I'm About To Pass Out, But I Wanted To Say This

I've written six pages of my zombie story, and you know what?

It doesn't half suck.

- LV

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Writing Life Update

I know my career stories aren't nearly as fascinating as my endless pontificating about pop culture, but maybe someone out there can help me on the path to fame and fortune.

* I am having a book review published, but I'm not getting paid. So plus one for experience, but negative one for lack of funds.

* I've been trying to perk up my angsty teen poetry I wrote back in the days before antidepressants and when I had blue hair. But it's really, inexcusably bad. A few are salvageable, but most of it should be thrown onto the eternal bonfire and offered up to the Bad Writing Gods as penance for my sins.

* I'm giving two incredibly shitty novels another go, and starting a third. One redeeming quality of the third novel: ZOMBIES. 

* I'm going to try to sell my thesis as a book to a literary agent. It's depressing and very nichey, but anyone who takes a media studies class might find use for it. Of course, I'd have to expand it significantly to include about fifteen or twenty more movies, but I don't want to spend all that time and energy if nobody is even going to humor my obsessive behavior. NOTE: If you don't know what I'm talking about in reference to the thesis, ask and I shall explain.

* I'm trying to write comic book scripts, a la HARVEY PEKAR and the genius of AMERICAN SPLENDOR. His stick figures are better than mine. As is the story. But my memories of high school and college make for surreal reading - and they would be funny if drawn well. Now I just need to find an artist...

* In other news, IE the real world, I have a job interview tomorrow as a hostess. Spent an inordinate amount of time today bawling over my writer's block, which is officially out of control. 

I want to start calling up authors I admire and asking the much-maligned question: Where Do You Get Your Ideas? Because I need inspiration. 

Writing vaguely emo pieces about the guy who didn't like me when I was 15 or the threesome I witnessed when I was 16 is not how I want to be remembered as a writer. Although at this point, even having people DESPISING my work would be preferable. At least then I'd know people are reading it.

Someone should just pay me to blog. But yeah, if Warren Ellis, Amy Sedaris, Joss Whedon, Neil Gaiman, J.K. Rowling, Hunter S. Thompson, Sir Arthr Conan Doyle, Jon Stewart, Joan Didion, Kurt Vonnegut, Russel T. Davies, or Matt Groening (or a thousand other people) want to call me up and tell me where they get their ideas, I'd be very very grateful.

Or, better yet, let me rip off your ideas and call them my own! 

I wrote a really great script in middle school that was essentially FROM DUSK TILL DAWN without vampires, and a female character. 

That's all for now. If my head explodes from a lack of ideas [or would implodes be more realistic?] I'll let you know. 

- LV

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Warren Ellis Quotes

The creator of TRANSMETROPOLITAN, and one of my comic books gods. For those of you who read regularly [are there such people out there, wandering the land with laptops in hand and a glazed, dead look in their eyes?], I wrote him a rather crazed fan-letter on this blog a few months back. I was going to link to it, but I decided you guys need to WORK for that honor. Also, not as funny as I previously imagined it.

"Apparently, using the sentence 'Does Daddy have to shank a bitch?' is considered unorthodox parenting. Who knew?"

"Okay, okay. I lie to you constantly. But still."

"I figure that the more of you there are around me, the more chance there is of the inevitable hail of bullets hitting you instead of me."

"I have decided that I'm going to drink myself into a coma tonight. Join me?"

"When they're not around, I put the TV on. Purely out of curiosity, you understand. Up here, we can snatch some forty thousand channels out of the air. Most of them, of course, are still showing CSI and LAW AND ORDER. There are twelve different channels showing LAW AND ORDER 24 hours a day. In some countries, Jerry Orbach has become a cargo-cult figure. They don't understand the language or much of the situations. They comprehend only that Jerry Orbach is immortal. They watch and divine from the show that he outlives the young gods who are selected to be his assistants. Criminals fall. DAs change. Assistants fade away. Jerry Orbach is forever. Jerry Orbach is, in fact, some kind of avenging God-King who will hunt and incarcerate Scum until the end of time."

"Fuck everybody. I won."

"I really need about six more hours in every day. Ten past two in the afternoon and I can barely keep my eyes open already. I miss dexies, I really do."

"I am, in fact, Internet Jesus. Hurrah."

"During this week, I've been leaving the house only once a day, to clear my lungs before returning to my death bed. So I've been getting a single snapshot of the weather each day. And it's no wonder I'm fucking dying. Yesterday, blazing heat, not a cloud in the sky, people moving in slow motion under the oppressive radiation. Today? Black skies, pissing down with rain, gales turning people's umbrellas inside out. It'll be snow tomorrow. Or hot hail."

"I will accept death as an alternative to the pain of being awake, at this point."

"Seriously. UFO organisations have been contracting of late, because no-one's seeing flying saucers any more. They turn up at weird cultural stress points, like an approaching millennium (which the X-Files lucked into, rather than caused). Almost, it seems, when the culture is worried about something amorphous rather than concrete (like terrorism). The 90s UFO "glut" coincided with the threat of nuclear war fading, relative political stability in the US and UK, and yet the feeling that the turn of the century Meant Something that we couldn't put into words. I almost miss flying saucers: because they might mean that we don't have anything serious to worry about."

"The sky's gone the colour of death. Big storm coming. I'm going to be trapped in the pub. Very bad."

"In cultural news from here in the old country, Pete Doherty is apparently still a "genius," which presumably means we have a hidden race of intellectuals who express their sheer brilliance by rubbing crack rocks into their eyes, stealing all their mates' stuff and failing to get it up for their girlfriends. Oh, and Kate Bush is making a comeback, which I would imagine means that Tori Amos will have to go into some kind of witness protection scheme."

"I grew up in the 80s in England: we'd wake up each morning and look out the window to see if the government had finally put Daleks on the streets."

"The book is almost always better than the movie. You could have no better case in point than FROM HELL, Alan Moore's best graphic novel to date, brilliantly illustrated by Eddie Campbell. It's hard to describe just how much better the book is. It's like, 'If the movie was an episode of 'Battlestar Galactica' with a guest appearance by the Smurfs and everyone spoke Dutch, the graphic novel is 'Citizen Kane' with added sex scenes and music by your favourite ten bands and everyone in the world you ever hated dies at the end.' That's how much better it is."

"When you're putting together any kind of really stupid loud explody movie, I feel you need a Posh English Girl With Guns. Also, a Robot, a Man With One Name Who Hits People, The Blonde and the Magic Negro."

"I actually thought about attending San Diego a couple of years ago, and talked to a publisher about it. I told them I'd need a business-class flight (better air filters -- otherwise I spend a day on an inhaler) and a decent-sized hotel room. They said: 'But if we give you that, what will Neil Gaiman ask for?'"

"Always remember: Valentine's Day is a Christian corruption of a pagan festival involving werewolves, blood and fucking. So wish people a happy Horny Werewolf Day and see what happens. I love you all."

"It is so fucking cold. Outside, the sky's cut in half. There's this huge black cloudbank covering half the sky, just radiating cold and rain and doom, waiting for me to step outside. And it's not moving. It's waiting. The other half? Blue sky. Every erg of heat in England just flying up through it into space. There's some Russian bastard on the ISS right now looking down and saying, see, my country is saved, the Russian winter is moving east to FREEZE WARREN'S NUTS OFF."

"Oh, this is brilliant. The Wales team are being sponsored by a brewery with a slightly unusual name. On their red shirts, the name is emblazoned on the front in big white letters: BRAINS. We are WALES, and we are here for BRAAAAIIIIINNNNS."

"But if you're one of those real frightening anal sticklers for Marvel continuity? And you get genuinely angry about people playing fast and loose with Marvel comics canon? Please don't pick it up. You'll have a heart attack, and I don't need that on my conscience, despite the wonders it'd do for my reputation."

"You'd be surprised how many people approach me thinking I'm going to try and cut off their thumbs or hit them with a chairleg or something."

"My back is killing me. I can feel things moving around in it. It is a singularly unpleasant sensation. Almost as bad as watching Xmas television. Caught part of a documentary on the recording of 'Fairytale Of New York' last night. What the fuck happened to Shane McGowan's head? It's shrunk."

"If you believe that your thoughts originate inside your brain — do you also believe that television shows are made inside your television set?"

"So fuck 2005 right in the eyesocket. Horrible year. Will 2006 be any better? I'll settle for not having to bury any more of my friends for a year. Hoping to travel more. Also, forming a religion of some kind would be good. Embracing my destiny as Internet Jesus. (Or, at the very least, Wise Man Of The Internet Forest, who appears half-clothed at the treeline every day to make Proclamations And Propheses. You all want to fuck me now, eh?)"

"I have decided that I shall be referred to only as Love Swami for the rest of the week, and shall delete any email not headed with the term."

"Writing comics? Still the best job in the world. I sit around all day making shit up and see it illustrated, in 99% of cases, exactly as I imagined it, if not better. I've been doing this a long time now, and I'm going to do it until I die. Which probably won't be long, given the constant insane deadline pressure. But fuck it. Anything worth doing takes work. Some people do question if it's worth it, given that the industry makes no friends and takes no prisoners and is not kind to people without the chops or the commitment or a thick skin. You know what? I've got forty books out there that some people wear on their fucking skin, and I didn't manage that by arsing around on the internet all day. That's right. I managed it AS WELL AS arsing around on the internet all day. I have powers."

"Apparently it is Wrong, when finding carol singers at your door, to yell 'Hail Satan! See you in Disneyland!' and slam it on them. But I don't want to be Right."

"Stress has finally caught up with me. I know this because I have spent the last ten minutes considering whether or not the theme music to HAWAII 5-0 is in fact the greatest TV theme music ever. Or whether it is in fact the theme to VAN DER VALK... And have downloaded both of them off the internet. In the name of God. Someone help me think about sex or death or something. Thank you."

"Shots of whisky between finishing a magnum of champagne? Don't do that again. I think I've woken up with motor neurone disease."

"I want fucking points for upgrading Wordpress myself when I still can't program the fucking video recorder properly. Points, and, I dunno, dancing girls and streams of whiskey and cigarettes that won't give me cancer. See to it."

"On Live Journal, my friend Donna came up with the joke tag 'Warren Ellis' Holy Slut Army.' She even made t-shirts. You know how scary it is to walk into a hotel and see a girl wearing one of those?"

"In other news, I'm up way too fucking early again. Oh, and Southend Pier caught fire (again) last night. Wasn't me."

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Sacha Baron Cohen Quotes

“The moment I appeared the crowd started jeering and booing and shouting ‘faggot’ and spitting, I had hired a bodyguard and when the jeering started I turned to see where the bodyguard was, I could just see the back of his head as he was running out of the stadium."

"Thank you to every American who has not sued me so far."

"I saw some amazing, beautiful, invigorating parts of America, but I saw some dark parts of America, an ugly side of America, a side of America that rarely sees the light of day. I refer, of course, to the anus and testicles of my co-star, Ken Davitian."

I love this man. Total genius. Funny and smart and tall as all hell. And he interviewed NOAM CHOMSKY, thus making life good. Plus, he was hysterical in SWEENEY TODD. 

In other news, 1500 people have seen my blog. Let us rejoice. Except for the total lack of comments on anything I write. Let us mourn.

- LV

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Underrated Movies That Everyone Should See

I just want everyone to know, I blame you all for these movies failing. I SAW them. I'm innocent in their failings. These are in no order.

1. Slither
- Best horror/comedy in years. AND Nathan Fillion
2. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
- One of the smartest, funniest, most exciting and clever crime movies of the decade. AND Robert Downey, Jr.
3. Wonder Boys
- Michael Douglas should have won an Oscar. And MORE Robert Downey, Jr.
4. Zero Effect
- Bill Pullman gives one of the wackiest performances ever. Sort of an ancestor to 'Monk.'
5. Existenz
- David Cronenberg is one of the gods of weird cinema. And Christoper Eccelston!
6. The Poughkeepsie Tapes
- Most terrifying movie I have ever seen. Period. Being released in February. Go.
7. Grindhouse
- Nobody saw it because you asshole couldn't hold it in for what, 3 1/2 hours? PEE IN A CUP IF NECESSARY! I HELD it the whole damn time, and probably did permanent damage to my bladder! It was WORTH IT.
8. Thank You For Smoking
- This movie was so good, even Katie Holmes couldn't fuck it up.
9. Children Of Men
- This got ONE Oscar nomination. ONE. AND LOST. JULIA ROBERTS HAS MORE!
10. Secretary
- Maggie is GOD. One of my favorite romances ever.
11. Auto Focus
- Greg Kinnear made up for EVERY bad movie. EVER. This one movie has redeemed his whole career. And Bob Crane was a crazy son of a bitch.
12. Eight Mile
- Fuck everyone, this is a fucking fantastic film. OK, it won an Oscar, but people still don't appreciate it enough. Or EMINEM'S remarkable performance. Fuck.
13. Lovely & Amazing
- Apparently movies where women are real characters don't succeed. I want to be Catherine Keener.
14. American Splendor
- PAUL GIAMATTI HAS NOT WON AN OSCAR. THERE IS NO GOD.
15. Matchstick Men
- Even Nicolas Cage didn't ruin it.
16. You Can Count On Me
- The main reason I still love Mark Ruffalo.
17. Jesus' Son
- Best drug movie since 'Trainspotting.'
18. Man On The Moon
- Jim Carrey has some of the most devastating comic moments ever in this film. And the end makes me cry.
19. State & Main
- There is not a single bad performance in this movie. Alec Baldwin will make you shit your pants. And William H. Macy is great as a dick. One of my favorite comedies.
20. Before Sunset
- Gives you faith in love. In some ways, better than BEFORE SUNRISE.
21. Miller's Crossing
- COEN BROTHERS COEN BROTHERS COEN BROTHERS COEN BROTHERS
22. Serenity
- Hey, I saw it, I bought it, I loved it. It's because of YOU PEOPLE that it didn't do well. And don't get me started on FIREFLY, because I will drive you bonkers.
23. Hellboy
- Ron Perlman is so underrated it makes me want to have sex with him. Wait... The sequel is coming out soon!
24. Sweet And Lowdown
- Sean Penn should have won an Oscar for THIS. His best performance ever. And Woody Allen, before his movies started to depress me. Best soundtrack.
25. Igby Goes Down
- Best way to tell someone somebody has died. When I die, I want someone to do this.
26. Confessions Of A Dangerous Mind
- Sam Rockwell. It's all about Sam Rockwell. By the way, I knew Clooney would be a great director cause of this movie. Way before GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK. Eat me, fuckers.
27. Gods And Monsters
- Every time I see this movie, it makes me cry over how good Brendon Fraser is, and how bad his film choices are.
28. The Hudsucker Proxy
- Hula hoops! Tim Robbins!
29. A Simple Plan
- Billy Bob Thorton can do no wrong. Because of this one movie. I can forgive him pretty much any cinematic vomit he might expel. One of the best movies of its type ever. I think it may be the only one of its kind.
30. Arrested Development
- OK, not a movie. BUT NOBODY WATCHED IT AND NOW IT'S GONE FOREVER! But the O.C. went on for AGES, didn't it?

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Joss Whedon Quotes

Joss Whedon is one of my heroes, because no matter what he does, he makes characters you care about. He's also incredibly funny and talented, although he has, in EVERY SHOW HE'S EVER DONE, killed off my favorite characters. Every. Single One. OK, one was the movie, but it COUNTS. We have a complicated relationship.

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I took the road less traveled by and they CANCELLED MY FRIKKIN' SHOW. I totally shoulda took the road that had all those people on it. Damn."

"I'm working on 'Buffy: Deep Space Nine.' It will be dark and badly received."

"The network called up and said 'We piggybacked you on the deal for another show,' I'm like 'Okay, so what you're saying to my writers is that they weren't picked up when they thought they were and now that they are it was because of something that has nothing to do with them. Okay. Great. Stop calling'."

"Let freedom ring, unless it's on vibrate."

"My visions of the future are always pretty much standard issue. The rich get richer, the poor get poorer and there are flying cars."

"Very occasionally, if you really pay attention, life doesn’t suck."

"I know there's been some debate about the DVD art. Just remember it's what's INside that counts, as I used to remind girls in high school constantly. CONSTANTLY - until I realized that I was empty inside. Empty and homely. Man, that's a rough combo."

"If nothing we do matters, then all that matters is what we do."

"The actors can make up their dialogue. I'm bushed, and they're all funny, and the hell with it. Maybe I'll give them a premise to work off of, like 'You're all in trouble' or 'Wash has a thing.' They could maybe light it too."

"People love a happy ending. So every episode, I will explain once again that I don't like people. And then Mal will shoot someone. Someone we like. And their puppy."

"I'd rather have a show that a hundred people need to see than a thousand people like to see."

"Actually, I really did copy the entire script of 'Outlaw Star.' I really didn't do any of that, I'm sorry I deluded so many people into thinking I'm not a sham."

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Doctor Who Is AMAZING!

OK, I got squealing fangirl joy when there was a DOCTOR WHO episode where he talked about HARRY POTTER. I was delighted beyond comprehension. Because I am simple.

And the episode 42 traumatized me enormously. The Doctor is ALWAYS in danger, because otherwise he wouldn't be the Doctor. But in that episode, he's scared. Not for others, or the universe, or some grand notion. He's in pain, and he's so scared, and it's just awful. His terror is so visceral that it frightens me. DAVID TENNANT really is a great doctor. I concede, he is on equal footing with Nine. Although Nine has nicer eyes and a better accent. But Ten has risen ridiculously high in my esteem.

Also, watched the Children In Need special with PETER DAVISON, and it was incredible. I wanted it to be longer. And Davison was Tennant's favorite Doctor, and he wrote that whole little speech on why he was amazing, and how he was 'his' Doctor. 

In conclusion, I love DOCTOR WHO. And I want to move to England solely so I can watch it when it's actually on.

I've been watching TORCHWOOD as well, but I'm not sold on it yet. I mean, Captain Jack rocks out, but I haven't fallen in love yet. Although the Doctor references make me smile, but it hasn't gotten to me yet, you know? We'll see. I haven't finished season one yet, so I can't make an informed decision.

Heath Ledger's death continues to be big news. I want to know what happened, but I want everyone to leave him alone. Does that make sense? 

Lot of hits on the site lately, but no one seems to be commenting. Speak to me, people! Argue with me, agree with me, bow before my pop culture genius! Or... don't. Your call.

One last thing: Season 3 of DOCTOR WHO seems to be almost entirely about torturing the Doctor. He gets the everloving SHIT kicked out of him. It's very upsetting for those of us who love him so dearly.

- LV

PS The Doctor as a Profesor? OMFG that is HOT. If he were my teacher... I'm going to stop now. For all our sakes.

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Johnny The Homicidal Maniac Quotes

One of the first comics that really 'got' me. Also made me pee myself laughing, which says quite a bit about my attitude towards violence. Enjoy.

"If you can read this, you are probably not dead yet. - The management."

"This is the Johnny shirt that all your ugly friends are wearing. You are much better looking, so get it and make them see how hideous they are. It's not really edible, you could eat it if you really tried."

"Much more will happen, but I am sneaky piggy, so I no tell."

"Dear Die-ary, there's nothing terribly wrong with feeling lost, so long as that feeling precedes some plan on your part to actually do something about it. Too often a person grows complacent with their disillusionment, perpetually wearing their "discomfort" like a favorite shirt. I can't say I'm very pleased with where my life is just now... but I can't help but look forward to where it's going."

"Let's go to my room, Shmee. We'll hide under the blankets and maybe fall asleep before we die."

"I've excluded happiness as one of those possibilities we seek for ourselves. Oh, I still want it, but that's beside the point. Contentment - they say it's the ultimate, but I can't even wish for that. I don't even want the desire to be content. I can only hope for silence."

"OOOOH, SORREEEE!! I only created THE UNIVERSE!!! You’re right, I should be out running LAPS."

"As you may already know, I tried to kill you. I see how that could be construed as a bad thing, but the part that understands that is not the one running things in my little world."

"It's a book you can enjoy with the entire family, so long as they're numb to the grotesque."

"You know that feeling you get? The one where you just know you're going to projectile vomit out of every orifice? I feel that right now. I want you away. Leave me to my vomit."

"Sir? There seems to be a problem with this ice-sucky machine. Please make my pain end."

"Do you have ANY idea what's going on down there?!! Hideous things! People are suffering, and people like... well... ME, heh, are running around!! Suicide, genocide!! People are killing MOOSE!! You buy a video game system, and a better one comes out in a month!!! Powdered eggs?!!! Self esteem is so low, girls are buyin wonder bras!!! Do you see!? DO YOU?"

"Until the future happens, goodnight."

"I've been talking to dead rabbits and feeding bloody walls. I've done horrifying things with salad tongs. It's really eaten into my social life."

"I wish... I wish someone would just switch me off and... fix me."

"Dear Die-ary, today I stuffed some dolls full of dead rats I put in the blender. I'm wondering if, maybe, there really is something wrong with me."

"Don't sue me. I'm funny."

"Angry nun is always comedy."

"This is Heaven. You can stop praying now."

"She liked you and you tried to kill her. That was impolite."

"Yay!! I’m home and I wasn’t attacked by that squirrel!"

"It's a frightening world to be alone in."

"Does light even EXIST when the refrigerator door is shut!?"

"Either my hair burned off in hell, or I sleep-shaved it during a really stupid dream."

"It's okay! I'm alright! I think my spine has exploded, but I'm fine."

"WHERE THE FUCK IS THE BACTINE!!"

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What The FUCK Is Wrong With The Oscars?!

I can't even deal with the Oscars right now. But let's all stand in silence and briefly remember the movies that were either under-appreciated or totally ignored.

Movies That Were Shafted By The Oscars

* Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber Of Fleet Street - NO BEST DIRECTOR. WHAT THE FUCK? And Depp won't win. If he didn't win for fucking FINDING NEVERLAND which was as feel-good as he gets, he ain't winning for a flick about a crazy barber. Although if he does, I'll be happy for roughly two whole months. And imminently smug.

* Zodiac - One of the scariest movies I've ever seen, with a brilliant performance by Robert Downey Jr, and wonderful direction. And it got SHIT. OK? TRANSFORMERS got more nominations. Pause and ponder.

* The Bourne Ultimatum - Paul Greengrass should have won best director for UNITED 93, and I'd just like SOMEONE out there to acknowledge that a great action trilogy exists, and that none of its parts sucks. I'm not asking for Best Picture - it wasn't. Just, I don't know, some technical awards. SOMETHING?

* Enchanted - Amy Adams, MAN! She was amazing. And I didn't even hate that dude from GREY'S ANATOMY.

* The Simpsons Movie - I mean, SURF'S UP got nominated? NORBIT got a nomination?! GOLDEN COMPASS?! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!

* Walk Hard The Dewey Cox Story - OK, I just wish they would have nominated one of his songs. The performance alone would have been worth it.

* Harry Potter & The Order Of The Phoenix - Visual effects, anyone? ANYONE?

* 3:10 To Yuma - Best Western since BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN. And that got awards! Big awards!

* Knocked Up - Just original screenplay. I think that's fair. I'm still annoyed THE 40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN didn't get any nominations. Steve Carell was so good... moving on.

* Hot Fuzz - Because it was funny and awesome. That's why.

* Rescue Dawn - Steve Zahn was royally fucked for best supporting. I mean, royally. And Christian Bale made two great movies this year, and got JACK.

* Waitress - This one really upsets me. It was so beautiful and real and funny and sad. And the director will never make another movie. This one should have gotten some appreciation.

* A Mighty Heart - Angelina Jolie should win. End of story. Thank you. That is all.

EDIT: I am very freaked that as soon as I mentioned BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN, the news came on that Heath Ledger had died. This happens to me a lot. But seriously, this is a really sad thing. He was young and a father and incredibly talented. And he didn't live that far from me. I'm not trying to co-opt his family's pain, or make this a tabloid thing. But someone I admired died, and for what it's worth I convey my deepest sympathies to his family.

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Can You Have Writer's Block If You're Not A Real Writer?

And by real writer, I mean published. Successfully. Something you actually thought up and wrote, not ripped off of better authors. 

My writer's block is driving me to distraction. Even my usually vivid daydreams are faded and dull. My daydreams hold no interest for me. That is a bad sign. And every idea I think up has been done better. Like Joss Whedon. I want to be Joss Whedon. Or Charlie Kaufman. Or Tim Burton, even though he's a director. Or J.K. Rowling or Hunter S. Thompson or Warren Ellis. All my ideas sound stupid or trite. Or worse, chick-lit. 

Except for Jennifer Weiner, who is my guilty pleasure, I deplore chick-lit. It makes me actively angry. And I don't want my writing to be defined by my nether regions, or the fact that I think Johnny Depp is hot. Maybe if I ever get a good story idea again, I'll write under a pseudonym. 

You know which movie I wish I wrote? KISS KISS BANG BANG. I totally wish that was my idea. Something funny and genre-bending and exciting and under-appreciated. But at this point I'd settle for just being geisha girl to Hugh Laurie.

I've been working on my novel, which turned into chick lit somewhere on page 3. I think because it's a first-person female narrator, and I'm not Sylvia Plath. Do people count that as chick-lit? 

I don't mean books written by women. That would be idiotic. And self-defeating. I consider chick-lit to be books written about a female protagonist who's 'quirky' and 'original,' like fucking Meg Ryan in all those awful movies. And she ends up with the bad guy who turns out to be pretty nice, not the hot guy who turns out to be a shit, and everyone lives happily ever after. Shit. Shit, mine kind of goes that way. I FAIL AT LIFE! HURRAY!

I need to read more. I spent two or three months obsessively rereading the HARRY POTTER series, and I know I could never write anything like that. So I need to read more, and get more inspiration. I wish you could order it, like cigarettes or booze. This is just free-writing.

Random Movie Notes

* SECRET WINDOW is a bad movie, but Johnny Depp is so amazingly funny that it is entirely worthwhile. Like, just him farting around that cabin talking to himself is fucking hysterical. Also, he's real pretty. I'm on a bit of a Depp kick at the moment. It happens. And John Turturro is just always rad. It's a pointless piece of film but it's fun if you ignore the plot.

* SPIDER MAN 3 is also pointless crap, because it's a mess. But it has one good scene. I try to find one worthwhile thing in every movie. This one has several, but only one I actually want to mention. WARNING: SPOILER FOR SPIDER MAN 3. I think James Franco's death scene is fantastic. It's just so sad, and sweet, and surprisingly understated considering how much of the rest of the movie was about explosions and loud noises and grandiose gestures. It's just this very sad, quiet sort of scene, and he's wonderful in it. I'll miss him.

* In HARRY POTTER & THE GOBLET OF FIRE, David Tennant is scary as everloving fuck. My friend put it quite succinctly: "He does a great job of going from a really elegant guy to totally fucking deranged in like two seconds." I'm paraphrasing, but it was a good line.

I need to read something good. But not tonight. Tonight I'm going to watch crappy movies and fuck around on the computer. Like a true writer. 

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Galaxy Quest Quotes

Funniest movie in years. Total goodness, with ALAN RICKMAN, SAM ROCKWELL, TONY SHALOUB, SIGOURNEY WEAVER, and... it's just really fucking funny and smart, and if you ever liked STAR TREK, you are legally obligated to see this movie.

"What IS this thing? There's no useful purpose for there to be a bunch of chompy, crushy things in the middle of a hallway!"
"Gwen —"
"No! I mean, we shouldn't have to do this! It makes no logical sense! Why is it here?!"
"Because it's on the television show."
"Well, forget it! I'm not doing it! This episode was BADLY WRITTEN!"

"It's a rock! It doesn't HAVE any vulnerable spots!"

"Guys, I was there. I was up there. Remember yesterday at the convention, those people dressed up like aliens? They WERE aliens! They were Termites, or-or Dalmatians... I can't really remember 'cause I was hung over. But what they built was extraordinary!"

"You broke the ship, you BROKE the bloody ship!"

"We have enjoyed preparing many of your esoteric dishes. Your Monte Cristo sandwich has become a favorite among the adventurous."

"Let's get out of here before one of those things kills Guy!"

"How did I come to this?"
"Not again."
"I played Richard the Third!"
"Five curtain calls."
"There were five curtain calls. I was an ACTOR once, damn it! Now look at me. Look at me! I can't go out there, and I won't say that STUPID line one more time. I can't and I won't!"

"You WILL go out there!"
"I won't. And nothing you can say will make me."
"The show must go on."
"...Damn you. Damn you! I won't say that stupid line one more time!"

"Whoever wrote this episode should DIE!"

"I changed my mind, I wanna go back."
"After all the fuss you made about getting left behind?"
"Yeah, but that's when I thought I was the crewman that stays on the ship and something is up there and it kills me. But now I'm thinking I'm the guy that gets killed by some monster five minutes after we land on the planet."
"You're not going to die on the planet, Guy."
"I'm not? Then what's my last name?"
"It's, um... um, um... I don't know."
"Nobody knows. You know why? Because my character isn't important enough for a last name... because I'm gonna die five minutes in."
"Guy, you HAVE a last name."
"DO I?! DO I?! For all you know, I'm 'Crewman Number Six!' Mommy! MOMMY!"
"Are we there yet?"

"Wait! Don't open that! It's an alien planet! Is there AIR? You don't know!"

"Look at that. Look. They look like little children."
"Could they be the miners?"
"Sure. I mean, they're like three years old."
"MINERS, not MINORS."
"You lost me."

"I don't like this. I don't like this at all."
"Oh, they are so cute!"
"Sure, they're cute NOW. But in a second they're gonna get mean, and they're gonna get ugly somehow, and there's gonna be a million more of them."

"Did you guys ever WATCH the show?"

"We'll need a signal. I'll cup my hands like this and go 'Caw! Caw!'"
"What are you, an infant?!"

Look around you. Can you form some sort of rudimentary lathe?"

"What was that?"
"Uh, nothing."
"I heard some squealing or something."
"No, everything is fine."
"But the animal is inside out."
"I heard that! It got turned inside out?"
"And it exploded."
"Did I just hear that the animal turned inside out and then EXPLODED?"
"Um... hold, please."

"I'm just a glorified extra, Fred. I'm a dead man anyway. If I gotta die I'd rather go out a hero than a coward."
"Guy — Guy, maybe you're the plucky comedy relief. You ever think about that?"
"Plucky?"
"Besides. Haha! I just had this really interesting idea...Yeah let's go."
"Are you stoned?"

"Enemy is matching velocity."
"The enemy is matching velocity."
"We heard it the first time."
"Gosh, I'm doing it. I'm repeating the darn computer!"

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A Non-Specific Rant

Things That Make Me Happy Right Now

* Drinks with my friends tonight.

* Haven't seen a roach in almost a week.

* CLOVERFIELD is coming out on Friday!

* Job interview.

* HOUSE, MD

* Netflix

* I'm working on a novel.

Things That Make Me Unhappy Right Now

* Will probably see a roach in the next five minutes.

* Job interview is for an unpaid position.

* New episodes of HOUSE, MD don't come back on until the end of the month.

* My novel isn't very good.

* The movies I want to see aren't coming out for months on end.

* Still unemployed.

* Personal life both boring AND in shambles, which I didn't know was possible.

I swear, I don't intend for this blog to become an angsty Dashboard-Confessional LiveJournal I'm so emo I sit in the dark and cry exercise in bad writing. It's just been a shitty month.

Whichever horoscope-writer said this would be my best year ever was clearly drunk, or vindictive. They must be found, and forced to listen to me whine.

May your life not be driving you crazy.

- LV

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Kiss Kiss Bang Bang Quotes

For the record, I wish I had written this movie. I would sell my soul to have written this movie. If you haven't seen it, I hate you. And everybody you will ever meet secretly thinks you smell kind of funky. This is one of the best movies I've seen in the past ten years. Hands down.

"This is every shade of wrong."

"I tell him about destiny; he's shaking his head. About dreamgirls; he doesn't care. I mention the underwear thing? He has a fucking conniption. And you? How 'bout it, filmgoer? Have you solved the case of the - the dead people in L.A.? Times Square audiences, please don't shout at the screen, and stop picking at that, it'll just get worse."

"Don't worry, I saw Lord of the Rings. I'm not going to end this 17 times."

"It was the first time I felt how pitying someone and wanting to fuck them can get all tangled up in your head. Overwhelming sadness, meanwhile you got a Rodney. Is that sick? I think… yeah… I think that's sick."

"Doesn't that suck? I just hit you for no reason. I don't know why."

"Your mouth is a recommended place to put a sock."

"When in doubt, cut up a pig - that was the town's motto."

"Thanks for coming, please stay for the end credits, if you're wondering who the best boy is, it's somebody's nephew, um, don't forget to validate your parking, and to all you good people in the Midwest, sorry we said fuck so much."

"Why in pluperfect hell would you pee on a corpse?"

"So she comes to the door with nothing on but the radio. And she leads me inside and I sit down, right? Well, then she sits right on my lap and lights up a spliff."
"Really? That happened?"
"No. Idiot."

"I call it my 'faggot gun,' because it's only good for a couple of shots and then you have to drop it for something better."

"Look up idiot in the dictionary. You know what you'll find?"
"A picture of me?"
"No! The definition of the word 'idiot!' Which you fucking are!"

"He called her a... well, a bad word. Cunt."

"I shot him with a small revolver I keep near my balls."

"Do you think I'm stupid?"
"I don't think you'd know where to put food, if you didn't flap your mouth so much. Yes I think you're stupid."

"This isn't good cop, bad cop. This is fag and New Yorker. You're in serious trouble."

"Merry Christmas. Sorry I fucked you over."

"I swear to God, it's like somebody took America by the East Coast, and shook it, and all the normal girls managed to hang on."

"I want you to picture a bullet inside your head right now. Can you do that for me?"
"Fuck you. Anyway, that's ambiguous."
"Ambiguous. No, no, I don't think so."
"No, I think what he means is that when you say 'Picture it inside your head' okay is that that a bullet will be inside your head. Or picture it IN your head."
"Harry will you shut up?"
"Well he's got a point."
"Look, I don't know anything about a girl, seriously. I was bluffing."
"Oh okay, you know what? I think you are bluffing right now."
"Harry what are you doing?"
"Well what I am doing for the guy who likes to bluff, is I am playing a little game called 'Am I bluffing?' Where is she? Where the fuck is Harmony?"
"Harry."
"You want to play hard ball, I can do that. Where...is...the girl!"
[The gun unexpectedly fires into the gunman's head.]
"What did you just do!?"
"There was only one bullet in that right?"
"Yes, you put a live round into that gun."
"Well I didn't know I thought there was like an ...eight percent chance."
"Eight? Who taught you math?"

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Pop Quiz, Hot Shots

Hello, total strangers! I have a question that I can't seem to answer, and maybe you can. So, let's give it a shot, shall we?

What should I do with the rest of my life?

I can't decide, and it's becoming a rather serious problem, seeing as I lack money, and skills.

I also keep changing my mind, which is both irritating and sad - a dangerous combination.

Sometimes I want to be a journalist, because I worship Hunter S. Thompson. Only thing is, I kind of doubt I have the personality for it.

Sometimes I want to be a filmmaker, or a screenwriter, or a producer. Then I remember I'm not very good at any of those things. And, despite what everyone likes to say, I am NOT a good writer. I am funny on occasion, and good at silly, glib sayings. That is it. I am not profound or deep. And ALL my ideas are total rip-offs of other, better ideas. Not subtle ones, either. As in, 'let's change the main character's names and create a character that's just like me, only better.'

What I would be ideal at is writing scripts for TV shows that are already in production. But that doesn't seem very likely.

Sometimes I consider Forensic Psychology, because I like both psychology and serial killers. But I have no background, and kind of doubt that it would be like all the cool TV shows.

A lot of the time (most of the time) I want to get paid to analyze and discuss movies, and interview the people I admire. But I also think that's sort of lame. I'm torn between wanting to create, and knowing my creations are really shitty.

I even consider teacher, even though I don't like people that much, but that would be just a placeholder. Ditto lawyer.

So the real problem here, kiddos, is that I have both too many and not enough options. I'm creative, but not creative enough. I seriously spent over an hour looking for the E-Mail addresses of Joss Whedon, Tina Fey, Amy Sedaris, and Tim Burton, so I could offer my services as a coffee bitch. Anything.

I am only 22, but I'm already 22. And I have no life experience, terrible ideas, and no real career options. So! Unless you want me to continue whining endlessly, offer some advice/suggestions. Because right now I want to jump into a time machine (like the TARDIS) and hop into a universe where I know what the fuck to do.

Time is a factor here, people.

Oh, and thank you for the birthday wishes, to those who sent them. I'd update more, but as you can see I'm having issues, and not particularly entertaining at this juncture.
- LV

PS If Hugh Laurie wants to just marry me, and let me do his laundry and stare adoringly at him, that would be a totally fine life plan for me.

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The New Year Is Totally Unnecessary

But I got a new iPod, and a new computer, and am now spectacularly broke, so things are back to normal. And I'm back on the east coast, so all is well.

Saw WALK HARD: THE DEWEY COX STORY last night. It was funny and stupid and a lot of the jokes didn't work, but the music was surprisingly great, and John C. Reilly is fantastic [and I've liked him since before anyone, so BITE ME].

Also:
Jack White as Elvis
Justin Long as George Harrison
Paul Rudd as John Lennon
Jason Schwartzman as Ringo Starr
Jack Black as Paul McCartney
Jewel, Lyle Lovett, Jackson Browne, and Timbaland doing a tribute to Mr. Cox
Eddie FUCKING Vedder

That was worth the ticket price alone.

My birthday is in two days. I think that's why I want to set so many things on fire. Are CDs supposed to make grinding noises in the drive of your new computer? Very bad noise.

This is the first year I didn't make a list of resolutions. But I'll make one today, and we can all laugh at the false hopes for self-improvement. Trivia: who said it was like masturbation? Winner gets a prize.

Anyone see Obama PWN everyone last night? The man LOOKS like a President. And he gave a brilliant speech. But I wish politicians would be assholes to each others' faces. "My opponent fucks puppies." "My respected opponent pisses on the graves of orphans." It would be funny. And a lot more honest.

Hope the year hasn't kicked you too hard in the nuts yet.
- LV

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