploded yet. Let's see how long the peace lasts.
Fatally,
LV

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