I needed a day of rest after Election Blogging Mania. I think you all understand. My hands are permanently bent into claws, I think I have a motor-neuron disease. But the funny, imaginary kind.
Thanks so much to everyone who read, commented, and voted in the election. Tuesday was one of the most amazing days in my life, and in the history of our country. I really appreciate all the support, and positive comments. You guys are fantastic! You made the whole experience worthwhile.
And enough sweetness and light. What else can I say?
Now that Sarah Palin isn't a threat to my reproductive rights, or sanity, I can go back to viewing her as a highly entertaining nutjob.
Did you hear she didn't know Africa was a continent? A few days ago, that would have filled me with fear. Now it fills me with humor, and smug superiority. I would give anything to be able to interview her:
"Who wrote
The Catcher In The Rye?"
"Where is Tibet?"
"Do you
really believe Jesus killed the dinosaurs?"
"How many moons does Saturn have?"
"Are you designing a line of towels that women can wear out in public, so as to frighten and confuse their neighbors?" (She answered the door in a towel, and spoke to several McCain lackeys while wearing... a
towel. I know a lot of people find her attractive, but really. Unless you're Heid Klum, public towel-wearing is never as sexy as you'd like to think.)
I am already over
Twlight-mania. Totally and completely. I don't GET it. I do not understand. I've said it before, but I will KEEP saying it until A) everyone comes to their senses, or B) someone can EXPLAIN this madness. Look, I get
Harry Potter. The stories are dense and well-written and fun, and Snape is one of the most complex characters I've read about in years (and totally fulfills all my crush requirements - ugly, brilliant, cruel, damaged, ambiguous, talented, misunderstood, lonely, tragic, but don't start me on that or we'll be here a while). But
Twilight... ehhh.
And Robert Pattinson is not attractive. His accent is attractive - I am one of those girls who is a total sucker for any accent. When he speaks with his accent, I am putty in his hands. But come on, the guy admitted in
public that he hasn't washed his hair in six weeks. That is over a
month where no water has touched his head. That is repulsive. His hair has grown a complex social system in that time. if he washes his hair, it will be genocide. Soon PETA will be screaming to declare his head a protected area for an endangered species. I love me some grimy men (again, Snape, and sometimes Colin Farrell), but six weeks is edging him into the animal kingdom. And admitting it, like it's something to be proud of, or at least not to cause public vomiting. I feel bad for the people traveling with him. If we squeeze his hair, we'll have enough oil to solve the national shortage.
Also, I don't find the pictures of him in character attractive. The guy is supposed to be HOT. Vampires on film have trouble with that - too often, they go for the 'pasty, decomposing' look. I think Gary Oldman looked hot in
Dracula, when he wasn't wearing that insane hairpiece. And Spike was hot on
Buffy The Vampire Slayer (I was never into Angel, even if I do prefer that show. He's too angsty. And his forehead is HUGE. As my friend Arre would say, "it's a FIVE-HEAD!") But Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise didn't do much for me in
Interview With The Vampire, because Tom Cruise hasn't done anything for ANYONE in about twenty years, and Brad Pitt was also too angsty and fun-sucking to be worth any effort.
Queen of The Damned sucked, and Stuart Townsend looks like he's about twelve. In fact, let's make a list of hot Vs. Not hot vampires. Why? Because it funducational. I promise to never use that word again.
*
Lost Boys I & II: My eyes and heart belong to Corey Feldman (STOP LAUGHING), but ignoring the ridiculous clothing, these were a hot bunch of vampires. They looked like pale, sexy people with sharp teeth. None of this washed-out crack-head look. And no one out-menaces Kiefer Sutherland. The second one sucked, of course, but it had Edgar Frog, so I will never complain. PS Can someone explain the point of that Laddie kid to me?
The eighties were a very different time.*
Vampire In Brooklyn: Eddie Murphy will never, ever be hot. Ever.
Brooklyn does not need this.*
Blade Trilogy: Stephen Dorff was hot in the first one. Ron Perlman is my love. Ryan Reynolds was a former vampire, so that counts. And Parker Posey was delightfully demented in the third one. Good-looking vampires in fun, crappy movies. Wesley Snipes seems like he wants to punch everyone, but my tattoo resembles his, so we're cool. Although mine isn't on my face. I don't think I could pull that off.
Look at her hair! And her dead puppy wrap! Look at Ryan Reynold's... muscular, rippling back. Sorry, what were we talking about?*
Underworld: Kate Beckinsale is a babe, and few people can pull off leather and rubber ensembles without looking like a failed dominatrix. But I can't remember anyone else in the movies, because they sucked. Vampires and werewolves are compelling to NO ONE (excluding that
Twilight crowd).
What does she do when she has to pee?*
From Dusk Till Dawn; Hot vampire strippers (including Salma Hayek) make this a good-looking vampire crew. But I'm focused on Quentin Tarantino's crazy Richie Gecko, who not only inspired my own book, but is one of my longest-standing fictional crushes. Don't judge me.
OK, they're not vampires. But I'm being generous! Quentin for me, and George Clooney with his awesome tribal tattoos for the rest of you! What's with vampire hunters and tattoos? It's sexy, that's what!*
Interview With The Vampire: Going into more depth, the only vampire that is remotely sexy is Antonio Banderas (although Stephen Rhea rocks a top hat like few modern men can). Tom Cruise's wig is unintentionally a source of amusement, and Brad Pitt looks kind of like a chick in this movie. Also, the homoerotic subtext becomes text pretty quickly.
LOOK at Tom Cruise's hair. WHO thought that would be sexy? Why am I not consulted on these matters?*
Shadow Of The Vampire:
Nosferatu is a brilliant, scary-as-hell flick, but no one will ever describe him as their ideal guy. And if they do, I really can't know about it. I have beliefs I must cling to.
Ladies, your escort for the evening.*
Dracula: Gary Oldman is hot (except in fifth
Harry Potter film, where his hair is so bouncy and curly I want to dress him in velvet chaps and make him sing Christmas carols), but when he has that insane hairpiece, he reminds me of my grandmother. Not a recipe for romance.
My, Grandma, what big teeth you have!*
Twilight: Not yet a movie, but a book. And I've seen stills. And these people do not make me want to give up my immortal soul, or risk a grisly death. They make me want to buy them soap. Lots of soap. (Also, and this is from the book, the whole 'teen friendly' thing so they can't have sex totally infuriates me. It's such an easy cop-out. Wouldn't it be much more interesting for the characters to discuss this issue in depth, and try to find ways around it? Angel had sex with humans, and vampires, and while it occasionally made him go on a homicidal killing spree afterwards, he never cracked anyone's head or ripped them in two during the heights of passion. That would be hysterical. Maybe they wouldn't have cancelled
Angel if they could have worked that into the plot.)
Eternal life never looked so ick. In other news, I'm thinking of changing the layout for my blog. Or the name. Something. Suggestions?
I'm cutting class tonight. But I still have to write the article (which I'm procrastinating by whining about unattractive vampires in television and movies).
Also: Who wants to place bets that Will Smith is ALREADY gunning to play Obama in the inevitable movie? Anyone?
I'm pretty sure Beyonce is insane, and not in the charming, kooky, intellectual way I approve of. Or maybe she's horribly dull, and has created an alter-ego in a desperate, sad attempt to seem fascinating. I don't care. Stop talking about her.
I think I've regressed back to sixteen. I'm applying for a job at Barnes & Noble, living with my parents, and the other day I made a mix CD that included The Spice Girls, Bowling For Soup, Josie & The Pussycats,
and Taking Back Sunday (which, along with Alkaline Trio, was the band I was stuck on during my epic relationship collapse that I don't talk about, because some things are too Soap Opera Life even for blogs).
So twenty-two is a lot like sixteen, only I'm thinner and don't have blue hair or a tongue piercing (although I do have a tattoo), and my taste in men has improved, and I don't have to hide my smoking from my parents, and I like to think I dress better, and I can drink and drive (obviously not at the same time. I'm not a moron), and usually I like better music. I don't know if this is funny or depressing.
Reading back over this, I have to say this is a bit of a random post. It's OK, I forgive me. Now I have to go write an article on vegan food. Joke as you will.
- LV
