Behold, ElleVee's handy-dandy guide on which movies to see, and which to avoid, based on her educated guesses, random crushes, and personal prejudices! Each month (for as long as it holds her interest, but definitely the rest of the year), ElleVee will pre-review movies, letting YOU know what's coming out! And she even included TRAILERS!
* High School Musical 3: Senior Year - I cannot WAIT to not see this movie. Don't get me wrong, the first was surprisingly adorable, and I might have maybe downloaded that song "Stick To The Status Quo," not that I'm admitting ANYTHING here. But I never saw the second, and all the actors kind of make me depressed now, especially Zac Efron, whose sexuality I'd be questioning if I could bring myself to care. So I'm just thrilled that if I DO go to the movies this weekend, I will not be seeing this. Ever. I will not have to stand behind squealing teenagers, or sit near bored parents, and nobody will sing at me. I will not have to watch Vanessa Hudgens try to act and pretend the older audience members haven't seen those naughty pictures. I won't have to feel bad for Ashley Tisdale, who I think might be old enough and smart enough to know how bullshit this whole charade is. But best of all, no singing. Bliss.
Edit: I just rewatched the trailer, and might sneak in to this movie on a weekday, wearing sunglasses and an elaborate hat, maybe, if only because I think there's a slim chance that Sharpay will bitch-slap both Efron AND Hudgens, and because maybe the songs weren't as bad as I thought, and also I like musicals. But officially, I will not see this movie. Until it comes out on DVD.
* Changeling - I have a total girl-crush on Angelina Jolie, and have no problem admitting this. Because she fucking rocks out loud, and I want to be her when I grow up, only with fewer babies, and less crazy, and I'd have gone with Robert Downey, Jr. or Edward Norton instead of Brad Pitt. But otherwise, she rocks. And I've heard this movie is Oscar-gasmic (see how clever that is?) and Clint Eastwood turned out to be a damned good director (I'm ignoring Million Dollar Baby, which I hated and made me want to hurt myself and others, except for Morgan Freeman, who I want to hug me and stroke my hair and read me A Tree Grows In Brooklyn, because that would make my life good. And he was in that movie with Angelina, so maybe we could all hang out, and I could date James McAvoy, even though he's married, because this is my fantasy, damn it), and I'm still cross that Angelina got royally shafted for A Might Heart, and I want this movie to right those wrongs.
Note: Where can I buy a hat like Angelina's? And why is she always in the nuthouse?
* Saw V - OK, seriously, stop. The torture movie genre is dead. Stop kicking the corpse. I saw (HA) the first one, and the second. They didn't scare me. I don't find torture frightening, I find it gross. And morally heinous. I don't enjoy watching people get tortured. I don't GET these movies. That we are on FIVE now (and, according to my beloved-yet-cruel IMDB, and sixth on the way) says something very unsound about our national psyche. And yes, the little puppet man is freaky, and I once chased my friend around a store with a toy version for shits and giggles, but seriously. Let it go. Who's still seeing these? Whenever I typed 'see', I wanted to make a see-saw joke, the likes of which me and my friends made back when the first one came out, and found brilliant. But I didn't.
* Synecdoche, New York - Charlie Kaufman, writer of Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind, writes and directs this film. That is all I need to know, although the cast looks excellent as well. But really, it's because I love Charlie, and everything he does, including his Oscar acceptance speech.
How can I not love this man? How can ANYONE resist his charms? I kind of love him, a little, especially his crazy hair, and he is FAR more attractive than Nicolas Cage was in Adaptation., although that isn't saying much. Anyway. This movie has a limited release, meaning it probably won't be playing near here, but if you are lucky enough to be nearby, see it, and tell me how good it is.
* Pride and Glory - As I've said before, this movie looks suckish. It looks like a lot of other movies, what with the honor and the cops and the angst and the hot brothers you never see in real life. But do I care? Not really. It's Edward Norton and Colin Farrell (who should have gotten more attention for In Bruges), and they are pretty, and if they were related and lived near me I would be a happy girl. Also, for a moment forgetting my plethora of celebrity crushes, (which, I swear, are mostly jokes, and I do not sit by my window all day sighing prettily and waiting for Corey Feldman to whisk me away to Los Angeles, or any other celebrity. I just think a few celebrities are attractive and interesting, and talk about them a lot. I do NOT have a problem.) Norton is a brilliant actor. He's always good. Even when the movie sucks (Kingdom of Heaven) or makes NO SENSE (Down In The Valley>), he is good. So the question, for those of you not devoted to Mr. Norton, is whether or not it's worth it to sit through a mediocre cop movie for one brilliant performance? I say yes, but I am biased.
* Passengers - I like Anne Hathaway, but unless critics start crying its praises, I'll probably wait for the DVD. Has it gotten any press? That is never a good sign (actually, that's a lie. Many great movies get no press whatsoever, because the industry is stupid, but Anne Hathaway is huge right now, so I'd imagine if she even wandered by the set of a movie, they'd promote the shit out of it. But maybe not.)
* Zack and Miri Make a Porno - Yes. YES. I still like Kevin Smith, I am a Jersey Girl, I adored Seth Rogen on Freaks & Geeks (which everyone claims to love NOW, but if you'd all loved it when it was on they wouldn't have CANCELLED it, would THEY?!) Also, I think the stick-figure ads are very funny, because stick-figures are always entertaining.
* I've Loved You So Long - Kristin Scott Thomas is reportedly genius in this movie, and I'd like to see her as something other than the Howling Mother Of Doom & Gloom In Overwrought Period Pieces (see The Other Boleyn Girl) and while the movie itself isn't getting perfect reviews, I've already stated that one great performance can save a movie.
* Let the Right One In - Let's call this movie Twilight, If It Was Foreign And Actually Scary And Didn't Suck Because Seriously, Have You Seen The Trailers For That Shit?. And let's see this movie before the asshats who made Cloverfield remake it, only, you know, not good.
* The Haunting of Molly Hartley - Because what America needs right now is a tween horror movie starring the not hot dude from Gossip Girl. It's all about Chuck Bass, and don't pretend otherwise. I want him to corrupt me.
* Splinter - Another Horror Movie Generating Great Buzz That Won't Get Half As Many Screens As Saw V. I love me some horror movies. WHY is Saw V the only option?!
* The Other End of the Line - Apparently this stars Some Dude From Desperate Housewives, a show I have never seen, and will never see, because frankly Terri Hatcher is frightening, Eva Longoria-Parker makes me angry, and even the ass-kicking talent that is Felicity Huffman cannot lure me to Whatever The Name Of The Street Is. So no, I will not be buying advanced tickets for this PARTICULAR FILM.
I'll post November's Pre-Reviews some time next week (you know, before November), or sooner if somebody tells me how the Charlie Kaufman movie is. Seriously. Please?
* High School Musical 3: Senior Year - I cannot WAIT to not see this movie. Don't get me wrong, the first was surprisingly adorable, and I might have maybe downloaded that song "Stick To The Status Quo," not that I'm admitting ANYTHING here. But I never saw the second, and all the actors kind of make me depressed now, especially Zac Efron, whose sexuality I'd be questioning if I could bring myself to care. So I'm just thrilled that if I DO go to the movies this weekend, I will not be seeing this. Ever. I will not have to stand behind squealing teenagers, or sit near bored parents, and nobody will sing at me. I will not have to watch Vanessa Hudgens try to act and pretend the older audience members haven't seen those naughty pictures. I won't have to feel bad for Ashley Tisdale, who I think might be old enough and smart enough to know how bullshit this whole charade is. But best of all, no singing. Bliss.
Edit: I just rewatched the trailer, and might sneak in to this movie on a weekday, wearing sunglasses and an elaborate hat, maybe, if only because I think there's a slim chance that Sharpay will bitch-slap both Efron AND Hudgens, and because maybe the songs weren't as bad as I thought, and also I like musicals. But officially, I will not see this movie. Until it comes out on DVD.
* Changeling - I have a total girl-crush on Angelina Jolie, and have no problem admitting this. Because she fucking rocks out loud, and I want to be her when I grow up, only with fewer babies, and less crazy, and I'd have gone with Robert Downey, Jr. or Edward Norton instead of Brad Pitt. But otherwise, she rocks. And I've heard this movie is Oscar-gasmic (see how clever that is?) and Clint Eastwood turned out to be a damned good director (I'm ignoring Million Dollar Baby, which I hated and made me want to hurt myself and others, except for Morgan Freeman, who I want to hug me and stroke my hair and read me A Tree Grows In Brooklyn, because that would make my life good. And he was in that movie with Angelina, so maybe we could all hang out, and I could date James McAvoy, even though he's married, because this is my fantasy, damn it), and I'm still cross that Angelina got royally shafted for A Might Heart, and I want this movie to right those wrongs.
Note: Where can I buy a hat like Angelina's? And why is she always in the nuthouse?
* Saw V - OK, seriously, stop. The torture movie genre is dead. Stop kicking the corpse. I saw (HA) the first one, and the second. They didn't scare me. I don't find torture frightening, I find it gross. And morally heinous. I don't enjoy watching people get tortured. I don't GET these movies. That we are on FIVE now (and, according to my beloved-yet-cruel IMDB, and sixth on the way) says something very unsound about our national psyche. And yes, the little puppet man is freaky, and I once chased my friend around a store with a toy version for shits and giggles, but seriously. Let it go. Who's still seeing these? Whenever I typed 'see', I wanted to make a see-saw joke, the likes of which me and my friends made back when the first one came out, and found brilliant. But I didn't.
* Synecdoche, New York - Charlie Kaufman, writer of Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind, writes and directs this film. That is all I need to know, although the cast looks excellent as well. But really, it's because I love Charlie, and everything he does, including his Oscar acceptance speech.
How can I not love this man? How can ANYONE resist his charms? I kind of love him, a little, especially his crazy hair, and he is FAR more attractive than Nicolas Cage was in Adaptation., although that isn't saying much. Anyway. This movie has a limited release, meaning it probably won't be playing near here, but if you are lucky enough to be nearby, see it, and tell me how good it is.
* Pride and Glory - As I've said before, this movie looks suckish. It looks like a lot of other movies, what with the honor and the cops and the angst and the hot brothers you never see in real life. But do I care? Not really. It's Edward Norton and Colin Farrell (who should have gotten more attention for In Bruges), and they are pretty, and if they were related and lived near me I would be a happy girl. Also, for a moment forgetting my plethora of celebrity crushes, (which, I swear, are mostly jokes, and I do not sit by my window all day sighing prettily and waiting for Corey Feldman to whisk me away to Los Angeles, or any other celebrity. I just think a few celebrities are attractive and interesting, and talk about them a lot. I do NOT have a problem.) Norton is a brilliant actor. He's always good. Even when the movie sucks (Kingdom of Heaven) or makes NO SENSE (Down In The Valley>), he is good. So the question, for those of you not devoted to Mr. Norton, is whether or not it's worth it to sit through a mediocre cop movie for one brilliant performance? I say yes, but I am biased.
* Passengers - I like Anne Hathaway, but unless critics start crying its praises, I'll probably wait for the DVD. Has it gotten any press? That is never a good sign (actually, that's a lie. Many great movies get no press whatsoever, because the industry is stupid, but Anne Hathaway is huge right now, so I'd imagine if she even wandered by the set of a movie, they'd promote the shit out of it. But maybe not.)
* Zack and Miri Make a Porno - Yes. YES. I still like Kevin Smith, I am a Jersey Girl, I adored Seth Rogen on Freaks & Geeks (which everyone claims to love NOW, but if you'd all loved it when it was on they wouldn't have CANCELLED it, would THEY?!) Also, I think the stick-figure ads are very funny, because stick-figures are always entertaining.
* I've Loved You So Long - Kristin Scott Thomas is reportedly genius in this movie, and I'd like to see her as something other than the Howling Mother Of Doom & Gloom In Overwrought Period Pieces (see The Other Boleyn Girl) and while the movie itself isn't getting perfect reviews, I've already stated that one great performance can save a movie.
* Let the Right One In - Let's call this movie Twilight, If It Was Foreign And Actually Scary And Didn't Suck Because Seriously, Have You Seen The Trailers For That Shit?. And let's see this movie before the asshats who made Cloverfield remake it, only, you know, not good.
* The Haunting of Molly Hartley - Because what America needs right now is a tween horror movie starring the not hot dude from Gossip Girl. It's all about Chuck Bass, and don't pretend otherwise. I want him to corrupt me.
* Splinter - Another Horror Movie Generating Great Buzz That Won't Get Half As Many Screens As Saw V. I love me some horror movies. WHY is Saw V the only option?!
* The Other End of the Line - Apparently this stars Some Dude From Desperate Housewives, a show I have never seen, and will never see, because frankly Terri Hatcher is frightening, Eva Longoria-Parker makes me angry, and even the ass-kicking talent that is Felicity Huffman cannot lure me to Whatever The Name Of The Street Is. So no, I will not be buying advanced tickets for this PARTICULAR FILM.
I'll post November's Pre-Reviews some time next week (you know, before November), or sooner if somebody tells me how the Charlie Kaufman movie is. Seriously. Please?
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