Ugh.

I am totally sick with some mysterious wasting virus which apparently makes everything INSIDE my body desperate to get OUTSIDE my body by any means possible. I think it was featured on an episode of Firefly (and if the SHOW HADN'T BEEN CANCELLED I'D KNOW THE CURE).In between being sick, I also keep belching. So while I am overwhelmed with misery and pain, and unable to get more than fifty feet from the bathroom without extreme panic attacks, I humbly offer you all this funny article on what had better be the best movie ever. It made me laugh.Then I hurled again.Happy Holidays!- LV

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Not Even An Update, It Is So Small And Quick!

I am working on my year-end book reviews (and trying to keep them short and coherent), and reading two books I need to review, and working on an article, and preparing for the holidays, and writing, and substitute teaching.So expect a BUNCH of book reviews coming up, but less babbling from me for the moment, as I am busy AND tired.But to make up for it, I present to you the cutest mouse ever in the history of the universe:more animalsYou're welcome.- LV

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I Scream For Snow!

Huzzah for a full day off from EVERYTHING. The snow effectively cancelled school, trapped me in the home with books, and I drank tea and read and did NOTHING of consequence. NOTHING. It was AWESOME. I'm reading about five books at once. I don't quite know how this happened. I'd list them all, but at the moment they escape me.American Pastoral is located in an imaginary town very close to my real town. Which is cool, and unsettling, because my town is so freakishly small that even knowing about the larger nearby towns makes me feel violated. STAY OUT OF NEW JERSEY, Philip Roth! The book itself is quite good - it took a long time to get into it (nearly seventy pages), but now I'm sucked in.I'm also reading Interesting Times. Rincewind has always been my second favorite Discworld character, but I've never felt his books have lived up to the fun of his character. Even when he had great lines, the story itself was never up to par (see Sourcery, even though it had some good bits). With Interesting Times, I finally feel like the story is worthy of the character. Both are perfect. Also, on a personal level, I had a running joke in high school where I would say, "I'm sorry, I got excited, I thought I saw a potato" (please, please don't ask), so the potato joke filled me with a starchy sort of glee.I need to wrap presents, and drink more tea. Tea and books are great. So is snow, even if I do freeze my ass off every time I step outside for a cigarette.Finally, I used all my charm and feminine wiles to get some pizza dough tonight. Interpret that as you will.- ElleVee

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Life Lessons

My phone is in the shop. I miss it. I feel naked without. I keep feeling like I've lost it, and desperately searching around for it, only to remember it's at the phone hospital. Then I stand there like an ass.It's snowing a lot. I love the snow. I'm a lunch aid tomorrow, which amounts to just three hours of work, but I honestly don't mind the reduced pay for a day (especially since Thursday I have a kindergarten class for a whole day) since I'm a bit under the weather. Plus, I've worked every day this week (I know it's Tuesday, but after a near-year without a daily job, working three and a half guaranteed days seems like a lot), and with the weather being what it is, I'll most likely work on Friday as well. Bad weather means good times for the substitutes of the world.I got my Early Review book from LibraryThing. It's Three Minutes On Love by Roccie Hill. Despite the awful title, so far the book is surprisingly good. It's also a nice contrast to Soul Music, which also deals with rock music (or Music With Rocks In).Anyone else think Robert Downey, Jr. got shafted by the Golden Globes for Iron Man? And don't lay that Tropic Thunder shit on me - Tom Cruise got a goddamn nomination for it to. It was a really fun movie, but that's hardly the point, is it?It's cold. And I miss my phone. I'll get it back tomorrow, fingers crossed. But huzzah for sleeping in! And huzzah for snow!- LVEdit: How the HELL did I get 91 hits yesterday? Where did all these people come from? WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH ME?! Or was that just me reformatting? Hmmm....

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Education Is Good

Kindergartners are awesome. Like, totally amazing. They operate on a wholly different level from any other child. And they're exhausting, and violent, and loud, and hyper. But great. I really enjoy teaching them, and they're small and cute and funny, and I can actually help them with their math.My phone has been possessed. I can now receive text messages, and send them, but regular phone calls keep going directly to voice mail. No matter WHAT I do. I'm hoping that when I get paid I can take it in and get it fixed. That would make me deliriously happy. To, you know, be able to actually talk to my friends. Beyond text messages. Even though I love texting, and prefer it to most modern communication.I did my holiday shopping today. And got it ALL done. And didn't even buy myself anything in Borders, which may be an historic event worthy of news reports and a witty aside by Stephen Colbert. I'm just saying.The only downside to teaching is that at the end of the day, I'm ready for bed. I'm utterly wiped out. You're running around and have to be peppy and excited and happy and deal with a thousand and one crises, and you're not allowed to curse because the kids' heads will EXPLODE so I say 'Gosh' a lot, and you need to remember which kids will DIE if they eat peanuts and which kids need reading assistance and which kids communicate by throwing BLOCKS OF WOOD at each others' heads and... it's a lot. But it's also the best job I've ever had.- LV

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I'm Not Sure How I Feel About This

So, apparently my late husband Hunter S. Thompson's real-life widow Anita is considering using his sperm to have a baby.For those of you living under a rock, the Good Doctor died three years ago. He also has a son who has a son. So this kid would be born to a dead father, a half-brother, and a nephew several years older than him. I'm refraining from commenting, because all jokes about me being Hunter Thompson's spirit widow aside, the situation weirds me out in a big way. And yet, at the same time, I kind of think he'd find the whole thing funny. No, I mustn't get involved. that way lies madness.In other news, my phone is a piece of SHIT. WHY can I not MAKE OUTGOING CALLS?!In still other news, I now own 900 books, and am checking myself into a Promises-style rehab program as soon as one exists for book junkies.- LV

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Did Something Happen To Blogger?

Or have I been too busy and sleepy to notice? This is very likely. I don't like it. How do I post pictures? How do I do anything? I feel like someone came in and rearranged all my furniture while I was at work! Who do I complain to?! And what the everloving hell is a MIME Type? There are many things I know. That is not one of them.Edit: It appears to be working now. BUT FOR HOW LONG?!Little kids are strange. I'm sure I've said it before, and will again, but hey, it's true. Here is a conversation I had three minutes after walking into a kindergarten class:LV: Hi, I'm Miss Elle-Kid 1: Are you married?LV: I... what?Kid 2: Are you married?LV: Um... no.Kid 1: Why not?Kid 2: Are you engaged?Kid 1: Do you have a boyfriend?LV: Uh... have you been talking to my grandmother?Then they insisted on calling me 'Mrs.' all day, despite my gentle reminders of singledom. According to the other young single teacher, they do this to all women. It's just their way. But isn't that weird? Are all adults married in the minds of children? When did this start?My phone is still out of control, and my Gmail has collapsed for reasons I can't begin to suss out.It's raining and cold and foggy out. But I am warm, for once, and shall make tea and popcorn after a dinner of soup, and all will be well.I went to Borders today, ostensibly to buy a planner. And I did, and it's perfect and beautiful and only cost twenty bucks. Then I bought books. Of course:* Reading Lolita in Tehran: A Memoir in Books - Azar Nafisi* Long Way Gone: Memoirs of a Boy Soldier - Ishmael Beah* Interesting Times - Terry Pratchett.I'm trying to read more non-fiction. And finish the Discworld series. I still have thirteen or so books to buy before I own them all. I'm so happy - it will take me some time, since I only allow myself to read one at a time, so theoretically if Terry Pratchett doesn't get any sicker and writes a lot, my book supply could last another year or two. Is that a shallow reason for me to wish the man health? Yes, but I doubt he cares.Why does everything that isn't a book BREAK when I look at it? The internet is wonky, my phone HATES me for complicated reasons, and even the TV is flickering ominously. Maybe I have a poltergeist. I'm working tomorrow, then I get to enjoy a blessed weekend of- no, wait, scratch that. I have to spend the weekend with my grandparents and other assorted relatives, because my older cousin is getting married (so guess who gets to hear the 'spinster speech' yet again? I've told my grandmother very calmly that if Hugh Laurie gets a divorce, or if James Franco or Adrien Grenier calls her, I will be married in a heartbeat. But barring that, there's slim pickings for eligible men-folk in Jersey. Besides, I'm 22 (almost 23 - ugh), and it's not like people my age should be getting married anyway, generally. She makes me feel like I'm forty-five, and obligated to provide a male heir to a fading empire). I'll bring a lot of books, and my broken phone, and try to make it through with a touch of dignity.I'm hungry. Is dinner ready yet?- LV

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What The Effing Eff Is Wrong With My Computer?

The mouse WORKS, but only on SOME webpages, and I can't access my Gmail (or rather, I can, but I cannot CLICK on any of the E-Mails, so I get a tantalizing hint of the subject matter in the first line, and THAT'S IT. Even LibraryThing is mocking me! And even this Blogger window is all weird, which is why I have no links. Did the internet just brain-snap? Because I feel like we should have a contingency plan for that sort of thing. I can't comment on LT, for Christ's sake! This is akin to a national emergency! Edit: OK, It appears LT is working for the moment. And Gmail. So you can all stop panicking. You need to remain CALM in a crisis, like me.Edit, Again: And it's not working again. My patience is NOT epically long.Edit, Redux: It's working. I am emotionally shattered for the day.I'm awake because I have work today (kindergarten aid). I'm glad for a number of reasons (and since I love lists, here's another!).* I get money. Say what you will, having money is far more pleasant than not having money. Also I don't have to borrow cash from my ten year old brother at fifteen percent interest just to buy a goddamn cup of coffee.* I don't have to been until 11, and while that means I admittedly get LESS money, I still get money, and anyway I LIKE sleeping, and may start a political party around the four-hour workday. I think such things.* I'm an aid, not the sole teacher (I hope), which is a huge relief because frankly the last class I had slammed me on my ass. That rhymed. * Since I'm working, I don't have to go to my class tonight! Huzzah! I knew the local educational system wouldn't let me down!I finished The Crimson Petal and the White last night. Whenever I finish a big, hefty book, I feel like strangers should applaud me, or at least be impressed. The usual reaction when I gush about finishing a Big Book, however, is a blank stare and either a hesitant smile or the slow reach for the pepper spray. I need a planner. It's nice to need a planner, but I'm a little bit insane about them. They need to have a full page for each day, have a plain cover (no cats or puppies, because while those things are adorable, they have no place on a planner), and look solid, like they won't compulsively explode in my bag for no reason (this has happened to me, and the cover had hearts on it, so I rest my case). I may go today after work to get one, but Borders' selection is paltry at best, and I don't really know where to get a nice one that isn't over thirty dollars. Life is SO HARD, or maybe I am that lazy.Gmail can go fuck right off, because it's not working and I hate it. What else? I felt like I had a lot of interesting and intelligent things to say, but that must have been my sleep-filled brain. Go read The Crimson Petal and the White, because it's very interesting and really long, and I want someone to discuss it with. I had a dream last night, and I was wearing that dress I saw at Zara's, once again PROVING that I should have BOUGHT it, because Dream-Elle looked very good in it, if I do say so myself.- LV

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There Is No Trouble So Great Or Grave That Cannot Be Much Diminished By A Nice Cup Of Tea

I like that quote. I have no idea who said it, but I bet they made kick-ass tea.Things That Are Contributing To My Shitty Mood* LibraryThing is down, rendering the entirety of the internet USELESS.* House last night was both one of the funniest ever, and inarguably the corniest ever. Although I laughed and clapped at the Sherlock Holmes reference. * I didn't have work today, which in a short period of time I've come to rely on to sort of shape my days.* Hormones. They suck. I like in Terry Pratchett's world, when you die your hormones no longer cloud your thinking. It's a winder the suicide rate in Discworld isn't much higher.* It's raining, which normally makes me happy as a pig in shit, but today is just making me even sadder, probably because I had to stand in it for a full ten minutes while my mother rummaged for her keys, soaking me through and making my hair look like a sad, dead rat.* I went shopping, which can also make me happy as pig in ecstasy-laced shit, but only when I have money. Which I don't, currently.* While shopping, I was gushing over an amazing dress in Zara's, debating if I should ask for it for Christmas, when my mother kindly answered, "Why would you buy that? It's not like you have anywhere to wear it to." Thanks, Mom.* My phone has once again lost its mind on a profoundly deep level (I can't access my address book, can only text sometimes, and the phone has been calling itself. I didn't know these problems EXISTED), and I don't have any money to replace it, and my warranty has run out.* I'm cold.* I wanted to buy the Rosetta Stone program to learn Italian, due to my recent reading material, and the program is $500. That is a shitload of money. Which I do not have.The above list is embarrassingly shallow, but I am indeed in a foul mood, and just very sad. I need a hug. From Hugh Laurie.I finished Heat last night, which I loved. I learned quite a bit about history, and Italian food, and how to say 'dick' in Italian, which due to my personality is the ONLY word I remember from the whole freaking book. Now I'm desperate to go back to Italy and become a teacher in some poor mountain town, and start a torrid affair with the local butcher, who is gifted with meat but secretly longs to be an artist, and I'll inspire him and he'll feed me and I'll write my memoirs and they will be made into a movie with Angelina Jolie playing the part of me, and my surly Italian paramour can be played by Javier Bardem, who is not Italian but is so horrifyingly sexy that I'll let it slide, and anyway it's a movie people.I'm going to lie down. It might be best for everyone.- LV

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Did I Fall Into A Time Loop?

OK, so my phone just alerted me that I had two missed calls. Nothing unusual, I rarely have my phone on me when I'm at home. But apparently these two missed calls, from my good friend Sa, were missed LAST WEEK. And then I got a voicemail. From LAST WEEK. And in that time, I've had phone calls and voicemails and text messages.So the question is: which of us got a ride with the Doctor on the TARDIS. And why wasn't it me?- LV

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I'm Dreaming Of A Random Randomness

This morning, when my mom woke me up for work, I blearily told her I was in fact already dressed, and that my hair looked great. I was under the covers at the time. Luckily, she didn't believe me.Kindergarteners are a trip, man. They're like almost human. They look like tiny humans, and speak English, but their world is completely different from ours. They're also the most violent group I've dealt with yet. Their culture demands sacrifices to Cookie Monster, or maybe Elmo, the Blood God.I love love LOVE The Crimson Petal And The White. My problem with most historical writing is how sanitized it is - everything is clean and sparkly, and nobody pees or gets sick, and if they do, it's Delicate Wasting Disease, where the women are lovely and pale, and fade away tragically. Also, the writing usually sucks. But Michael Faber's writing is incredible; the whole style is so unusual, and the details are remarkable. I'm really enjoying it. I want to finish it this time. It's just such a heavy book. I can't bring it with me when I'm out and about.I really really REALLY hope I get to work on Thursday. Because I don't want to go to my last writing class. Because I haven't done the assignment from last week. And I don't know the assignment for this week. And the class is boring and stupid, and takes forever to get to, and there are no cute guys (shallow, yes, but my commute to this goddamn class is almost five hours, and I think I deserve an attractive male to stare at for all my effort). And I'd much rather make money. Except for this blog, I haven't been writing. At all. I don't think it's writer's block - I have two ideas for short stories, both weird and no doubt inspired by endless Borges reading - but when I sit at my computer, words fail to come. It's annoying, and depressing. So much of my inner life is based on writing, and I can't do it. I'm frustrated. And today my mother told me that she doesn't think these books are going to be The Books, but eventually I'll write a few great ones. On one hand, that's very complimentary. On the other, I want to yell and scream and insist that THESE books are going to be the first on my journey to greatness, and will shock the world with my brilliance. Then I go eat cranberry sauce sandwiches, which are delicious.I want to go shopping. I only get paid monthly. So I HAVE money, but not really. Metaphorical money. I need books, so many books. And clothes. Lots and lots of clothes.Career-wise, I'm thinking of education and law. Or criminology. These are the things I like, and I just have to decide which one I'm going to pursue first. As everyone keeps telling me, I'm young, and I can change careers. And judging by the increasing number of magazines and newspapers going under, journalism may not be the safest career choice.Did you hear Russell Brand may be in the remake of Arthur? Did you hear my screams of joy and delight following this knowledge? Some remakes make Elle squeal. Most make her weep.- LV

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I'm Know I'm Supposed To Be Out Drinking And Partying On A Saturday Night...

But instead I agreed to babysit, because I need the cash. My brother had a friend over, so they kept to themselves.It started snowing. The first snow of the season. I made some hot tea, popped a bowl of popcorn, curled up on the couch, and finished Collected Fictions by Jorge Luis Borges, which was wonderful and surreal and, in a strange way, perfect for a snowy night in New Jersey.And after a long, stressful week, and what looks like a truly hellish holiday on the horizon, it was just a really pleasant evening. - LVPS Of course, after reading so much Borges I start to think that maybe I'm not myself, that I'm just a dream of a dream of myself, or that another version of me, older and bitter, is going to wander by and threaten me with my own future, or that I'll go outside for a cigarette and find two dark, dangerous men in a knife-fight, and I will be thrown to the winner as chattel, or that when I step outside the air won't be cold and crisp, but hot and arid, and I will be in the labyrinth with the minotaur, and a blue tiger will be on my tail (or is it the tail of my dream?).So I'm going to go smoke a cigarette, believe in reality, and read Heat: An Amateur's Adventures as Kitchen Slave, Line Cook, Pasta-Maker, and Apprentice to a Dante-Quoting Butcher in Tuscany, because cooking is about order and precision, and Mario Batali would SHANK anyone's dream who dared wander into his kitchen.PPSS On the TV, I just noticed this OLD Nickelodeon short called "The Prometheus and Bob Tapes" and I laughed out loud. Anyone remember it? Aliens and cavemen? Little clay people? AWESOME. I miss Nickelodeon before it sucked.

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Sleepy...

I could talk about two days of substitute teaching, and working with severely autistic children, and how much I love it, and the fun adventure of buying the new J.K. Rowling book, or how I am woefully behind in phone calls/E-Mails/text messages, or even how my brother is trying to convince me that Spongebob is somehow inspired by the works of Shakespeare (he's ten, and his logic is pretty brilliant), but I'm not going to.Because I'm tired. And dealing with stomach issues.So I'm going to make a list of books I own that I still need to read, and I'll post it when I'm done. I'd already be sleeping, but I promised my sibling I'd watch Home Improvement with him, and it's at 9:00 P.M. I may pass out before then. And I have work again tomorrow, so I need my rest. I get first graders tomorrow. So far I've had second graders, third graders, and fourth graders. This severely autistic little girl looked at me, said, "One day, I will be a woman just like you," and hugged me round the middle. I nearly bawled, especially when the other helpers told me she doesn't like touching people.Kids can be awesome. When they aren't drooling or sneezing or screaming- LV

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The Call

Why am I awake at this ungodly, and some would say imaginary, hour? You read right, kids - I got The Call. Today will be my first day substituting. At my brother's school, no less, which will not please him. I have very mixed feelings about all this.* Money is good. I will get money for working.* I have been suffering from a bought of insomnia, and didn't get to bed until around 2:00 A.M. My alarm went off around 5:45 A.M. I've been awake ever since.* I think substitute teaching will be fun.* I won't be able to smoke all day, and might try to smoke the kids. * It's the special reading class, and if I can do anything it's read.* My bed is very warm and snuggly, and the outside world fails to be so.* I actually have something to do today!There's more, but I can't type right now. Will report from the front, if I make it out of grade school alive.- LV

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Work Is Tough

A long, semi-productive day. For the people who called/text me today, I apologize - my phone was nearly dead, and I had to preserve all my batteries for phone calls of an important nature.I spent the day at the mall, applying at every store that was hiring. My hands hurt from filling out job applications. My face hurts from smiling at people in the hopes that they would give me a job. And my head hurts from the music half these goddamn stores insist on blasting at top volume. Being forced to scream to ask for a job does not bode well.All in all, I applied to about twenty stores, most of which were hiring. And I had an 'interview' at Victoria's Secret, sort of. And I applied at Borders (and bought books, because I HAVE A PROBLEM, AND IT WAS SO HARD TO GO INTO ZARA AND NOT BUY THE PRETTY GREEN COAT THAT WAS MEANT FOR ME! DEAR GOD WHY MUST MY LOVE BE UNFULFILLED AND SO EXPENSIVE?). And now I'm going to lie here and sulk, because no matter where I look I can't find my goddamn copy of Hellboy 2, and I'm starting to wonder if I even bought it, even though I KNOW I did, and it's even listed on my LibraryThing, and LT would NEVER lie to me.So I'm going to be sad, and long for my Hellboy trade paperback, and the forbidden green coat of love, and watch the Hellboy movies, because Ron Perlman makes me happy. And I'll E-Mail and call and text people tomorrow. Honest.- LV

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