Sunday, October 4, 2009

The English Language Is My Bitch. Or I Don't Speak It Very Well. Whatever.

Blog
* Title is from Joss Whedon.

Random Dialogue
Me: I can't hear out of my right ear, and my left ear hurts really badly.
Doctor: This is a nursing student. Can she look on?
Me: Uh, sure....
Nursing Student: Is there a bug in her ear?
Me: There is no insect in my ear.
NS: Are you sure? I saw it on TV. This guy had a COCKROACH in his head.
Me: I do NOT have a cockroach in my head. BOTH ears hurt.
Doctor: It's wax build-up brought on by her allergies and sinus infection. And some water trapped inside.
Me: Yeah, I dyed my hair the other night.
NS: Let me see! EWW.
Me: Stop POKING my head.
NS: It's so gross. Can I take a picture?
Me: NO.
Doctor: That's incredibly unprofessional.
NS: But it looks so weird! It's BLACK.
Me: PUT DOWN YOUR PHONE.
Doctor: Maybe you should let me do this.
Me: Do what?
Doctor: We need to flush out your ears with this needle and some water.
NS: Can I do it?
Me & Doctor: NO.
[Insert several minutes of excruciating pain]
Me: That hurt worse than both tattoos I got. Combined.
NS: Your face was all scrunched up!
Me: Did you GO to medical school?

Me: What are you doing?
Brother: Barricading my room against the soul-sucker.
Me: That won't work.
Brother: Why not?
Me: Because only the combined sexual magnetism of the Winchester brothers can stop the soul-suckers.
Brother: No, look, I made a wall of Legos.
Me: You are so naive.
Brother: That show, Supernatural. Is it real?
Me: Yep.
Brother: Really?!
Me: It's a documentary about two of the hottest demon-hunters on Earth.
Brother: Are they going to stop the zombie apocalypse?
Me: Don't be silly. No one can stop that.
Brother: REALLY?
Me: On the upside, you won't have to worry about finishing the sixth grade.
[Brother runs off screaming]

Aye: You're sick AGAIN.
Me: I have a fever. And congestion
Aye: Is it-
Me: Don't say swine flu.
Aye: It's a logical assumption. And I need to know SOMEONE who gets it.
Me: Not it's NOT. I don't have swine flu. You're twisted.
Aye: If you die, can I have your stuff?
Me: No. I want to be buried with it. All of it.
Aye: Well, when you're dead I'm taking your comics. And your shoes.
Me: I am NOT dying.
Aye: You could have consumption.
Me: No one gets consumption anymore. Anyway, if I had consumption Hugh Laurie and Stephen Fry would be here feeding me soup.
Aye: WHAT?
Me: You need to watch more British television.
Aye: Look, if you don't have swine flu, and you don't have consumption, and you won't leave me your shoes and comics, what good are you to me?
Me: I cherish our friendship.

Mom: What are you watching?
Me: The IT Crowd.
Mom: Is that the British Office?
Me: No. This is The IT Crowd. The Office is The Office.

My head is spinning.
- LV

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