It's 1:03 in the morning, and I am frantically Googling "Spider-Goats" (which are REAL and both awesome and terrifying), while watching a video of a kitten attacking a laptop, and giggling like a schoolgirl.Real post tomorrow.- LVPS I want a spider-goat.PPSS
* Role Models - This could be good. It could also be used as torture in prisons across the country, where screaming inmates beg for death rather than experience one more second of this excruciating nightmare. I'm leery, to be honest, although still happy that Paul Rudd has a career post-Clueless. I miss him.* Soul Men - I was really sad when Bernie Mac died. He was me and my friends' TV Dad. We watched The Bernie Mac Show, and learned lessons about self-worth and courage. It's going to be hard to advertise a comedy wherein one of the leads died recently. It's not like The Dark Knight - that was angsty and, well, dark. Heath Ledger's death might even have increased the mystique of the film. I don't see that happening for Soul Men. And I don't see myself seeing it, either. Also, I'm tired of watching Samuel L. Jackson scream at people. He needs a new schtick.PS Is Issac Hayes in this movie too? Samuel L. Jackson better watch out... this does not bode well.* Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa - The first one didn't amuse me. This one looks shriller, dumber, and frankly I have no desire to see hippos flirting. Skip it.* Repo! The Genetic Opera - It's a horror musical. Was this movie made with me in mind? I suspect so, and I thank all those involved. Singing and violence? Dare I say... heaven? Oh, I dare. Plus, it's got Giles from Buffy! Anthony Stewart Head rules! Yeah, OK, the Saw dude is making it, but it's supposedly subversive and funny and has singing and violence! I must see this film. And Paris Hilton! ....Wait. But the music in the trailer is truly ass-kicking, and we all know Giles can sing from that musical episode of Buffy. Yeah, I'll be there opening day.* House - Sadly not the big-screen version of my beloved Hugh Laurie's television series (not that I was excited for about three seconds when I saw the name or anything), this is ANOTHER horror movie. The synopsis sounds like Saw meets Identity and the remake of House On Haunted Hill, and not in a good way (although I secretly love the 1999 House On Haunted Hill, because Chris Kattan is really funny, and Geoffrey Rush is always delightful). Everyone knows the best religious/intellectual serial killer ever was John Doe in Se7en, and people need to stop trying to improve upon it. Se7en, by the way, is still scary. Watch that, and skip this. Apologies, Michael Madsen - I admire you greatly, but even your acting chops can't convince me to see this film. Also, the trailer is kind of awful.* The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas - So, I've had a sick/twisted crush on David Thewlis since Naked, which probably says something hideous about my personality. I did not see Basic Instinct 2, though, so I wouldn't say I'm a BIG fan. The trailer is great, and the cast is brilliant, plus Little Voice is a fantastic underrated film that you should all go rent, because it's adorable in the best sense of the word. And while I'm generally leery of Holocaust movies (Life Is Beautiful made me angry at all of them, for complicated reasons I'd rather not go into at the moment. Plus, Schindler's List was such a devastating film, and I saw it a good few years before I should have, that after that whenever I see a Holocaust movie trailer, my first thought is, "It was horrible, I know, vast suffering, a dark moment in history, we should never forget it, PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME SEE ANOTHER MOVIE THAT WILL REDUCE ME TO A SOBBING PUDDLE OF MISERY!" Although I quite liked The Pianist), this one is taking a view I've never seen on film, and the trailer might have made me cry a tiny little bit, not that I'm admitting ANYTHING. See it, and bring a box of tissues, and possibly a therapist.* Quantum of Solace - Dude, Daniel Craig can rock a suit. He just looks good a suit. He is the sort of man who was born to wear suits, and should always be wearing suits. The man rocks a suit. And he's the best Bond since Connery, which isn't really saying much because a lot of them were shit, but he IS very good, and Casino Royale was girl-porn with him and his suits and his accents and nova-blue eyes. So yeah, I'm going to see this movie, and not for any of the reasons I should - the great cast, wonderful director, hysterically bad title, etc. I'm going to see it because Daniel Craig carries a big gun and rocks a suit, and beyond that the details are immaterial.* Assassination of a High School President - Oh, Mischa Barton. I never watch The O.C., and despite my affection for Gossip Girl, I don't intend to rent it. I have never actually seen you act, now that I think about it. I know you only as that silly, skinny girl who wears perplexing outfits to red carpet events, and was in that movie with the fake lesbians. And yet your presence in this movie - which has gotten fantastic early reviews, and sounds like something I would love - makes me wary. Are you the one spot of ick on an otherwise flawless film? Or have you 'stepped up' and proved that you can in fact act? These are important questions that need to be answered. Which I will, when I go see this movie. But I still won't like you.Note: I couldn't find a full trailer for this movie, but the clip I've posted A) made me remember why I loved Bruce Willis in Pulp Fiction, and B) made me cackle with delight.* Slumdog Millionaire - PRO: Danny Boyle made Trainspotting, Shallow Grave, and 28 Days Later.... CON: He made Sunshine, and I still don't know what that movie was about. PRO: It's getting much love at the festivals. CON: It nearly went straight to video - never a good sign. PRO: The music and camerawork in a clip I saw are great.CON: The trailer tells me NOTHING about the plot, although I imagine a lot of people will be running.PRO: I kind of don't care, because it's still Danny Boyle.Note: This claims to be the trailer, but I suspect it's really just a clip of the movie, since it doesn't even give the name of the film. Or maybe Danny Boyle is embarking on a bold new marketing campaign - "I will show you tantalizing film clips, but YOU need to find the name of the movie yourself! It's a TREASURE HUNT, and your prize is CINEMA!"* Christmas Tale - I am very excited about this movie, although with my luck it won't play near me, and I will have to wait an additional year for the DVD release. It's got two of the best cast members of The Diving Bell And The Butterfly (one of those rare films that EXCEEDS the hype), and Catherine Deneuve (who I get my middle name from, because my parents are insane), and the director is great. This looks like, dare I say, The French Royal Tenenbaums. I mean that in a good way. I love that movie. Mathieu Amalric brings brilliant physicality to his roles, and a sort of riotous tragedy, like the sad crying clown if I wasn't petrified of clowns. The trailer makes me smile. I can't wait.* Bolt - Just... no. Nope. Negative. I can't... WHY IS JOHN TRAVOLTA A DOG?! WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?! HOW DO YOU GO FROM PULP FICTION AND GET SHORTY TO THIS ANIMATED DOG FILM? IS IT JUST ME, OR IS HIS CREEPINESS EXPANDING AT AN ALARMING RATE THAT NEEDS NATIONAL ATTENTION?! AND WHY THE HELL DID MILEY CYRUS AGREE TO DO THIS MOVIE? HOW DESPERATE IS DISNEY TO SUCK EVERY SWEET DROP OF HER MARKETABILITY FROM HER BODY BEFORE SHE GETS CAUGHT SNORTING CRACK OFF A DEAD PUPPY?! However, I will admit that the hamster is funny. That is all I'm giving this movie. It's more than it deserves.* Twilight - I read the first book, and even though it infuriated me, I couldn't put it down. I read the second, which had goddamn werewolves, and lost interest. I'm sorry, they're stupid. They annoy me, and I will post a blog of all my complaints when the release is closer. I love vampires (I'm writing a book about them now, but MY vampires aren't all angsty and sulky and they don't SPARKLE in the SUNLIGHT or develop psychotic crushes on girls because they smell nice, or act like total douchebags all the freaking time) and think we need a good vampire movie, but this is not it. The trailer is stupid, the actors are miscast (Edward's supposed to be the hottest guy in the history of hottness. He is supposed to be an orgasm on two legs. Robert Pattinson looks like he's a goth reject from The Cure, who is possibly on some really fun drugs that make him look like he's a second away from passing out). I won't say there's no chance of me seeing this movie - I might, if it gets great reviews, or every other movie playing is sold out, or I'm drunk - but it's slim. Very, very slim.* Transporter 3 - I saw the trailer for this when I went to see the vile W., and I MIGHT have giggled and squealed whenever Jason Statham was shirtless. It's possible. Because, as has been stated multiple times before, I have a weakness for well-muscled British men who can rock a suit. But how many guys can RIP OFF THEIR SHIRT MID-FIGHT AND STRANGLE THE OTHER GUY WITH IT?! He goes from suit to half-naked in like, .05 seconds. I may have to loop this trailer. Don't tell anyone. Oh, but I probably won't see the movie - even though I saw the other two. And I really like Jason Statham. And mindless violent films are fun. I wonder who I can bribe to go see this with me....PS The shirt-tastic fight scene comes at 1:34. And is it just me, or does the plot sound like what Speed 2 should have been? * Four Christmases - Reese Witherspoon is one of my favorite actresses, but even she can't compel me to see this movie. I have problems with heartwarming holiday comedies that try so hard to be cute and precocious and 'say something' about family. They're never very funny. In fact, they're usually depressing. Vince Vaughn has kind of become a sad, sad joke. But I would like to congratulate Jon Favreau on losing a ton a of weight, and looking fantastic. And the director has made some great documentaries, like The King Of Kong. Nope, not working. You can see this - I'll be off at the far more acerbic Christmas Tale. * Australia - Nicole Kidman's terrifyingly blank, over-Botoxed face notwithstanding, I'm really looking forward to this film. She is a fairly good actress (she was brilliant in To Die For), and needs to redeem herself after Cold Mountain, The Golden Compass, and The Invasion. Among others. Baz Lurhmann hasn't made a bad movie yet, and you can't argue that his work is visually arresting. The trailer is interesting, with echoes of The African Queen, or at least Out of Africa. It's also nice to see Hugh Jackman taking a variety of roles, and not being pigeonholed by his Wolverine casting. He's a very talented actor, who picks some really terrible movies on occasion (Kate & Leopold makes me want to strangle Meg Ryan. Well, most things do), but was ass-kicking in The Prestige and Scoop (which was a GOOD MOVIE, YOU NEOPHYTES). And he's got good arms. I'm sorry, it had to be said.* Milk - O.M.F.G. Gus Van Sant's movies either rock out loud (To Die For, Good Will Hunting, My Own Private Idaho, Drugstore Cowboy), are incoherent shit (Psycho, Last Days, Even Cowgirls Get The Blues) or suck, but I like them anyway (Gerry, Elephant). But they are never boring. Ever. And the cast of this is good enough to make grown men weep (Sean Penn, Josh Brolin (who will always be That Dude From The Goonies to me), Emile Hirsch, James Franco (who, in every interview, enjoys discussing kissing Sean Penn, which is hilarious in and of itself), Diego Luna and Some Due From High School Musical, among others). Sean Penn may be gunning for another Oscar, and I'm just fine with that. I'm going opening day. Viva Milk.
Netflix lied to me. My Gossip Girl DVDs and The Strangers (What? I like clothes AND horror movies) did not come, even though it SAID THEY WOULD, and the mailman thinks I'm crazy because I ran up to the mailbox all excited, then fell to my knees screaming, "NOOOOOOOOOOO!" a la Darth Vader in the third Star Wars prequel, causing the audience to burst into laughter. Then I had all my limbs replaced by robot pieces and took over the universe because my mommy didn't hug me enough as a child.Dear Netflix,You cannot lie to me. I time my DVD returns so that on days when I know no one is around and I have nothing to do, I will have SOMETHING TO WATCH BESIDES EPISODES OF SPONGEBOB BECAUSE I CAN'T WATCH THAT SHOW ANYMORE AND I WANT TO WATCH THE DVDS I ORDERED. WHY DID YOU LIE?! I have been a loyal customer. I rent TONS of movies from you, due to my insomnia, unemployment, and suburban existence. I am your constituency. And this is how you treat me? I'm already cross that I can't WATCH MOVIES INSTANTLY ON MY PC!, as you advertise, because I don't HAVE a PC, I have a MAC, and that makes me worth SHIT to you, doesn't it? And nobody is around tonight, and I'm busy the rest of the weekend, so tonight is really the night I need my DVDs, and now I'm going to find myself sulking around the mailbox, trying to surprise it when it isn't looking so that it will reveal the DVDs.Because usually your estimated arrival date thing is spot-on, and I will not be blamed for losing these DVDs. I am an empowered young woman, and I will not be made the victim of your sick little games. Watch Your Back, ElleVeeOn the plus side, I got my copy of the magazine my article was printed in, which is nice. It looks good, and I got a full page, and I'm very pleased.- LV
Because lists are about the only thing NOT making me want to go on a killing spree with a broken seltzer bottle, running up and down my darkened street screaming into the night, until the SWAT Team comes.*.My Stomach: I know you're sick of hearing about it. I'm sick of having it. But it hurts, and the effect is, I get cranky, and then we all suffer.* My Class: So. I take a 4 o'clock train to Hoboken. Then I take the PATH to my class, which starts at 6:30. I am usually twenty minutes early, so I hang outside and smoke. Well. Today I get there, and ALL NYU CLASSES HAVE BEEN CANCELLED. AND NOBODY THOUGHT TO E-MAIL US. So all the students and teachers stood around like fools, not really looking at each other and asking the air, "What should we do now?" I went home. And didn't GET HOME until around 8:30, due to the trains, and the universe being a cruel, sadistic bitch. My teacher did E-Mail me. On the train home. Very helpful. (This is the main reason I am in a foul mood. I mean, IT COSTS MONEY TO GO INTO THE CITY. AND TIME. I WANT MY TIME BACK.)* Snarkfest Forum: Because I signed up DAYS ago since it looked hilarious, and I STILL can't post.* CTRL ALT DEL: The big end of the story line gets posted tonight at midnight (rather, tomorrow morning) and I'm worried it will be not good.* Followers: This stupid Blogger thing. Because I have none. And I think I write a funny, interesting blog, and nobody reads it. And I don't know HOW to make people read it. I HAVE NO IDEAS HERE.* The fact that I can't smoke in the house, so I have to go outside in the cold and the wind to indulge my addiction, instead of snuggling up to my comfy dog, who is snoring and yet adorable, so I forgive him.* Ugly Betty: Doesn't Lindsay Lohan's face look freakishly gaunt? She's cute and adorable, and sort of the reverse Mean Girl, and I'm happy she's WORKING, but her cheek bones are freaking me out. Betty should hold her down and feed her cupcakes. And then dye her hair red again, because I always wanted red hair, and when I dyed my hair red it looked tragic, when I was going for awesome. SOMEBODY SHOULD HAVE RED HAIR IF I CAN'T.I meant to write some E-Mails, work on some pieces, and all that good shit. But that trek into the city for nothing has made me sulky, and I'm wiped. Also, I updated my blog page, and I think it's pretty.Also, how do I get people to read this damn thing? Do I offer them crack? Because I don't have any, and probably couldn't get any if I tried. I think I need to smoke my cigarette, read my webcomic, and get some rest. My crazy is showing.- LV
Working on my beekeeping article. I like it so far, but I am cutting it close to the wire - I have 3 1/2 hours before class, and still need to shower. My procrastination skills are epic.How funny is this? My town is so disorganized that we aren't having the substitute teacher meeting until the end of NEXT month. We're supposed to have one each month. This makes me sad, because my certificate is essentially worthless to these people. Guess I'll have to expand my search to other counties. Which I was going to do anyway, but now I'm doing it with ANGER. And RESENTMENT.My stomach still hurts. Its existence mocks me. Internal organs are for LOSERS.In the process of researching my article, I've typed the word 'swarm' so many times that it has lost all meaning. Just say it out loud - 'swarm.' Swarm. Not that I've been saying it out loud, alone, with only my dog to stare at me in bafflement.Huzzah! According to Netflix, I will be getting my Gossip Girl DVDs any day. It always cracked me up when they went to that bar, Butter. I lived literally three blocks from that place, and never went. Ever. It was too expensive, and most of the people there seemed hellbent on trying to prove how cool they were, and how much fun they were having. Anyway, there was an amazing Japanese restaurant/bar across the street from my old apartment that made these remarkable pink drinks with champagne and angel tears and rainbow ice cubes, and you drank two of those and woke up the next morning with your lipstick smeared and no memory of the previous night, except a nagging suspicion you told a handsome guy you were an astronaut princess. Or something.But yeah, I love the clothes, and Blair was on House when she was blonde, and I WANT their wardrobes. I COVET them. I also want to live in the alternate reality of New York they inhabit, where everyone has fabulous outfits and constant drama, and Chuck Bass is allowed to wander the streets unprotected. In their New York, they don't have giant killer roaches trying to crawl into your ear and take over your brain. Blake Lively would not stand for such things.This post is reducing itself to rambling. And I need to finish the article. So. Here I go. Going...- LV
OK, I didn't actually mix my two favorite sodas together, but I have an empty can of each before me, and the idea now charms me.The Bee Interview went well. There weren't any bees, as it was too cold, and I spent a chunk of the day transcribing the near-hour long interview from audio to print. Now I just have to write the article. Easy, right? Except I'm sleepy and a little bit under the weather, and my big desire right now is to curl up in the fetal position (my personal favorite) and watch Angel reruns, and sulk over the fact that Netflix has not yet sent me my episodes of Gossip Girl, or The Strangers.Elizabeth Hasselback from The View makes me angry. Not because her opinions are different from mine. But because she makes things up, then gets upset when people call her a liar. Can you imagine what she'd do if I went up to her and said, "Barack Obama travels everywhere by Pegasus, and rainbows fall from his lips when he speaks, and John McCain has a small imp that lives in his left eardrum that leaps out to feast upon blind kittens when the moon is full!". First, she'd call security. Then, she'd call me a liar. And the bullshit she spewed today in the (literally, I was channel-surfing) thirty seconds of The View that I watched, was on par. I mean, there are complaints to be made against Obama that are valid. I am fine with that. But claiming he's the direct descendant of Hitler and that he made Britney go crazy and green-lit Beverly Hills Chihuahua is a bit much, isn't it, Elizabeth? House had good points and bad points SPOILERS BELOW FOR THE EPISODEGood Points* Wilson getting back into the swing of things (especially that brilliant scene in his office about Debbie).* The continued presence of the private detective, who is a scruffy delight.* Finally finding out where Cuddy's been.* That moment where House realizes Thirteen was sleeping with the patient, and does that Orgasm-Eye-Roll-Thing that I actually giggle at, out loud.* Chase and Foreman talking about how boring Foreman is (which is... true. I never thought of that before.)* The moment at the end, when Cuddy tells him she's adopting, and House has an emotion. I can't even say WHAT emotion, but it's HOUSE, and he's EMOTING ALL OVER THE PLACE. ALMOST LIKE A REAL PERSON. I don't know why that needed cap locks, but it totally did. I like that you can tell he's feeling very strongly, but you have no idea what particular emotion it is. Maybe House doesn't know either. He's an enigma. A sexy, limping enigma.Bad Points* A lack of Kutner.* A lack of Taub.* The plot focusing on Thirteen, who will NOT become like Amber and worm her way into my bitter little heart. I will not become like Cameron and only feel sympathy for dying characters. You can't make me. Anyway, I find Thirteen annoying, overall. Dying doesn't make her any more interesting. Cuddy should have fired her ass.* The case bored me. She had what? She's not dying. That's all I know.* Thinking back, everything I remember revolves around House, Wilson, and the detective. I know there was all the girl scenes, and that Thirteen is spiraling, but I just don't care. House has done it a dozen times before, and it's funnier and more dramatic. Giving yourself an IV drip? Dude ELECTROCUTED HIMSELF. Having sex with strangers? House hires HOOKERS. Call when you've moved up to the big leagues, Kid, and you're snorting children's aspirin off a dead hooker's back. Wait... don't call me. I'll be with House. Call Foreman. And next week? Cuddy and House totally kiss. I'm betting money. Imaginary money, which is all I have, but... it has currency in my heart. Behold, frog leg pizza. With anchovy sorbet. It's called "The Hopper." A guy ordered this on a first date, I would marry him.What else? I have another disc of Angel to watch (season five, which I only fitfully remember, because my crazy former roommate had a charming habit of turning off the TV while I was watching it, or ejecting the disc and putting on Sex & The City, and after a while I'd just lose the will to fight, and return my Netflix unwatched, which always makes me feel sad), and at some point I'll post something about how deeply I came to love Wesley, and how I STILL miss Doyle, and how big Angel's forehead is. It's large. I'm writing another article for my lovely friend Kay Jay's magazine.I called schools for info on their substitute teaching programs. The pay is remarkable (well, considering I have no money, all money is remarkable). Did I tell you how much I hate eBay? I sold my guitar, and 175 DVDs, and came out with less than $400. CRITERION COLLECTION DVDS. I AM SADDENED.My kick-ass cousin Jay sent me a link to this comic's website: and my computer got hosed down with Tab. But it was worth it. My stomach hurts. Stupid stomach.- LV
I just got my substitute teaching certificate in the mail. Holy shit, they're letting me educate the youth of America! Sweet! Although... I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do with this thing. It's all official-looking, and I can't wait to put on a cute skirt and give kids detention, but... OK? There are no instructions on this thing. Do I just wander into the school and start assigning homework? WHY DOES NO ONE TELL ME THESE THINGS?!Bah. I'm exhausted and cranky, and I have to clean and see a woman about her bees, which sounds hilarious. Or obscene. Or gross. No, seriously, bees. The type that go 'bzzz' and make honey and really hate Winnie The Pooh. (How do I know I'm tired? I forgot to add the 'h' to 'Pooh', then giggled to myself quietly for several long, long seconds. I need a nap. Or more caffeine. Do you think I could train my dog to get me soda? 'Fetch me a Tab, Hunter! Go on!'...No? No. He just wagged his tail and licked my cheek, which while adorable does not help me in any way whatsoever.Fine. I have to do some writing, clean, get ready for the Bee Interview, and return those Netflix I never watched, because I am mercurial, and now want only to watch Gossip Girl while waiting for Series Four of Doctor Who to FINALLY come out on DVD in the States. Actually, Gossip Girl meets Doctor Who is a pretty good description of my personality.Also: This blog needs a new title. Any suggestions? - LV
Behold, ElleVee's handy-dandy guide on which movies to see, and which to avoid, based on her educated guesses, random crushes, and personal prejudices! Each month (for as long as it holds her interest, but definitely the rest of the year), ElleVee will pre-review movies, letting YOU know what's coming out! And she even included TRAILERS!* High School Musical 3: Senior Year - I cannot WAIT to not see this movie. Don't get me wrong, the first was surprisingly adorable, and I might have maybe downloaded that song "Stick To The Status Quo," not that I'm admitting ANYTHING here. But I never saw the second, and all the actors kind of make me depressed now, especially Zac Efron, whose sexuality I'd be questioning if I could bring myself to care. So I'm just thrilled that if I DO go to the movies this weekend, I will not be seeing this. Ever. I will not have to stand behind squealing teenagers, or sit near bored parents, and nobody will sing at me. I will not have to watch Vanessa Hudgens try to act and pretend the older audience members haven't seen those naughty pictures. I won't have to feel bad for Ashley Tisdale, who I think might be old enough and smart enough to know how bullshit this whole charade is. But best of all, no singing. Bliss.Edit: I just rewatched the trailer, and might sneak in to this movie on a weekday, wearing sunglasses and an elaborate hat, maybe, if only because I think there's a slim chance that Sharpay will bitch-slap both Efron AND Hudgens, and because maybe the songs weren't as bad as I thought, and also I like musicals. But officially, I will not see this movie. Until it comes out on DVD.* Changeling - I have a total girl-crush on Angelina Jolie, and have no problem admitting this. Because she fucking rocks out loud, and I want to be her when I grow up, only with fewer babies, and less crazy, and I'd have gone with Robert Downey, Jr. or Edward Norton instead of Brad Pitt. But otherwise, she rocks. And I've heard this movie is Oscar-gasmic (see how clever that is?) and Clint Eastwood turned out to be a damned good director (I'm ignoring Million Dollar Baby, which I hated and made me want to hurt myself and others, except for Morgan Freeman, who I want to hug me and stroke my hair and read me A Tree Grows In Brooklyn, because that would make my life good. And he was in that movie with Angelina, so maybe we could all hang out, and I could date James McAvoy, even though he's married, because this is my fantasy, damn it), and I'm still cross that Angelina got royally shafted for A Might Heart, and I want this movie to right those wrongs.Note: Where can I buy a hat like Angelina's? And why is she always in the nuthouse?* Saw V - OK, seriously, stop. The torture movie genre is dead. Stop kicking the corpse. I saw (HA) the first one, and the second. They didn't scare me. I don't find torture frightening, I find it gross. And morally heinous. I don't enjoy watching people get tortured. I don't GET these movies. That we are on FIVE now (and, according to my beloved-yet-cruel IMDB, and sixth on the way) says something very unsound about our national psyche. And yes, the little puppet man is freaky, and I once chased my friend around a store with a toy version for shits and giggles, but seriously. Let it go. Who's still seeing these? Whenever I typed 'see', I wanted to make a see-saw joke, the likes of which me and my friends made back when the first one came out, and found brilliant. But I didn't.* Synecdoche, New York - Charlie Kaufman, writer of Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind, writes and directs this film. That is all I need to know, although the cast looks excellent as well. But really, it's because I love Charlie, and everything he does, including his Oscar acceptance speech. How can I not love this man? How can ANYONE resist his charms? I kind of love him, a little, especially his crazy hair, and he is FAR more attractive than Nicolas Cage was in Adaptation., although that isn't saying much. Anyway. This movie has a limited release, meaning it probably won't be playing near here, but if you are lucky enough to be nearby, see it, and tell me how good it is.* Pride and Glory - As I've said before, this movie looks suckish. It looks like a lot of other movies, what with the honor and the cops and the angst and the hot brothers you never see in real life. But do I care? Not really. It's Edward Norton and Colin Farrell (who should have gotten more attention for In Bruges), and they are pretty, and if they were related and lived near me I would be a happy girl. Also, for a moment forgetting my plethora of celebrity crushes, (which, I swear, are mostly jokes, and I do not sit by my window all day sighing prettily and waiting for Corey Feldman to whisk me away to Los Angeles, or any other celebrity. I just think a few celebrities are attractive and interesting, and talk about them a lot. I do NOT have a problem.) Norton is a brilliant actor. He's always good. Even when the movie sucks (Kingdom of Heaven) or makes NO SENSE (Down In The Valley>), he is good. So the question, for those of you not devoted to Mr. Norton, is whether or not it's worth it to sit through a mediocre cop movie for one brilliant performance? I say yes, but I am biased.* Passengers - I like Anne Hathaway, but unless critics start crying its praises, I'll probably wait for the DVD. Has it gotten any press? That is never a good sign (actually, that's a lie. Many great movies get no press whatsoever, because the industry is stupid, but Anne Hathaway is huge right now, so I'd imagine if she even wandered by the set of a movie, they'd promote the shit out of it. But maybe not.) * Zack and Miri Make a Porno - Yes. YES. I still like Kevin Smith, I am a Jersey Girl, I adored Seth Rogen on Freaks & Geeks (which everyone claims to love NOW, but if you'd all loved it when it was on they wouldn't have CANCELLED it, would THEY?!) Also, I think the stick-figure ads are very funny, because stick-figures are always entertaining.* I've Loved You So Long - Kristin Scott Thomas is reportedly genius in this movie, and I'd like to see her as something other than the Howling Mother Of Doom & Gloom In Overwrought Period Pieces (see The Other Boleyn Girl) and while the movie itself isn't getting perfect reviews, I've already stated that one great performance can save a movie.* Let the Right One In - Let's call this movie Twilight, If It Was Foreign And Actually Scary And Didn't Suck Because Seriously, Have You Seen The Trailers For That Shit?. And let's see this movie before the asshats who made Cloverfield remake it, only, you know, not good.* The Haunting of Molly Hartley - Because what America needs right now is a tween horror movie starring the not hot dude from Gossip Girl. It's all about Chuck Bass, and don't pretend otherwise. I want him to corrupt me. * Splinter - Another Horror Movie Generating Great Buzz That Won't Get Half As Many Screens As Saw V. I love me some horror movies. WHY is Saw V the only option?!* The Other End of the Line - Apparently this stars Some Dude From Desperate Housewives, a show I have never seen, and will never see, because frankly Terri Hatcher is frightening, Eva Longoria-Parker makes me angry, and even the ass-kicking talent that is Felicity Huffman cannot lure me to Whatever The Name Of The Street Is. So no, I will not be buying advanced tickets for this PARTICULAR FILM.I'll post November's Pre-Reviews some time next week (you know, before November), or sooner if somebody tells me how the Charlie Kaufman movie is. Seriously. Please?
Things That Are Pissing Me Off Right Now* Madonna's Divorce - Because I don't care, and I am being INUNDATED with this bullshit. Madonna's a psychotic control freak who sleeps in a body-bag and runs all those miles trying to flee the skeletal hand of Death? SHOCKER. I do not care. The election is coming up, I am having nightmares about who's going to win, the economy is in the shitter, I have a zit that is making me very unhappy, and I'm supposed to be OMFG MADONNA is DIVORCING! MY WORLD HAS SHATTERED INTO A MILLION PIECES AND HOW WILL I PICK UP THE PIECES AND GO ON?! HOW, I ASK YOU?! And I like celebrity gossip. Like, a lot. I think it's funny and entertaining, and it's diverting when I'm tired and bored with serious issues. Plus, I'm a movie geek, so actors are always fascinating to me. But these two? Don't give. A Shit. Sorry. I still won't listen to her music, and if I see Guy Ritchie's movie, it will be because it gets good reviews, not because he finally managed to tear himself away from the iron grip of the Monster. If America Ferrara punches out Katherine Heigl for being a smug, talentless whore, however, I will be reloading Perez Hilton every five seconds, cackling with glee into my Tab. I really dislike Katherine Heigl. And I really like Tab.* My Dog - Because he's cute and sweet and wonderful to snuggle with, but he will NOT stop barking or nipping me, and I don't know why. He's been walked, he has water, food, snacks, LOVE, and I don't know what I NEED to give him to make him LEAVE ME BE.* Hardball - Because I watch it, and end up screaming at the TV, even though I know Pat Buchanan can't hear me (and I have a not-so-secret love for Pat, because he used to be very close friends with Hunter S. Thompson, and anyone who the Good Doctor liked is automatically Cool, now and forever, even if he's being a total dick about Obama), and I scare my little brother shitless by threatening violence against political pundits I don't know, who exist in the flickering box.* The Election - You have to ask? It's scary and intense, and if McCain wins I don't know what I'll do. (That's not true. I'll probably scream at the TV, cry, get supremely drunk, drunk-dial anyone I know who voted for McCain, the probably try to call the White House and beg them for a recount, at which point I will either be informed that I'm a moron, or Homeland Security will arrest me for Dialing With Intent To Annoy, and then my parents won't have to worry about me getting a job anymore.)* ShopBop - Because I go on there pretending to be a rich beer baroness, remember I'm broke and only marginally employed, and get really fucking annoyed that someone out there is charging THOUSANDS of dollars for a bag. I pay $6,000 for a bag, the seams better be lined with unicorn tears. Or CRACK.* My Writing Class - Because the hot guy dropped it, my teacher doesn't think there's ever been a good female journalist, half the class doesn't understand BASIC GRAMMAR (I'm talking basic - like, period at the end of a sentence basic. Or how to use a semi-colon. These things make me twitchy with rage. Also, the train ride is ridiculous, and sometimes the kiosk doesn't have diet ginger ale, and it's like, THE WHOLE TRIP WAS FOR NAUGHT), and the other half are self-obsessed, vaguely racist in a way that also encompasses the middle class. And the only bright spot the past two weeks have been the guy who would arrive to class half an hour late with no apologies, then use the five minute break to walk six blocks to Dunkin Donuts, and return twenty-five minutes after the break with pastries and coffee, and I kind of loved him because he was such a bastard that he found this behavior socially acceptable, and he dropped the class TOO. Also, there's a lady who thinks she's teaching the class because she's old, and by the end of the semester my professor may beat her to death with his iced tea bottle. Which I would enjoy, since she also thinks the rest of us are lowly peons because we are not old, and we told her that her articles shouldn't be five-page advertisements for the Bible, no matter how nifty a read it might be.I'm writing an article on a beekeeper. Tomorrow, I get to go see BEES. I don't think I'm allergic, but then again, I still don't know why my face mysteriously turned red and swollen the other day. The peanut theory is a bit of a wash, because I (being subconsciously suicidal (which I think would be a great name for a band, or maybe a Lifetime movie)) ate a peanut bar, and nothing happened. So was it just those peanuts? Did it have nothing to do with the peanuts? IS MY SKIN TRYING TO SEND ME MESSAGES? WHY IS EVERYTHING SO HARD?!I had more stuff I wanted to write, but it's all BLAH BLAH BLAH, I have a lot of writing to do, blah blah blah, I keep missing Gossip Girl, blah blah blah, I'm excited about the Edward Norton/Colin Farrell movie, even though it looks a bit suckish. I should do an update involving upcoming movies. I may do that now. It's Post-A-Rama!And if anyone has any ideas on how to get more people reading my blog, please comment.And to the reader who wants me to post my next tattoo options, I have been nudged, and I will do so tomorrow, once I locate a few pictures to illustrate them. SEE?! YOU COMMENT, AND I RESPOND. This is the way the world works. - LVPS I'm going to be going back through the blog and reformatting it from the beginning, for my own personal reasons. I won't be changing the text (unless I see a typo, or I said something insanely stupid), so if anyone was worried, don't be.
So, hiatus over. Moving on.I am not a fashionista. I have gone days - DAYS wearing the same ratty sweatshirt and sweatpants, snarling at anyone in a better outfit (meaning anyone), and blowing cigarette smoke in their faces. Those were the dark College Days we do not speak of any longer.I love clothes, and since I lost the weight I think I've become a fairly decent dresser. And I really love clothes. As in, I get glazed eyes when I pass Zara's, and have been known to squeal in public at the sight of a cute skirt. I also know what's ugly, and what doesn't make sense. So, seriously, what the everloving FUCK is going on with these boots?These bother me more then those heel-less shoes Victoria Beckham has been wearing, because A) They still look like shoes, just shoes that defy the laws of physics, and B) I have decided that Victoria Beckham is my new girl-crush, and I want her to take me shopping and introduce me to her stylist, then when she isn't looking I will BRAIN her with the boot pictured above, and me and David Beckham will run into the sunset, me clutched in his muscular, tattooed arms.Because, seriously, what the fuck am I supposed to think about these shoes? Either they are meant to brain random celebrities, or Urban Outfitters expects a lot of us to be slogging through pig shit on our way to work. I don't know. I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT THESE SHOES ARE ABOUT. THEY ARE UPSETTING.I keep looking at the picture. I mean... it's like boots mated with jodpurs, and this is their hideous bastard child. I don't know anymore. I just don't know.- LVPS This is my sort-of tribute to The Fug Girls, because I want them to adopt me and cure me of my leggings fixation, and maybe help me get over Corey Feldman, or at least stop defending Quentin Tarantino's increasingly insane public behavior. Heather and Jessica, you kick all the ass and more.
Yes. Yes it is. Because I said so.My head is now normal colored, but I am terrified to put anything on it, because frankly my life is complicated enough without looking like I'm auditioning for Ketchup! The Musical, as Tina Tomato, the spunky country girl hoping to make it big as America's favorite condiment.Let the hiatus resume... again.- LV
But I wanted to write a post about how I am having a strange allergic reaction to eitherA) The THREE peanuts I ate today, even though I eat peanuts regularly, and have never had a problem with them before,B) My dog, although we've since discounted thisC) Pumpkins (according to me dear but puzzled mother)D) A face lotion I applied LAST NIGHT, orE) A haircut (according to me dear but deeply confused father) (who wants me to specify that he means the HAIRSPRAY or SHAMPOO they used, even though my scalp is not red)F) My couch, although even my parents can't offer a plausible explanation for why only my face is red, and no other body partsMy throat isn't swelling, and only my face is red (there's even a line, like I applied a cruel facial mask, or got a chemical peel), so I'm not going to die any time soon. It doesn't seem to be spreading. But I look like my brother took a red marker and scribbled all over my face (and yes, I checked that possibility). It's itchy and hot and annoying, and I can't go out in public until it goes down a LOT.And I got my haircut fixed today, so I no longer resemble a naughty librarian (I may be the only one who saw that resemblance).And now I'm lying on the evil couch, half-writing my vampire book, which I'm sure any respectable author would frown upon, and half-watching (for the tenth time, I think) Lost Boys: The Tribe, because my love for Corey Feldman is real and eternal, and nothing will come between us - not reality, or his marriage and child, or my red, tomato-colored face, or the fact that I will always refer to him as Edgar, no matter how long we are together, and even in public, or our age difference, NONE OF IT MATTERS. Because our love is TRUE. Our love is of the fiber that Shakespeare could only dream of, our love is endless and deep as the ocean and wide as the earth and you are all jealous of our passion because you know nothing in your life will ever come close, you FOOLS!The rash may have reached my brain. I'm going to sulk over the state of my face.Let the hiatus resume.- LVPS Corey Feldman IS hot. And you know it. I will not apologize for my love.
Because I lurve it. And because a hiatus is kind of boring, for me at least.I'm wearing a ginormous T-Shirt, which may make me look hideously misshapen, but honestly, I'm not.I like it. It makes me happy. And I have a list of other tattoos I'd like to get, and if anyone commented, I might actually post the options.- LVPS That was a hint.
This website is endlessly entertaining, more so than it should be, and is yet another reason to love Sarah Palin.Crazy, evil, manipulative, batshit wench that she is.- LVPS This is not a fair and balanced blog. Vote Obama. This blog supports Obama.
LV is still on hiatus. This is her talented and wonderful assistant writing. My name is VL. Yes, LV has many wonderful assistants. Did you not know that? You know nothing of her! A few interesting things, for those who care (and who would not care about LV? Nobody!)* This blog has passed 3,000 hits (finally!)* LV got a tattoo (her first)* LV has started another book. This one has vampires. Seriously. * LV has a big sloppy crush on Russel Brand, because really, who wouldn't?That is all. LV will return, eventually. Maybe. She is very mysterious. Like the wind. She whistles through the trees. Shhhhhh. Do you hear her?- VL (who is, of course, not LV cleverly masquerading as her own assistant)
OK, not a real hiatus. But I've been depressed, and have a lot going on, so my posting may become less frequent.If anybody notices, or comments, I'll be very surprised.Class tonight, and I don't want to go. I hate the commute, and I'm over New York. Completely. That love affair ended quite badly.Maybe I should change the name of this blog, if that's the way I feel. Any alternatives would be good.I'll finish my shitty article for class, write some E-Mails that are hideously overdue, hope people write me back for a change, and then work on my book. See? This isn't fun or interesting blogging. This is whiny, self-pitying bitter-blogging. Which is no fun for anyone.So maybe a little break will be good for all of us.It's not you, it's me. No, really.- LV
My E-Mail is not working.I have writer's block.I think the person I was and the person I am don't get along.Nobody is answering my text messages or E-Mails.I'm playing around with a story idea based loosely on The Lost Boys - the way all the shit I write is based on something else. Well, there are vampires.Don't take that to mean I've been writing. My stupid assignment for my stupid class is barely even started, and it's due tomorrow.I think the person I am and the person I'm becoming are two entirely separate entities. Some days, I want to get into a car and just drive, until I'm far enough away that I can start over. I wrote that when I was fifteen and even dumber than I am now, but it's still true sometimes. I still love the idea of becoming a different person, reinventing myself and coming out smarter, tougher, stronger, braver, better. Maybe I will one day.I think I'm leaning towards getting my tattoo. It feels important, although I know it isn't.Some days, the chemicals in your brain decide to do their own thing, and you're just along for the ride.Whatever. Evolution. No one said it was a pleasant or easy experience.And that's your dose of incoherent rambling for the day.- LV
