* I have never tasted pumpkin walnut fudge. I don't like white chocolate. There's no chocolate in it, did you know that IT IS A CHOCOLATE OF FALSE TRUTHS. But these do look tasty:
[Jensen Ackles, AKA Dean Winchester from Supernatural AKA I have NO idea what I'm typing right now, because, really, LOOK AT HIM. My word. God damn. What's going on? Um.... yeah. OK. Being attacked by zombies is WORTH it sometimes. I might even pretend I don't know how to destroy them, to make him feel good about himself. I'm a caring young woman.]
* Like every child of a certain age, I loved R.L. Stine's Goosebumps books. They were fun and creepy and terrible, terrible books that I would never admit to reading in public. But if I was home sick, I had a STACK of them beside me. Here are some of the best, before they inexplicably made a funny version, and a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure version, which I DO NOT APPROVE OF.
* Those of you that read my personal blog (and why aren't the rest of you? It has PICTURES and MUSIC) know that yesterday I decided to be a steampunk zombie hunter for Halloween. Steampunk aspect will be cobbled together, and depends very much on finding a corset. The zombie hunter regalia is inspired by this godlike creature: [Found at Digitally Blonde] I BOUGHT THAT HAT, PEOPLE. The details of the costume, and it's construction, are at my blog, and I'm not repeating it all here. But for those of you NAYSAYERS who doubt that steampunk and Tallahassee can mix, I LAUGH in your face and go off to find Twinkies.
I still can't seem to find a knife sheath. That worries me.
Apocalypse How? * Oh, look, it's a robot that dances and does chores for you, with a smile: [Found at DVICE] Nope, NOTHING bad will come of this. The robot won' serve you your HEAD on a PLATTER. Nope, no worries HERE. What? The shotgun? It's a... a precaution. Against bugs.
Epic!Fail * Good News: People still do buy books. Bad News? These are the books we're reading: [Found at Wonkette] I don't have to LIKE the books you're reading, but could they at least not conclusively LOWER your IQ every time you see the cover. DAN BROWN CAN'T WRITE. Now if you need me, I'll be snuggling my own unpublished manuscript and banging my head against a wall. COULD EVERYONE JUST GO BUY A WILL CHRISTOPHER BAER BOOK? FOR ME?
Books * As if Wednesdays aren't depressing enough (and really, is it STILL pouring out? Can't it just settle for moody and overcast?), here's an interactive map of banned books. Like, recently banned books. Books banned THIS YEAR. We, in America, still ban books for being offensive. And RIP OUT THE PAGES. This shouldn't surprise me, but it DOES, and now I'm sad. Even Dan Brown doesn't deserve that. Even STEPHENIE MEYERS doesn't deserve that shit. I get pissy when people use books as doorstops. I catch you HURTING a book, shit is going DOWN.
Daily Hot Guy * So I'm pretty sure Eli Roth is a total jackass. And the Hostel movies are excrement. I am AWARE of these facts: [Eli Roth, director of Cabin Fever, the Jew Bear in Inglourious Basterds, and a friend of Quentin Tarantino. That's why I like him. And his trailer in Grindhouse CRACKED ME UP. And he's hot, in a smug asshole sort of way, RIGHT?]
Childhood!Fail * They're making a Barbie movie. I didn't even like Barbie when I was supposed to (she did get eaten by my toy dinosaurs regularly, or trampled by my herd of model horses.... why are you all looking at me like that?
The only bright spot in what will surely be an offensive, idiotic journey down memory lane is that in recent commercials they've used the 'Barbie Girl' song by Aqua, which makes fun of Barbie, so maybe the whole film will be a parade of misunderstood pop culture references. I'd enjoy that.
* FINALLY. JUSTICE IS SWIFT AND TOTAL: [Drawn by Erin] Except I wonder how much he eats before he realizes that Trix isn't really very good.
* I am jealous of Patience's mad knitting skills. I make arm warmers that look sort of pukish and sad. She makes this: Plus I steal all her memes, because she is the meme fairy, and also she's just badass. TRUFAX.
Technology * I don't know about this: [Found at Wired] It's a T-Shirt that tells others how you're feeling. You press a button, and it informs the world of your emotion. But what if I'm feeling perspicacious? Or downtrodden but determined? What if I'm feeling wryly amused with a bittersweet emotion? Don't LABEL me. I am a creature of MYSTERY.
Art * This is not art. This is an ABOMINATION. I will never be the same again: [Found at Like Cool] I'm in a safe place, and it's safe here, and there are no clowns, CLOWNS. OH GOD, THE CLOWNS. DON'T SEND IN THE CLOWNS.
I can fend off a zombie, I just can't handle Pennywise. WHO COULD?!
Comics I miss Bill Watterson. I miss Calvin and Hobbes. But I respect his decision to go out into the woods and paint pictures. I'm pretty intrigued by this book about him, though. And I love this xkcd comic: [Found at xkcd] Hold your mouse over it, and miss Watterson all over again.
Halloween * Behold! The pumpkin cheeseburger: [Found at Geekologie] I must be getting old, because all I think is how bad it's going to smell after a few days.
* I love candy corn. It is pure sugar, colored for my enjoyment. I love it. I only eat it around Halloween, because it really isn't very good, if you stop and TASTE it. But I love it. And now I can make it AT HOME IN MANY COLORS: [Found at Tasting Table] It's all to advertise some cookbook. I'm a good cook, but I'm also lazy, so maybe you buy the book and cook it for me, yes? I like anything that doesn't have raisins or coconut.
Daily Hot Guy [Gerard Way, lead singer of the band My Chemical Romance. I was told by a good friend that I don't have NEARLY enough musical people in this category, and the MCR boys are hot in that guyliner/neo-punk-emo way that I shamefully ADORE. And you know what? MCR is a fun, good band. See, this is why musical people rarely grace the DHG section; I end up defending my taste in music.]
Food!Fail * I don't care if this is the most delicious food ever created. It well may be. After all, it is:
A sandwich filled with four cheeseburgers, a double cheesesteak, a chicken cheesesteak, gyro meat, grilled chicken, bacon, sausage, mozzarella sticks, chicken fingers, chicken nuggets, mac n’ cheese bites, fried mushrooms, jalapeño poppers, pizza bites, onion rings, hash browns, American cheese, mayo, and ketchup on two rolls.
I mean, I LIKE most of those things separately. Right? So mixing them should be good, right? [Found at This Is Why You're Fat] OH FUCK, IT LOOKS LIKE A GANGRENOUS WOUND. The only redeeming factor in this whole food!fail is that if I had one of these, I could probably get Dean Winchester from Supernatural's attention by waving it in his face.
Politics * I don't like Newt Gingrich, for so many reasons. However, none of those have to do with why I'd like him to stop being on Twitter. It's just this: [Found at Wonkette] Mr. Gingrich, for the sake of America, maybe stop using Twitter? For war reenactments? Or just stop using it? Go back to Facebook.
Incidentally, I realized that Halloween is THIS weekend, and I have no idea what to be. Suggestions? So far these are my ideas: - Kiki from FREAKANGELS - A zombie hunter, a la Zombieland. - Someone from Repo! The Genetic Opera. Look, I just want an excuse to wear my kick-ass purple boots, and not FREEZE, otherwise I would just dress up as Lady Gaga. So offer suggestions? Please? I am not creative.
* Moss will one day learn that all women scream 'the shoes' at some point in their lives. Title is from The It Crowd.
Movie!Win * The Jack Ryan movies went form super-badass (Clear & Present Danger) to suck city (The Sum Of All Fears)(and no, I don't blame Ben Affleck in the slightest. Did you actually listen to the dialogue he was expected to spout? Lawrence Olivier would have been hard-pressed to make sense of it.
Do you know what this is, besides DELICIOUS? This is a wheel of brie cheese, stuffed with chocolate, and then baked in a puff pastry. Oh holy CRAP. This is the holy trinity of cheese, chocolate, and carbohydrates. I would eat this until I BLACKED OUT.
I have no fucking clue what these shoes are supposed to be, or why, or what is going on, or how you are expected to WALK in these bitches. They frighten me, I have to say. These shoes scare me.
No, you know what? I don't want to hear your excuses. Dr. Strangelove is SACRED, you heathens. There is NO REASON for Kong to be riding a giant trout. WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS? Are you TRYING to make me angry? BECAUSE IT IS WORKING.
Daily Hot Guy
[Richard Ayoade, AKA Maurce Moss from The IT Crowd. He's adorable and English, and his hair is LIFE-CHANGING, and he's got a sweet style. Reason #100,00,867 I need to move to England.]
Music * I saw Jude Law in Hamlet, and he was great, and better looking in person, and surprisingly funny, so I went from team 'I Am Indifferent To Jude Law,' to team 'God Dammit, I Kind Of Like Him Now.' This sort of cemented that grudging affection:
Jude Law performs Lady Gaga's 'Poker Face.' WITH LIGHT SABERS.
Blog * Mr. Lightman is also available for children's birthday parties. Title is from Lie To Me.
* This image, made by Miss Banshee (feel better!) will get me through today: [Made by Miss Banshee] Well, this image, my new boots, arm warmers, and gallons of caffeine.
* And now I want sushi: [Drawn by Erin] Dammit, Erin! I don't have sushi! It's morning, and there's no sushi here! No sushi at all!
Stuff To Live * I like ninjas: [Found at Nerd Approved] Because while you're gushing over how cute these ninja salt and pepper shakers are, the REAL ninjas slip in, slash your throat, steal your food, and totally PWN YOUR SORRY ASS. Ninjas rule.
Fandom * This is the greatest Firefly/Serenity costume ever wrought by the hand of man: [Found by Ge Oh]
Movie!Fail * I'm sorry, but I disagree with this list of the 10 Worst Movies to Open at #1. Because Hancock is not on there, nor is Wild Wild West, both movies that made me want to stab my eyeballs out with a burning hot silver pick. And I just realized that Will Smith is in both those movies, so maybe I should have a word with him too. But I'd put My Big Fat Greek wedding on this list. I don't even think it WAS a number one movie, but I HATE it. AND I WOULD TELL YOU, but it would take too long.
I will agree totally with Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen. Every second was akin to physical torture. And then John Turturro ripped of his pants, and my faith in humanity DIED.
Jackie Earle Haley * He doesn't know about this Green Lantern rumor:
Which means it's not a lie, it is a possibility. Just saying.
Daily Hot Guy (s) [David Tennant and Simon Pegg, because A) They both have super-sexy accents, B) They combine the awesome powers of Star Trek, Doctor Who, and Shaun of the Dead C) THEY ARE GOING TO BE IN A MOVIE TOGETHER D) It's a rainy Saturday and I have a migraine, and that IS a reason.]
TeeVee * Red Dwarf is on Netflix Instant Watch, thus pulling me back from the brink of madness after a day of miserable working. I love Red Dwarf, and Arnold Rimmer in particular (shut up. No, really.)
* This may be the cutest allergy ever: [Drawn by Erin] Look at her knees! They are ridiculously adorable! Yeah, the caffeine isn't working yet if I'm gushing over cartoon knees. Even if it is frigging adorable.
* I love Patience, because A) she quoted Tombstone, and my FAVORITE LINE in Tombstone, and that is sweet, and B) she is awesome, generally, and C) she made this: SHE KNITTED POO. POOOOOOO.
Food!Fail * I'm reorganizing categories in my blog, and if you have a PROBLEM with that, you have to eat these: [Found at Friggin Random] I don't, because it's my blog, and I'm allergic to skinless wieners. Stop laughing.
Halloween * Like most people of a certain age/disposition, I love Halloween. And that is why I want these pancake molds of scary adorable: [Found at Incredible Things] Are these the cutest pancakes ever? I think so. I THINK THEY ARE DELICIOUS. I will eat these ghosts, and they can haunt the shit out of me, if they want, because I will be so happy.
Politics * I kind of love Robert Gibbs, because I feel like he would be a great friend to have in a tight spot. He would casually rip your enemies a new asshole, but in such a way that the other person would have no idea how to retaliate. Look at the way he diminishes Dick Cheney's very existence:
Then again, it IS Dick Cheney, and he is the Evil Ogre beneath the bridge that eats our adorable goats. That sentence went away from me, but my point remains VALID. Robert Gibbs is my defense lawyer, I just decided.
* Guys, I am tired. I have a lot of unpleasant work today, I will be rubbing caffeine in my eyeballs in a few hours, and it's FRIDAY. A DAY OF JOY. So I don't know about this: [Found at Regretsy] I don't know. Why is there Obama coffee? Why? I don't know. I am very tired.
Daily Hot Guy [Hugh Laurie, the Original Hot Male British Actor. He and Tim Roth's characters need to join forces for the BIGGEST CASE EVER. Really, Hugh Laurie was in Blackadder, and Tim Roth was in Pulp Fiction, and I think they're the only two British actors who have yet to appear in the Harry Potter franchise. He's got amazing eyes and gorgeous hands. Plus, his book is really quite good.]
Apocalypse How? * Hah, we have a Dollhouse for flies now, and can manufacture feelings of fear and pain, and did anyone see that movie The Signal? I did not like it very much, but WHAT IF IT TURNS OUT TO BE TRUE? Going crazy is not the same as being a zombie. Sorry, wrong category. Um, Alpha as a fly would be terribly interesting. Yeah, we're doomed.
Let me be clear: You BUY an eBook, with your money. It's yours. Your eBook reader gets old, and you get a new one. By this law, you CANNOT TRANSFER your book. That you bought. With your money.
I need to call bullshit. As my college professor often said, 'Information Wants To Be Free.' Stealing and sharing are different. Could someone explain this to Canada?
Books * You all know I love the website Topless Robot, even though it shows me the most nightmarish fanfiction I have EVER seen, and I will never be OK, because, guys DARKWING DUCK EROTIC FANFICTION, WHUT?!
Topless Robot is of the opinion that this book is a cash grab by the late Douglas Adams' wife, that Douglas Adams was so individual a writer that no one could or should try to replicate him, and that And Another Thing should be avoided at all costs. If there was a way to not buy the book any harder, I would do that. Maybe I can demand a refund for it from a bookstore just by virtue of its existence.
I may try this, later today, because you know WHAT? You don't fucking pull stuff like this, especially with a man who wrote for freaking Doctor Who. Are you TRYING to anger Bruce Campbell?
Childhood!Fail * You know what? This is why I only want to have boy children: [Found at World Of Wonder] It's a cleaning trolley. For children. Girl children, I'm assuming, because it's pink. I can't even deal with this. I'm so tired. I don't even have the energy to get angry about this. If you can't see the problem with this... I don't know. I need a nap.
Nostalgia!Win * I had the Crayola Crayon 'Indian Red.' I had that huge set, and I loved that set, and I want it BACK. I never thought it was offensive, but what did I know? I was little. I colored Bugs Bunny green. I was crazy. Anyway, they used to have cooler names for crayons. Prussian Blue? That's a sweet name for a crayon.
Doctor Who * Masterpiece Theater should NOT be sexy:
Oh SHIT he's Scottish. I know this, but.... DON'T LEAVE, DOCTOR. PLEASE. STICK AROUND AND BE SCOTTISH, OK?!
What are we talking about? I'm sorry, he's still talking, and nothing you say matters right now.
WARNING: SPOILERS FOR THIS WEEKS' FREAKANGELS BELOW. CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED. KARL HAD A MOHAWK BACK IN THE DAY. Also I love the flashback. And FINALLY, I get to see Mark. I understand his charisma. Guy is smart. But where's Arkady? Is she off using? Or did I just not notice her? It's possible.
This comic makes me want to go shopping. DAMMIT, MR. ELLIS. I CANNOT AFFORD TO BUY COOL CLOTHES.
Comics * I love Joe Hill, and I love comics, so when he writes comics there is no negativity to be found. Plus the Lovecraftian angle is massively entertaining: [Found at Joe Hill Fiction] Of course, my local comic book store does not CARRY these comics, and the one that does is far away and if I go in while wearing a skirt there's a serious chance of one of the clerks stroking, because females don't read books with PICTURES, HAHA. God, I hate this town sometimes.
Welp, we had a good run, did we not? I for one enjoyed the clothes, and some of the people, and energy drinks. WHO looks at sharks, and thinks cocaine? Similarly, what sick bastard dreams of stuffing dead sharks with cocaine? WHAT IS GOING ON?! It must be Thursday. I could never get the hang of Thursdays.
Inglourious Basterds * I take a lot of shit from my beloved and well-meaning friends over my Quentin Tarantino love. It's easy to ignore, because true love is BEYOND their petty jealousy, and I've been hearing the same shit since I was twelve, so I'm immune. But when one of my friends sent me a link with the words, 'What the HELL is your fiancee wearing?" I felt cold, clammy fear: [Found at Go Fug Yourself] Oh, honey, NO. WHY? It HURTS me so. Clearly, you are just trying to steer my attention away from Jackie Earle Haley and your friend Tim Roth, who does not GO OUT IN PUBLIC DRESSED WITH FROGS ON HIM. I have decided to endorse the following explanation:
It does sound right. It sounds wonderful. Oh, QT, our love defies such petty things as distance, or reality, or hideous fashion choices, or my friends' accurate statement that 'He looks like an expensive sausage' or ANY of it. Because I've had a crush on you since I was twelve, and some things are DOOMED. But then again, my mother loves frogs, so perhaps this is all a clever plan to win over my mom, who finds my love for you 'weird and gross'? BRILLIANT, SIR. MAKE ANOTHER FROM DUSK TILL DAWN, PLEASE.
Daily Hot Guy [Zack Snyder, AKA Hottest Director Around. I was considering leaving Quentin Tarantino as today's DHG, but even I, who admit I have a CRUSH, don't think that picture is the best example of his win. So here's a very hot director, and if anyone could find me a picture of Snyder and Tarantino together, I will be your best friend. In theory.]
Life Lessons * This blog does not have a good history with Venn Diagrams, but I like this one, so let's try it again, SHALL WE? [Found at Neatorama] For what it's worth, I'm against any pet that seems interested in chewing on your childs' head. I am FIRM on that matter.
Sherlock Holmes * Gareth David-Lloyd is Watson in a Sherlock Holmes adaptation. His mustache is tiny and makes me sad, but his suit makes me happy, and as someone who has read everything Sir Arthur Conan Doyle wrote, multiple times, and ALSO loves Gareth David-Lloyd, you will find NO SNARK from me here. Even if there is a freaking T-Rex, which is NOT what Sir Arthur Conan Doyle had in mind, and WHO WROTE THIS? I NEED TO SPEAK TO THE AUTHOR.
Whut? * Yeah, this category is for shit I do not understand. I don't know: [Found at World Of Wonder] Really, I have no fucking clue. It's a barbell with LEGS.
Oh, and this is both a tribute to the brilliant and lovely Miss Banshee, who made this, and a gift to my friend who is having a long day:
Time to go kick Thursday in the nuts. Better wear cute shoes... - LV
Awesome * This guy in Phoenix was the victim of an attempted robbery. The attacker had a baseball bat. Luckily, he fought off the would-be robber, WITH A FREAKING SWORD:
I'm ignoring the part of the story where it appears that the sword-wielder managed to cut himself during the fight, because that's not QUITE the sort of awesome we're talking about.
Animals * File this under 'maybe I posted this before but I can't remember and it makes me deeply happy, and DUCKIES, and it's Wednesday and they are ducks climbing an escalator, so shut up, because you can never get tired of that:
Unless you're a bad person. Are you a bad person?
Star Trek * Um.
I don't want Eminem to find out about this guy taking his songs and rapping in Klingon. He'd be angry and confused, and then he'd be violent, and I don't want to know who would win in a fight between Eminem and Klingon, OK?
I don't think I can talk about this. It's sort of genius, and must have taken a long time to do right, but.... it's in Klingon. Could someone explain the connection between Eminem and Worf? Because I'm confused, and a little bit upset. It's jarring.
AND the dude is German, which adds another layer to the Language Sandwich we are constructing.
Daily Hot Guy [Rainn Wilson, AKA Dwight from The Office, US version. The rest of you like John Krasinski, who is indeed easy on the eyes, but I prefer the weird mastery of Dwight Schrute, than you very much. Plus, I'd be rich in beets, STRIKE OUT JIM.]
FlashForward * I am behind on this show, but I will catch up, because it is like Lost in the sense that if you miss an episode, it is GAME OVER, man. and you will never be caught up, and I LIKE almost everyone in the show, and I forgot how pretty Gabrielle Union is, and I LOVE her and John Cho, because they are the cutest couple. So. Here's a pre-game from last week, because we need NOTES, and I hope you're all writing this down, because there WILL be a test.
Girly Shit * I can't even say if I like these shoes, because I am something of a whore for buckles, and red, so I am helpless before these heels: {Found at Shoe Lust] I think.... I am liking them. They are red and have heels, and shiny buckles, and would look cute with jeans. I'm so glad we cleared this up.
WTF, INTERNET? * Warning: If you think I overuse capslocks normally, you may want to skip this. WHAT. THE FUCK. I know I show some truly ridiculous shit in this category, but this product has the distinction of being both ridiculous AND offensive, and I hate everyone involved with the production. EVERYONE. DO YOU HEAR ME?
There is nothing worse than not being a virgin, if you're a woman. NOTHING. Because sex is EVIL. EVIL. BURN THE UNCLEAN. So if you, in a moment of weakness, HAVE sex, you are doomed, DOOMED.
But now, thanks to SCIENCE, you can relive the awkward and discomfort of your first experience EVERY SINGLE TIME YOU HAVE SEX. Yes, now there is a product - which you BUY, with MONEY - that you INSERT, and you can pretend to be a virgin again. IT EVEN BLEEDS A LIQUID. I AM NOT MAKING THIS SHIT UP: [Found at Geekologie] THIS IS INSANE. NO, REALLY. IT'S NOT OK ON ANY LEVEL. I like to think I'm pretty relaxed about sexual proclivities. Whatever you do in private, with consenting adults, is totally your business. Well done, have at it. BUT BUT: If you A) are with a guy who will react so badly to you not being a virgin that you buy a PRODUCT THAT SPEWS OUT A LIQUID TO FAKE YOUR VIRGINITY, or B) are with a guy who can only enjoy sex if you BUY A PRODUCT THAT YOU JAM IN YOUR UNMENTIONABLES TO SIMULATE VIRGINITY, you have problems. MAJOR problems. THIS IS GROSS. IT IS GROSS, AND IT IS LYING, AND IT CANNOT BE SAFE OR HEALTHY TO DO SHIT LIKE THIS. AND WHY ARE GIRLS MAKING THEMSELVES PRETEND VIRGINS? WHAT IS THE BIG DEAL? VIRGINITY IS NOT GOOD OR BAD. IT IS NOT SOME TO ASPIRE TO OR REVILE. IT JUST IS. IF YOU WANT TO WAIT, GREAT (hah, that rhymed). IF YOU DON'T, GREAT. DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY.
BUT ANYONE WHO IS SO OBSESSED WITH VIRGINITY THAT THEY WILL SPEND THIRTY BUCKS ON A KIT TO PRETEND TO BE A VIRGIN, GET HELP, OK? IT'S THIRTY BUCKS. AND THERE IS NO WAY THAT THIS IS GOOD FOR YOU. AND WHAT IF THE FAKE HYMEN POPS OUT, AND YOU TRAUMATIZE SOME POOR GUY? THERE IS SO MUCH THAT COULD GO WRONG.
AND IT HAS FAKE BLOOD. HAPPY HALLOWEEN, I NEED TO GO HUG A STUFFED ANIMAL AND LISTEN TO SOOTHING MUSIC.
Music
What? This qualifies as soothing music. It's all Larissa's fault, for having brilliant music taste, and then sharing it, and generally being the musical goddess of the universe. So blame her for this win.
Technology * I still don't have any fucking clue what Google Wave is, but I don't care anymore, because Samuel L. Jackson makes things better, except when he wears purple velvet pants, which are just upsetting:
Don't you feel better now?
Art * WATERMELON ART: [Found at Like Cool] It's pretty, and then you eat it, except I don't like watermelon, so you can eat it, but it's still pretty, yes?
You can laugh all you want, but I like Maury, and I will continue to like it. Just needed to say that. - LV
