Ugh.

I am totally sick with some mysterious wasting virus which apparently makes everything INSIDE my body desperate to get OUTSIDE my body by any means possible. I think it was featured on an episode of Firefly (and if the SHOW HADN'T BEEN CANCELLED I'D KNOW THE CURE).In between being sick, I also keep belching. So while I am overwhelmed with misery and pain, and unable to get more than fifty feet from the bathroom without extreme panic attacks, I humbly offer you all this funny article on what had better be the best movie ever. It made me laugh.Then I hurled again.Happy Holidays!- LV

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Not Even An Update, It Is So Small And Quick!

I am working on my year-end book reviews (and trying to keep them short and coherent), and reading two books I need to review, and working on an article, and preparing for the holidays, and writing, and substitute teaching.So expect a BUNCH of book reviews coming up, but less babbling from me for the moment, as I am busy AND tired.But to make up for it, I present to you the cutest mouse ever in the history of the universe:more animalsYou're welcome.- LV

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I Scream For Snow!

Huzzah for a full day off from EVERYTHING. The snow effectively cancelled school, trapped me in the home with books, and I drank tea and read and did NOTHING of consequence. NOTHING. It was AWESOME. I'm reading about five books at once. I don't quite know how this happened. I'd list them all, but at the moment they escape me.American Pastoral is located in an imaginary town very close to my real town. Which is cool, and unsettling, because my town is so freakishly small that even knowing about the larger nearby towns makes me feel violated. STAY OUT OF NEW JERSEY, Philip Roth! The book itself is quite good - it took a long time to get into it (nearly seventy pages), but now I'm sucked in.I'm also reading Interesting Times. Rincewind has always been my second favorite Discworld character, but I've never felt his books have lived up to the fun of his character. Even when he had great lines, the story itself was never up to par (see Sourcery, even though it had some good bits). With Interesting Times, I finally feel like the story is worthy of the character. Both are perfect. Also, on a personal level, I had a running joke in high school where I would say, "I'm sorry, I got excited, I thought I saw a potato" (please, please don't ask), so the potato joke filled me with a starchy sort of glee.I need to wrap presents, and drink more tea. Tea and books are great. So is snow, even if I do freeze my ass off every time I step outside for a cigarette.Finally, I used all my charm and feminine wiles to get some pizza dough tonight. Interpret that as you will.- ElleVee

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Life Lessons

My phone is in the shop. I miss it. I feel naked without. I keep feeling like I've lost it, and desperately searching around for it, only to remember it's at the phone hospital. Then I stand there like an ass.It's snowing a lot. I love the snow. I'm a lunch aid tomorrow, which amounts to just three hours of work, but I honestly don't mind the reduced pay for a day (especially since Thursday I have a kindergarten class for a whole day) since I'm a bit under the weather. Plus, I've worked every day this week (I know it's Tuesday, but after a near-year without a daily job, working three and a half guaranteed days seems like a lot), and with the weather being what it is, I'll most likely work on Friday as well. Bad weather means good times for the substitutes of the world.I got my Early Review book from LibraryThing. It's Three Minutes On Love by Roccie Hill. Despite the awful title, so far the book is surprisingly good. It's also a nice contrast to Soul Music, which also deals with rock music (or Music With Rocks In).Anyone else think Robert Downey, Jr. got shafted by the Golden Globes for Iron Man? And don't lay that Tropic Thunder shit on me - Tom Cruise got a goddamn nomination for it to. It was a really fun movie, but that's hardly the point, is it?It's cold. And I miss my phone. I'll get it back tomorrow, fingers crossed. But huzzah for sleeping in! And huzzah for snow!- LVEdit: How the HELL did I get 91 hits yesterday? Where did all these people come from? WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH ME?! Or was that just me reformatting? Hmmm....

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Education Is Good

Kindergartners are awesome. Like, totally amazing. They operate on a wholly different level from any other child. And they're exhausting, and violent, and loud, and hyper. But great. I really enjoy teaching them, and they're small and cute and funny, and I can actually help them with their math.My phone has been possessed. I can now receive text messages, and send them, but regular phone calls keep going directly to voice mail. No matter WHAT I do. I'm hoping that when I get paid I can take it in and get it fixed. That would make me deliriously happy. To, you know, be able to actually talk to my friends. Beyond text messages. Even though I love texting, and prefer it to most modern communication.I did my holiday shopping today. And got it ALL done. And didn't even buy myself anything in Borders, which may be an historic event worthy of news reports and a witty aside by Stephen Colbert. I'm just saying.The only downside to teaching is that at the end of the day, I'm ready for bed. I'm utterly wiped out. You're running around and have to be peppy and excited and happy and deal with a thousand and one crises, and you're not allowed to curse because the kids' heads will EXPLODE so I say 'Gosh' a lot, and you need to remember which kids will DIE if they eat peanuts and which kids need reading assistance and which kids communicate by throwing BLOCKS OF WOOD at each others' heads and... it's a lot. But it's also the best job I've ever had.- LV

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I'm Not Sure How I Feel About This

So, apparently my late husband Hunter S. Thompson's real-life widow Anita is considering using his sperm to have a baby.For those of you living under a rock, the Good Doctor died three years ago. He also has a son who has a son. So this kid would be born to a dead father, a half-brother, and a nephew several years older than him. I'm refraining from commenting, because all jokes about me being Hunter Thompson's spirit widow aside, the situation weirds me out in a big way. And yet, at the same time, I kind of think he'd find the whole thing funny. No, I mustn't get involved. that way lies madness.In other news, my phone is a piece of SHIT. WHY can I not MAKE OUTGOING CALLS?!In still other news, I now own 900 books, and am checking myself into a Promises-style rehab program as soon as one exists for book junkies.- LV

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Did Something Happen To Blogger?

Or have I been too busy and sleepy to notice? This is very likely. I don't like it. How do I post pictures? How do I do anything? I feel like someone came in and rearranged all my furniture while I was at work! Who do I complain to?! And what the everloving hell is a MIME Type? There are many things I know. That is not one of them.Edit: It appears to be working now. BUT FOR HOW LONG?!Little kids are strange. I'm sure I've said it before, and will again, but hey, it's true. Here is a conversation I had three minutes after walking into a kindergarten class:LV: Hi, I'm Miss Elle-Kid 1: Are you married?LV: I... what?Kid 2: Are you married?LV: Um... no.Kid 1: Why not?Kid 2: Are you engaged?Kid 1: Do you have a boyfriend?LV: Uh... have you been talking to my grandmother?Then they insisted on calling me 'Mrs.' all day, despite my gentle reminders of singledom. According to the other young single teacher, they do this to all women. It's just their way. But isn't that weird? Are all adults married in the minds of children? When did this start?My phone is still out of control, and my Gmail has collapsed for reasons I can't begin to suss out.It's raining and cold and foggy out. But I am warm, for once, and shall make tea and popcorn after a dinner of soup, and all will be well.I went to Borders today, ostensibly to buy a planner. And I did, and it's perfect and beautiful and only cost twenty bucks. Then I bought books. Of course:* Reading Lolita in Tehran: A Memoir in Books - Azar Nafisi* Long Way Gone: Memoirs of a Boy Soldier - Ishmael Beah* Interesting Times - Terry Pratchett.I'm trying to read more non-fiction. And finish the Discworld series. I still have thirteen or so books to buy before I own them all. I'm so happy - it will take me some time, since I only allow myself to read one at a time, so theoretically if Terry Pratchett doesn't get any sicker and writes a lot, my book supply could last another year or two. Is that a shallow reason for me to wish the man health? Yes, but I doubt he cares.Why does everything that isn't a book BREAK when I look at it? The internet is wonky, my phone HATES me for complicated reasons, and even the TV is flickering ominously. Maybe I have a poltergeist. I'm working tomorrow, then I get to enjoy a blessed weekend of- no, wait, scratch that. I have to spend the weekend with my grandparents and other assorted relatives, because my older cousin is getting married (so guess who gets to hear the 'spinster speech' yet again? I've told my grandmother very calmly that if Hugh Laurie gets a divorce, or if James Franco or Adrien Grenier calls her, I will be married in a heartbeat. But barring that, there's slim pickings for eligible men-folk in Jersey. Besides, I'm 22 (almost 23 - ugh), and it's not like people my age should be getting married anyway, generally. She makes me feel like I'm forty-five, and obligated to provide a male heir to a fading empire). I'll bring a lot of books, and my broken phone, and try to make it through with a touch of dignity.I'm hungry. Is dinner ready yet?- LV

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What The Effing Eff Is Wrong With My Computer?

The mouse WORKS, but only on SOME webpages, and I can't access my Gmail (or rather, I can, but I cannot CLICK on any of the E-Mails, so I get a tantalizing hint of the subject matter in the first line, and THAT'S IT. Even LibraryThing is mocking me! And even this Blogger window is all weird, which is why I have no links. Did the internet just brain-snap? Because I feel like we should have a contingency plan for that sort of thing. I can't comment on LT, for Christ's sake! This is akin to a national emergency! Edit: OK, It appears LT is working for the moment. And Gmail. So you can all stop panicking. You need to remain CALM in a crisis, like me.Edit, Again: And it's not working again. My patience is NOT epically long.Edit, Redux: It's working. I am emotionally shattered for the day.I'm awake because I have work today (kindergarten aid). I'm glad for a number of reasons (and since I love lists, here's another!).* I get money. Say what you will, having money is far more pleasant than not having money. Also I don't have to borrow cash from my ten year old brother at fifteen percent interest just to buy a goddamn cup of coffee.* I don't have to been until 11, and while that means I admittedly get LESS money, I still get money, and anyway I LIKE sleeping, and may start a political party around the four-hour workday. I think such things.* I'm an aid, not the sole teacher (I hope), which is a huge relief because frankly the last class I had slammed me on my ass. That rhymed. * Since I'm working, I don't have to go to my class tonight! Huzzah! I knew the local educational system wouldn't let me down!I finished The Crimson Petal and the White last night. Whenever I finish a big, hefty book, I feel like strangers should applaud me, or at least be impressed. The usual reaction when I gush about finishing a Big Book, however, is a blank stare and either a hesitant smile or the slow reach for the pepper spray. I need a planner. It's nice to need a planner, but I'm a little bit insane about them. They need to have a full page for each day, have a plain cover (no cats or puppies, because while those things are adorable, they have no place on a planner), and look solid, like they won't compulsively explode in my bag for no reason (this has happened to me, and the cover had hearts on it, so I rest my case). I may go today after work to get one, but Borders' selection is paltry at best, and I don't really know where to get a nice one that isn't over thirty dollars. Life is SO HARD, or maybe I am that lazy.Gmail can go fuck right off, because it's not working and I hate it. What else? I felt like I had a lot of interesting and intelligent things to say, but that must have been my sleep-filled brain. Go read The Crimson Petal and the White, because it's very interesting and really long, and I want someone to discuss it with. I had a dream last night, and I was wearing that dress I saw at Zara's, once again PROVING that I should have BOUGHT it, because Dream-Elle looked very good in it, if I do say so myself.- LV

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There Is No Trouble So Great Or Grave That Cannot Be Much Diminished By A Nice Cup Of Tea

I like that quote. I have no idea who said it, but I bet they made kick-ass tea.Things That Are Contributing To My Shitty Mood* LibraryThing is down, rendering the entirety of the internet USELESS.* House last night was both one of the funniest ever, and inarguably the corniest ever. Although I laughed and clapped at the Sherlock Holmes reference. * I didn't have work today, which in a short period of time I've come to rely on to sort of shape my days.* Hormones. They suck. I like in Terry Pratchett's world, when you die your hormones no longer cloud your thinking. It's a winder the suicide rate in Discworld isn't much higher.* It's raining, which normally makes me happy as a pig in shit, but today is just making me even sadder, probably because I had to stand in it for a full ten minutes while my mother rummaged for her keys, soaking me through and making my hair look like a sad, dead rat.* I went shopping, which can also make me happy as pig in ecstasy-laced shit, but only when I have money. Which I don't, currently.* While shopping, I was gushing over an amazing dress in Zara's, debating if I should ask for it for Christmas, when my mother kindly answered, "Why would you buy that? It's not like you have anywhere to wear it to." Thanks, Mom.* My phone has once again lost its mind on a profoundly deep level (I can't access my address book, can only text sometimes, and the phone has been calling itself. I didn't know these problems EXISTED), and I don't have any money to replace it, and my warranty has run out.* I'm cold.* I wanted to buy the Rosetta Stone program to learn Italian, due to my recent reading material, and the program is $500. That is a shitload of money. Which I do not have.The above list is embarrassingly shallow, but I am indeed in a foul mood, and just very sad. I need a hug. From Hugh Laurie.I finished Heat last night, which I loved. I learned quite a bit about history, and Italian food, and how to say 'dick' in Italian, which due to my personality is the ONLY word I remember from the whole freaking book. Now I'm desperate to go back to Italy and become a teacher in some poor mountain town, and start a torrid affair with the local butcher, who is gifted with meat but secretly longs to be an artist, and I'll inspire him and he'll feed me and I'll write my memoirs and they will be made into a movie with Angelina Jolie playing the part of me, and my surly Italian paramour can be played by Javier Bardem, who is not Italian but is so horrifyingly sexy that I'll let it slide, and anyway it's a movie people.I'm going to lie down. It might be best for everyone.- LV

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Did I Fall Into A Time Loop?

OK, so my phone just alerted me that I had two missed calls. Nothing unusual, I rarely have my phone on me when I'm at home. But apparently these two missed calls, from my good friend Sa, were missed LAST WEEK. And then I got a voicemail. From LAST WEEK. And in that time, I've had phone calls and voicemails and text messages.So the question is: which of us got a ride with the Doctor on the TARDIS. And why wasn't it me?- LV

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I'm Dreaming Of A Random Randomness

This morning, when my mom woke me up for work, I blearily told her I was in fact already dressed, and that my hair looked great. I was under the covers at the time. Luckily, she didn't believe me.Kindergarteners are a trip, man. They're like almost human. They look like tiny humans, and speak English, but their world is completely different from ours. They're also the most violent group I've dealt with yet. Their culture demands sacrifices to Cookie Monster, or maybe Elmo, the Blood God.I love love LOVE The Crimson Petal And The White. My problem with most historical writing is how sanitized it is - everything is clean and sparkly, and nobody pees or gets sick, and if they do, it's Delicate Wasting Disease, where the women are lovely and pale, and fade away tragically. Also, the writing usually sucks. But Michael Faber's writing is incredible; the whole style is so unusual, and the details are remarkable. I'm really enjoying it. I want to finish it this time. It's just such a heavy book. I can't bring it with me when I'm out and about.I really really REALLY hope I get to work on Thursday. Because I don't want to go to my last writing class. Because I haven't done the assignment from last week. And I don't know the assignment for this week. And the class is boring and stupid, and takes forever to get to, and there are no cute guys (shallow, yes, but my commute to this goddamn class is almost five hours, and I think I deserve an attractive male to stare at for all my effort). And I'd much rather make money. Except for this blog, I haven't been writing. At all. I don't think it's writer's block - I have two ideas for short stories, both weird and no doubt inspired by endless Borges reading - but when I sit at my computer, words fail to come. It's annoying, and depressing. So much of my inner life is based on writing, and I can't do it. I'm frustrated. And today my mother told me that she doesn't think these books are going to be The Books, but eventually I'll write a few great ones. On one hand, that's very complimentary. On the other, I want to yell and scream and insist that THESE books are going to be the first on my journey to greatness, and will shock the world with my brilliance. Then I go eat cranberry sauce sandwiches, which are delicious.I want to go shopping. I only get paid monthly. So I HAVE money, but not really. Metaphorical money. I need books, so many books. And clothes. Lots and lots of clothes.Career-wise, I'm thinking of education and law. Or criminology. These are the things I like, and I just have to decide which one I'm going to pursue first. As everyone keeps telling me, I'm young, and I can change careers. And judging by the increasing number of magazines and newspapers going under, journalism may not be the safest career choice.Did you hear Russell Brand may be in the remake of Arthur? Did you hear my screams of joy and delight following this knowledge? Some remakes make Elle squeal. Most make her weep.- LV

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I'm Know I'm Supposed To Be Out Drinking And Partying On A Saturday Night...

But instead I agreed to babysit, because I need the cash. My brother had a friend over, so they kept to themselves.It started snowing. The first snow of the season. I made some hot tea, popped a bowl of popcorn, curled up on the couch, and finished Collected Fictions by Jorge Luis Borges, which was wonderful and surreal and, in a strange way, perfect for a snowy night in New Jersey.And after a long, stressful week, and what looks like a truly hellish holiday on the horizon, it was just a really pleasant evening. - LVPS Of course, after reading so much Borges I start to think that maybe I'm not myself, that I'm just a dream of a dream of myself, or that another version of me, older and bitter, is going to wander by and threaten me with my own future, or that I'll go outside for a cigarette and find two dark, dangerous men in a knife-fight, and I will be thrown to the winner as chattel, or that when I step outside the air won't be cold and crisp, but hot and arid, and I will be in the labyrinth with the minotaur, and a blue tiger will be on my tail (or is it the tail of my dream?).So I'm going to go smoke a cigarette, believe in reality, and read Heat: An Amateur's Adventures as Kitchen Slave, Line Cook, Pasta-Maker, and Apprentice to a Dante-Quoting Butcher in Tuscany, because cooking is about order and precision, and Mario Batali would SHANK anyone's dream who dared wander into his kitchen.PPSS On the TV, I just noticed this OLD Nickelodeon short called "The Prometheus and Bob Tapes" and I laughed out loud. Anyone remember it? Aliens and cavemen? Little clay people? AWESOME. I miss Nickelodeon before it sucked.

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Sleepy...

I could talk about two days of substitute teaching, and working with severely autistic children, and how much I love it, and the fun adventure of buying the new J.K. Rowling book, or how I am woefully behind in phone calls/E-Mails/text messages, or even how my brother is trying to convince me that Spongebob is somehow inspired by the works of Shakespeare (he's ten, and his logic is pretty brilliant), but I'm not going to.Because I'm tired. And dealing with stomach issues.So I'm going to make a list of books I own that I still need to read, and I'll post it when I'm done. I'd already be sleeping, but I promised my sibling I'd watch Home Improvement with him, and it's at 9:00 P.M. I may pass out before then. And I have work again tomorrow, so I need my rest. I get first graders tomorrow. So far I've had second graders, third graders, and fourth graders. This severely autistic little girl looked at me, said, "One day, I will be a woman just like you," and hugged me round the middle. I nearly bawled, especially when the other helpers told me she doesn't like touching people.Kids can be awesome. When they aren't drooling or sneezing or screaming- LV

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The Call

Why am I awake at this ungodly, and some would say imaginary, hour? You read right, kids - I got The Call. Today will be my first day substituting. At my brother's school, no less, which will not please him. I have very mixed feelings about all this.* Money is good. I will get money for working.* I have been suffering from a bought of insomnia, and didn't get to bed until around 2:00 A.M. My alarm went off around 5:45 A.M. I've been awake ever since.* I think substitute teaching will be fun.* I won't be able to smoke all day, and might try to smoke the kids. * It's the special reading class, and if I can do anything it's read.* My bed is very warm and snuggly, and the outside world fails to be so.* I actually have something to do today!There's more, but I can't type right now. Will report from the front, if I make it out of grade school alive.- LV

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Work Is Tough

A long, semi-productive day. For the people who called/text me today, I apologize - my phone was nearly dead, and I had to preserve all my batteries for phone calls of an important nature.I spent the day at the mall, applying at every store that was hiring. My hands hurt from filling out job applications. My face hurts from smiling at people in the hopes that they would give me a job. And my head hurts from the music half these goddamn stores insist on blasting at top volume. Being forced to scream to ask for a job does not bode well.All in all, I applied to about twenty stores, most of which were hiring. And I had an 'interview' at Victoria's Secret, sort of. And I applied at Borders (and bought books, because I HAVE A PROBLEM, AND IT WAS SO HARD TO GO INTO ZARA AND NOT BUY THE PRETTY GREEN COAT THAT WAS MEANT FOR ME! DEAR GOD WHY MUST MY LOVE BE UNFULFILLED AND SO EXPENSIVE?). And now I'm going to lie here and sulk, because no matter where I look I can't find my goddamn copy of Hellboy 2, and I'm starting to wonder if I even bought it, even though I KNOW I did, and it's even listed on my LibraryThing, and LT would NEVER lie to me.So I'm going to be sad, and long for my Hellboy trade paperback, and the forbidden green coat of love, and watch the Hellboy movies, because Ron Perlman makes me happy. And I'll E-Mail and call and text people tomorrow. Honest.- LV

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I Wonder If Shakespeare Had These Problems...

I just can't seem to write. As in, take the story I've written by hand and work on the second draft. I still really like it, and it's fun, and I have the next few chapters mapped out, but I can't write it.My notebook is sitting here, pages open and waiting to be typed up and made good, and instead I'm vacantly surfing LibraryThing (which I may need a break from for a few days, because I have too much fun on it), and updating my Amazon wishlist, even though I'm not getting an presents this year.I got to see my friend Kaje, which was both awesome and awful, because it just reminds me how much I miss her, and how lonely and BORING life is here in New Jersey.Tomorrow I'm going to call the mall and see if they're hiring for seasonal positions. If they don't call me for substitute work, that is. As for the rest of Sunday, i think I'm going to curl up with Borges, and not even pretend to write. Why sully myself further?I want to go shopping. A lot. I also kind of want to set a certain close relative on fire, because he's being a miserable prat, but that's another story. One that would involve the police, and possibly FOX News. And barbecue.I may also reorganize my books. That means shifting the piles around, in an order that only I can comprehend, and that someone will inevitably fuck up because NOBODY understands the complex inner-workings of the rat maze that is my mind.Rambling is bad. I will stop immediately.- LV

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Silver Lining To The Dark Rain Cloud Of Retail

I'm really sleepy, but I don't want to go to sleep. I don't feel like it, mentally, even though physically I'm exhausted and could probably do with a solid sixteen hours of uninterrupted rest. I keep reloading the page on the LibraryThing message board, but nobody's talking.I have a book beside me to read, but for some reason I just stare at it stupidly, rather than picking it up and, you know, reading it.Would it be tragic if I wanted to work at the Apple store solely because the guy who helped me today was incredibly cute and charming, even if it's highly possible that he was still in high school? Yeah, tragic is a good word. Creepy is too. Possibly illegal, if he's underage. Also, my knowledge of computers is essentially, "Bang it with a rock and yell curse words at it for a while, then call Technical Support in tears." They really need to start calling me to substitute. The idea of returning to the Wide, Wonderful World Of Retail makes my spleen explode. Then again, I WOULD get an employee discount at Zara... See? I AM thinking positively! - LV

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Post-Turkey Coma

So... much... food...I've spent the majority of the holiday weekend so far fighting with relatives and reading like my life depends on it. This literary mania is frustrating because I have many other things that people want me to do, and they KEEP INTERRUPTING MY BOOK HAPPY. Bastards. * Girl With A Pearl Earring was surprisingly good. I really expected it to be similar to The Other Boleyn Girl (which I must admit I haven't read, so don't know anything about, although the movie was so ridiculous it almost makes me want to read the book), but it was much more about the time period and the art, and I enjoyed it. * The Graveyard Book made me cry, which is always a good sign. It may be my favorite Neil Gaiman book, even if it did have vampires and werewolves. It's a kid's book, but like the best children's books, it's really not.I'm kind of obsessed with the idea of reading 100 books in 2008. I don't know why. I like nice, round numbers. I do know that, despite the fact that I read ridiculously fast without speed reading, and that my social life is in critical condition because everyone is so busy, and that I'm mostly still unemployed, I probably won't make it to 100 books this year unless I 'cheat' and read all the picture books I own that were given to me when I worked at the publishing house. And while I did read comics this year, intentionally reading short books solely to reach a quota strikes me as morally dishonest, and a wee bit sad. So I'm not doing that. I'm following my standard To Be Read Pile behavior: grab the first one off the nearest pile, and start reading. If it doesn't hold my interest for whatever reading, throw it to the back of the pile and grab another.I have, seriously, a shitload of books. My LibraryThing account (which you should all have, because it's the BEST THING ever, and Joe Hill once wrote me a comment because of it) says I own 886 books, and I know for a fact I have a few floating around that have yet to be catalogued (and, horrifyingly, a few that have been lost to time and friends who don't understand my psychotic book obsession). Which is a lot. (It also says I haven't read 387 books in my collection, and can't identify one of the Hellboy comics I own, proving once again that nothing is perfect, although LT is as close as anything on the forsaken internet can ever hope to get.)And right now, some are upstairs in my old room, jammed into bookshelves too small to contain them, and some are down here, in a dozen piles ten high, threatening to crush me under knowledge. And I want more. I'm sure this is some sort of compulsion, and I have a terminal illness that cannot be cured by books, and I'll die in a house made entirely of books that will erupt into flames when I try to light a cigarette.I like books. What can I say? Perfect shopping spree? Going to Shakespeare & Co (in France - hey, it's a fantasy) followed by Anthropologie, Sephora, Zara, and all those designer boutiques I'm not allowed in now because the workers can smell the fact that I'm not obscenely wealthy.And so much for coherency. I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving, and that your relatives weren't too infuriating, and that the food was good and didn't give you indigestion, and that the clean-up was quick and easy. Because none of that was true for me, and there is no dignity in wanting to bitch slap a senile, 83-year-old woman. - LV

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Personality Types

It's a very special type of person who feels a pain in their rib cage area and immediately thinks 'lung cancer.'It's a whole different level when, after having this thought, they go off and have a cigarette.I'm just saying.- LVPS I know it is highly unlikely that I have lung cancer, and I don't even KNOW if a most likely muscular pain is one of the symptoms. However, IF one day it turns out I AM sick with this horrible disease, I'm using this entry as proof that I am a psychic, and totally starting a Miss Cleo-esque hotline. What happened to Miss Cleo? I miss her sassy wisdom.

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Quitting Is Awesome

I may have to give up on Interview With The Vampire. I've been trying to read it again - I've tried before, but given up. I just HATE these characters. Like, really. Every page I read, I pray that the next line will be, "...And then Louis was killed tragically, and never whined like a little bitch again, and Lestat died too." Then the next few hundred pages would be a description of their bodies rotting. I'm serious - I would rather read hundreds of pages about decomposition than one more line of Louis pontificating on how miserable and angsty he is, and "What does it all mean?" At least the movie had Brad Pitt and his silky, flowing hair.I'm still reading it, but it's a chore. I'm not enjoying myself. I want to give up, and sheer stubbornness is the only thing keeping me going. Maybe I don't get vampire literature. Or maybe Anne Rice just sucks. Both are possible.Anyway. I'm still alive, despite the lack of blogging. There's some heavy things going on at the home base, and it's keeping me from blogging/E-Mailing/having a social life. Which is, you know, fun. Nothing I enjoy more than worrying all the time and having no fun, aside from reading. Is 2008 over yet? Because, seriously, this year has sucked. I'm very excited about House tonight, because it's an extended episode, and it looks like Thirteen might finally die and stop pissing me off, although the plot sort of reminds me of that shitty movie Desperate Measures, with Michael Keaton. Whatever happened to him? He made White Noise, and fell off the face of the Earth. Do you remember what a big deal Multiplicity was when it came out? How the mighty have fallen.Oh, and last week's episode made me cry. For those who haven't seen it, skip this paragraph. I was fine the whole episode, and not even that involved. Todd Louiso was in it, which was nice - he was great in High Fidelity - but I was sort of bored, until House yelled at him about being a coward who had wanted nothing more than to put flowers on his girlfriend's grave. AND HE COULDN'T. BECAUSE HE WAS AGORAPHOBIC. And I cried. Then when he finally MANAGED to go out, with that one goal in mind, I CRIED SOME MORE. And then, when House went to Cuddy's but couldn't go in, and just lurked outside like the hottest stalker in history, I cried again. I think I have some real emotional problems. I completely agree with this, but I still love the damn show. I also am going to petition Fox - a patient NEEDS to poop their lungs. The world would be a better place.I really want to buy a new wardrobe. And about fifty books (my amazon wishlist AND my clothing wishlists are out of control). But I can't. I have no money, and while I am on call as a substitute, they haven't CALLED me just yet. Even though I've been waking up at 5:45 AM in case I get the damn call. So that's life. Reading, worrying, and dreaming of expensive clothes and leather-bound books, and avoiding most of my friends because frankly I can't handle their drama on top of my own.Next I'll be posting December upcoming movies. Even though I didn't get to see many movies this month. Seriously, I need to move out of Jersey to a place where people DO STUFF. This state is DULL.- LV

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I Like The Cold, But This Is A Bit Much

My house is freezing. I've convinced myself I can see my breath, even though I know I can't.I love how thorough my dreams are. Especially my zombie dreams. They are ridiculous in their level of detail. And logic. While most of my dreams are about, like, giant ants singing show tunes while I dance in spaghetti soup, my zombie apocalypse dreams are ALWAYS realistic. It's kind of sinister.Last night's zombie apocalypse dream was entertaining, so I'm going to tell you about it. Me, and several people were stuck in a house. I barricaded all the doors (because, of course, nobody else was prepared for the zombie apocalypse, and how they MOCKED ME), packed an escape bag, and collected weapons. It didn't go as well as it could have. There were too many goddamn zombies, and STUPID people in my group, who opened the goddamn door and let them in, and we lost several people. But I got out, and this awkward cute guy who kept talking about the TV show Gargoyles (stress does weird things to people, and what could be more stressful than the zombie apocalypse?), but we lost my grandparents, and possibly my dead uncle.Then the dream went into some weird thing about cooking the heads of goats, and which way their teeth show be facing, and... let's not analyze that, OK?I'm sure you've all seen this video, but it is both hilarious and disturbing, and perfectly encompasses how oblivious Sarah Palin truly is to what's going on RIGHT BEHIND HER. Seriously, ALL SHE HAS TO DO IS TURN AROUND. And when she does, she doesn't realize that things are dying horribly behind her. I do love the creepy, beatific smile on the guy's face. And the headlines underneath are glorious. Whoever wrote those deserves a raise. I am not even dealing with what Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz named their firstborn child. In fact, I'm not even typing it. Or linking to it. Go look. It hurts my head. I give up. My own baby names are BORING by comparison (one's Hunter, and one's Kurt, and yes they're both after authors, and yes it's a long list, what of it? I like lists). It's almost December, so I may be working on imaginary Christmas wish lists on Amazon and Sephora and expensive online clothing boutiques, even though A) I already got my Christmas present for the year, and B) Nobody in my family EVER looks at my wish lists, and I either get socks or items completely inappropriate for my age.More Zombie stuff (I'm in a zombie mood. Leave me alone. I might even reread Max Brook's essential work, just in case):* What you'll need to survive a zombie attack, at least in the beginning. I would say some of this stuff isn't necessary, if you know the area, but better safe than sorry.* Actually, this whole site is glorious and brilliant, and might save your life one day.You know what? One of the next posts will be Zombie Mayhem. Because it's my duty to educate you all. Of all the crises that can affect the world, the ONLY one I am prepared for is the zombie apocalypse. Sure, laugh now. You'll thank me later. (Incidentally, for some reason I think Victoria Beckham might survive the zombie apocalypse as well. Don't ask me why, except that she has short hair and seems to be kind of badass. Or maybe I just don't want to live in a world where David Beckham is zombie food. It's really a toss-up.)Get your supplies together... cold weather means they decompose more slowly, and you'll need more supplies to survive.I'm just saying.- LVPS Amazon NEEDS to stop recommending me the following authors/bands/actors, because I DO NOT LIKE THEM:* Nora Roberts* Will Smith* Ryan Adams (except when he's with Courtney Love, because their insanity joins together in glorious harmony)Also, sometimes when I click on one thing on Amazon, it adds another to my Wishlist, which makes me angry and confused. Me and Amazon have many, many issues.

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Smug Superiority Warms Even The Coldest Nights

This is one of those times where I write several drafts of the blog entry, deleting each one after I realize they don't make an awful lot of sense.So let's sum it up in the most succinct way possible:Twilight got mediocre to downright shitty reviews. HAHA. So even though everyone involved will be super rich and famous, and have beautiful interesting people fawning all over them and get to go on Iron Chef America as a judge, I can rest easy knowing I was right about how shiteous their movie would be.Hollow victory, anyone?- LVPS The only reason I want to be famous is so that I can be a guest judge on Iron Chef America. That's it The rest means nothing to me. And, if I get any say, I'll be torn between Mario Batali - because he's big and jolly and his food always looks incredible - or Bobby Flay, because I would LOVE to bitch and moan about his food, and watch his face get progressively redder as I whined, "But I don't like chipotle!" Of course, he seems like the type of guy who'd follow you to your car and beat you with the remains of his meal. So maybe let's just go with Mario, OK?

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The Randomness Calls To You

So. I'm under the weather, and dealing with forces beyond my control, and saving ALL the court transcripts for my autobiography, which I've tentatively titled, Pour Me Another Vodka And Let Me Light My Cigarettes Off Your Hair, because that seems like a fun way to spend the day right now, what with the physical pain, and the cold weather, and the fact that I have class tonight, and REALLY don't want to get off the couch.Did you know they're remaking Rosemary's Baby? Do you have any idea how furious this makes me? WHY would anyone need to remake that movie? What director has the hubris to imagine they can make a better movie than Roman Polanski? AND HAVE YOU SEEN WHO THEY WANT TO CAST IN THIS CINEMATIC DISCHARGE? Lindsay Lohan. Jessica Alba. Blake Lively (who I really like in Gossip Girl, and therefore I don't want her involved in this nightmare). And Ginnifer Goodwin (who I also really like on Big Love, even though I can't watch that show regularly because I start to think that polygamy isn't that bad if my husband was as nice as Bill Paxton, and my sister wives could be Ginnifer Goodwin and Jeanne Tripplehorn, although not Chloe Sevigny, because her crazy might be catching). BUT JESSICA ALBA! AS ROSEMARY. MY HEAD EXPLODES FROM THIS, AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY. GOD. WHO THE HELL MAKES THESE DECISIONS, AND WHERE DO THEY LIVE?!I thought I had more to say, but I have an article to write, and my E-Mail is totally wonking out on me, and I might need to lie down for a few minutes before I can MOVE.- LVPS Did that make ANY sense?

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Silence Is Golden

Minor (read: major, but I don't feel like going into it) issues in the Real World.Will update later today, or tomorrow.In the meantime, look at all the books I read this year!- LV

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While The Cat's Away

If you've been idly wondering, "Gee, where has ElleVee been this week?" I have an answer. Not an excuse, but a completely justified answer: Pink Eye.What is pink eye, you ask? Good question. Our friends at Wikipedia define it as,

Conjunctivitis (commonly called "Pink Eye" or "Red Eye" in North America, and "Madras eye" in India) is an inflammation of the conjunctiva (the outermost layer of the eye and the inner surface of the eyelids), most commonly due to an allergic reaction or an infection (usually viral, but sometimes bacterial).

What the article fails to explain is the sensation of getting up in the middle of the night with discomfort in your eyes, flipping on the bathroom light, and falling down at the excruciating pain piercing your skull like a knife. The article fails to describe having to wear sunglasses indoor, and being unable to look at any light at all without sobbing in agony. The article also fails to mention the utter delight of walking straight into the side of your car, and ending up sprawled on your ass in your driveway while your mother tries desperately not to laugh.Poor Wikipedia, so incomplete. But yes, that's been the past few days for me. Unable to read, unable to watch TV, unable to go on my computer without mind-shattering pain. So I apologize for the lack of blogging over the past few days, but pink eye pwned my sorry ass, and I was stuck in a bored daze for a while.But I'm back! And I'm healing! The computer is no longer my enemy! Oh, computer, I knew you wouldn't betray me!And on a completely unrelated note, I wonder if John McCain showed Joe Biden his collection of human skulls during the tour of the Vice-Presidential mansion, or if he's just going to throw them under Biden's bedcovers as a welcome surprise.Finally, Sarah Palin made a nasty comment about bloggers sitting in their parent's basement, writing in their pajamas. And my rebuttal: Well, Ms. Palin, what's wrong with that? Who says I can't writing biting, clever political observations and profound philosophical statements in my New School sweatshirt and Life Is Good pajama bottoms with the snowboarding dogs? Who are you to judge me? Would you prefer if I mocked you while wearing a suit? Or pointed out your grammatical and factual errors dressed in a nice skirt and heels? Would that ease the pain?And have you SEEN my parents' basement? It's pretty sweet. It has a bed, and a big TV with a DVD player, and I have my own bathroom. And it's much better than living in a basement apartment with giant roaches intent on crawling in any unprotected orifice, and giant nuclear rats bent on world domination. True, I can't hunt moose from my basement, but we all have to deal with certain sacrifices, RIGHT? In conclusion, fuck you, you lost, shut the hell up, go back to obscurity, and stop talking about shit you don't understand. YOU DON'T KNOW MY LIFE. Plus, you named your kid TRIG. Which makes me think of trigonometry, which really isn't the image a child wants to conjure when going through life. I'm just saying - your judgement is a little suspect.OK. I feel better now.- LVPS Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa may be the most disturbing film ever released. Have you ever seen hippo foreplay? No? I have. And let me tell you - it is not the thing you want to put your eyes through when they've just started to heal from pink eye.PPSS I had to write an article on the movie. I went under extreme duress. And I didn't pay. So my smug superiority is intact. Huzzah!

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I Have Spent Way Too Much Time Puzzling Over What To Title This Entry, So I'm Giving Up

I just wrote an obscenely long post that was funny in bits, but made almost entirely no sense.It was about why I'm up so late, and had funny bits about my friends, who are wonderful, and Doctor Who, and Gossip Girl, and a long paragraph on the major differences between Terry Pratchett and Douglas Adams, and a defense of Harry Potter vs. Twilight, and a whole long section on writing, and another funny-if-disgusting- paragraph on getting a tick out of my dog's neck.And I just deleted ANOTHER long, borderline incoherent paragraph trying to explain myself, so I think I'll just chuck the whole endeavor and get some sleep. - LVPS Flavor-Blasted Goldfish Crackers are vastly superior to the original, non-Blasted version.

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Not Quite Insomnia

So, while working on my article, I might have just downloaded a song from Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star simply because it has Corey Feldman singing in it. So? What of it? Going to smoke a cigarette, go to sleep, wake up, and put the final touches on my piece. Then go do something fun. Something that involves shopping, horror movies, and deep conditioner for my hair. There IS something that has all these aspects, and I WILL find it. - LV

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It's Not Procrastinating If I've Been Working All Day

As you may have cleverly inferred from the title of this entry, I've been working all day on an article for my friend Kaje's magazine (she doesn't OWN the magazine, although that would indeed be cool, and I would relocate to be assistant editor-in-chief, and totally make the interns cry and pretend I was Anna Wintour), and it's coming along nicely, but very slowly, for a few reasons.A) My brother has no school, and it's raining, so every five minutes he runs down the stairs and screams/hits me/farts/asks me horrifyingly inappropriate sexual questions that no ten-year-old show know.B) The dog is cooped in because of the rain, and is working off his frustration by jumping on me and scratching the shit out of my neck. My brother actually commented that my neck looks like a vampire tried to give me a hickey but I moved away just in time, leading me to wonder A) if this is the universe's revenge for me making merciless fun of the idiocy that is Twilight, and B) exactly when did my little brother learn about hickies? It's such a strange disparity - the kid still thinks girls have cooties, and yet he's running down here asking me questions about blow-jobs and nipples. At his age, I knew not of such things, and I don't think I was slow or repressed. HAS THE AGE GAP WIDENED SO MUCH? GET OFF MY LAWN!C) My mother keeps running down the stairs to ask me how the article is going, which is really not helpful when you're trying to work, as it either distracts me from my train of thought, or scares the shit out of me, since my mom is apparently studying to be a ninja, and keeps leaping down the stairs like she is a second away from snapping my neck like a brittle twig.D) Since it's raining, and my brother recently learned about Secondhand Smoke, smoking is kind of hard.But it is coming along, and I enjoy writing anything, particularly something I'm assigned, so I'm not complaining about the work itself (after all, I will never complain about working. I've been unemployed (except for freelancing) for nearly a year now. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE INHERENT TRAGEDY THERE? True, I went to Europe for a while, and a few members of my family tragically died, and I had to move home, and there were a lot of FACTORS, but it's hard to explain that to a potential employer without sounding like I'm a complete nutjob. Which I'm not. Usually.) but about all the little things keeping me from the work.And changing the subject completely and utterly, I have found the scariest freaking toy in the history of the universe: OK, the picture may not fully capture the horror of this toy. First of all, it talks. In a shrill British accent that reminds me of nothing so much as Robin Williams in Mrs. Doubtfire. And asks you to do things, like tear it open and put tiny people in its fully decorated interiors. Its eyes move, and it KNOWS what you're doing with its furnished insides. Yeah, yeah, you can tell me the toy sings pretty songs and teaches you lessons about hygiene, and manners, and morals. But for real: what the hell does a house know about hygiene? Clean gutters and no wet spots on the rug? And manners? Where does this bitch get off telling me about manners? If the house doesn't collapse on you, it's polite. So if I don't fall on top of people in public, I am a model of genteel behavior.Also, the pastel coloring makes me nauseous.Also, I keep wondering what happens when the tiny people inside her learn that Mrs. Goodbee has actually EATEN them, and that they have precious minutes to learn manners and rock the crying baby before her stomach acids eat through their tender flesh.This is why I shouldn't leave the television playing on Nickelodeon when I'm working. Her voice distracted me enough that I had to write this entry. There were weird toys when I was growing up (Troll dolls and Alf in all his incarnations, among others), but at least they weren't the demented granny of the house in Poltergeist.OK, back to work. - LVPS How do you like the new layout?PPSS My blog is getting a bizarre level of hits, and not that I'm complaining AT ALL (in fact, I thank you sincerely), but from whence did you come? PPPSSS I know I misspelled 'stories' in the poll on the side, with an extra 'e' thrown in for shits and giggles, but I can't edit it, so we're all going to pretend it was intentional, because it irks me every time I look at it. Stop mocking me.

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Vampires & Wizards Are Not Real, But They Totally Should Be

I needed a day of rest after Election Blogging Mania. I think you all understand. My hands are permanently bent into claws, I think I have a motor-neuron disease. But the funny, imaginary kind.Thanks so much to everyone who read, commented, and voted in the election. Tuesday was one of the most amazing days in my life, and in the history of our country. I really appreciate all the support, and positive comments. You guys are fantastic! You made the whole experience worthwhile. And enough sweetness and light. What else can I say? Now that Sarah Palin isn't a threat to my reproductive rights, or sanity, I can go back to viewing her as a highly entertaining nutjob. Did you hear she didn't know Africa was a continent? A few days ago, that would have filled me with fear. Now it fills me with humor, and smug superiority. I would give anything to be able to interview her:"Who wrote The Catcher In The Rye?""Where is Tibet?""Do you really believe Jesus killed the dinosaurs?""How many moons does Saturn have?""Are you designing a line of towels that women can wear out in public, so as to frighten and confuse their neighbors?" (She answered the door in a towel, and spoke to several McCain lackeys while wearing... a towel. I know a lot of people find her attractive, but really. Unless you're Heid Klum, public towel-wearing is never as sexy as you'd like to think.)I am already over Twlight-mania. Totally and completely. I don't GET it. I do not understand. I've said it before, but I will KEEP saying it until A) everyone comes to their senses, or B) someone can EXPLAIN this madness. Look, I get Harry Potter. The stories are dense and well-written and fun, and Snape is one of the most complex characters I've read about in years (and totally fulfills all my crush requirements - ugly, brilliant, cruel, damaged, ambiguous, talented, misunderstood, lonely, tragic, but don't start me on that or we'll be here a while). But Twilight... ehhh.And Robert Pattinson is not attractive. His accent is attractive - I am one of those girls who is a total sucker for any accent. When he speaks with his accent, I am putty in his hands. But come on, the guy admitted in public that he hasn't washed his hair in six weeks. That is over a month where no water has touched his head. That is repulsive. His hair has grown a complex social system in that time. if he washes his hair, it will be genocide. Soon PETA will be screaming to declare his head a protected area for an endangered species. I love me some grimy men (again, Snape, and sometimes Colin Farrell), but six weeks is edging him into the animal kingdom. And admitting it, like it's something to be proud of, or at least not to cause public vomiting. I feel bad for the people traveling with him. If we squeeze his hair, we'll have enough oil to solve the national shortage.Also, I don't find the pictures of him in character attractive. The guy is supposed to be HOT. Vampires on film have trouble with that - too often, they go for the 'pasty, decomposing' look. I think Gary Oldman looked hot in Dracula, when he wasn't wearing that insane hairpiece. And Spike was hot on Buffy The Vampire Slayer (I was never into Angel, even if I do prefer that show. He's too angsty. And his forehead is HUGE. As my friend Arre would say, "it's a FIVE-HEAD!") But Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise didn't do much for me in Interview With The Vampire, because Tom Cruise hasn't done anything for ANYONE in about twenty years, and Brad Pitt was also too angsty and fun-sucking to be worth any effort. Queen of The Damned sucked, and Stuart Townsend looks like he's about twelve. In fact, let's make a list of hot Vs. Not hot vampires. Why? Because it funducational. I promise to never use that word again.* Lost Boys I & II: My eyes and heart belong to Corey Feldman (STOP LAUGHING), but ignoring the ridiculous clothing, these were a hot bunch of vampires. They looked like pale, sexy people with sharp teeth. None of this washed-out crack-head look. And no one out-menaces Kiefer Sutherland. The second one sucked, of course, but it had Edgar Frog, so I will never complain. PS Can someone explain the point of that Laddie kid to me? The eighties were a very different time.* Vampire In Brooklyn: Eddie Murphy will never, ever be hot. Ever. Brooklyn does not need this.* Blade Trilogy: Stephen Dorff was hot in the first one. Ron Perlman is my love. Ryan Reynolds was a former vampire, so that counts. And Parker Posey was delightfully demented in the third one. Good-looking vampires in fun, crappy movies. Wesley Snipes seems like he wants to punch everyone, but my tattoo resembles his, so we're cool. Although mine isn't on my face. I don't think I could pull that off. Look at her hair! And her dead puppy wrap! Look at Ryan Reynold's... muscular, rippling back. Sorry, what were we talking about?* Underworld: Kate Beckinsale is a babe, and few people can pull off leather and rubber ensembles without looking like a failed dominatrix. But I can't remember anyone else in the movies, because they sucked. Vampires and werewolves are compelling to NO ONE (excluding that Twilight crowd). What does she do when she has to pee?* From Dusk Till Dawn; Hot vampire strippers (including Salma Hayek) make this a good-looking vampire crew. But I'm focused on Quentin Tarantino's crazy Richie Gecko, who not only inspired my own book, but is one of my longest-standing fictional crushes. Don't judge me. OK, they're not vampires. But I'm being generous! Quentin for me, and George Clooney with his awesome tribal tattoos for the rest of you! What's with vampire hunters and tattoos? It's sexy, that's what!* Interview With The Vampire: Going into more depth, the only vampire that is remotely sexy is Antonio Banderas (although Stephen Rhea rocks a top hat like few modern men can). Tom Cruise's wig is unintentionally a source of amusement, and Brad Pitt looks kind of like a chick in this movie. Also, the homoerotic subtext becomes text pretty quickly. LOOK at Tom Cruise's hair. WHO thought that would be sexy? Why am I not consulted on these matters?* Shadow Of The Vampire: Nosferatu is a brilliant, scary-as-hell flick, but no one will ever describe him as their ideal guy. And if they do, I really can't know about it. I have beliefs I must cling to. Ladies, your escort for the evening.* Dracula: Gary Oldman is hot (except in fifth Harry Potter film, where his hair is so bouncy and curly I want to dress him in velvet chaps and make him sing Christmas carols), but when he has that insane hairpiece, he reminds me of my grandmother. Not a recipe for romance. My, Grandma, what big teeth you have!* Twilight: Not yet a movie, but a book. And I've seen stills. And these people do not make me want to give up my immortal soul, or risk a grisly death. They make me want to buy them soap. Lots of soap. (Also, and this is from the book, the whole 'teen friendly' thing so they can't have sex totally infuriates me. It's such an easy cop-out. Wouldn't it be much more interesting for the characters to discuss this issue in depth, and try to find ways around it? Angel had sex with humans, and vampires, and while it occasionally made him go on a homicidal killing spree afterwards, he never cracked anyone's head or ripped them in two during the heights of passion. That would be hysterical. Maybe they wouldn't have cancelled Angel if they could have worked that into the plot.) Eternal life never looked so ick. In other news, I'm thinking of changing the layout for my blog. Or the name. Something. Suggestions?I'm cutting class tonight. But I still have to write the article (which I'm procrastinating by whining about unattractive vampires in television and movies).Also: Who wants to place bets that Will Smith is ALREADY gunning to play Obama in the inevitable movie? Anyone?I'm pretty sure Beyonce is insane, and not in the charming, kooky, intellectual way I approve of. Or maybe she's horribly dull, and has created an alter-ego in a desperate, sad attempt to seem fascinating. I don't care. Stop talking about her. I think I've regressed back to sixteen. I'm applying for a job at Barnes & Noble, living with my parents, and the other day I made a mix CD that included The Spice Girls, Bowling For Soup, Josie & The Pussycats, and Taking Back Sunday (which, along with Alkaline Trio, was the band I was stuck on during my epic relationship collapse that I don't talk about, because some things are too Soap Opera Life even for blogs). So twenty-two is a lot like sixteen, only I'm thinner and don't have blue hair or a tongue piercing (although I do have a tattoo), and my taste in men has improved, and I don't have to hide my smoking from my parents, and I like to think I dress better, and I can drink and drive (obviously not at the same time. I'm not a moron), and usually I like better music. I don't know if this is funny or depressing.Reading back over this, I have to say this is a bit of a random post. It's OK, I forgive me. Now I have to go write an article on vegan food. Joke as you will.- LV

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Election Day - 12:00 A.M.

11:01 P.M.MSNBC IS CALLING BARACK OBAMA AS THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. I THINK MY SPINE JUST EXPLODED WITH JOY! Allow me a brief FREAK OUT OF HAPPINESS. MY CAP LOCKS ARE NOT BIG ENOUGH TO EXPRESS THE HAPPY! HOLY SHIT!11:03 P.M.MSNBC has been showing several MINUTES of people in various parts of the country screaming. Just screaming. I am dancing around my house like a cracked-out mime, and do not care!11:05 P.M.My face hurts from grinning. In other news, Florida STILL hasn't decided. They are not invited to ANY of the parties.11:08 P.M.Chris Matthews can barely contain his glee. If it turns out he didn't win, by some sick twist of fate, all the news reporters in the country will have to flee.11:12 P.M.I'm done blogging, for all purposes, but I keep going. McCain called and conceded. Is it really over? It can't be over. But it is. And I'm really proud that my country did right. You done good, America.11:50 P.M.I'm crying a little bit, and for once I'm not ashamed. This is a beautiful night. McCain's concession speech was actually solid and decent, although I got the feeling he wanted to punch Palin in the mouth. I juts want to hear President-Elect Barack Obama speak. Then I will sleep, and I will be happy. Because Barack Obama won the fucking election. And I'm going to be repeating that for weeks. Months, maybe. And always with a dazed smile on my face. I feel lucky to have been a part of this - to have voted for what I believed in, and to feel connected to my country in such a profound way. THIS is America. This means so much to so many people.I'm signing off now, to watch President-Elect Barack Obama speak, and get some well-deserved sleep.Thanks to everyone who read, commented, and voted (in the election, not my poll). I'll do a normal update tomorrow, probably still giddy from the sweet ambrosia of democracy.- ElleVee

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Election Day - 11:00 P.M.

10:01 P.M.They're projecting Iowa for Obama, Utah for McCain. Let him have it. WE DON'T NEED HIM. WHY AM I HERE WITH MY LAPTOP INSTEAD OF AT A PARTY WITH RUSSELL BRAND AND HIS BRITISH HAIR?!10:08 P.M.My computer exploded, but it's better now. Stop panicking. McCain headquarters is the best place in the world for pity sex right now. I know a few people whom could use that information.10:10 P.M.Huzzah to Colorado for not being idiot fuckwits and voting down that underhanded amendment to impede a woman's right to vote.10:12 P.M.FOX is scrambling to understand HOW Obama could possibly have taken Iowa away from McCain's shaky, sweaty hand. Meanwhile, Karl Rove has stolen all the cookies from the rest of the crew. Brit Hume almost expresses an emotion when the blonde touches him. It might be revulsion.10:14 P.M.I'm predicting Indiana for McCain, mainly because I have ceased to care about that state, and Chris Todd does not need any more reasons to play with the hologram machine.10:18 P.M.OPRAH IS IN GRANT PARK. I really dislike Oprah. As in, I want to yell at her for a while about the whole James Frey bullshit. It was a good book, regardless of whether it was authentic. You behaved horribly, Oprah, and I still haven't forgiven you for that. I doubt I ever will, unless of course you love my blog and make me rich. I AM WILLING TO SELL OUT IF IT GETS ME OUT OF NEW JERSEY.10:24 P.M.I'm watching Indecision 2008, and I will never know a purer love than the one I feel for Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart. If they were a Presidential duo, how wonderful would life be? My mind has imploded from the glorious idea.10:26 P.M.Chris Matthews is close to weeing his pants, and is in fact sneaking over to his laptop to secure the website title BarackObamaIsGod.com. 10:29 P.M.Holy shit, that's really a site?! http://barackobamaisoursweetsaviour.com/. Let's go with that. It's not a real site. Don't tell Chris Matthews.10:32 P.M.Sweet Jesus' Donuts. Obama is a sheer, giddy delight, and I love him very much. CALL THE LAST FEW STATES SO I CAN CELEBRATE BY SLEEPING FOR FOURTEEN HOURS, OK?! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, CALL FLORIDA! CALL SOMETHING.10:42 P.M.So... tired. So very, very tired. And I have a wicked sinus headache. Did I mention I'm tired. It took me a whole minute to type that last sentence. Words are failing me. On the upside, Valkyrie looks like the funniest movie of the year. Tom Cruise couldn't even be bothered to FAKE a German accent. Note: I originally typed 'TAKE a German accent,' and found it so funny I almost didn't correct myself. Sleep is nice. I miss it. Guys, I've been doing this nonstop since 7:00 A.M. I am fucking TAPPED.10:50 P.M.Pat Buchanan is saying words on MSNBC, analyzing McCain's defeat. Holy shit, did FOX actually call Virginia for Obama?! WHAT TWISTED UNIVERSE IS THIS?! CAN I STAY?! Rachel Maddow seems very restrained. Almost sad. She should be doing a wild rumba around the news station, because I can't move.10:52 P.M.Pat Buchanan really needs to stop flip-flopping. Grow a pair, Pat. Hunter would have wanted it that way. You're coming across as a dick, and that makes me sad on many levels.10:53 P.M. When do we get a shot of John McCain wiping his tears with hundred-dollar bills?10:54 P.M.STOP ADVERTISING Valkyrie. The humor died. Thanks.10:57 P.M.FOX is trying to comfort McCain with South Dakota. Maybe Cindy will buy it for him.10:58 P.M.I just hope that buy the next election Chuck Todd has gotten over his crippling hologram addiction. Seek help, Chuck.

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Election Day - 10:00 P.M.

9:01 P.M.The family of ElleVee is sniping and snarling over petty idiocy.More Projected Wins* Pennsylvania - Obama* Connecticut - Obama* DC - Obama* Minnesota - Obama* North Dakota - McCain* New Hampshire - Obama* Wisconsin - Obama* Wyoming - ObamaFlorida has fallen in my graces. GO BACK TO BARACK. I need to calm down. He's still leading by more than twice as many electoral votes. And Chris Matthews wants me to wait until we get more votes in. But no! I shall not calm down. I shall be bitchy and paranoid.9:07 P.M.I kind of really hate Chuck Todd. The hologram of North Carolina looks like it's about to pounce on Todd, while the state of Virginia just looks scared. 9:08 P.M.Arkansas went for McCain, raising his number to 76.9:10 P.M.Chuck Todd is already comparing this election to 2000 and 2004. Wise choice, Chuck. Crush the spirit of American under your well-shined (shone?) shoe. Never invite Chuck Todd should never be invited to your party. He brings doom and gloom, and his creepy holographic girlfriend who will find a way to steal all your shoes.9:21 P.M.Oh, Anderson Cooper. You are so wise and serene in the midst of chaos. Would that YOU were running for President. They wouldn't even bother with an election. Your policy? Hugs For All.9:24 P.M.CNN is predicting West Virginia for McCain. It's close, but no cigar. I need an Anderson hug. Hank Williams may be the most depressing celebrity endorsement in history.9:25 P.M.MSNBC is calling Ohio for Obama. but more importantly, Saxby Chambliss is the BEST NAME EVER. If he, Barack Obama, and David Axelrod started a punk group, it would TAKE OVER THE WORLD.9:26 P.M.Louisiana for McCain, but they briefly put Florida as Obama. I wonder what Saxby Chambliss would say about that. I'm sorry, I love his name so much. Chuck Todd is mixing his metaphors, and we are not amused. Ink does not DRIFT.9:29 P.M.OHIO! Oh, how I love thee and thou's wise voting choices. Nicolle Wallace from the McCain camp is offering up some bullshit platitudes on losing Pennsylvania. It HURTS, don't it?! But her hair is great, and she can lie about Sarah Palin. She'll go far.9:32 P.M.New Mexico goes to Obama. Is ElleVee's pessimism unfounded? The cast of MSNBC is getting more and more gleeful with each McCain loss. They must be so happy at the idea of never having to deal with Sarah Palin's dementia.9:36 P.M.Chris Matthews is ripping into Tom Delay with delight. Keith Olbermann isn't good at math either! We should totally hang out.9:40 P.M.Now MSNBC is doing Senate, but really my brain is on one track, and it ain't going anywhere else for a while. Alaska is still voting. I'm not counting on Florida at this point.9:41 P.M.The pictures of Grant Park make me very jealous I'm not there. I want to be where the people are, I want to see, want to see 'em dancing.9:42 P.M.OK, I kind of love Chuck Todd now. He just called McCain's path 'narrow.' HAHAH.9:44 P.M.You KNOW as soon as the cameras stop rolling, Chris Matthews and Chuck Todd are going to run offstage and congratulate each other on being such clever, clever devils.9:48 P.M.Election Plaza looks like a wild time, too. So many places I should be. But instead, I'm here with you lovely people. FOX has a huge freaking monitor. If that thing fell on you, you'd be a grease stain. I wonder if the blonde in the really cute suit has nightmares about that. I think the blonde is having a breakdown over the results. 9:50 P.M.O.M.F.G. FOX News ITSELF is claiming that this race won't be close enough for any legal contest. I am warm and fuzzy.9:51 P.M.Karl Rove wants to eat your babies, and brush his teeth with your soul. He is Jabba the Hutt's lost lovechild, and frankly he frightens me terribly.9:53 P.M.They're handing out COOKIES on FOX News. DOOM COOKIES. Can you imagine sitting in FOX News Room, eating cookies with Karl Rove while Obama leads the election? It boggles the mind. And yet I kind of wish I could experience it.This has been a good hour. I liked this hour.9:56 P.M.Texas went to McCain. Not surprising again, but how cool would it have been if Obama had won? If Obama gets Arkansas, it might actually make McCain dead. Not metaphorically dead, either.

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Election Day - 9:00 P.M.

Elizabeth Dole is getting pummeled.Current Leads* Indiana - McCain* Florida - Obama* Virginia - McCain* Ohio - Obama* Texas - Obama (W.T.F.)* Georgia - McCain* North Carolina - Obama* New Hampshire - Obama* Indiana - McCain* West Virginia - ObamaProjected Wins* Kentucky - McCain* Maine - Obama* Illinois - Obama* New Jersey - Obama (huzzah!)* Vermont - Obama* Connecticut - Obama* DC - Obama* Oklahoma - McCain* Alabama - McCainThey keep projecting Obama as taking Pennsylvania, which would make me happy except that they have NO POLL RESULTS YET. This is like me predicting Oscar winners the day after they're nominated. It just unnerves me. Why are they doing this? Do they know something we don't? WHAT AREN'T THEY TELLING US?!I mean, after the debacle of 2000, do you really think that they would make a prediction like that without some sort of insider knowledge? Are the people at MSNBC smoking weed, or are they In The Know? Only time will tell. And I want it to tell now. I am sleep and overstressed and angry at everyone ever. 8:36 P.M.MSNBC is giving Obama 103 electoral votes, McCain 58 for McCain, who just won Georgia. I saw Fried Green Tomatoes in Georgia. The Ku Klux Klan scenes scared me. I'm just saying.8:38 P.M.MSNBC needs to stop acting like Obama has won Pennsylvania before any numbers have come in. I'm not saying he DIDN'T win, but pride comes before the fall, and this fall will be real freaking far and hard. MSNBC, please think before you speak. And why is everyone in Grant Park acting like they've already won? AM I STUCK IN A TEMPORAL FLUX WHERE THE ELECTION NEVER ENDS?! A million people may end up in Grant Park. It's the ultimate singles mixer, and I'm not there.8:41 P.M.Keith Olbermann commenting on how shiny the floors are in Alaska made me laugh out loud for the first time in hours. Alaska, land of shiny floors and dead moose.8:46 P.M.I'd bet good money that Chuck Todd has an unhealthy attraction to the hologram machine. Right now he's resisting the urge to hump Florida on national TV, forever ruining his career of pointing at giant holographic maps. He's being supremely negative. This makes me sad, and I hope they send him to a land with no holograms. I hate his tie, too.8:49 P.M.David Axelrod is the coolest name of the election (besides Barack Obama). He's talking a lot, but he's not saying much. If I ever get my own network, we will have nothing but silence. SILENCE AND RESULTS. If FOX started advertising that way, I'd watch constantly.8:54 P.M.Having a half-drunk argument with your mother over whether Obama is winning Florida or not makes everyone feel slightly asinine. 8:55 P.M.Tom Delay is still allowed on TV? I thought I signed a petition against that turd. At least I don't have to look at blogs anymore. I'm done. Now it's just the news on MSNBC, and CNN.com, and FOXNews.com. Tom Delay is acting like Obama has already won, and that Nancy Pelosi is a secret dominatrix who will make Obama her bitch.

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Election Day - 8:00 P.M.

McCain - Kentucky (8)Obama - Vermont (3)Maybe it's because I've been psychotically trolling the web all day, and watching several news networks, but I'm almost numb now that the polls have started closing. I'm too exhausted to care. That's not true. I care desperately, but I'm too wiped to emote. Virginia is leaning towards McCain, but it's still too early to call. I am feeling very shouty and paranoid, and would like a hug from Next polls closing: North Carolina, Ohio, and West Virginia.If Obama can just win Virginia, my stomach might stop curling. That's the only word for it. It's curling up to hide from the madness. This is sort of sadistic, this percentage-by-percentage counting. I almost wish they'd just announce the results, none of this COUNTING crap.I've never had less fun watching TV (except when I was forced to sit through a John Travolta marathon with my mom that included The Boy In The Plastic Bubble. Every four years, I forget how draining and angst-filled an election can be. And every four years, they cruelly remind me. A brief but intense bout of yelling between me, my mom, and my little brother has exiled me to the kitchen with my alcohol. The TV keeps reassuring me not to jump to any conclusions from these early results. Well, if that's what you want, STOP SHOWING ME THE RESULTS. I think one of the CNN pundits was on Cheers.Obama is leading in Florida, and I feel a surge of love and compassion for the Sunshine State, and all the lovely old people who live there.He's also leading in the popular vote, but we know all too well how little that amounts to in the Big Picture.I was right. It's going to be a long night. And I need to stay at least sober enough to type. I really don't want to become the female Spider Jerusalem, comic journalist battling The Beast in print, and writing The Truth for all. Even if he IS based on Hunter S. Thompson. I am not a cartoon, and his drug intake would most likely kill me, and anyway, Spider Jerusalem lives in the future with a patch that prevents cancer and he eats monkey brains. I do not, although I wouldn't say no to that patch, what with my cigarette love. The point is, you should all read Transmetropolitan. It's a good primer for the journalistic battle that will follow McCain's nomination. And if Obama wins (see me remaining negative?) it will be a reminder of how ruthless we must be in our search for The Truth.I really dislike the 3D maps on MSNBC. I tried to watch FOX News, but their graphics made my eyes bleed a little bit. And looking back, that last paragraph goes on a mysterious and terrible tangent. But this is an exercise in Gonzo Journalism, as most blogging is. Or should be. I am not rewriting, or editing. Let your flaws hang out, people. This has been a tense hour, as can be seen from the screaming, drinking, and rambling. And now Hugh Jackman is on, advertising Australia, and his arms and accent give me a momentary reprieve from these political shenanigans.Last update for the hour before I scurry off to smoke and worry.* Obama is leading in Florida, North Carolina & New Hampshire.* McCain is leading in Georgia & Indiana.* Obama has won Vermont, which I'm sure has shocked absolutely no one.* McCain wins Kentucky, which also fails to surprise anybody with an IQ in double digits.And I'm not sure, but someone might want to tell South Carolina that the guy who won their senate seat looks like he rapes blind puppies for fun. Just putting that out there.

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Election Day - 7:00 P.M.

I have officially switched from caffeine to alcohol. Be forewarned. This will be minute-by-minute coverage, now, although posted once an hour, to keep my head (and computer) from exploding.6:42 P.M.John McCain is leading in Kentucky, 67% to 31%.Barack Obama is leading in Indiana, 50% to 48%.
: Florida, Georgia, Indiana, Kentucky, South Carolina, Vermont, & Virginia.6:43 P.M.John McCain is leading in Kentucky, 68% to 31%.This is pretty damn stressful. Suddenly any confidence I felt is gone. I'm filled with doubt. What if Obama loses? What if John McCain becomes the President? I'm not sure my psyche could handle that. Or the nation.6:44 P.M.John McCain is leading in Kentucky, 69% to 29%. Barack Obama is leading in Indiana, 50% to 49%.6:46 P.M.Obama gains a point in Kentucky. This percentage-watching might cause a minor psychotic breakdown. And everyone seems so calm and hopeful. Is this denial in action? Do they know something we don't? Stop showing the exit polls. The real polls are coming in. Nobody cares anymore. Screw the exit polls. I want to know who's going to be our leader. Although it's still entertaining to see how low Bush's approval rating has dropped (28%). 6:51 P.M.McCain is slamming Obama in Kentucky. Hard.If McCain takes Virginia, it's going to be a long, bad night with hostile vibes. If he takes Pennsylvania, it's time to switch from alcohol to hard drugs, whatever you can get your hands on.6:52 P.M.With 9% of the vote in, Obama jumps ti 49% in Kentucky, according to CNN (MSNBC says 48%). Hell of a jump.6:54 P.M.Chuck Todd is showing me a big map of Indiana. Maps are meaningless. Give me numbers, hard percentages. 6:55 P.M.On MSNBC, there is a little elf-child grinning from the corner of the screen. Nobody else looks at her. I'm starting to think nobody can see her but me. But that might be the stress talking.6:57 P.M.At least the Senate looks Democratic.Obama leading in Indiana, but barely.McCain leading in Kentucky, but once again barely.Maybe I should mix coffee into my bloody mary.

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Election Day - 6:00 P.M.

I've been blogging for over ten hours straight. My eyes are having trouble focusing, and I have a killer migraine. Soon, it will be time to switch to alcohol. And we're still waiting for the polls to close.Sarah Palin would like to wake up as the Vice-President-elect? I'd like to wake up as Angelina Jolie. Or Victoria Beckham. I'm flexible. And MY wish wouldn't cause international chaos. Or at least the chaos would be funny, instead of potentially devastating.Ah, exit polls:* 63% who said Iraq was a top issue voted for Obama. 36% voted for McCain. That's surprising, frankly. I thought security would be a big McCain win.* 10% said Iraq was the top issue, making the above statistic less happy for me.* 62% of voters said the economy was the top issue. No surprises there.* 86% if people worried about terrorism voted for McCain. * 9% of voters say top issue is terrorism. So that makes me feel better about the above statistic.* 7% said energy was the top issue* 51% said the government needs to do more to solve problems.* 70% worry that there will be another terrorist attack.* 32% are not worried about affordable healthcare. * 28% oppose offshore drilling.* 70% predict their taxes will go up under Obama.* 49% feel their taxes will go up no matter what.* 67% think Biden would be a good President.* 38% think Palin would be a good President. In other news, Palin's husband and children were arrested for illegally voting hundreds of thousands of times on exit polls. In my mind.* 50% said Obama has the experience to be President.Rudy Giuliani seriously needs to get off the goddamn screen and stop being snarky. He's so smug and condescending. Unless he's rigged all the machines in the country, I really hope he's just excited over the Yankees' lineup for next season.Sarah Palin just called this a "historical" event. I cherish these moments, Ms. Palin. Really, I do. Let's not have any more. I don't need another four years of laughing at a politician's grammar, then sobbing uncontrollably when I remember they have the nuclear codes.Gawker, who I should work for because I love them even when they are cruel, has posted information on exit polls. Keep in mind exit polls are useless. They mean NOTHING. THIS IS NO TIME TO START PANICKING. When it is time to start panicking, I will lead the panic parade, and the confetti will be confetti of TEARS.

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Election Day - 5:00 P.M.

I'm starting to crash a little. CNN keeps screaming about the exit polls, but offers me nothing of interest beyond the fact that the polls are, in fact, coming.Because there isn't really anything to report on at the moment, I will simply post some links and videos to entertain you until the exit polls come out and give me something to shout about. Wolf Blitzer (who my journalism teacher knew, and referred to as a "tool" before going on to call Judith Miller a "skank" - I worship my former teacher) keeps talking about a Magic Map. I know it's about the election, but I keep thinking that it's what Miss Frizzle used to steer The Magic School Bus. Those books were really good.Make Ralph Nader hummus! Or don't, because apparently it tastes like bitterness and failure.This video almost made the whole election worthwhile. Almost. Except, you know, for the death and destruction and awful economy.This might make you feel better about the current nominees. Because transcendental meditation is all we need for peace and prosperity. Nothing else. NOTHING.Tomorrow is going to be a giant national hangover, either of joy or overwhelming, soul-sucking despair, depending on who you voted for. There seem to be a lot of voter problems - mostly mechanical, lines, or registration issues. I want someone to find out what these people were registered as. Are more Democrats or Republicans having problems? Let's start a conspiracy theory! See, FOX News? You're not the only one who can fear-monger! Game on!

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Election Day - 4:00 P.M.

This, which I ganked off of Gawker, is hilarious on about three levels. I want to party with these guys. Well, not really. But I admire how scary they are, and how annoyed they are with the camera-phone dude. Things The TV No Longer Needs To Reiterate* This is the longest campaign in U.S. history.* John McCain is old.* This election will change history.* Barack Obama is black.* We have the biggest voter turnout in history.* Barack Obama will be the first black president.* John McCain will be the oldest president elected for the first time.* The polling lines are long.* Sarah Palin is a woman.* Sarah Palin will be the first female Vice President.* This election has been about the economy and terrorism.How come, after months of the media claiming that race has NOTHING to do with Obama's campaign, today I have seen at least half a dozen black politicians talking about what a factor race has been in this election? Did I miss something? Tim Robbins, why must you shame me? I loved you so in The Shawshank Redemption, and you made me tolerate Meg Ryan in the underrated I.Q.. And I was so happy when you finally won an Oscar for Mystic River, because you were brilliant and sad, and even though you are ten feet taller than me I wanted to hug you and tell you everything would be all right, until Sean Penn shows up and bitch-slaps you for being a spoiled ass. Gawker shows me many things. Mayhap I should be paying them money. If I had any.The people on FOX News seem to be having a collective anxiety attack. I haven't seen anyone smile in hours, except for that sort of braying, panic-induced laughter right before the gun fires. I think I just tore a hole in the time-space continuum. I was watching a video clip from FOX News about the Black Panthers thing in Philadelphia on my laptop, when they showed the same video on FOX News, and then they showed another video of the same Black Panther incident. And I kind of think the Black Panther who was interviewed made a good point. Yes, big angry guy with a nightstick is scary, but you see the FOX News Team hanging outside your polling station, you turn tail and RUN.

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Election Day - 3:00 P.M.

For a change of pace, I'm blogging outside on my back porch while I enjoy a soothing cigarette. If a sudden downpour destroys my computer, you are all free to laugh. I know I would.It's kind of irritating that Sarah Palin won't say who she voted for. Does she thinks she's being coy and mysterious? Does she really expect people to be going, "Gosh, I wonder who she voted for considering SHE'S ON THE TICKET"? What is going on in her well-coiffed head? Unless, just to piss off McCain, she voted for Obama. Then I would grudgingly admit she's kind of incredible, while still being batshit insane. Unfortunately, that seems unlikely. Who the hell is calling people up in Virginia giving them phony election dates? More importantly, who would believe a strange phone call claiming that for the first time in recorded history, the voting date has changed? Would you be inclined to check online, or ask a friend? WHAT IS GOING ON IN VIRGINIA? The air is thick with intrigue, and cigarette smoke. And here's another scandal, in high-tech form.The clip from The View I was ranting about earlier. Wow, has this much madness occurred on one day? How much more must we take before the dust settles? How long, Oh Lord? (Apologies to Dr. Thompson)FiveThirtyEight satisfies my obsessive need to look at polls all day.And, in a sign that the third Horseman is saddling up, Joe The Plumber plans to write a book.

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Election Day - 2:00 P.M.

By the end of this day, I may wish I was a zombie. Not in the 'eating people is fun, although that Jonathon Coulton song makes me wonder' sense, but more 'I am dead inside and feel nothing because I have been frantically typing, researching, and watching the news since 7:00 A.M., with breaks only to use the bathroom and smoke the occasional cigarette, and by the time this is done I will barely have the energy to drag my feet slowly through the house, groaning at anyone unlucky enough to cross my path. And maybe biting them, depending on who wins the election.' I'll be an intellectual zombie. If McCain wins, I'm starting a rumor that the Zombie Apocalypse is coming, and he's the cause. It will make me smile, as I weep over the state of our nation. I have NEVER claimed to be unbiased.There's so much information, but most of it is useless. More than half of the state of Colorado has already voted. My aunt who lives there voted for the Opposition. This election is remarkably emotional. People are crying as they vote, overwhelmed by their choices.Otherwise, most of this stuff is boring. A quick channel-surf:* CNN is talking about the length of lines in Colorado (they're short), and early voting shows more Democrats voting than Republicans. They're saying Obama might carry the state. Oh, I hope they do, if only so I can mock my uptight aunt who lives there. Now they're discussing Obama's basketball habit.* CNBC is having a 'Power Lunch,' debating how many seats the Democrats can hope to get in the Senate.* MSNBC is showing McCain and Giuliani in a love-fest at Yankee Stadium while he does an on-air interview. Giuliani sounds like Martin Scorcese on the phone, if Martin had taken up a crack habit to rival Amy Winehouse. * Thirteen is discussing Obama's relationship with the Civil Rights Movement. * News 12 New Jersey is in Chicago, admiring Obama's home state, and looking at McCain's frantic campaigning in Arizona. I hope McCain gets a good long nap after this. The dude is old, and he's been campaigning like a demon. I give credit where it's due.That's all the news I can find at the moment. If you can call it that. Polls start closing in five hours. That's a lot of time to kill quibbling over the politician's history, and what they're doing right now. I've just got this blog, and I'm amazed by how dull most of this is. Here's a list of when the polls close, because this has been a dull hour so far. All times are EST, because those are the ones I care about.6:00 P.M.* Indiana (Part)* Kentucky (Eastern half)7:00 P.M.* Florida (Mostly) (BATTLEGROUND STATE)* Georgia* Indiana (The rest of the state)* Kentucky (The rest of the state)* South Carolina* Vermont* Virginia (BATTLEGROUND STATE)7:30 P.M.* North Carolina* Ohio (BATTLEGROUND STATE)* West Virginia8:00 P.M.* Alabama* Connecticut* Delaware* District of Columbia* Florida (The rest of the state) (BATTLEGROUND STATE)* Illinois* Maine* Maryland* Massachusetts* Michigan (Mostly)* Mississippi* Missouri* New Hampshire* New Jersey (Go Jersey!)* Oklahoma* Pennsylvania (Hi Kaje!) (BATTLEGROUND STATE)* South Dakota (Eastern half)* Tennessee* Texas (Mostly)8:30 P.M.* Arkansas (Which is very lonely in this time slot)9:00 P.M.* Arizona* Colorado (BATTLEGROUND STATE)* Kansas*Louisiana* Michigan (The rest of the state)* Minnesota* Nebraska* New Mexico* New York* Rhode Island* South Dakota (The rest of the state)* Texas (The rest of the state)* Wisconsin* Wyoming10:00 P.M.* Idaho (Southern half)* Iowa* Montana* Nevada* North Dakota (Eastern half)* Oregon (Eastern half)* Utah11:00 P.M.* California* Idaho (The rest of the state)* North Dakota (The rest of the state)* Oregon (The rest of the state)* Washington12:00 A.M.* Alaska (Mostly)1:00 A.M.* Alaska (The rest of the state) (Because Alaska just HAS to be different. Kidding, I'm kidding. Alaska is lovely. It's just depressing to think I'll still be awake at 1:00 in the morning)Doesn't battleground state make you imagine the robots from Transformers engaged in epic battle, one painted blue the other red, tearing up the landscape as they make war for their chosen candidate? Wouldn't elections be infinitely more awesome if giant robot battles determined our future? Hell, it would make the news more entertaining.

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