There are two sets of quotes today, due to technical difficulties. You're welcome. Love the quotes.
"Love is what seperates us from animals "
"No, Lister. What seperates us from animals is that we don't use our tongues to clean our own genitals. "
"Frankenstein was the creator, not the monster. It's a common misconception, held by all truly stupid people."
"Last time I only failed by the narrowest of narrow margins."
"You what? You walked in there, wrote, 'I am a fish,' four hundred times, did a funny little dance, and fainted."
"Well, when it's not serious when your genitals can go wandering off on their own, I wonder what is?"
"What's it feel like?"
"Death? It's like being on holiday with a group of Germans."
"It's my duty, as a total and utter bastard."
"We don't run, we strike. It's the last thing they'll be expecting."
"No, the last thing they'll be expecting is for us to turn into ice-skating mongooses and dance the Bolero, and your plan makes about as much sense."
"Why don't you smegging-well smeg off, you annoying little smeggy smegging smegger!"
"Look, I think we've all got something to bring to this discussion, but I think from now on the thing you should bring is silence."
"Oxygen's for losers!"
"HIT THE WALL, GO ON, HIT THE WALL! YEAH! YEAH! WILL YOU SHUT UP RIMMER, SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP!"
"Obviously, we have professional disagreements. But, I mean, nothing with any side to it. Nothing malicious."
"SHUT UP, YA DEAD GIT!"
"Excuse me a second, Lister, will you? STOP YOUR FOUL WHINING, YOU FILTHY PIECE OF DISTENDED RECTUM!"
"We're gonna cut you up so fine the worms won't even have to chew."
"You can't frighten me! I'm a coward! I'm always scared!"
"Now this three-dimensional sculpture in particular is quite exquisite. Its simplicity, its bold, stark lines... pray, what do you call it?"
"The light switch."
"Ah, I couldn't buy it then?"
"Not really. I need it to turn the lights on and off."
"This "Master" character, and I acknowledge that I may not want to know the full answer to this one, but why does he want me oily in particular? Obviously whatever he has in mind is facilitated by my being slippery and pliant, yes?"
"He always likes his victims to be oiled. An oiled body is so much better for conducting the electricity."
"Not the best news but it could have been worse."
"I don't loathe myself. What is there one could possibly loathe about me?"
"Would you like the list sir?"
"What list?!"
"Sir, you don't have to be a great philanthropist or missionary worker, you simply have to seize the gift of life..."
"Oh, God!"
"...make a contribution..."
"Oh, God!"
"...no matter how small."
"Oh, God!"
"You simply have to have led a life that wasn't totally egocentric, vain and self-serving."
"You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?"
"You're that sure they're dead?"
"Look, there's a simple test. Hands up all of you who are alive."
"Do you know what I fancy right now?"
"A big, fat woman with thighs the size of a hippo's."
"It's like a cross between food and bowel surgery."
"It's well naughty. The trick is to eat it before the bread dissolves."
"What was that?!"
"Brace yourself for a bit of a shock, Lister, but I just saw you die!"
"What?!"
"I did warn you to brace yourself."
"You didn't give me much of a chance."
"I gave you ample bracing time!"
"No you didn't! You didn't even pause!"
"Well, I'm sorry! I've just had a rather nasty experience. I've just seen someone I know die in the most hideous, hideous way!"
"Yeah! Me!"
"You were fiddling around with the drive console and-"
"I don't wanna know!"
"You don't want to know how you die?"
"No! Of course not! Was it quick?"
"We-ell...I wouldn't say it was super fast. Not if you count the thrashing around and the agonised screaming."
"You're loving this, aren't you?"
"How old did I look?"
"How old are you now?"
"Twenty five. How old did I look?"
"Mmm... mid-twenties."
"Smeg! I'm not ready! I'm not smegging ready!"
"You did seem surprised."
"I'm goin' out like I came in, kicking and screaming!"
"You can't whack Death on the head."
"He comes anywhere near me, I'm gonna rip his nipples off!"
"Hey, this is mine. That's mine. All of this is mine. Except that bit. I don't want that bit. But all the rest of this is mine. Hey, this has been a really good day. I've eaten five times, I've slept six times, and I've made a lot of things mine. Tomorrow, I'm gonna see if I can't have sex with something."
"I used to be in the Samaritans."
"I know. For one morning."
"I couldn't take any more."
"I don't blame you. You spoke to five people, and they all committed suicide. I wouldn't mind, but one was a wrong number! He only phoned up for the cricket scores!"
"Well, it's hardly my fault that everyone chose that morning to throw themselves off buildings! Made the papers, you know. 'Lemming Sunday', they called it."
"Is it just me, or is that cockroach shuffling too loudly?"
"Kryten, it's called a hangover. Don't panic."
"On a mining ship, 3 million years into deep space, can someone explain to me where the smeg I got this traffic cone?"
"This man is not guilty of manslaughter. He's only guilty of being Arnold J. Rimmer. That is his crime. It is also his punishment."
"Well, Space Corps Directive 195 clearly states that in an emergency power situation, a holo-grammatic crew member must lay down his life in order that the living crew members might survive."
"Yes, but Rimmer Directive 271 states just as clearly, "No chance you metal bastard."
"He's defective. He wants everyone to eat toast all of the time. And if you don't want to eat something like 400 rounds of toast every HOUR, he throws a major wobbler. That's what caused the accident in the first place. "
"What accident? "
"The accident involving me, the toaster, the waste disposal and a 14 pound lump-hammer. "
"But there are fifty-three doors between here and the science room! What on Earth are we going to do?"
"Hey, I got it! We laser our way through!"
"An excellent suggestion, Sir, with just two minor drawbacks. One, we don't have a power source for the lasers, and two, we don't have any lasers."
"Maybe we should drop the defensive shields?"
"A superlative suggestion sir, with only two drawbacks: one, we don't have any defensive shields and two, we don't have any defensive shields. I know that, technically, that's only one drawback, but it was such a big one I thought I'd mention it twice"
"Look, I'm not much good at big speeches, and I know I haven't always been an easy guy to get on with, and I know, that given the choice, I wouldn't have chosen you as friends, but I just want to say, that over the years, I have come to regard you as people I met."
"Because, like all who stand before the Inquisitor, you're judge shall be... yourself."
"Oh SMEG."
"Lister, we'd be fools not to listen to him. When is he ever wrong? Alright, he may have a head shaped like an inexplicably popular fishing float but he does operate from a position of total logic and we'd be fools to ignore his sage council."
"At least let me and Mister Rimmer go in your place. We are after all merely electronic life forms and therefore expendable."
"And what the smeg would you know, bog-bot from hell?"
"It takes time, this. One slight error in any of my thirteen billion calculations and we'll be blasted to smithereens. Here we go, then: 10, 9, 8, 6, 5-"
"You missed out the seven."
"Did I? I've always had a bit of a blind spot with sevens."
"We're going to die."
"I'm gonna rip out its windpipe and beat it to death with the tonsil end."
"My answer in answering the question: 'What does the red spectrum tell us about quasars?' Write bigger. There are various words that need to be defined: what is a spectrum, what is a red one, why is it red, and why is it so frequently linked with quasars? What the hell is a quasar?"
"Emergency. Emergency. There's an emergency going on. It's still going on. It's still an emergency. This is an emergency announcement."
"Stranger things have happened."
"Only two come to mind: the spontaneous combustion of the mayor of Warsaw in 1687, and that time in 16th century Bordeaux when it rained herring."
"Don't try and explain it, Lister. I don't know why I'm even surprised. Everyone always leaves me in the end. Girls, parents... I had a pet lemming once. I loved that little lemming. I built him a little wall so he could hurl himself over it. He didn't want for anything. I'll never forget one Christmas I put my finger in his cage to give him some mince pie. He bit me! He sunk his teeth right into my fingers and wouldn't let go. In the end I had to smash his brains out against the wall. That little lemming broke my heart. The little git completely ruined my helicopter wallpaper."
"Boarding this vessel is an act of war. Ergo we surrender."
"Welcome to Xpress Lifts, descent to floor sixteen. You will be going down two thousand, five hundred and sixty-seven floors and, for a small extra charge, you can enjoy the in-lift movie 'Gone With the Wind.' If you look to your right and to your left, you will notice there are no exits. In the highly unlikely event of the lift having to make a crash-landing, death is certain. Under your seats you will find a cassette for recording your last-minute testament, and from above your head a bag will drop containing sedatives and cyanide capsules."
"Love is what seperates us from animals "
"No, Lister. What seperates us from animals is that we don't use our tongues to clean our own genitals. "
"Frankenstein was the creator, not the monster. It's a common misconception, held by all truly stupid people."
"Last time I only failed by the narrowest of narrow margins."
"You what? You walked in there, wrote, 'I am a fish,' four hundred times, did a funny little dance, and fainted."
"Well, when it's not serious when your genitals can go wandering off on their own, I wonder what is?"
"What's it feel like?"
"Death? It's like being on holiday with a group of Germans."
"It's my duty, as a total and utter bastard."
"We don't run, we strike. It's the last thing they'll be expecting."
"No, the last thing they'll be expecting is for us to turn into ice-skating mongooses and dance the Bolero, and your plan makes about as much sense."
"Why don't you smegging-well smeg off, you annoying little smeggy smegging smegger!"
"Look, I think we've all got something to bring to this discussion, but I think from now on the thing you should bring is silence."
"Oxygen's for losers!"
"HIT THE WALL, GO ON, HIT THE WALL! YEAH! YEAH! WILL YOU SHUT UP RIMMER, SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP!"
"Obviously, we have professional disagreements. But, I mean, nothing with any side to it. Nothing malicious."
"SHUT UP, YA DEAD GIT!"
"Excuse me a second, Lister, will you? STOP YOUR FOUL WHINING, YOU FILTHY PIECE OF DISTENDED RECTUM!"
"We're gonna cut you up so fine the worms won't even have to chew."
"You can't frighten me! I'm a coward! I'm always scared!"
"Now this three-dimensional sculpture in particular is quite exquisite. Its simplicity, its bold, stark lines... pray, what do you call it?"
"The light switch."
"Ah, I couldn't buy it then?"
"Not really. I need it to turn the lights on and off."
"This "Master" character, and I acknowledge that I may not want to know the full answer to this one, but why does he want me oily in particular? Obviously whatever he has in mind is facilitated by my being slippery and pliant, yes?"
"He always likes his victims to be oiled. An oiled body is so much better for conducting the electricity."
"Not the best news but it could have been worse."
"I don't loathe myself. What is there one could possibly loathe about me?"
"Would you like the list sir?"
"What list?!"
"Sir, you don't have to be a great philanthropist or missionary worker, you simply have to seize the gift of life..."
"Oh, God!"
"...make a contribution..."
"Oh, God!"
"...no matter how small."
"Oh, God!"
"You simply have to have led a life that wasn't totally egocentric, vain and self-serving."
"You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?"
"You're that sure they're dead?"
"Look, there's a simple test. Hands up all of you who are alive."
"Do you know what I fancy right now?"
"A big, fat woman with thighs the size of a hippo's."
"It's like a cross between food and bowel surgery."
"It's well naughty. The trick is to eat it before the bread dissolves."
"What was that?!"
"Brace yourself for a bit of a shock, Lister, but I just saw you die!"
"What?!"
"I did warn you to brace yourself."
"You didn't give me much of a chance."
"I gave you ample bracing time!"
"No you didn't! You didn't even pause!"
"Well, I'm sorry! I've just had a rather nasty experience. I've just seen someone I know die in the most hideous, hideous way!"
"Yeah! Me!"
"You were fiddling around with the drive console and-"
"I don't wanna know!"
"You don't want to know how you die?"
"No! Of course not! Was it quick?"
"We-ell...I wouldn't say it was super fast. Not if you count the thrashing around and the agonised screaming."
"You're loving this, aren't you?"
"How old did I look?"
"How old are you now?"
"Twenty five. How old did I look?"
"Mmm... mid-twenties."
"Smeg! I'm not ready! I'm not smegging ready!"
"You did seem surprised."
"I'm goin' out like I came in, kicking and screaming!"
"You can't whack Death on the head."
"He comes anywhere near me, I'm gonna rip his nipples off!"
"Hey, this is mine. That's mine. All of this is mine. Except that bit. I don't want that bit. But all the rest of this is mine. Hey, this has been a really good day. I've eaten five times, I've slept six times, and I've made a lot of things mine. Tomorrow, I'm gonna see if I can't have sex with something."
"I used to be in the Samaritans."
"I know. For one morning."
"I couldn't take any more."
"I don't blame you. You spoke to five people, and they all committed suicide. I wouldn't mind, but one was a wrong number! He only phoned up for the cricket scores!"
"Well, it's hardly my fault that everyone chose that morning to throw themselves off buildings! Made the papers, you know. 'Lemming Sunday', they called it."
"Is it just me, or is that cockroach shuffling too loudly?"
"Kryten, it's called a hangover. Don't panic."
"On a mining ship, 3 million years into deep space, can someone explain to me where the smeg I got this traffic cone?"
"This man is not guilty of manslaughter. He's only guilty of being Arnold J. Rimmer. That is his crime. It is also his punishment."
"Well, Space Corps Directive 195 clearly states that in an emergency power situation, a holo-grammatic crew member must lay down his life in order that the living crew members might survive."
"Yes, but Rimmer Directive 271 states just as clearly, "No chance you metal bastard."
"He's defective. He wants everyone to eat toast all of the time. And if you don't want to eat something like 400 rounds of toast every HOUR, he throws a major wobbler. That's what caused the accident in the first place. "
"What accident? "
"The accident involving me, the toaster, the waste disposal and a 14 pound lump-hammer. "
"But there are fifty-three doors between here and the science room! What on Earth are we going to do?"
"Hey, I got it! We laser our way through!"
"An excellent suggestion, Sir, with just two minor drawbacks. One, we don't have a power source for the lasers, and two, we don't have any lasers."
"Maybe we should drop the defensive shields?"
"A superlative suggestion sir, with only two drawbacks: one, we don't have any defensive shields and two, we don't have any defensive shields. I know that, technically, that's only one drawback, but it was such a big one I thought I'd mention it twice"
"Look, I'm not much good at big speeches, and I know I haven't always been an easy guy to get on with, and I know, that given the choice, I wouldn't have chosen you as friends, but I just want to say, that over the years, I have come to regard you as people I met."
"Because, like all who stand before the Inquisitor, you're judge shall be... yourself."
"Oh SMEG."
"Lister, we'd be fools not to listen to him. When is he ever wrong? Alright, he may have a head shaped like an inexplicably popular fishing float but he does operate from a position of total logic and we'd be fools to ignore his sage council."
"At least let me and Mister Rimmer go in your place. We are after all merely electronic life forms and therefore expendable."
"And what the smeg would you know, bog-bot from hell?"
"It takes time, this. One slight error in any of my thirteen billion calculations and we'll be blasted to smithereens. Here we go, then: 10, 9, 8, 6, 5-"
"You missed out the seven."
"Did I? I've always had a bit of a blind spot with sevens."
"We're going to die."
"I'm gonna rip out its windpipe and beat it to death with the tonsil end."
"My answer in answering the question: 'What does the red spectrum tell us about quasars?' Write bigger. There are various words that need to be defined: what is a spectrum, what is a red one, why is it red, and why is it so frequently linked with quasars? What the hell is a quasar?"
"Emergency. Emergency. There's an emergency going on. It's still going on. It's still an emergency. This is an emergency announcement."
"Stranger things have happened."
"Only two come to mind: the spontaneous combustion of the mayor of Warsaw in 1687, and that time in 16th century Bordeaux when it rained herring."
"Don't try and explain it, Lister. I don't know why I'm even surprised. Everyone always leaves me in the end. Girls, parents... I had a pet lemming once. I loved that little lemming. I built him a little wall so he could hurl himself over it. He didn't want for anything. I'll never forget one Christmas I put my finger in his cage to give him some mince pie. He bit me! He sunk his teeth right into my fingers and wouldn't let go. In the end I had to smash his brains out against the wall. That little lemming broke my heart. The little git completely ruined my helicopter wallpaper."
"Boarding this vessel is an act of war. Ergo we surrender."
"Welcome to Xpress Lifts, descent to floor sixteen. You will be going down two thousand, five hundred and sixty-seven floors and, for a small extra charge, you can enjoy the in-lift movie 'Gone With the Wind.' If you look to your right and to your left, you will notice there are no exits. In the highly unlikely event of the lift having to make a crash-landing, death is certain. Under your seats you will find a cassette for recording your last-minute testament, and from above your head a bag will drop containing sedatives and cyanide capsules."
