6:56 P.M. - The Twilight dude is stalking the red carpet in a cloud of his own cool.6:57 P.M. - What the HELL is on Heidi Klum's arm?6:58 - I really just want Danny Boyle to discuss zombie movies, and Shallow Grave and Christopher Eccleston. He looks about a second away from clubbing someone to death. Danny Boyle, I mean.6:59 - Viola Davis and her husband are adorable. Her dress color is stunning. Leslie Mann looks stoned.7:01 - Is it just my TV, or is Heidi Klum's dress kind of pink? And her hair looks like she didn't have time to blow it dry. And that dude from America's Next Top Model is drawing squiggles all over her boobs.7:04 - Michael Shannon looks like a Bizarro World version of Ewan McGregor. To me, at least. Amy Adams is wearing a KILLER red dress. I need that dress, and her hair.7:05 - Seal has the loveliest speaking voice. 7:06 - The Mama Mia! chick is also wearing red, but a grosser red. And she has a ginormous bow. I am against the ginormous bow trend. I feel strongly about this serious matter.7:07 - Does Heidi Klum have a tattoo? I suddenly like her so much more.7:10 - Michael Sheen is like, mind-bogglingly sexy when he's not playing David Frost. He's so British and raunchy.7:11 - Amanda Seyfried has no excuse looking so crappy. JESUS CHRIST Seth Rogen is HOT. GORGEOUS. Who's that chick with him? Are there TWO chicks with him?7:12 - Mickey Rourke is here. The party can finally begin. Sarah Jessica Parker looks like the world's bitterest bridesmaid. Like, 'FUCK YOU, bride.'7:13 - Natalie Portman is someone I want to be friends with. She just seems cool. And she went to Harvard, and can give me Hugo Weaving's number. These are thoughts in my head.7:14 - I hope Ryan Seacrest demands that Amanda Seyfried explain her dress, and her hair, and her deeply sour expression. No, they're talking about Diablo Cody, who I care not at all about.7:15 - Robert, Downey Jr. is making faces because he doesn't know the camera is on him. I can't describe how much this makes me love him. Is Anne Hathaway wearing white AGAIN? Is she trying to recreate herself as the sacrificial virgin of bad relationships? I need to understand.7:16 - Did I mention I also want Amy Adam's necklace?7:17 - Robert Pattinson is NOT attractive. OK, his accent is kind of hot. But ALL accents are hot. And I am a woman who is easily won over by an accent. Did he even wash his hair? I've decided his bowtie is a clip on, and no evidence refuting that belief will change my mind.7:18 - WHO IS JAMES FRANCO WITH?! 7:19 - Sarah Jessica Parker is so incredibly full of shit. And what is going on with her husband's hair? Is it HIGHLIGHTED?! Broderick looks supremely bored by the Sex and the City questions. 7:20 - RDJ is back onscreen, and all is well. Seth Rogen looks banging. Applause all around.7:21 - Maybe I can't be friends with Natalie Portman. She's so beautiful, she can even pull off pink and sequins. I'd probably hate her, and spit in her beer, then feel real bad about it.7:22 -Sean Penn looks very handsome. Dashing, I'd say. Ooh, commercials.7:27 - I like Marisa Tomei a lot, but she has a lot of explaining to do regarding that dress. Thank you, Ryan Seacrest, I think she knows the name of the movie she won an Oscar for. 7:28 - I dislike Beyonce, but I love how angry her dress makes my mother. She looks like the Little Mermaid gone horriblt wrong. Dominatrix Mermaid Barbie? 7:29 - Mickey Rourke is demented. And possibly stoned. Does he have his hand in his crotch? Aww, what he's saying about his dog is incredibly sweet. I love him very much now, more than ever before. He seems like such a NICE nutcase. And Mickey Rourke wanders off to confound someone else.7:31 - SJP called her dress 'barely mint.' That is toolish. And behold the High King Of Tools, Josh Brolin. Diane Lane's not allowed to talk apparently. "Just stand there and look pretty, Woman."7:32 - I am really thinking of petitioning that Brolin play Blagojevich. I don't CARE about any other aspect. I just need that to happen in my lifetime. Queen Latifah kicks everyone's ass.7:33 - I think Jessica Biel's phone is stuck in her hair. That takes windswept to a WHOLE new level. The only thing I want to hear Ron Howard say is, "The Arrested Development movie is coming out..."7:35 - Blah Blah Blah. Ron, I love you, but I don't want to hear about Nixon. I just read 750 goddamn pages on the man. I saw the movie twice. I am TAPPED OUT.7:36 - FINALLY! Arrested Development news!7:38 - I HATE Jessica Biel's dress. I just don't get it. She's rich a beautiful and her boyfriend is rich and beautiful, and she got to make out with Edward norton.7:40 - The announcer actually screamed when Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt came out of the limo. I know this isn't real journalism, but aren't you supposed to be slightly professional? I love Angie's dress. And her hair. And her tattoos. And her arm candy. Team Jolie!7:43 - Penelope Cruz can wear whatever she wants. I rather resent her for that. But she was so glamorous and disastrous in Vicky Cristina Barcelona.7:44 - PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN IS WEARING A DO-RAG. LET ME SAY THAT AGAIN - HE'S WEARING A DO-RAG. HOLY EVERLOVING CHRIST.7:46 - In my next life, I hope I am HALF as sexy, pretty, and cool as Angelina. Only I'd ditch Brad Pitt, and make Russell Brand MINE. CAN YOU IMAGINE THE UNIVERSE WHERE THOSE TWO ARE A COUPLE?! I'm both intrigued, and terrified.7:47 - I'd like to revise my opinion of Beyonce. She may be Queen Tool of The Oscars. 7:48 - Kate Winslet's dress isn't doing anything for me. But I don't think she gives a shit, either way. She's rich and famous and insanely talented, and I'm lying here in a stained sweatshirt alternating between blogging and working on my LSAT notes. So no, I don't think my opinion will bother her terribly.Break for commercials, and to make tea and smoke a cigarette.8:00 - RDJ is so cool.8:02 - Kate WInslet is such a normal person. I know how that sounds, but really. She's so calm. I hope she wins.8:03 - Diane Lane speaks! And says nothing of interest whatsoever.8:04 - Tim Gunn is such a nice man.8:05 - SJP is speaking French, and it makes me angry. These two are so weird. Like they've just been introduced, and each thinks the other smells a bit like poo.8:06 - Frank Langella really should win the Oscar. He won't, and I'll be really happy if Loco Rourke wins, but Langella's performance was the best. His daughter is so shy. I want to hug her. Hugs for ALL.8:07 - Miley Cyrus' dress is AMAZING. It has its own zip code. And possibly its own system of imports and exports.8:12 - The Slumdog Millionaire kids are so adorable. I want to give them all chocolate. 8:13 - Mickey Rourke has no idea what he's wearing. The public should be thankful he's wearing anything at all.8:14 - Those High School Musical kids do nothing for me. RDJ is going to be Sherlock Holmes. I know this well, but I am still desperately excited about this. LOOK AT HIM:8:17 - Anne Hathaway looks like a wan, pale, unhappy disco ball.8:22 - Meryl Streep's daughter has a fabulous dress. Ms. Streep, not so much. I'm getting bored. I want the show to start now. And to see if my picks win.8:28 - I did this backwards. Most recent entry should be at the TOP, not the BOTTOM. Bad, stupid LV. No cookies for you.
