Red Dwarf Quotes

There are two sets of quotes today, due to technical difficulties. You're welcome. Love the quotes.

"Love is what seperates us from animals "
"No, Lister. What seperates us from animals is that we don't use our tongues to clean our own genitals. "

"Frankenstein was the creator, not the monster. It's a common misconception, held by all truly stupid people."

"Last time I only failed by the narrowest of narrow margins."
"You what? You walked in there, wrote, 'I am a fish,' four hundred times, did a funny little dance, and fainted."

"Well, when it's not serious when your genitals can go wandering off on their own, I wonder what is?"

"What's it feel like?"
"Death? It's like being on holiday with a group of Germans."

"It's my duty, as a total and utter bastard."

"We don't run, we strike. It's the last thing they'll be expecting."
"No, the last thing they'll be expecting is for us to turn into ice-skating mongooses and dance the Bolero, and your plan makes about as much sense."

"Why don't you smegging-well smeg off, you annoying little smeggy smegging smegger!"

"Look, I think we've all got something to bring to this discussion, but I think from now on the thing you should bring is silence."

"Oxygen's for losers!"

"HIT THE WALL, GO ON, HIT THE WALL! YEAH! YEAH! WILL YOU SHUT UP RIMMER, SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP!"
"Obviously, we have professional disagreements. But, I mean, nothing with any side to it. Nothing malicious."
"SHUT UP, YA DEAD GIT!"
"Excuse me a second, Lister, will you? STOP YOUR FOUL WHINING, YOU FILTHY PIECE OF DISTENDED RECTUM!"

"We're gonna cut you up so fine the worms won't even have to chew."
"You can't frighten me! I'm a coward! I'm always scared!"

"Now this three-dimensional sculpture in particular is quite exquisite. Its simplicity, its bold, stark lines... pray, what do you call it?"
"The light switch."
"Ah, I couldn't buy it then?"
"Not really. I need it to turn the lights on and off."

"This "Master" character, and I acknowledge that I may not want to know the full answer to this one, but why does he want me oily in particular? Obviously whatever he has in mind is facilitated by my being slippery and pliant, yes?"
"He always likes his victims to be oiled. An oiled body is so much better for conducting the electricity."
"Not the best news but it could have been worse."

"I don't loathe myself. What is there one could possibly loathe about me?"
"Would you like the list sir?"
"What list?!"

"Sir, you don't have to be a great philanthropist or missionary worker, you simply have to seize the gift of life..."
"Oh, God!"
"...make a contribution..."
"Oh, God!"
"...no matter how small."
"Oh, God!"
"You simply have to have led a life that wasn't totally egocentric, vain and self-serving."
"You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?"

"You're that sure they're dead?"
"Look, there's a simple test. Hands up all of you who are alive."

"Do you know what I fancy right now?"
"A big, fat woman with thighs the size of a hippo's."

"It's like a cross between food and bowel surgery."
"It's well naughty. The trick is to eat it before the bread dissolves."

"What was that?!"
"Brace yourself for a bit of a shock, Lister, but I just saw you die!"
"What?!"
"I did warn you to brace yourself."
"You didn't give me much of a chance."
"I gave you ample bracing time!"
"No you didn't! You didn't even pause!"
"Well, I'm sorry! I've just had a rather nasty experience. I've just seen someone I know die in the most hideous, hideous way!"
"Yeah! Me!"
"You were fiddling around with the drive console and-"
"I don't wanna know!"
"You don't want to know how you die?"
"No! Of course not! Was it quick?"
"We-ell...I wouldn't say it was super fast. Not if you count the thrashing around and the agonised screaming."
"You're loving this, aren't you?"

"How old did I look?"
"How old are you now?"
"Twenty five. How old did I look?"
"Mmm... mid-twenties."
"Smeg! I'm not ready! I'm not smegging ready!"
"You did seem surprised."

"I'm goin' out like I came in, kicking and screaming!"
"You can't whack Death on the head."
"He comes anywhere near me, I'm gonna rip his nipples off!"

"Hey, this is mine. That's mine. All of this is mine. Except that bit. I don't want that bit. But all the rest of this is mine. Hey, this has been a really good day. I've eaten five times, I've slept six times, and I've made a lot of things mine. Tomorrow, I'm gonna see if I can't have sex with something."

"I used to be in the Samaritans."
"I know. For one morning."
"I couldn't take any more."
"I don't blame you. You spoke to five people, and they all committed suicide. I wouldn't mind, but one was a wrong number! He only phoned up for the cricket scores!"
"Well, it's hardly my fault that everyone chose that morning to throw themselves off buildings! Made the papers, you know. 'Lemming Sunday', they called it."

"Is it just me, or is that cockroach shuffling too loudly?"
"Kryten, it's called a hangover. Don't panic."
"On a mining ship, 3 million years into deep space, can someone explain to me where the smeg I got this traffic cone?"

"This man is not guilty of manslaughter. He's only guilty of being Arnold J. Rimmer. That is his crime. It is also his punishment."

"Well, Space Corps Directive 195 clearly states that in an emergency power situation, a holo-grammatic crew member must lay down his life in order that the living crew members might survive."
"Yes, but Rimmer Directive 271 states just as clearly, "No chance you metal bastard."

"He's defective. He wants everyone to eat toast all of the time. And if you don't want to eat something like 400 rounds of toast every HOUR, he throws a major wobbler. That's what caused the accident in the first place. "
"What accident? "
"The accident involving me, the toaster, the waste disposal and a 14 pound lump-hammer. "

"But there are fifty-three doors between here and the science room! What on Earth are we going to do?"
"Hey, I got it! We laser our way through!"
"An excellent suggestion, Sir, with just two minor drawbacks. One, we don't have a power source for the lasers, and two, we don't have any lasers."

"Maybe we should drop the defensive shields?"
"A superlative suggestion sir, with only two drawbacks: one, we don't have any defensive shields and two, we don't have any defensive shields. I know that, technically, that's only one drawback, but it was such a big one I thought I'd mention it twice"

"Look, I'm not much good at big speeches, and I know I haven't always been an easy guy to get on with, and I know, that given the choice, I wouldn't have chosen you as friends, but I just want to say, that over the years, I have come to regard you as people I met."

"Because, like all who stand before the Inquisitor, you're judge shall be... yourself."
"Oh SMEG."

"Lister, we'd be fools not to listen to him. When is he ever wrong? Alright, he may have a head shaped like an inexplicably popular fishing float but he does operate from a position of total logic and we'd be fools to ignore his sage council."
"At least let me and Mister Rimmer go in your place. We are after all merely electronic life forms and therefore expendable."
"And what the smeg would you know, bog-bot from hell?"

"It takes time, this. One slight error in any of my thirteen billion calculations and we'll be blasted to smithereens. Here we go, then: 10, 9, 8, 6, 5-"
"You missed out the seven."
"Did I? I've always had a bit of a blind spot with sevens."
"We're going to die."

"I'm gonna rip out its windpipe and beat it to death with the tonsil end."

"My answer in answering the question: 'What does the red spectrum tell us about quasars?' Write bigger. There are various words that need to be defined: what is a spectrum, what is a red one, why is it red, and why is it so frequently linked with quasars? What the hell is a quasar?"

"Emergency. Emergency. There's an emergency going on. It's still going on. It's still an emergency. This is an emergency announcement."

"Stranger things have happened."
"Only two come to mind: the spontaneous combustion of the mayor of Warsaw in 1687, and that time in 16th century Bordeaux when it rained herring."

"Don't try and explain it, Lister. I don't know why I'm even surprised. Everyone always leaves me in the end. Girls, parents... I had a pet lemming once. I loved that little lemming. I built him a little wall so he could hurl himself over it. He didn't want for anything. I'll never forget one Christmas I put my finger in his cage to give him some mince pie. He bit me! He sunk his teeth right into my fingers and wouldn't let go. In the end I had to smash his brains out against the wall. That little lemming broke my heart. The little git completely ruined my helicopter wallpaper."

"Boarding this vessel is an act of war. Ergo we surrender."

"Welcome to Xpress Lifts, descent to floor sixteen. You will be going down two thousand, five hundred and sixty-seven floors and, for a small extra charge, you can enjoy the in-lift movie 'Gone With the Wind.' If you look to your right and to your left, you will notice there are no exits. In the highly unlikely event of the lift having to make a crash-landing, death is certain. Under your seats you will find a cassette for recording your last-minute testament, and from above your head a bag will drop containing sedatives and cyanide capsules."

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Aqua Teen Hunger Force Quotes: Season 2

"You killed us! I told you not to do it and you did it… anyways."
"No, I didn't!"
"Yes, you did."
"You so frickin' did!"

"There's no text messaging. This a suck phone."

"I'm calling Japan."
"WHO THE HELL DO YOU KNOW IN JAPAN?! NOBODY!"
"Hello, Japan?"
"NO!"
"Yes, connect me to Godzilla, please."

"Whoa! What happened to your butt? It's like a little shelter down here!"

"What's up with the razor?"
"Oh, well, I shave once every couple days. It's nerve-wracking. It's supposed to be."
"Well, it's not."
"YOU SHAVE UP THERE?!"

"Shh! You hear that? That's the sound of him not being here. You can thank me for that later."

"Are you depressed? Has our interest rates got you down? My name is Meatwad, and today I'm here to offer you a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Sell your organs! LIVE! Over the internet! Get money back on your baby! That didn't sound right. Where's my sheet?"

"Oh what? You're leavin'? What are you doin' you haven't even finished urinating on all of my house yet."

"This one time I rent me a pressure washer, start this business called 'Meatwad Pressure Washing.' But then I's told, 'You got to have a license for that.' I said, 'License? Hell! I ain't even s'posed to be in this country!' And then he got all mad."

"Put back my eyes so that I might furrow my brow, und express the anger I am feeling!"

"Oh, oh wait, uh hang on. Did you see like, a little naked dude, out in the street anywhere?"
"Uh, yeah. I think he's dead."
"Oh, are you serious? Well, when he wakes up, make him drink."

"He's not a monster! Monsters are supposed to be scary with claws und angry feet!"

"We don't need a toilet. The pile of clothes in the hallway has worked fine for us for years, and it will continue to work."
"I don't know whose clothes that is, but, someone ain't wearin' that again, I tell you that."

"If I woke up looking like that, I would run towards the nearest living thing and kill it."

"Is the defendant a minor?"
"Daddy! Daddy, you're home from your business trip! And you're sober!"
"Shake..."
"Mommy moved to the city with Mommy's friend Jerry! And he tried to hit me, Daddy! Not like you do, in an extra-mean way..."

"All right, have a crappy weekend. Hope your house burns down."

"Typical! Filthy humans! You have no respect for us trees!"
"He ripped my arms off!"
"Shut up! I didn't rip them!"

"Are you that guy that keeps telling me to beware? Because I'll tell you where to be..."

"Dude, your buddy here is givin' me a rash."
"He usually doesn't drink this much"
"I out-party you!"
"Shake, will you sit down?"
"P.D., I know how to throw… down. Dude! And I almost said 'throw up', but I didn't. I hold my booze! My booze!"
"Yeah, this is beer number two for him, right?"

"Oh, yeah, I forgot. I live next to a third world hell hole."

"What else is open besides, your mouth, when you're like kissing on some gay dude and like holding his, like, muscles cause his arms are just like, wrapped around you and you feel like so safe, cause you're like, not that you're gay or nothing, but god you just want to bury yourself in his chest and just live there forever"

"Excuse m-Excuse me?! Those are weapons! They are all laser-guided, and I get CRAZY if you touch them!"

"Are you here about the termites?"
"Oh yeah, partly. I'm certainly not gonna sign for any more packages with the word 'Congo' written in blood."

"When I say your dumb name, please stand up briefly, but then quickly drop to your knees and forsake all others before me."

"Hand Banana, I want you to meet… the Enforcer."
"I want my name to be 'Spaghetti.'

"And, technically, he's supposed to be spayed, and uh, he ain't that. I know that first hand. Go ahead, ask me how I know. Go ahead. Ask me. Ask me how I know."

"Carl is gonna join us, right?"
"Yeah-huh, but he said he'd rather take his food out on the lawn, where there are witnesses."

"I added food coloring 'cause it's a holiday, but it turned black 'cause I added all the food coloring I had. And I ate this butter straight out of the tub, 'cause it tastes good. There's a reason behind everything."

"This is your left, that's your left. This is your left, that's your left! This is your right, that's your right. This is your right, you're gonna die!"

"What the?! This closet was full of TVs the last time I checked and now there's none!"
"'Cause you keep breaking them."
"'Cause you keep pissing me off so bad! You should be lucky I'm thoughtful enough to throw the anger at the media… and not your buttocks!"

"Shake, every time you break a TV, where do you think it comes from?"
"Jesus."
"No, it's Santa Claus."
"It's the same thing."
"Ain't no Santa Claus, I know. I'm Jewish… from this day forward."

"When I call your name, please say 'here' and we'll assume the word 'here' to be short for 'here I am, rock you like a hurricane.'"
"You do as The Scorpions before you!"

"Well I'll tell you what, as long as I get these muffins, I don't give a crap what he does. He's a winner in my book. In fact, I'm gonna make a couple of dogs tonight. Start a restaurant with 'em, call it 'Dogs.' I'm gonna work on that name, too, because that does not seem good to me."

"I'm sorry Carl, but I think that you need to leave. You upsettin' Hand Banana."
"Heh heh, yeah, well, you know, he 'upset' me pretty bad too. I don't know if I can sleep anymore. You ever been raped by a dog?"
"Uh uh."
"See, I think that's what Hell is like, you know. Constantly raped by dogs."
"Carl—"
"That, you know, I don't know if I believe in God, but… I think he must hate me."
"Carl—"
"Because he allowed you to create a dog that constantly rapes me."

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Leaving Las Vegas Quote

This is from the book, and I'm posting it because I think it's one of the most fucking tragic, romantic things I have ever read in my entire life. Also, because I'm boarding a plane in a few hours, and I hate flying. Really, really hate it.

"It all became clear, how much more deliberate his life was than hers, how he knew the one great trick that she couldn't do, and how she would fall in love with him every minute, every second, over and over again, for the rest of her life."
- Leaving Las Vegas

Please go read the book. It's underrated, and most people don't know the movie was even based off of a book.

OK, going to go smoke a cigarette and try to get a few hours' sleep before the howling terror of flying across the country.

Airplanes suck.

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SIx Minutes Until Christmas

Weird day. I didn't talk to a single person I wasn't related to.

Being home, in my parent's home, gives me a disjointed, detached feeling from the rest of the world. I could live and die in this house and nobody would ever know. It's scary, really.

The holidays always make me weird. I'm never sure how to feel at any moment.

Plus, reading the collected works of WILL CHRISTOPHER BAER is enough to make anyone a little loopy. Sad and beautiful and funny and diseased. Most people might not consider this appropriate holiday reading material, but it sums up my emotions pretty well.

I have this nagging, awful feeling I forgot to do something. And while I have a very clear memory of actually doing it, I can't shake this unease. It's quite annoying.

Maybe I'm just scared of flying. I need to be pretty sedated to get on a plane.

Two minutes until Christmas.

I miss my friends, and my life. The holidays are a pause. Take a breath. Then continue on with normal life. Or something.

One minute until Christmas.

May you all have a happy holiday, or a tolerable one. May my plane land safely and my paranoia abate.
- LV

PS It's Christmas. Doesn't feel any different. Remember when it was such a big deal?

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Aqua Teen Hunger Force Quotes: Season 1

"Hi, I'm Happy Time Harry... and if you've got a problem with that, we can go... right now."

"I have not called for you, Frylock. What are you doing here?"
"... I live here."

"All right! The real rainbow! I did it! I brought happiness and joy to us all!"

"Master Shake said it would dissolve me and then I would get clogged in the filter and then beavers would come and eat me. But that hadn't happened yet."

"You sicken me with your lies."

"Alright, I'm gonna give this 'rainbow' thing another five minutes, and if it don't show up quick, then I am going down to the store and getting a hot-rod magazine. 'Cause they got the chicks with the boobs in there."

"Everybody hates me 'cause they die or get hurt."

"He told me to get in the freezer cause there was a carnival in there. There wasn't no carnival! It was a damn freezer! I got freezer burn and I got bunched up against that chicken."

"Idle hands spend time at the genitals, and you know how much God hates that."

"Let's go. They don't have nothin', it's like a flea market threw up in there."
"Look, a Bananarama tape!"
"That's mine! Drop it where you are!"

"Leave your eyes open, Meatwad. I wanna horrify you into a coma."

"You and your third dimension."
"What about it?"
"Oh, nothing; it's cute. We have five."
"Th-thousand."
"Yes, five thousand."
"Don't question it!"
"Oh yeah? Well I only see two."
"Well that sounds like a personal problem."

"Fry-man, we're full of religion now. Everyone, please, bow your heads and pretend to be serious."

"Dammit he needs his brain. Otherwise he 'just gonna float around forever saying 'Do what now?'!"
"Do what now?"

"We're here to steal your pornography and sodomize our vast imaginations."

"Is that you God?"
"Frylock, get away from the pool."

"Your neighbor, Carl, was gracious enough to let us rip him off and burn his furniture for no reason."

"This here's Vanessa. I know she looks like an apple, but she's actually a full-grown woman, and she fell in love with her boyfriend, Dewy, here, and they go off into outer space and then they... they get married."

"I hate nature! Now you get me a beer and a woman! I'll give that waterbed a workout!"

"Plaque is a figment of the liberal media and the dental industry to scare you into buying useless appliances and pastes. Now, I've read the arguments on both sides, and I haven't found any evidence yet to support the need to brush your teeth. Ever."
"I don't know how you'd know; you ain't got no teeth."
"Well I got rid of my teeth at a young age, because I'm straight. Teeth are for gay people. That's why fairies come and get 'em."
"If teeth make me gay then sign me up, 'cause I wish I had 'em."

"Someone stole my PDA, and I will ruin this house with my anger!"

"This is your captain speaking and welcome to the glass-bottom boat ride at the world famous Trenton Tar Pits. I just wanna let you all know I'm a convicted sex offender."

"Computer, search for teeth and plaque conspiracy. And Metallica."

"No, Frylock. 'The Highlander' was a documentary, and its events happened in real time."

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Home Movies Quotes

Another funny show that got cancelled. Great animated series.

"I've got trademark products all over my body because I was drunk one night. Don't live like me."

"How's it going?"
"Well, I just drank pee. How's it going with you?"

"Brendon there's nothing wrong with lying to women. Or the government. Or parents. Or God."

"Uh, John McGuirk, Your Honor."
"Have I seen you in court before?"
"Yes, several times, but that's not important, sir. What's important is that my retarded nephew is innocent."
I'm NOT retarded."
"Yes you are, Brendon, now shut up."

"I love this kid. He's like a chipmunk with a disease."

"I need to refill this prescription. It's for my anxiety disorder and, uh, it's working nicely 'cause, uh... I wouldn't be able to approach you otherwise."

"All right, listen up, that was a good game. We all showed up, and I'm proud of that."

"No, Brendon, you're supposed to be resting, the doctor said it was psychosomatic. Or stress related. Or... menopausal. Something. I wasn't paying attention."

"Why is he calling you Coach McGuirk?"
"I don't know. He's probably RETARDED."

"Life sucks, Brendon. That's your lesson. Go enjoy it."

"Coach McGuirk, what's the matter? You don't look so good. Are you on another bender?"
"Where'd you learn that word, Melissa?"
"From you."
"Oh, right."

"I'm sorry, Melissa, I didn't mean to snap at you, all right? It's just that I haven't slept in four nights, all right? Then I've got you peeping in my ear about stretching."
"I'm just trying to help."
"Like every other woman in my life!"

"Coach, do you think I'm stupid?"
"Of course you're stupid, Brendon, all kids are stupid."

"Wait, Coach, a tornado is really coming?"
"Yes, that's what the radio said, 'There's a tornado coming.' So I'm going to stay down here with the baby; you guys go up stairs and play."
"Shouldn't we stay down here with you..."
"No. It's not safe for everybody to be in the same place during a tornado Melissa."
"But I thought you're suppose to go..."
"No! The rule is Melissa, you separate."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, you get sucked into the funnel and everyone's separated then it's like a fun ride. But, if you're all in a group, in a cluster, you start banging into each other and then your heads collide and you die."

"The question was 'Who wrote Hamlet?' You wrote 'The Pope's cousin, Count Pope-ula, a magical monster with pencils for arms.'"
"I'll be honest, Mr. Lynch. I made that one up."

"This sucks! I look like a magician."
"Oh, you look good."
"No, I look like a magician."
"No... you look like a waiter at a restaurant that has no child labour laws."

"Do you wanna know what a real rash is?"
"No."
"I'll tell you. You get a rash somewhere on your body. It hurts so bad that you go blind. That's how bad it is. You blow up like a balloon, you look like a circus freak, you know what I'm talking about?"
"No."
"Next thing you know, you're in the circus, touring, making good money."
"Wow."
"You know my life."

"Rashes come from bad hygiene, all right? So what you've gotta do, whenever you go to a public restroom, and you sit on a toilet seat, put the toilet seat cover down. And if they don't have them there, manufacture one out of toilet paper, or your shirt, or your socks. Anything to cover the seat."

"Per day, I would say I hate far more than I feel like I like something. I like my western omelet, but while I'm eating that there's about 17 other things that I hate, like my apartment, my breath, whatever's on the TV, whatever's in the paper. Then I walk outside and it'll be a nice day. Well that's great that's a good feeling for a split second and then I realize I hate my neighborhood, because I... you apparently can't play music after 6:00 pm... in this country."

"So I said to her 'You want it clean? HUH? You want it CLEAN? YOU CLEAN IT! CLEAN IT YOURSELF! CLEAN IT YOURSELF!' ...and I haven't spoken to my mother since."

"Let's watch TV."
"Very funny. No TV, Mom says."
"What?"
"6:30, boys. Time for bed."
"What?"
"Come on, Bren-Bren, let's do something with our hair."
"WHAT?"
"Get your pajamas on, boys."
"WHAT?!"

In other news, I am still in the post-orgasmic glow of having seen SWEENEY TODD. A real review will come, eventually, but for now I'm still in a daze from it.

Had a very upsetting night afterwards, which was appropriate, considering my evening's viewing.

May you go see SWEENEY TODD. Right now. Seriously, get the fuck up and go see it. I'm not kidding.
- LV

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I Intended On Being Asleep Over An Hour Ago

Is anyone else as insanely excited about SWEENEY TODD as I am? I bought the soundtrack, and mother of fuck, it's really good. Johnny Depp has a surprisingly good voice [not like Ewan McGregor in MOULIN ROUGE! quality, but still perfect, and quite sexy], although I'm quite biased, since I worship Depp and Tim Burton. TIM BURTON IS GOD! GOD, DO YOU HEAR ME?!

It is weird to hear Alan Rickman sing. I mean he's good, but still - Snape is singing. Ponder that.

Helena Bonham Carter is just OK, but she grows on you. And Sacha Baron Cohen makes me want to have his sleazy babies.

If the movie isn't good, I'm going to go on a Sweeney-style killing spree. For real. It will be terrifying.

I'm going home tomorrow. That's all.

Anyone else excited about Sweeney? I'm preordering my tickets and everything, fuckers.

May SWEENEY TODD be all that it should be.
- LV

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Will Christopher Baer Quotes

He is one of my favorite authors. He writes brilliant, beautiful, heartbreaking, fucked up books. You should go read them. Especially if you like Chuck Palahniuk (he's better.) These are quotes from some of his books. And if you're wondering about the plethora of quotes, my insomnia prevents me from writing anything remotely coherent.

"In another lifetime I would gladly drink your bath-water. But Crumb advised me not to touch you, which reminds me. How old are you?"
"Today is my birthday. I'm nineteen and I pee in my bathwater."

"I’m getting cozy with the idea that time is circular, that time lost will come back."

"The Blister laughs, looking at me. 'I read the incident reports. You lost it on the firing range and started shooting at imaginary people. You took an ounce of crystal meth from an informant and later spooned it into your coffee. You locked yourself in the cage with a female prisoner and allowered her to urinate on you.'"

"I am a suicidal romantic, or I was at that moment. I wanted to tell her it’s never real."

"I close my eyes and wait for Stephen Dedalus to come sit down beside me. I have saved no one but myself and now I watch for the other universe to unravel in my skull, for the sky to become my own skin and fill with stars."

"Lets go fishing for bananafish."

"And sometimes I think my heart will give out on me. Everything tastes strange and there’s a faraway muffled thumping in my ears and I keep looking at the sky, thinking its thunder. There’s a storm coming. But it’s not thunder. It’s my own stupid blood hammering away and I’m just having a panic attack."

"I must be dead for there is nothing but blue snow and the furious silence of a gunshot."

"...I am fast coming to the conclusion that, like cab drivers who secretly want to be writers, lawyers who want to be filmmakers are often dangerous assholes."

"And my life went to pieces, like a love letter in the rain."

"I have saved no one but myself and now I watch for the other universe to unravel in my skull, for the sky ot become my own skin and fill with stars."

"He has the expression of someone who wishes the rain would stop."

"The image stored in my head suffers rapid decay and within hours I will be unable to describe the sunset I have just witnessed without accessing the false but technically perfect sunsets that I have seen on a thousand television and computer screens. I have no personal memories that are untainted by media and marketing and I often suspect that I am dead but still functioning."

"The only bag of poison is my heart."

"The two of them should write greeting cards. Then the other psychopaths would have something nice to send to their mother's on holidays."

"A friend is like anything else. A dog, a plant. You ignore them and they tend to die on you."

"These were the first indicators that a seizure was on the way and soon the air would commence to accelerate and pulse, like a bird was attacking me. I would suffer the imaginary rush of wings furious around my head, and I wasn't in the mood for it".

"Of course I didn’t believe him. He’s too smooth, too frightening. He’s like a stockbroker with a meat cleaver in his briefcase."

"My wife used to say I was a terrible liar, that it was the only time I smiled. But she was wrong; I smiled when I was telling the truth."

"Sorrow is like the ocean and sometimes I wish my heart would stop."

"Anything you can imagine is probably true, and the worst you can imagine is probably worth money."

"Sometimes there is nothing so horrible as a familiar face"

"Every time I close my eyes I'm dreaming"

"You motherfucker. What kind of communist drinks mochas with whipped cream?"

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This Just In

The roach army has signed a treaty with the Mouse Armada, and they are both attacking me.

Fate is a cruel, cruel bitch.

Update later.

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Hunter S. Thompson Quotes

The words of the Good Doctor, and my hero.

"I feel the same way about disco as I do about herpes."

"No More Games. No More Bombs. No More Walking. No More Fun. No More Swimming. 67. That is 17 years past 50. 17 more than I needed or wanted. Boring. I am always bitchy. No Fun — for anybody. 67. You are getting Greedy. Act your old age. Relax — This won't hurt."

"The last train out of any station will not be full of nice guys."

"Politics is the art of controlling your environment. That is one of the key things I learned in these years, and I learned it the hard way. Anybody who thinks that 'it doesn't matter who's President' has never been Drafted and sent off to fight and die in a vicious, stupid War on the other side of the World — or been beaten and gassed by Police for trespassing on public property — or been hounded by the IRS for purely political reasons — or locked up in the Cook County Jail with a broken nose and no phone access and twelve perverts wanting to stomp your ass in the shower. That is when it matters who is President or Governor or Police Chief. That is when you will wish you had voted."

"Walk tall, kick ass, learn to speak Arabic, love music and never forget you come from a long line of truth seekers, lovers and warriors."

"That was always the difference between Muhammad Ali and the rest of us. He came, he saw, and if he didn't entirely conquer — he came as close as anybody we are likely to see in the lifetime of this doomed generation."

"It is all well and good for children and acid freaks to still believe in Santa Claus — but it is still a profoundly morbid day for us working professionals. It is unsettling to know that one out of every twenty people you meet on Xmas will be dead this time next year... Some people can accept this, and some can't. That is why God made whiskey, and also why Wild Turkey comes in $300 shaped canisters during most of the Christmas season."

"If you're going to be crazy, you have to get paid for it or else you're going to be locked up."

"Goddammit. Yeah, I have. First, there's a huge difference between being arrested and being guilty. Second, see, the law changes and I don't. How I stand vis-à-vis the law at any given moment depends on the law. The law can change from state to state, from nation to nation, from city to city. I guess I have to go by a higher law. How's that? Yeah, I consider myself a road man for the lords of karma."

"Jesus man! you dont look for acid! acid finds you when IT thinks you're ready"

"Satan's Slaves, number three in the outlaw hierarchy, custom-bike specialists with a taste for the flesh of young dogs, flashy headbands and tender young blondes with lobotomy eyes."

"It's a strange world. Some people get rich and others eat shit and die."

"There is nothing so unusual, they tell me, about coming back to your car and finding the radio aerial torn off, the windshield wipers bent up in the air like spaghetti, and all the windows smashed... for no particular reason except to make sure you know just exactly where it's at these days. Where indeed?"

"Paranoia is just another word for ignorance."

"But with the throttle screwed on, there is only the barest margin, and no room at all for mistakes. It has to be done right... and that's when the strange music starts, when you stretch your luck so far that fear becomes exhilaration and vibrates along your arms. You can barely see at a hundred; the tears blow back so fast that they vaporize before they get to your ears. The only sounds are the wind and a dull roar floating back from the mufflers. You watch the white line and try to lean with it... howling through a turn to the right, then to the left, and down the long hill to Pacifica... letting off now, watching for cops, but only until the next dark stretch and another few seconds on the edge... The Edge... There is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over. The others- the living- are those who pushed their luck as far as they felt they could handle it, and then pulled back, or slowed down, or did whatever they had to when it came time to choose between Now and Later. But the edge is still Out there. Or maybe it's In. The association of motorcycles with LSD is no accident of publicity. They are both a means to an end, to the place of definitions."

"I shit on the chest of Fun."

"Tiny hurts people. When he loses his temper he goes completely out of control and his huge body becomes a lethal weapon. It is difficult to see what role he might play in the Great Society."

"Bill Clinton does not inhale marijuana, right? You bet. Like I chew on LSD but I don't swallow it."

"But wow! This goofy child president we have on our hands now. He is demonstrably a fool and a failure, and this is only the summer of '03. The American nation is in the worst condition I can remember in my lifetime, and our prospects for the immediate future are even worse. . . The Bush family must be very proud of themselves today, but I am not. Big Darkness, soon come. Take my word for it."

"I have never been able to properly explain myself in this climate."

"Breakfast is the only meal of the day that I tend to view with the same kind of traditionalized reverence that most people associate with Lunch and Dinner. I like to eat breakfast alone, and almost never before noon; anybody with a terminally jangled lifestyle needs at least one psychic anchor every twenty-four hours, and mine is breakfast. In Hong Kong, Dallas or at home — and regardless of whether or not I have been to bed — breakfast is a personal ritual that can only be properly observed alone, and in a spirit of genuine excess. The food factor should always be massive: four Bloody Marys, two grapefruits, a pot of coffee, Rangoon crepes, a half-pound of either sausage, bacon, or corned beef hash with diced chiles, a Spanish omelette or eggs Benedict, a quart of milk, a chopped lemon for random seasoning, and something like a slice of Key lime pie, two margaritas, and six lines of the best cocaine for dessert…. Right, and there should also be two or three newspapers, all mail and messages, a telephone, a notebook for planning the next twenty-four hours and at least one source of good music…. All of which should be dealt with outside, in the warmth of a hot sun, and preferably stone naked."

"A word to the wise is infuriating."

"Jesus! How much more of this cheap-jack bullshit can we be expected to take from that stupid little gunsel? Who gives a fuck if he's lonely and depressed down there in San Clemente? If there were any such thing as true justice in this world, his rancid carcass would be somewhere down around Easter Island right now, in the belly of a hammerhead shark."

"Going to trial with a lawyer who considers your whole life-style a Crime in Progress is not a happy prospect."

"Richard Nixon has never been one of my favorite people anyway. For years I've regarded his existence as a monument to all the rancid genes and broken chromosomes that corrupt the possibilities of the American Dream; he was a foul caricature of himself, a man with no soul, no inner convictions, with the integrity of a hyena and the style of a poison toad. The Nixon I remembered was absolutely humorless; I couldn't imagine him laughing at anything except maybe a paraplegic who wanted to vote Democratic but couldn't quite reach the lever on the voting machine."

"Good people drink good beer."

"The 2004 presidential election will be a matter of life or death for the whole nation. We are sick today, and we will be even sicker tomorrow if this wretched half-bright swine of a president gets re-elected in November."

"When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro."

"Objective journalism is one of the main reasons American politics has been allowed to be so corrupt for so long. You can't be objective about Nixon."

"I have a theory that the truth is never told during the nine-to-five hours."

"For myself, I would much prefer to be stuck with Kentucky in the NCAA Tournament, than stuck with George Bush in the White House. It is the difference between losing your wallet at a cock fight and losing all your credit cards forever, along with your job and your house and your ability to earn enough money to pay off your sports-gambling debts or even a six-pack on game day."

"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me."

"Is it possible that he has already abandoned all hope of getting re-elected? Or does he plan to cancel the Election altogether by declaring a national military emergency with terrorists closing in from all sides, leaving him with no choice but to launch a huge bomb immediately? ... Desperate men do desperate things, and stupid men do stupid things. We are in for a desperately stupid summer."

"Some may never live, but the crazy never die."

"I have never had much faith in our embattled child President's decision-making powers... I know that is not what you want to hear/read at this time, especially if you happen to be serving in the doomsday mess that is currently the U.S. Army."

"Pray to God, but row away from the rocks."

"Why are we seeing George Bush on TV every two hours for nine or ten days at a time, like some kind of mutated Mr. Rogers clone? Something is dangerously wrong in any country where a monumentally-failed backwoods politician can scare our national TV networks so totally that they will give him anything he wants."

"We are like pygmies lost in a maze of haze. We are not at war, we are having a nervous breakdown, again."

"Rip up the streets?"
"With jackhammers."
"With JACKHAMMERS?"

"I understand that fear is my friend, but not always. Never turn your back on fear. It should always be in front of you, like a thing that might have to be killed."

"We have become a Nazi monster in the eyes of the whole world, a nation of bullies and bastards who would rather kill than live peacefully. We are not just Whores for power and oil, but killer whores with hate and fear in our hearts. We are human scum, and that is how history will judge us. No redeeming social value. Just whores. Get out of our way, or we'll kill you. Who does vote for these dishonest shitheads? Who among us can be happy and proud of having all this innocent blood on our hands? Who are these swine? These flag-sucking half-wits who get fleeced and fooled by stupid little rich kids like George Bush? They are the same ones who wanted to have Muhammad Ali locked up for refusing to kill gooks. They speak for all that is cruel and stupid and vicious in the American character. They are the racists and hate mongers among us; they are the Ku Klux Klan. I piss down the throats of these Nazis. And I am too old to worry about whether they like it or not. Fuck them."

"It was wonderful, a stunning happy ending to what began as just another tragic rock & roll story, as if Bob Dylan had been arrested in Miami for jacking off in a seedy little XXX theater while stroking the spine of a fat young boy."

"There was one exact moment, in fact, when I knew for sure that Al Gore would never be President of the United States, no matter what the experts were saying — and that was when the whole Bush family suddenly appeared on TV and openly scoffed at the idea of Gore winning Florida. It was Nonsense, said the Candidate, Utter nonsense. . . Anybody who believed Bush had lost Florida was a Fool. The Media, all of them, were Liars & Dunces or treacherous whores trying to sabotage his victory. . . Here was the whole bloody Family laughing & hooting & sneering at the dumbness of the whole world on National TV. The old man was the real tip-off. The leer on his face was almost frightening. It was like looking into the eyes of a tall hyena with a living sheep in its mouth. The sheep's fate was sealed, and so was Al Gore's."

"The towers are gone now, reduced to bloody rubble, along with all hopes for Peace in Our Time, in the United States or any other country. Make no mistake about it: We are At War now — with somebody — and we will stay At War with that mysterious Enemy for the rest of our lives."

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Ctrl + Alt + Del Quotes

These come from one of my all-time favorite webcomics, which can be read here.

"If you need me, I'll be on the roof, learning how to fly."

"Spent your paycheck on video games again?"
"Naturally! Brand food and clothes are totally boring uses for my hard earned money."

"Ahem, excuse me. I need to know: Will Halo play on my PS2?"
"I'm sorry, I don't speak stupid and our translator called out sick today."
"Wait, what do you..."
"Surely they must have video game stores in the great land of Stupidia, where you'll be able to purchase and be ignorant of all manner of games in accordance with your society's customs."
"Ok, I wanna speak with your manager!"
"I do not understand your strange language and I can only interpret your raised voice and displayed teeth as a sign of agression."

"Have you paused to contemplate the irony here? You're going to waste all this time to build a machine in an attempt to stop time, because you complain about not having enough time to play games... when you could have just been using all of this time to play the games in the first place. Do you even know how to contemplate irony?"
"Ironing makes clothes... flat?"

"Where is a guy supposed to find the time? How could any mortal deal with it?"
"Perhaps by coming to the realization that you don't have to play them all when they come out, and can put some games on the shelf for a while?"
"No... I must find a way to freeze time itself!"
"Yeah, I was WAY off. Go figure."

"I am a giant tomato filled with love. I have come to sell you a house made out of pancakes."
"And a garage made from the souls of little children?"
"…Yes."

"Thank you... for bludgeoning my best friend... with a cinder block..."

"I didn't touch it! It just caught on fire! I swear!"

"To arms! To arms! The Pants Squirrels are amassing an army! Defend your rightful king!"

"Are you frozen to the sidewalk, Ethan?"
"Fuck yes."

"Well spent, heathen! Guards!"
"What guards, you freakity freak-freak?!"

"Are you sure it's healthy to stare at the computer screen like that?"
"Are my eyes bleeding?"
"No."
"Am I drowning in my own drool?"
"No."
"I'll be fine."

"Hey look! Kids playing in the snow! Let's pack rocks into snowballs and see how many we can send to the hospital!"
"I'm amazed that you haven't been locked up yet."

"I had a dream that the toaster grew legs and came after me... and it made me into toast..."

"Uh... yeah. About that. The grocery money kind of... turned into video games... uh.. magically."

"You know what, Ted? Screw you. Screw you all to hell."

"I think my face is FROZEN in happiness."

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Watchmen Quotes

Warning, per usual: Possible spoilers, go out and buy the damn comic, it will make your silly little life much better.

"Waiting for a flash of enlightment in all this blood and thunder."

"Away down alley, heard woman scream, first bubbling note of city's evening chorus. Approached disturbance. Attempted rape/mugging/both. Cleared throat. The man turned and there was something rewarding in his eyes. Sometimes, the night is generous to me."

"For my own part, regret nothing. Have lived life, free from compromise… and step into the shadow now without complaint."

"Heard joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says 'Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up.' Man bursts into tears. Says 'But Doctor... I am Pagliacci.'"

"I shall go and tell the indestructible man that someone plans to murder him."

"Paid last respects quietly, without fuss. Edward Morgan Blake. Born 1924, forty-five years a Comedian, died 1985, buried in the rain. Is that what happens to us? A life of conflict with no time for friends… so that when it's done, only our enemies leave roses."

"There is good and there is evil, and evil must be punished. Even in the face of Armageddon I shall not compromise in this."

"On Friday night, a Comedian died in New York. Someone threw him out of a window and when he hit the sidewalk his head was driven up into his stomach. Nobody cares. Nobody cares but me."

"This city is dying of rabies. Is the best I can do to wipe random flecks of foam from its lips?"

"Beneath me, this awful city, it screams like an abattoir full of retarded children. New York. Somebody knows why. Down there... somebody knows. The dusk reeks of fornication and bad consciences. I believe I shall take my exercise."

"No, I don't mind being the smartest man in the world. I just wish it wasn't this one."

"I did the right thing, didn't I? It all worked out in the end."
"'In the end'? Nothing ends, Adrian. Nothing EVER ends."

"This world's smartest man means no more to me than does its smartest termite."

"Rorschach...? Rorschach, wait! Where are you going? This is too big to be hard-assed about! We have to compromise!"
"No. Not even in the face of Armageddon. NEVER COMPROMISE."

"Don't worry. Won't insult legendary underworld solidarity by suggesting you surrender name without torture."

"You lousy little Bastard! I'll tear your goddamned heart out! You're dead, you unnerstand? Dead! We got a jail full of guys out here who hate your guts. What in hell do you got?"
[Grabbing his arms] "Your hands. My Perspective."

"Give me smallest finger on man's hand. I'll produce information. Computer unnecessary."

"I looked at the Rorschach blot. I tried to pretend it looked like a spreading tree, shadows pooled beneath it, but it didn’t. It looked more like a dead cat I once found, the fat, glistening grubs writhing blindly, squirming over each other, frantically tunneling away from the light. But even that is avoiding the real horror. The horror is this: In the end, it is simply a picture of empty meaningless blackness. We are alone. There is nothing else."

"There. Did what had to be done. Can leave now."

"Stood in firelight, sweltering. Bloodstain on chest like map of violent new continent. Felt cleansed. Felt dark planet turn under my feet and knew what cats know that makes them scream like babies in night.
Looked at sky through smoke heavy with human fat and God was not there. The cold, suffocating dark goes on forever and we are alone. Live our lives, lacking anything better to do. Devise reason later. Born from oblivion; bear children, hell-bound as ourselves, go into oblivion. There is nothing else.
Existence is random. Has no pattern save what we imagine after staring at it for too long. No meaning save what we choose to impose. This rudderless world is not shaped by vague metaphysical forces. It is not God who kills the children. Not fate that butchers them or destiny that feeds them to the dogs. It’s us. Only us. Streets stank of fire. The void breathed hard on my heart, turning its illusions to ice, shattering them. Was reborn then, free to scrawl own design on this morally blank world. Was Rorschach. Does that answer your Questions, Doctor?"

"It was Kovacs who said 'Mother' then, muffled under latex. It was Kovacs who closed his eyes. It was Rorschach who opened them again."

"Hey, you remember that guy? The one who pretended to be a supervillain so he could get beaten up?"
"Oh, You mean Captain Carnage. Ha ha ha! He was one for the books."
"You're telling me! I remember, I caught him coming out of this jeweller's. I didn't know what his racket was. I start hitting him and I think 'Jeez! He's breathing funny! Does he have asthma?'"
"Ha Ha Ha. He tried that with me, only I'd heard about him, so I just walked away. He follows me down the street… broad daylight, right? He's saying 'PUNISH me!' I'm saying 'No! Get lost!'"
"Ha Ha Ha. What ever happened to him?"
"Well, he pulled it on Rorschach, and Rorschach dropped him down an elevator shaft."

"You keep calling me Walter. I don't like you."

"Hello, Rorsach. How are you today?"
"In prison. Yourself?"

"Maybe this was a political killing?"
"Maybe. Or maybe someone's picking off costumed heroes."
"Um. Don't you think that's maybe a little paranoid?"
"That's what they're saying about me now? That I'm paranoid?"

"A live body and a dead body contain the same number of particles. Structurally, there's no discernible difference. Life and death are unquantifiable abstracts. Why should I be concerned?"

"Ruh. Ror. Ror. Rorschach! Har Har How are ya doin', fella?"
"I'm fine, Happy Harry. Yourself?"
"Fine! I'm fuh, I'm fine! And I'm, and I'm, and I'm glad you're fine too! And uh, and uh... Oh God. Please don't kill anybody."

"Used to come here often, back when we were partners."
"Oh. Uh, yeah... yeah, those were great times, Rorschach. Great times. Whatever happened to them?"
"You quit."

"As they dragged him away, Kovacs spoke to the other inmates. He said 'None of you understand. I'm not locked up in here with you. YOU'RE locked up in here with ME'."

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The Skittering Of Roaches Will Haunt Me Forever

Saw my first roach in months (well, weeks) last night. Caught it with the infamous blue Roach Cup, flushed it, sprayed roach killer, and this morning I used this roach-killing caulk on a few places where the regular caulk has come away from the walls.

Just felt like sharing. Going to take a shower, get coffee, and buy HARRY POTTER & THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX before work starts. Huzzah for geeky obsessions! I haven't seen this movie; I only recently fell off the 'indifferent to HARRY' wagon and cracked my skull open.

Anyway. Going to post WATCHMEN comic quotes now, because they are poetry, and I have a crush on Rorschach. Don't judge me, I'm funny.

May K-Mart have caulk and my DVD, or I'm gonna light the fucker up and burn it down.
- LV

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Transmetropolitan Quotes

Warning: If your brain explodes and your eyeballs bleed from reading these, it's not my fault. Airtight logic.

"You want to go out to dinner sometime?"
"Sorry, no. I'm married, not hungry, infected with seven unknown diseases, gay, pregnant with lizards and clinically dead."
"'Sorry, no' would have done all on it's own, you know."
"Just making sure."

"I'm giving up the memory of a truly legendary bowel movement for you. I had to kill it with a shovel, you know."

"Journalism is just a gun. It's only got one bullet in it, but if you aim right, that's all you need. Aim it right, and you can blow a kneecap off the world..."

"I don't have to put up with this shabby crap! I'm a journalist!"

"I was having a mildly paranoid day, mostly due to the fact that the mad priest lady from over the river had taken to nailing weasels to my front door again."

"I am so incredibly bored that I will buy a pair of your ridiculous shoes. Look GRATEFUL."

"There's one hole in every revolution, large or small. And it's one word long.. people. No matter how big the idea they all stand under, people are small and weak and cheap and frightened. It's people that kill every revolution."

"If you loved me, you'd all kill yourselves today."

"CPD are still trying to talk TV cook Della Kent off the roof of the Amitri building after the columnist's savage critique of her grasp of New Zealand cuisine."

"Do not offend the Chair Leg of Truth; it is wise and terrible."

"I mean, why develop intergalactic travel technology just to stick a prong up your rectum? There are other ways of making 'contact,' aren't there?"

"This morning I found a lump in my left testicle that sings 'Twinkle twinkle little star' over and over.."

"You want to know about voting. I'm here to tell you about voting. Imagine you're locked in a huge underground night-club filled with sinners, whores, freaks and unnameable things that rape pitbulls for fun. And you ain't allowed out until you all vote on what you're going to do tonight. You like to put your feet up and watch 'Republican Party Reservation.' They like to have sex with normal people using knives, guns, and brand new sexual organs you did not even know existed. So you vote for television, and everyone else, as far as your eye can see, votes to fuck you with switchblades. That's voting. You're welcome."

"When asked about the column by our correspondent, Jerusalem Laughed, shat in the camera and threw dog carcasses to an admiring audience."

"Your cat has once again urinated out of bounds and has received educational electric shock to the offending organ as per your instructions."

"Mind walking through here, sir?"
"What if I say yes?"
"Then we shoot you with a taser and have your internal cavities searched by surgeons. Sometimes they're all fucked up on crack when they do the searches."

"My job is to keep the majority of people in this country alive. That's it. If fifty-one percent eat a meal tomorrow and forty-nine percent don't, I've done my job."

"Your first deadline's tomorrow. I want to see eight thousand words. Printable words. I still remember that essay you wrote when the Beast got elected. I do not want to see the word 'fuck' typed eight thousand times again."

"You're dangerous with a phone. Remember what you did when you were alone with a phone in Prague? Remember how many people died?"

"No! Fucking no! I don't want to be famous again! You miserable toad-screwing shit-sucking father-raping..."
"Hey. Get some perspective. I've just made you thousands of dollars, Spider."
"Grandmother's corpse-fucking ass-tick-infested-monkey-come-drinking - How many thousands?

"The boy's weird, Channon. You should trade him in. Or sell him for salvage."
"Yeah, right. Take advice on relationships from a man whose ex-wife won't come out of cryonic freeze until he's dead..."
"Who told you that?"
"You did."
PAUSE
"Silence. I am watching television."

"So this Zealot comes to my door, all glazed eyes and clean reproductive organs, asking me if I ever think about God. So I tell him I killed God. I tracked God down like a rabid dog, hacked off his legs with a hedge trimmer, raped him with a corncob, and boiled off his corpse in an acid bath. So he pulls an alternating-current taser on me and tells me that only the Official Serbian Church of Tesla can save my polyphase intrinsic electric field, known to non-engineers as 'the soul.' So I hit him. What would you do?"

"I've discounted suicide in favor of killing everyone else in the world instead."

"I'm sticky, Yelena. That means something-"
"NOTHING HAPPENED. NOTHING AT ALL."
"Something happened to make me sticky, Yelena. Either I was raped by a jar of clear honey or -"
"NOTHING."

"Hi. I'm Spider Jerusalem. I smoke. I take drugs. I drink. I wash every six weeks. I masturbate constantly and fling my steaming poison semen down from my window into your hair and food. I'm a rich and respected columnist for a major metropolitan newspaper. I live with two beautiful women in the city's most expensive and select community. Being a bastard WORKS."

"Silence, vermin! I am in command here! Who did you vote for, vermin woman? Did you vote? Can you read? Have you got thumbs? SHOW ME YOUR FUCKING THUMBS!

"I have had a vision. It has been revealed to me by the secret chiefs of the world that I am sexier than Buddha and harder than Jesus. I cannot die."

"Waiter! I'll have another bottle of Chilean Merlot, the raspberry pavlova, ten minutes of oral sex, and an ambulance, please."

"Right. When I say 'Run like fuck and commit assault on a police officer several times,' run like fuck and commit assault on a police officer several times."

"No family. No girlfriend. No friends. No love. No hope. No point. And Santa Claus is DEAD! I KILLED HIM! I KILLED HIM WITH THIS! [Grabs crotch] And I left his stinking corpse in an underground cavern where it is raped by hundreds of toxic-effluent-crazed gila monsters every second of every DAY!"
"Six thousand traumatized children taken to hospital after Jerusalem interview - TV station claims force majeure - Jerusalem's editor still unavailable for comment..."

"Yesterday, here in the middle of the City, I saw a wolf turn into a Russian ex-gymnast and hand over a business card that read YOUR OWN PERSONAL TRANSHUMAN SECURITY WHORE! STERILIZED INNARDS! ACCEPTS ALL CREDIT CARDS to a large man who wore trained attack cancers on his face and possessed seventy-five indentured Komodo Dragons instead of legs. And they had sex. Right in front of me. And six of the Komodo Dragons spat napalm on my new shoes."

"So why do I have to put up with this shabby crap on my front doorstep? Now my beautiful new apartment stinks of wet fur and burning dragon spit, and I think one of the cancers mated with the doormat. It keeps cursing at me in a thick Mexican accent. I may have to have it shot."

"He was locked up for breaking into old people's homes and performing exorcisms on the inmates. Which is funny, because I know for a fact that his therapist recommended that as an alternative to digging up dead people and fucking their bones."

"Royce. Your challenge was ignorant and filthy, but I accept it anyway, on condition that I get a raise, and an expense account for weaponry and the use of your wife."

"Bullshit. I've been hit harder than that before. I've had people from Scotland thrown at me before, for Christ's sake."

"And someone seems to have stolen the world. I always knew that would happen. That'll teach them to not listen to me. I tried to tell them OHHH NO. Of course, I was naked at the time. Which obviously distracted them. In the church."

"I can hear Radio Free Europe in my head bones. I have many headbones."

"Did you ever want to set someone's head on fire, just to see what it looked like? Did you ever stand in the street and think to yourself, I could make that nun go blind just by giving her a kiss? Did you ever lay out plans for stitching babies and stray cats into a Perfect New Human? Did you ever stand naked surrounded by people who want your gleaming sperm, squirting frankincense, soma, and testosterone from every pore? If so, then you're the bastard who stole my drugs Friday night. And I'll find you. Oh, yes."

"Spider Jerusalem: more famous than Jesus, better-dressed than Santa Claus, wouldn't be seen dead on a cross and has never been caught up a chimney. So I deserve your money more."

"Who was Hitler?"
"Rock star. He was in Led Zeppelin. Fucked goats and wrote the old national anthem. Blew up Auckland in the Blitz."

"I think he's going to try and get someone to read the tattoo on his penis again. He's convinced it reads READ MY SCRIPTURE: I WILL NEVER ABANDON THE CITY I LOVE but everyone forced to see it claims that it says RAT, and even then only if you squat and give the wrinkle the benefit of the doubt."

"The chair leg of truth does not lie!"

"SPKF Newsfeed hacked by activists, replaced by footage of six female English terrorists being raped and killed in Dublin - 85% of audience notice no difference from usual SPKF feed."

"No one touch that dog! I'm having that for my fucking dinner!"

"Pollsters are reporting record low turnout this election day, with yet more people bemoaning the continued necessity to actually physically drag your fucking carcass to a polling station to vote."

"Have gone to commit suicide. Intend to return from grave Friday. Feed cat."

"...An unsettling moment at the presidential inauguration when the new president appeared to speak in tongues for a full minute; 'Just a cough,' says advisor Schact..."

"Sometimes, I can do nothing but stand in constant winter, trying to remember what life is like without all of you."

"That's what a monoculture is. It's everywhere, and it's all the same. And it takes up alien cultures and digests them and shits them out in a homogenous building-block shape that fits seamlessly into the vast blank wall of the monoculture. This is the future. This is what we built. This is what we wanted. It must have been. Because we all had the fucking choice, didn't we? It is only our money that allows commercial culture to flower. If we didn't want to live like this, we could have changed it any time, by not fucking paying for it. So lets celebrate by all going out and buying the same burger."

"I want to eat a swan. Is that wrong of me? I can't find anyone who'll sell me a swanburger."

"My grandfather had died, and my mother was trying to explain it to me... Grandpa isn't coming back? No, she said. Not ever again... And I remember saying, hold everything right fucking there. You went to all the trouble of conceiving me, and giving birth to me, and raising me and clothing me and all... and you make me cry and things hurt so much and disappointments crush my heart every day and I can't do half the things I want to and sometimes I just want to scream - and what I've got to look forward to is my body breaking and something flipping off the switch in my head - I go through all this, and then there's death? What is the motherfucking deal here? I wasn't having this. This was not fair."

"Spider, you look like someone nailed a bat to your throat."

I love me some quotes. This will become a regular thing. To quote Spider Jerusalem, "You're welcome."
- LV

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Staring At The Ceiling Loses Its Appeal In The Second Hour

Although my dear friend Esse recently posted a brilliantly funny entry on the trials and tribulations of an insomniac, I'd like to offer my own humble musings on a topic currently dear to my heart.

I have been lying in bed for nigh on two hours, doing all the things you're supposed to do to fall asleep. And yet I am awake. What is more, I feel exhausted, yet more awake than I did all day.

I don't know how it is for other people, but it almost always takes me at least an hour to fall asleep. This isn't helped by the fact that I simply cannot sleep without my TV on [muted, but still flickering obnoxiously], because for some reason I have decided that if the TV is on, roaches will not bother me. This theory has been proved false several times, but I simply don't feel safe going to sleep on the dark.

My mind wanders in weird and disturbing circles at this hour. I worry about everything: my date on Wednesday, past dates, things I can't remember but probably should, sending text messages, rent, the fact that my bedside clock is still an hour fast because it seems like too much work to change it, my messy apartment, going to the gym, my friends, what I had for dinner, my bank balance, how many cigarettes I have left, work and so on.

Then I begin to ponder Deep Questions, with an intensity that implies I must make come up with an answer immediately: should I go to graduate school? What do I want to do with my life? Do I want to have children? Do I want to have a relationship? Should I chuck everything, move to England, and try my luck in another time zone? Should I move? Should I stay? Should I follow my instincts, which usually lead me horribly wrong, or be perpetually uncomfortable but doing what is considered 'right' by myself as well as others? Do I watch the news enough to make an informed opinion, or are all my reactions knee-jerk? Trust me, at 3 AM, these questions seem immensely important.

Note: If you have any answers to any of the above questions, please post me a reply. Like, now. I need to get some fucking sleep.

I'm not tired enough to sleep, but I'm too tired to read, put on a movie, or smoke a cigarette. This is exhausting me. My thumb is asleep, but not my brain. That's just cruel and twisted.

Forgive me a moment of pure angst, but, to quote the deity-like Warren Ellis' orgasmic TRANSMETROPOLITAN, "Sometimes I want to be someone else so much it hurts." That's my angsty moment for the day.

FYI, I just spen nearly forty minutes looking for that quote, because I didn't want to paraphrase it. I think that really sums up my personality.

I'm going to go look up more Spider Jerusalem quotes now. TRANSMETROPOLITAN is a wallbanging bastard sent from heaven to skullfuck the sense back into us. Or something.
- LV

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I Am A Cranky Little Monkey

I've just been feeling crappy and cranky all weekend, which was not a lot of fun for my long-suffering friends. They were very understanding of my inexplicable shittiness, despite the fact that I wanted to punch myself more than once. Oh well, I'll blame it on the weather. Damn global warming!

* CRACKER: Such a good show. British crime shows kick American crime shows in their tiny little nuts. But it's a liitle weird for me to see Robbie Coltrane curse, smoke, drink, and fuck. I mean, he's Hagrid from HARRY POTTER. He is the epitome of good-natured innocence. He's also frigging tiny, but then again in comparison to his obscene tallness in HARRY POTTER, anyone would seem petite. I could probably bite him on the kneecap if I stood on my toes. And Christopher Eccelston! OMFGWTFBBQ! And such. He's brilliant, and so young. OK, here's a SPOILER, so don't read this if for some reason you haven't seen the show, and want to. OK? SPOILER. So don't get pissy if I ruin something for you. Go to the next bit. Anyway, for those few still reading, his death scene is the most heartbreaking thing ever. It's so long, and physically painful to watch. I covered my eyes and had to force myself to watch. And of course Robert Carlyle is the one who did him in. Interesting side-note: Eccleston was in 28 DAYS LATER..., and Carlyle was in 28 WEEKS LATER... Maybe I'm the only one who finds that interesting.

* RESCUE DAWN: Werner Herzog for president. Seriously. He would save people from car crashes, dodge bullets, and make ass-kicking movies, all while bringing about world peace. He'd get my vote. That being said, my favorite characters ALWAYS die. Always. Forever. Why am I drawn to people who are doomed? This seems like something I should discuss in therapy, or possibly in a nice padded room away from sharp objects.

* I bought a shitload of books this week, because we got that huge glorious discount at work. I bought David Thewlis' book, pretty much solely because he was a genius in NAKED and the HARRY POTTER films. I also bought BROTHER ODD, and another book whose title is too long for me to remember.

* It was SANTA CON yesterday. Hundreds of people dressed up as Saint Nick, drinking and yelling all fucking day. I saw a lot of very confused children, and some truly spectacular vomiting. Olympic-quality hurling. The holidays are indeed magical.

That's all for now. I'm still in a bad mood, and I think that falling asleep [relatively] early while watching IRON CHEF may be the cure.

May Santa not ralph on your shoes.
- LV

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There Are Dead Mice Outside My Apartment

And I have no idea why. They look like they were mushed. It's kind of gross. Tiny mushy mouse bodies make Elle sad. And a little nauseous.

I don't really have anything to say, I just don't want to leave for work just yet. Yes, I am back at the Evil Corporate Bookstore after having spectacularly quit barely a week ago. I shame myself and others. Last night I watched AQUA TEEN HUNGER FORCE, and found myself laughing out loud. Never seem to get tired of it.

This week at work all employees get a massive discount, and I am buying accordingly. Which is a bit of a problem, considering my lack of cashflow. Also went to the STRAND today and bought a book, despite the best efforts of my friend Kay to curb my rampant book-buying compulsion. I may buy something today, then nothing else for a while. After all, ORDER OF THE PHOENIX comes out on Tuesday, and I need to buy it (along with the first and fourth movies, but let's not get into that right now).

One last thing: the new Will Christopher Baer book was SUPPOSED to come out last month. It didn't, and it's release date hasn't been updated. I am very, very annoyed by this, and need to find out who to complain to. For those of you ignorant of his genius, go buy the PHINEAS POE collection. So good. Like a love letter dipped in blood and acid, only not as wet or smelly.

OK, now I'm late.

May your Thursday be pleasant, and may the dead mice cease to exist outside my door.
- LV

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Reports Of My Death Were Greatly Exaggerated

Yes, I am alive and... well, alive.

Lots of stuff to report, but I'm not sure I want to go into any of it. Most of it is either tragic or depressing or dull. And nobody wants that, do we? So a few random notes.

* Mitch Huckabee running for the Presidential Nomination. I keep thinking, "I Heart Huckabee" and giggling like an ass. He should use that as his slogan. I wouldn't vote for him, but I'd still find it funny.

* SWEENEY TODD! Oh. My. God. You've got Johnny Depp, Alan Rickman, Sacha Baron Cohen, and Helena Bonham Carter. You've got Tim Burton. You've got SINGING. Well, that's actually kind of worrisome. But I trust these people, and I'm going to see it, and I'm going to love it no matter how bad it may be. I have decided I love this movie. Deal with it.

* WATCHMEN stills look orgasmic. I want to cuddle them. WHY is it going to be another year until I get to see this movie? Yes, I'm worried it will be vile and destroy my tenuous faith in the film industry, plunging me into a deep well of despair and endless whining. But if it's good, it's going to be really, really good. Epic goodness could be around the corner.

* HARRY POTTER: So obsessed. Ashamed of my obsession, but loving every humiliating minute. December 11th is when ORDER OF THE PHOENIX comes out, the only one I have yet to see. Yes, I'm going to buy it. Love it all so much. And I was so defiantly proud of NOT being one of those people. I have eaten my words several times over, and made my apologies to the appropriate sources.

* ENCHANTED was really, really good. I went to see it solely to have something to mock, and I left with a big idiotic grin of pure enjoyment on my usually vacant face. It was just so much fun. I want Amy Adams to be my best friend forever. I didn't even hate the dude from GREY'S ANATOMY.

* Going to dinner tonight with AMY GOODMAN of DEMOCRACY NOW. Long story how this happened, and I don't feel like telling it. Should be interesting.

* Netflix is my soulmate.

May I update more regularly, and may life start to make more sense than it has these past few weeks. And may all the movies I want to see be glorious goodness, and all the people I don't like get really itchy dry skin.
- LV

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