Fall Movie Bonanaza: November (With Trailers!)

* Role Models - This could be good. It could also be used as torture in prisons across the country, where screaming inmates beg for death rather than experience one more second of this excruciating nightmare. I'm leery, to be honest, although still happy that Paul Rudd has a career post-Clueless. I miss him.* Soul Men - I was really sad when Bernie Mac died. He was me and my friends' TV Dad. We watched The Bernie Mac Show, and learned lessons about self-worth and courage. It's going to be hard to advertise a comedy wherein one of the leads died recently. It's not like The Dark Knight - that was angsty and, well, dark. Heath Ledger's death might even have increased the mystique of the film. I don't see that happening for Soul Men. And I don't see myself seeing it, either. Also, I'm tired of watching Samuel L. Jackson scream at people. He needs a new schtick.PS Is Issac Hayes in this movie too? Samuel L. Jackson better watch out... this does not bode well.* Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa - The first one didn't amuse me. This one looks shriller, dumber, and frankly I have no desire to see hippos flirting. Skip it.* Repo! The Genetic Opera - It's a horror musical. Was this movie made with me in mind? I suspect so, and I thank all those involved. Singing and violence? Dare I say... heaven? Oh, I dare. Plus, it's got Giles from Buffy! Anthony Stewart Head rules! Yeah, OK, the Saw dude is making it, but it's supposedly subversive and funny and has singing and violence! I must see this film. And Paris Hilton! ....Wait. But the music in the trailer is truly ass-kicking, and we all know Giles can sing from that musical episode of Buffy. Yeah, I'll be there opening day.* House - Sadly not the big-screen version of my beloved Hugh Laurie's television series (not that I was excited for about three seconds when I saw the name or anything), this is ANOTHER horror movie. The synopsis sounds like Saw meets Identity and the remake of House On Haunted Hill, and not in a good way (although I secretly love the 1999 House On Haunted Hill, because Chris Kattan is really funny, and Geoffrey Rush is always delightful). Everyone knows the best religious/intellectual serial killer ever was John Doe in Se7en, and people need to stop trying to improve upon it. Se7en, by the way, is still scary. Watch that, and skip this. Apologies, Michael Madsen - I admire you greatly, but even your acting chops can't convince me to see this film. Also, the trailer is kind of awful.* The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas - So, I've had a sick/twisted crush on David Thewlis since Naked, which probably says something hideous about my personality. I did not see Basic Instinct 2, though, so I wouldn't say I'm a BIG fan. The trailer is great, and the cast is brilliant, plus Little Voice is a fantastic underrated film that you should all go rent, because it's adorable in the best sense of the word. And while I'm generally leery of Holocaust movies (Life Is Beautiful made me angry at all of them, for complicated reasons I'd rather not go into at the moment. Plus, Schindler's List was such a devastating film, and I saw it a good few years before I should have, that after that whenever I see a Holocaust movie trailer, my first thought is, "It was horrible, I know, vast suffering, a dark moment in history, we should never forget it, PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME SEE ANOTHER MOVIE THAT WILL REDUCE ME TO A SOBBING PUDDLE OF MISERY!" Although I quite liked The Pianist), this one is taking a view I've never seen on film, and the trailer might have made me cry a tiny little bit, not that I'm admitting ANYTHING. See it, and bring a box of tissues, and possibly a therapist.* Quantum of Solace - Dude, Daniel Craig can rock a suit. He just looks good a suit. He is the sort of man who was born to wear suits, and should always be wearing suits. The man rocks a suit. And he's the best Bond since Connery, which isn't really saying much because a lot of them were shit, but he IS very good, and Casino Royale was girl-porn with him and his suits and his accents and nova-blue eyes. So yeah, I'm going to see this movie, and not for any of the reasons I should - the great cast, wonderful director, hysterically bad title, etc. I'm going to see it because Daniel Craig carries a big gun and rocks a suit, and beyond that the details are immaterial.* Assassination of a High School President - Oh, Mischa Barton. I never watch The O.C., and despite my affection for Gossip Girl, I don't intend to rent it. I have never actually seen you act, now that I think about it. I know you only as that silly, skinny girl who wears perplexing outfits to red carpet events, and was in that movie with the fake lesbians. And yet your presence in this movie - which has gotten fantastic early reviews, and sounds like something I would love - makes me wary. Are you the one spot of ick on an otherwise flawless film? Or have you 'stepped up' and proved that you can in fact act? These are important questions that need to be answered. Which I will, when I go see this movie. But I still won't like you.Note: I couldn't find a full trailer for this movie, but the clip I've posted A) made me remember why I loved Bruce Willis in Pulp Fiction, and B) made me cackle with delight.* Slumdog Millionaire - PRO: Danny Boyle made Trainspotting, Shallow Grave, and 28 Days Later.... CON: He made Sunshine, and I still don't know what that movie was about. PRO: It's getting much love at the festivals. CON: It nearly went straight to video - never a good sign. PRO: The music and camerawork in a clip I saw are great.CON: The trailer tells me NOTHING about the plot, although I imagine a lot of people will be running.PRO: I kind of don't care, because it's still Danny Boyle.Note: This claims to be the trailer, but I suspect it's really just a clip of the movie, since it doesn't even give the name of the film. Or maybe Danny Boyle is embarking on a bold new marketing campaign - "I will show you tantalizing film clips, but YOU need to find the name of the movie yourself! It's a TREASURE HUNT, and your prize is CINEMA!"* Christmas Tale - I am very excited about this movie, although with my luck it won't play near me, and I will have to wait an additional year for the DVD release. It's got two of the best cast members of The Diving Bell And The Butterfly (one of those rare films that EXCEEDS the hype), and Catherine Deneuve (who I get my middle name from, because my parents are insane), and the director is great. This looks like, dare I say, The French Royal Tenenbaums. I mean that in a good way. I love that movie. Mathieu Amalric brings brilliant physicality to his roles, and a sort of riotous tragedy, like the sad crying clown if I wasn't petrified of clowns. The trailer makes me smile. I can't wait.* Bolt - Just... no. Nope. Negative. I can't... WHY IS JOHN TRAVOLTA A DOG?! WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?! HOW DO YOU GO FROM PULP FICTION AND GET SHORTY TO THIS ANIMATED DOG FILM? IS IT JUST ME, OR IS HIS CREEPINESS EXPANDING AT AN ALARMING RATE THAT NEEDS NATIONAL ATTENTION?! AND WHY THE HELL DID MILEY CYRUS AGREE TO DO THIS MOVIE? HOW DESPERATE IS DISNEY TO SUCK EVERY SWEET DROP OF HER MARKETABILITY FROM HER BODY BEFORE SHE GETS CAUGHT SNORTING CRACK OFF A DEAD PUPPY?! However, I will admit that the hamster is funny. That is all I'm giving this movie. It's more than it deserves.* Twilight - I read the first book, and even though it infuriated me, I couldn't put it down. I read the second, which had goddamn werewolves, and lost interest. I'm sorry, they're stupid. They annoy me, and I will post a blog of all my complaints when the release is closer. I love vampires (I'm writing a book about them now, but MY vampires aren't all angsty and sulky and they don't SPARKLE in the SUNLIGHT or develop psychotic crushes on girls because they smell nice, or act like total douchebags all the freaking time) and think we need a good vampire movie, but this is not it. The trailer is stupid, the actors are miscast (Edward's supposed to be the hottest guy in the history of hottness. He is supposed to be an orgasm on two legs. Robert Pattinson looks like he's a goth reject from The Cure, who is possibly on some really fun drugs that make him look like he's a second away from passing out). I won't say there's no chance of me seeing this movie - I might, if it gets great reviews, or every other movie playing is sold out, or I'm drunk - but it's slim. Very, very slim.* Transporter 3 - I saw the trailer for this when I went to see the vile W., and I MIGHT have giggled and squealed whenever Jason Statham was shirtless. It's possible. Because, as has been stated multiple times before, I have a weakness for well-muscled British men who can rock a suit. But how many guys can RIP OFF THEIR SHIRT MID-FIGHT AND STRANGLE THE OTHER GUY WITH IT?! He goes from suit to half-naked in like, .05 seconds. I may have to loop this trailer. Don't tell anyone. Oh, but I probably won't see the movie - even though I saw the other two. And I really like Jason Statham. And mindless violent films are fun. I wonder who I can bribe to go see this with me....PS The shirt-tastic fight scene comes at 1:34. And is it just me, or does the plot sound like what Speed 2 should have been? * Four Christmases - Reese Witherspoon is one of my favorite actresses, but even she can't compel me to see this movie. I have problems with heartwarming holiday comedies that try so hard to be cute and precocious and 'say something' about family. They're never very funny. In fact, they're usually depressing. Vince Vaughn has kind of become a sad, sad joke. But I would like to congratulate Jon Favreau on losing a ton a of weight, and looking fantastic. And the director has made some great documentaries, like The King Of Kong. Nope, not working. You can see this - I'll be off at the far more acerbic Christmas Tale. * Australia - Nicole Kidman's terrifyingly blank, over-Botoxed face notwithstanding, I'm really looking forward to this film. She is a fairly good actress (she was brilliant in To Die For), and needs to redeem herself after Cold Mountain, The Golden Compass, and The Invasion. Among others. Baz Lurhmann hasn't made a bad movie yet, and you can't argue that his work is visually arresting. The trailer is interesting, with echoes of The African Queen, or at least Out of Africa. It's also nice to see Hugh Jackman taking a variety of roles, and not being pigeonholed by his Wolverine casting. He's a very talented actor, who picks some really terrible movies on occasion (Kate & Leopold makes me want to strangle Meg Ryan. Well, most things do), but was ass-kicking in The Prestige and Scoop (which was a GOOD MOVIE, YOU NEOPHYTES). And he's got good arms. I'm sorry, it had to be said.* Milk - O.M.F.G. Gus Van Sant's movies either rock out loud (To Die For, Good Will Hunting, My Own Private Idaho, Drugstore Cowboy), are incoherent shit (Psycho, Last Days, Even Cowgirls Get The Blues) or suck, but I like them anyway (Gerry, Elephant). But they are never boring. Ever. And the cast of this is good enough to make grown men weep (Sean Penn, Josh Brolin (who will always be That Dude From The Goonies to me), Emile Hirsch, James Franco (who, in every interview, enjoys discussing kissing Sean Penn, which is hilarious in and of itself), Diego Luna and Some Due From High School Musical, among others). Sean Penn may be gunning for another Oscar, and I'm just fine with that. I'm going opening day. Viva Milk.

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