LiveBlogging The Oscars, For No Good Reason

This should go without saying, but DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE WINNERS. SPOILERS ON THE OSCAR WINNERS BELOW.8:31 - I'm still waiting eagerly for the day Ricky Gervais hosts the Oscars. That shit would be TIGHT.8:32 - Although I doubt he could fill a tuxedo quite as well as Mr. Hugh Jackman.8:33 - Apparently people will applaud ANYTHING Hugh says. Luckily, he's Broadway-trained.8:34 - This is actually pretty funny. And Hugh's got a great voice. I think Kate Winslet may have just weed herself a bit.8:35 - Shit, this is better than some of the movies. Hugh Jackman for Secretary of Defense.8:36 - I take back everything bad I've ever said about Hugh Jackman, or musicals. Anne Hathaway changed her dress, and is a good sport. Wow, she can sing too. My esteem for her just rose beyond words.8:38 - Hugh Jackman is dangerously close to losing his shit. 8:39 - Mickey Rourke may beat up Hugh Jackman for this. I wonder how fanboys reconcile a singing Wolverine.8:40 - Hugh Jackman is chatting and sitting on Frank Langella's lap. Mickey Rourke is pleased with Hugh Jackman's offering, and has decided he may live. For now.8:42 - Now a retrospective on Best Supporting Actress. Bring back Hugh. Make him sing a song about Geithner.8:44 - Holy crap, lots of Oscar Winners! Whoopi Goldberg skinned a cat on her way there. Tilda Swinton is wearing makeup. She never wears makeup. I feel uneasy. Eva Marie Saint is so chill. Anjelica Huston and Goldie Hawn win Best Dressed.8:46 - Whoopi pwns The View. I vote that she usurp Barbara Walters in a bloodless coup.8:47 - Goldie Hawn is dangerously close to falling out of her dress. This is really a very nice way to honor the nominees. This way, at least the losers got commended by actual winners.8:48 - Huzzah! Penelope Cruz! Actually, if she faints, that dress would be a good landing place.8:54 - Ooh, Tina Fey! She looks terribly glam. Steve Martin is funnier here than the past two Pink Panther movies combined.8:56 - This is a cool way to show Best Original Screenplay. I hope In Bruges wins.8:58 - DAMN IT. I mean, don't get me wrong, Milk was great, and I loved it, and yay and all, but In Bruges was AMAZING.8:59 - This is another lovely speech. Political, but beautiful. So now it's OK he won.9:01 - Best Adapted Screenplay. I have to vote for Frost/Nixon, because I loved it, and because I'm pretty sure Slumdog is going to sweep.9:02 - WHO CALLED IT?! I AM THE NATE SILVER OF LAST-MINUTE PREDICTIONS.9:04 - HAHA, Jennifer Anniston has to present an award in a stupid dress, while her ex-husband sits next to Angelina Jolie IN THE FRONT ROW. SUCK IT.9:05 - Wall-E, how I love thee. Madagascar 2 has no right to even be in the same ROOM as you. SMITE IT.9:07 - How come the roaches at my apartment weren't cute like that?!9:08 - Wall-E! Is anyone surprised? Man, I should have bet money on that.9:10 - I want Oktapodi to win, because octopi are frigging ADORABLE.9:11 - Man, I suck at this.9:12 - DUDE, DOMO ARIGATO GUY ROCKS.9:16 - Perez Hilton is LiveBlogging the Oscars too. Bet he gets more hits than me.9:17 - SJP's dress reminds me of toilet paper, but all is forgiven when you're walking beside Daniel Craig.9:18 - They got dressed up, AND they wore roller skates at the phone company. Times used to be simpler. I just want Dark Knight to win everything, because seriously, WHY no Best Picture?9:19 - I really hope nobody is betting based on my predictions.9:20 - I just couldn't bring myself to see Benjamin Button. And I love David Fincher. I just... didn't have the energy to see this movie. Hm. Weird. 9:21 - Daniel Craig looks profoundly bored. Why is he presenting costume awards anyway? Put the man in a suit, and leave it alone. DON'T MESS WITH WHAT WORKS.9:22 - Eh. The Duchess. Who can argue with dresses that glamorous?9:24 - SJP's whole problem is that she is nowhere near as cute as she likes to believe.9:25 - PLEASE LET HELLBOY WIN.9:26 - GOD FUCKING DAMN IT IS THERE NO JUSTICE IN THE WORLD?!9:27 - I dislike both these people. Pattinson needs to be gone from my sphere of awareness.9:29 - Some weird choices in this 'Romance' thing. High School Musical 3? Twilight? AND WHY NO HELLBOY?! WHY DOES THE ACADEMY REFUSE TO LOVE RON PERLMAN?!9:34 - Ben Stiller, THANK YOU for mocking Joaquin Phoenix. I forgot you could act. And kudos to Natalie Portman for keeping a straight face. 9:35 - BEN STILLER HAS WANDERED OFF.9:36 I'm tired of Slumdog winning stuff.9:37 - This dude has GREAT hair. I want to pet it. Is that weird? I think that's weird.9:47 - THAT. WAS. AWESOME. Why is James Franco so hot, and not in my life?9:49 - Wait, was Seth Green nominated for an Oscar?9:51 - IMDB has just informed me that it is in fact Steph Green, and I'm an idiot.9:53 - Yes, he's singing again!9:54 - Beyonce, stop ruining my happy. STOP IT.9:55 - OK, Hugh's goodness is overwhelming my Beyonce dislike. 9:56 - DUDE.9:57 - Etta James is going to knife Beyonce in the parking lot. Who called it first? I am completely unenamoured with Zach Efron.9:59 - Hugh Jackman may actually single-handedly bring back vaudeville.10:04 - IT'S THE WALKEN! This is the only way Cuba Gooding, Jr. could get on Academy Property again.10:05 - HAHA, Alan Arkin is WASTED. If Heath Ledger doesn't win, there may be a nation-wide insurrection. And I'll be upset.10:06 - Josh Brolin's inner monologue: 'Yes, I am indeed glorious. How kind of you to notice.'10:07 - You know, it really doesn't matter what Christopher Walken says. Just float on the music of his voice.10:08 - Kevin Kline can rock a 'stache.10:09 - Yes. I'm really, really happy he won. Sean Penn is crying.10:12 - OK, so maybe I cried a little. What of it?10:21 I think I'm going to go to bed. I don't really care anymore. i just needed Heath to win. And now I'm sleepy. And have LSAt shit to finish.10:46 - Will Smith is the High Priest of tools.10:47 - Kudos to Jerry Lewis for the shortness of his speech. I appreciate that. I seriously need to go to bed.

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