This should go without saying, but DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE WINNERS. SPOILERS ON THE OSCAR WINNERS BELOW.
8:31 - I'm still waiting eagerly for the day Ricky Gervais hosts the Oscars. That shit would be TIGHT.
8:32 - Although I doubt he could fill a tuxedo quite as well as Mr. Hugh Jackman.
8:33 - Apparently people will applaud ANYTHING Hugh says. Luckily, he's Broadway-trained.
8:34 - This is actually pretty funny. And Hugh's got a great voice. I think Kate Winslet may have just weed herself a bit.
8:35 - Shit, this is better than some of the movies. Hugh Jackman for Secretary of Defense.
8:36 - I take back everything bad I've ever said about Hugh Jackman, or musicals. Anne Hathaway changed her dress, and is a good sport. Wow, she can sing too. My esteem for her just rose beyond words.
8:38 - Hugh Jackman is dangerously close to losing his shit.
8:39 - Mickey Rourke may beat up Hugh Jackman for this. I wonder how fanboys reconcile a singing Wolverine.
8:40 - Hugh Jackman is chatting and sitting on Frank Langella's lap. Mickey Rourke is pleased with Hugh Jackman's offering, and has decided he may live. For now.
8:42 - Now a retrospective on Best Supporting Actress. Bring back Hugh. Make him sing a song about Geithner.
8:44 - Holy crap, lots of Oscar Winners! Whoopi Goldberg skinned a cat on her way there. Tilda Swinton is wearing makeup. She never wears makeup. I feel uneasy. Eva Marie Saint is so chill. Anjelica Huston and Goldie Hawn win Best Dressed.
8:46 - Whoopi pwns The View. I vote that she usurp Barbara Walters in a bloodless coup.
8:47 - Goldie Hawn is dangerously close to falling out of her dress. This is really a very nice way to honor the nominees. This way, at least the losers got commended by actual winners.
8:48 - Huzzah! Penelope Cruz! Actually, if she faints, that dress would be a good landing place.
8:54 - Ooh, Tina Fey! She looks terribly glam. Steve Martin is funnier here than the past two Pink Panther movies combined.
8:56 - This is a cool way to show Best Original Screenplay. I hope In Bruges wins.
8:58 - DAMN IT. I mean, don't get me wrong, Milk was great, and I loved it, and yay and all, but In Bruges was AMAZING.
8:59 - This is another lovely speech. Political, but beautiful. So now it's OK he won.
9:01 - Best Adapted Screenplay. I have to vote for Frost/Nixon, because I loved it, and because I'm pretty sure Slumdog is going to sweep.
9:02 - WHO CALLED IT?! I AM THE NATE SILVER OF LAST-MINUTE PREDICTIONS.
9:04 - HAHA, Jennifer Anniston has to present an award in a stupid dress, while her ex-husband sits next to Angelina Jolie IN THE FRONT ROW. SUCK IT.
9:05 - Wall-E, how I love thee. Madagascar 2 has no right to even be in the same ROOM as you. SMITE IT.
9:07 - How come the roaches at my apartment weren't cute like that?!
9:08 - Wall-E! Is anyone surprised? Man, I should have bet money on that.
9:10 - I want Oktapodi to win, because octopi are frigging ADORABLE.
9:11 - Man, I suck at this.
9:12 - DUDE, DOMO ARIGATO GUY ROCKS.
9:16 - Perez Hilton is LiveBlogging the Oscars too. Bet he gets more hits than me.
9:17 - SJP's dress reminds me of toilet paper, but all is forgiven when you're walking beside Daniel Craig.
9:18 - They got dressed up, AND they wore roller skates at the phone company. Times used to be simpler. I just want Dark Knight to win everything, because seriously, WHY no Best Picture?
9:19 - I really hope nobody is betting based on my predictions.
9:20 - I just couldn't bring myself to see Benjamin Button. And I love David Fincher. I just... didn't have the energy to see this movie. Hm. Weird.
9:21 - Daniel Craig looks profoundly bored. Why is he presenting costume awards anyway? Put the man in a suit, and leave it alone. DON'T MESS WITH WHAT WORKS.
9:22 - Eh. The Duchess. Who can argue with dresses that glamorous?
9:24 - SJP's whole problem is that she is nowhere near as cute as she likes to believe.
9:25 - PLEASE LET HELLBOY WIN.
9:26 - GOD FUCKING DAMN IT IS THERE NO JUSTICE IN THE WORLD?!
9:27 - I dislike both these people. Pattinson needs to be gone from my sphere of awareness.
9:29 - Some weird choices in this 'Romance' thing. High School Musical 3? Twilight? AND WHY NO HELLBOY?! WHY DOES THE ACADEMY REFUSE TO LOVE RON PERLMAN?!
9:34 - Ben Stiller, THANK YOU for mocking Joaquin Phoenix. I forgot you could act. And kudos to Natalie Portman for keeping a straight face.
9:35 - BEN STILLER HAS WANDERED OFF.
9:36 I'm tired of Slumdog winning stuff.
9:37 - This dude has GREAT hair. I want to pet it. Is that weird? I think that's weird.
9:47 - THAT. WAS. AWESOME. Why is James Franco so hot, and not in my life?
9:49 - Wait, was Seth Green nominated for an Oscar?
9:51 - IMDB has just informed me that it is in fact Steph Green, and I'm an idiot.
9:53 - Yes, he's singing again!
9:54 - Beyonce, stop ruining my happy. STOP IT.
9:55 - OK, Hugh's goodness is overwhelming my Beyonce dislike.
9:56 - DUDE.
9:57 - Etta James is going to knife Beyonce in the parking lot. Who called it first? I am completely unenamoured with Zach Efron.
9:59 - Hugh Jackman may actually single-handedly bring back vaudeville.
10:04 - IT'S THE WALKEN! This is the only way Cuba Gooding, Jr. could get on Academy Property again.
10:05 - HAHA, Alan Arkin is WASTED. If Heath Ledger doesn't win, there may be a nation-wide insurrection. And I'll be upset.
10:06 - Josh Brolin's inner monologue: 'Yes, I am indeed glorious. How kind of you to notice.'
10:07 - You know, it really doesn't matter what Christopher Walken says. Just float on the music of his voice.
10:08 - Kevin Kline can rock a 'stache.
10:09 - Yes. I'm really, really happy he won. Sean Penn is crying.
10:12 - OK, so maybe I cried a little. What of it?
10:21 I think I'm going to go to bed. I don't really care anymore. i just needed Heath to win. And now I'm sleepy. And have LSAt shit to finish.
10:46 - Will Smith is the High Priest of tools.
10:47 - Kudos to Jerry Lewis for the shortness of his speech. I appreciate that. I seriously need to go to bed.
8:31 - I'm still waiting eagerly for the day Ricky Gervais hosts the Oscars. That shit would be TIGHT.
8:32 - Although I doubt he could fill a tuxedo quite as well as Mr. Hugh Jackman.
8:33 - Apparently people will applaud ANYTHING Hugh says. Luckily, he's Broadway-trained.
8:34 - This is actually pretty funny. And Hugh's got a great voice. I think Kate Winslet may have just weed herself a bit.
8:35 - Shit, this is better than some of the movies. Hugh Jackman for Secretary of Defense.
8:36 - I take back everything bad I've ever said about Hugh Jackman, or musicals. Anne Hathaway changed her dress, and is a good sport. Wow, she can sing too. My esteem for her just rose beyond words.
8:38 - Hugh Jackman is dangerously close to losing his shit.
8:39 - Mickey Rourke may beat up Hugh Jackman for this. I wonder how fanboys reconcile a singing Wolverine.
8:40 - Hugh Jackman is chatting and sitting on Frank Langella's lap. Mickey Rourke is pleased with Hugh Jackman's offering, and has decided he may live. For now.
8:42 - Now a retrospective on Best Supporting Actress. Bring back Hugh. Make him sing a song about Geithner.
8:44 - Holy crap, lots of Oscar Winners! Whoopi Goldberg skinned a cat on her way there. Tilda Swinton is wearing makeup. She never wears makeup. I feel uneasy. Eva Marie Saint is so chill. Anjelica Huston and Goldie Hawn win Best Dressed.
8:46 - Whoopi pwns The View. I vote that she usurp Barbara Walters in a bloodless coup.
8:47 - Goldie Hawn is dangerously close to falling out of her dress. This is really a very nice way to honor the nominees. This way, at least the losers got commended by actual winners.
8:48 - Huzzah! Penelope Cruz! Actually, if she faints, that dress would be a good landing place.
8:54 - Ooh, Tina Fey! She looks terribly glam. Steve Martin is funnier here than the past two Pink Panther movies combined.
8:56 - This is a cool way to show Best Original Screenplay. I hope In Bruges wins.
8:58 - DAMN IT. I mean, don't get me wrong, Milk was great, and I loved it, and yay and all, but In Bruges was AMAZING.
8:59 - This is another lovely speech. Political, but beautiful. So now it's OK he won.
9:01 - Best Adapted Screenplay. I have to vote for Frost/Nixon, because I loved it, and because I'm pretty sure Slumdog is going to sweep.
9:02 - WHO CALLED IT?! I AM THE NATE SILVER OF LAST-MINUTE PREDICTIONS.
9:04 - HAHA, Jennifer Anniston has to present an award in a stupid dress, while her ex-husband sits next to Angelina Jolie IN THE FRONT ROW. SUCK IT.
9:05 - Wall-E, how I love thee. Madagascar 2 has no right to even be in the same ROOM as you. SMITE IT.
9:07 - How come the roaches at my apartment weren't cute like that?!
9:08 - Wall-E! Is anyone surprised? Man, I should have bet money on that.
9:10 - I want Oktapodi to win, because octopi are frigging ADORABLE.
9:11 - Man, I suck at this.
9:12 - DUDE, DOMO ARIGATO GUY ROCKS.
9:16 - Perez Hilton is LiveBlogging the Oscars too. Bet he gets more hits than me.
9:17 - SJP's dress reminds me of toilet paper, but all is forgiven when you're walking beside Daniel Craig.
9:18 - They got dressed up, AND they wore roller skates at the phone company. Times used to be simpler. I just want Dark Knight to win everything, because seriously, WHY no Best Picture?
9:19 - I really hope nobody is betting based on my predictions.
9:20 - I just couldn't bring myself to see Benjamin Button. And I love David Fincher. I just... didn't have the energy to see this movie. Hm. Weird.
9:21 - Daniel Craig looks profoundly bored. Why is he presenting costume awards anyway? Put the man in a suit, and leave it alone. DON'T MESS WITH WHAT WORKS.
9:22 - Eh. The Duchess. Who can argue with dresses that glamorous?
9:24 - SJP's whole problem is that she is nowhere near as cute as she likes to believe.
9:25 - PLEASE LET HELLBOY WIN.
9:26 - GOD FUCKING DAMN IT IS THERE NO JUSTICE IN THE WORLD?!
9:27 - I dislike both these people. Pattinson needs to be gone from my sphere of awareness.
9:29 - Some weird choices in this 'Romance' thing. High School Musical 3? Twilight? AND WHY NO HELLBOY?! WHY DOES THE ACADEMY REFUSE TO LOVE RON PERLMAN?!
9:34 - Ben Stiller, THANK YOU for mocking Joaquin Phoenix. I forgot you could act. And kudos to Natalie Portman for keeping a straight face.
9:35 - BEN STILLER HAS WANDERED OFF.
9:36 I'm tired of Slumdog winning stuff.
9:37 - This dude has GREAT hair. I want to pet it. Is that weird? I think that's weird.
9:47 - THAT. WAS. AWESOME. Why is James Franco so hot, and not in my life?
9:49 - Wait, was Seth Green nominated for an Oscar?
9:51 - IMDB has just informed me that it is in fact Steph Green, and I'm an idiot.
9:53 - Yes, he's singing again!
9:54 - Beyonce, stop ruining my happy. STOP IT.
9:55 - OK, Hugh's goodness is overwhelming my Beyonce dislike.
9:56 - DUDE.
9:57 - Etta James is going to knife Beyonce in the parking lot. Who called it first? I am completely unenamoured with Zach Efron.
9:59 - Hugh Jackman may actually single-handedly bring back vaudeville.
10:04 - IT'S THE WALKEN! This is the only way Cuba Gooding, Jr. could get on Academy Property again.
10:05 - HAHA, Alan Arkin is WASTED. If Heath Ledger doesn't win, there may be a nation-wide insurrection. And I'll be upset.
10:06 - Josh Brolin's inner monologue: 'Yes, I am indeed glorious. How kind of you to notice.'
10:07 - You know, it really doesn't matter what Christopher Walken says. Just float on the music of his voice.
10:08 - Kevin Kline can rock a 'stache.
10:09 - Yes. I'm really, really happy he won. Sean Penn is crying.
10:12 - OK, so maybe I cried a little. What of it?
10:21 I think I'm going to go to bed. I don't really care anymore. i just needed Heath to win. And now I'm sleepy. And have LSAt shit to finish.
10:46 - Will Smith is the High Priest of tools.
10:47 - Kudos to Jerry Lewis for the shortness of his speech. I appreciate that. I seriously need to go to bed.
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