Some People Juggle Geese!

Blog
* Title comes from Firefly, and it is not a metaphor. I hope.

Politics
* Guys, I am really disappointed. I was hoping Mark Sandford was, I don't know, a spy. Or a ninja. Or an alien. YES. I wanted Mark Sandford to be the first alien to make contact with humans. Something INTERESTING. Or at least having an affair with a gay panda. Instead, blah blah blah, he's having an affair with some normal woman. It would be one thing if it was Sarah Palin, or that Canadian lady who ate the seal heart. Can you IMAGINE their children? But no, the lady seems dignified and normal, excluding her truly disgusting taste in men. This whole story has become a great disappointment. Bring back David Vitter and his Diaper Love. That made me laugh. And throw up, but at least I wasn't BORED.

WTF, INTERNET?
* I have to admit, I am tempted to get this for people I hate:

[Found at NerdApproved]
You get a gift card, put it in one of these vaults, and the person you give it to can't spend the gift card until they beat the game. And those games are the hardest games in the history of the universe. They destroy the psyche. If you want to be REALLY evil, put a fake gift-card in the vault. Then, after hours - nay, DAYS - of desperately trying to get their $100 gift card to Best Buy, they beat the puzzle, open the vault with tears in their eyes, and read on the back of the 'gift card': 'Maybe next time you WON'T fuck my boyfriend. Happy birthday, you walking venereal disease!' Not that I would EVER do that. I don't buy people like that presents.
On the other hand, if someone gets you this vault, you could just smash it with a hammer.

Zombies
* This is JUST what those naive zombie sympathizers want you to think:

[Found at NoiseBot]
I want this shirt, regardless of the lying. If you're foolish enough to believe this, we have no use for you in the wake of the zombie apocalypse. Also, it's a zombie shirt. Everyone needs more of those.

Animals
* Because animals are cute, except for that video I just saw of a COW EATING A BABY CHICK which I am NOT posting to, because HOLY SHIT WHAT'S WRONG WITH NATURE? OK, I will post that video:

VEGANS LIE. If COWS have started eating meat, I should be allowed to enjoy my bacon without your judgment. I don't STEAL MY BACON from it's Mommy Bacon and have it flutter in my mouth, DO I? NO, I do not. This is the freakiest video of the day, and I hate that I know of its existence. Here is a picture of two animals NOT hurting each other:

[Found at UniqueDaily]
The mouse and leopard later became friends, and took down the Killer Cow.

Movies
* There are movies coming out in July that I would like to see (Public Enemies, WOOO) but you could save a lot of time and money by just reading the International Society of Supervillains' movie previews. And Johnny Depp DOES sound like he should be going 'All right all right all right!' in the trailer. CURSE YOU, ISS.

Girly Shit

[Found at FashionServed]
If Elle is correct, and this is the next big trend in fashion, I will be totally happy to be considered unfashionable. I love clothes and all, and fashion, but I have enormous issues with stealing from Ronald McDonald's wardrobe and stopping only long enough to skin a koala for my bag. Suddenly Lady Gaga's outfits seem positively quaint.

Music
* Philippine prisoners doing a dance tribute to Michael Jackson. Sometimes the world is kind of cool.


Daily Hot Guy

[Alexander Skarsgård, AKA Eric Northman from True Blood, who gets snarkier and more evil as each episode passes, and therefore more sexy, and while he cannot beat Sam in my affections, I want him to corrupt me. Also, as my friend said, he and Lafayette are meant to be a power couple. Eric, why are you so afraid of love?]

Technology
* Yeah, it's cute that the robot can read to you NOW:

[Found at CrunchGear]
Until you have it read, I don't know, Necromancer or Do Android's Dream of Electric Sheep?, and it has questions you cannot answer, and the robot decides that it's going to read you your DEATH WARRANT. Then, not so fun.

Watchmen
* Here is a brilliant video about Doctor Manhattan, who has the OPPOSITE problem of Tobias Funke: Instead of being a Never-Nude, he's an ALWAYS NUDE. That joke needs some work. But he does need pants. Very, very badly. And Nite Owl needs to stop crying naked in the basement whenever Rorschach eats all his beans. Because that's what happened in my mind. NOBODY DIED AT THE END OF WATCHMEN. EVERYONE IS FINE. THEY ALL WENT CAMPING.

Tattoo Of Win

[Found at LOLTATZ]
As the comments say, very accurately, Gotham is actually Chicago. Metropolis is New York. So this should be, um, Superman or Spider-Man. Also, I don't know how to feel about this tattoo. In general. Holy mixed media, Batman! Sorry, I'm sorry.

Food

* Deporitaz on Twitter shared this wonder with the world. It doesn't work... YET. But every time my computer angers me, I can chew on this keyboard. WHO CREATED THIS TREASURE? WE MUST WORSHIP YOU.

OK, I need to go do stuff. And it's nice out again. So I'll spend the day in the office. But the office of AWESOME. Truly, you are jealous of my work arrangements. As you should be. They are win.
- LV

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What Can The Harvest Hope For If Not For The Care Of The Reaper Man?

Blog
* Title comes from Reaper Man by Terry Pratchett. You should read every Discworld book. You might know what the hell is going on.

Comics
* This is a perfectly valid reason to hate California. They have the San Diego ComicCon. Wouldn't it be better to have the New Jersey ComicCon? And make it the BEST Con EVER? Have you explored the possibilities of New Jersey? We have lovely beaches! And I'm here! GOD DAMMIT BRING DOLLHOUSE TO NEW JERSEY. I DESERVE ALPHA. And Psych. And V. God, I'm depressed now. Will someone pay to ship me to the Con? I will reward you with... um... I can make bacon?

Words Of Win

[Found at Indexed]

YouTube Wonders
* I KNOW we've all seen this countless times, but it pisses PETA off to no end, and they cry bitter vegan tears, which I enjoy, and anyway, WHO KNEW OUR PRESIDENT WAS A NINJA?!

Admit it. This is badass. Our last President couldn't chew a snack without potential DEATH.

Books
* So, Alice Hoffman, author of Practical Magic, Here On Earth, and other books I have not read but have seen the shitty movie versions of, kind of went insane on Twitter. Apparently someone gave her new book a mediocre review, and she responded by posting the woman's phone number and declaring Unholy Twitter War upon her lowly brow. The review wasn't even that bad. Did she READ any of the Transformer 2 reviews? I had professors in college who could reduce a student to tears by casually ripping through a paper they'd devoted months of their lives to. Even as a semi-professional writer myself, I deal with a lot of criticism (including the occasional person suggesting I drop dead, which is fine and all, but a little intimidating). You get used to it. And after writing a bunch of books, including several that have been made into shitty movies (I have not read the books. They may be wonderful. I am just saying the MOVIES sucked. THEY ARE DIFFERENT. Please don't yell at me on the interwebs. I'm fragile) I'd expect you to have a thicker skin. But what do I know? I'm working on my second book, it's not done, may never be done, and I may never know the heady experience of having a professional critic rip my work to shreds.

People I Love
* Because I couldn't find any other category, and this made me grin a lot, here are Simpsonized versions of AWESOME:
Yatta!

[Found at i09]

[Found at i09]
Remember that episode where Leonard Nimoy came to open up the monorail, and Mayor Quimby was all, 'May the force be with you!' and when Mr. Nimoy asked if Quimby knew who he was, Quimby replied, 'Weren't you one of the Little Rascals?' I love The Simpsons.
There are more here, including the cast of Lost and Battlestar Galactica.

Remake!Fail
* This is for my friend Arre, who will go on an insane killing spree when this movie comes out, AS SHE SHOULD. Mr. Spielberg, Mr. Smith: Maybe between the lawsuits and the fan outcry and the RAIN OF FROGS ON FIRE, you should reconsider remaking Oldboy, particularly with Will Smith, who is many things, but does not seem qualified to play ANY VERSION of the character from the original. Also, my friend Arre really doesn't want you to make this movie, and she's pretty kick-ass, so maybe you should consider THAT, sir. Also, stop making movies about World War II. It was a big deal. I GET IT. WE ALL GET IT. STOP MAKING ME DISLIKE YOU, MR. SPIELBERG. I DO NOT WANT TO. So, don't remake Oldboy, ESPECIALLY with Will Smith, and stop making movies about World War II. Good? Good.

Star Trek
* Zachary Quinto posted info on his blog about all the monies Star Trek made, so you should all get a big 'Thank You' for seeing it (and if you're like me and saw it twice, Zachary Quinto comes to your house and hugs you, in my mind). As long as Transformers 2 doesn't beat its numbers, I will be happy. I really hated that movie.

TeeVee
* Burn Notice is the bestest show, and NOT just because Bruce Campbell sees fit to grace the screen with his wisdom and sass and chin. WHY ARE YOU NOT WATCHING IT? And if you ARE watching it, watch it more. Or promote the shit out of the show. It's not in danger of being cancelled, because the Wrath of Bruce would be mighty, but when a show is this wonderful, you need to promote the shit out of it. Also the DVDs are coming out, so buy them for yourselves and your loved ones and random people on the street. In this way Burn Notice will bring about World Peace.

Daily Hot Guy

[Alan Tudyk, who is Alpha or Wash, or even That Dude From 3:10 To Yuma, and I was so excited he was in the movie, but really I miss Wash. And I want more Alpha. Alpha needs to be around always. And if Dollhouse was real and I was filthy rich and immoral, you BET I would order Alpha all the damn time. And be killed for it, but SEXILY]

Journalism
* So Shepard Smith is the only guy on FOX News who is willing to listen to the other side, and sometimes will disagree with the Cult of Limbaugh. He's still a conservative, but he's not INSANE or EVIL, and therefore he must be fired and stoned in public, and then eaten by Rush Limbaugh. Personally, I like the fact that Smith had the cojones to say that this is America, and we don't torture, because it's wrong. DON'T EAT ME LIMBAUGH.

Celebrity!Fail
* WHY do celebrities keep making clothes? And random celebrities. These are Spike Lee Nikes:

[Found at LikeCool]
I think they are very ugly. And Spike Lee needs to make a good movie (Inside Man kicked ass, but WHEN was that?) before he starts in on shoes.

Random
* I think Bernie Madoff should be eaten by Rush Limbaugh. Feed the beast! And let Shepard Smith live!

Geek Want
* If I ever have a job that demands business cards, I will give spirograph business cards to everyone I meet:

[Found at BoingBoing]
I miss Spirographs. Remember those awesome commercials they used to have?

SPARKLE SPARKLE SPIROGRAPH.

Here is a picture of me in my spiffy new hat:


Happy Monday.
- LVrr

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It's Like A Party In My Mouth & Everybody's Throwing Up!

Blog
* Title comes from Futurama.

Food
* Did you know that an onion can soothe a bee-sting? I never get stung by bees, because I do not freak out when I see them, and generally just ignore them until they go away. I am afraid of a number of ridiculous things, but bees are not on the list. On the downside, you then have to spend the day smelling like an onion, which could seriously hamper your social life.

Movies
* Courtney Cox Arquette and David Arquette are determined to completely ruin the memory of the original Scream, by making a fourth movie. The first scared the shit out of me, the second was fairly creepy and had a nice Friday The 13th homage, the third one made no fucking sense and blew. If tradition follows, the fourth will cause cancer, massive brain embolisms, and a deep hatred for Neve Campbell. Plus, how many times can Dewey get STABBED?

* There is going to be a Stretch Armstrong movie. That is the joke, punchline, and tragic resolution all in one sentence.

* A futuristic Macbeth with Anthony Stewart Head as Duncan? If they could somehow meld this with Repo! The Genetic Opera and have Mr. Head sing as he gets murdered, and Lady Macbeth sing as she washes her hands with bleach or cuts off the skin, this would be awesome. The above is also the reason why nobody lets me have any say in movies.

* Click here to see the greatest bit of character casting in the history of the universe, or at least the Thor universe. Also extra points for Beard Win.

Ad!Fail
* Remember that porno-rific Burger King ad? Well, the folks over at Best Week Ever have a few more suggestions on obscene advertising:

[Found at BestWeekEver]

[Found at BestWeekEver]
Clearly, I was absent the day that someone explained why tiny penis-fries are a solid marketing idea. Click here for even more ads, including Dunkin' Donuts, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

Depression Session
* You need to stay buff during the depression. Then, when young hooligans try to steal your last bag of rice, you can beat them to death and feast on their stringy, half-starved flesh. So, in conclusion, you should use bleach bottles as dumbells to get stronger and increase the chance that when cannibalism becomes a necessary evil, you will be the eater instead of the eaten. I'm thinking of your welfare.

Girly Shit
* These are boots collected from military bases, then redesigned with Native American artwork to show different types of American Patriotism:

[Found at CoolHunting]
They are also totally badass, and I want about ten different pairs, because I like boots and irony. Click here for many different styles and colors.

Music
* I like this remix of Lady Gaga's LoveGame featuring Marilyn Manson because, if nothing else, it proves that the difference between pop music and scary rock music is often all in the voice singing the words.

Suddenly it goes from a fun, sexy song to a frightening, threatening tune about how Marilyn Manson will throw you into his pit of depraved LoveGames from which you will never escape.

Technology
* I think the International Society of Supervillains should have to handle all spam mail I receive, forever, because they will laugh and be amused, and then they will destroy you and everything you hold dear, which is the only real way to respond to spam.


Watchmen
* Jackie Earle Haley (or at least his official site) implores you to check out these fan videos. You do not question Mr. Haley. You do as he says, bow before him, and ask him to say "Waiting for a flash of enlightenment in all this blood and thunder," because they CUT IT FROM THE MOVIE. I wish I could make fan videos. I have no skills. Also, as much as I love him, I think knowing Rorschach in high school would have ended up with me dead or deeply resentful. AND TOTALLY WORTH IT.

Daily Hot Guy

[Sam Trammell, making pain and blood required parts of a healthy relationship, DAMN this poster needs to be mine, and he needs to deliver it, and Sunday is True Blood day, HUZZAH]

Tattoo Of Win
* Ouch.

[Found at LOLTATZ]

Food
* If James Bond drank wine instead of martinis, this would be the kit he used to open wine bottles:

[Found at NerdApproved]
Then James would knock out the Russian Spy Lady with the fake bottle, drain it in one chug, have sex with her, have sex with a chair, have sex with a villain, shoot some random henchmen, take off his shirt, put his shirt back on, beat the shit out of a tourist asking for directions, has sex with the tourist asking for directions, puts on another suit, and shoots a big gun, and it is AWESOME.

I have a lot to do today. I have an article to write, I need to work on my book, clean closets... it SEEMS like a lot. To me. I want to go back to sleep. Or watch Mark Sandford cry while Sarah Palin yells about things. It would be like the alpha and omega of political history.
- LV

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Fandom Rules

* Due to many requests (OK, a few, but they were PERSISTENT) I have made a list of Fandom Rules. Some are general for all fandoms, and some are specific. All are good. Some are for fanfiction. Basically, these have been compiled as a quick reminder on how not to be batshit insane and shame all members of your fandom, and fandoms everywhere:

GENERAL RULES
Good: Getting a fandom tattoo.
Bad: Trying to tattoo other people with your fandom's symbol.
Getting a fandom tattoo in the first week of a fandom, then complaining about it.
Getting a fandom tattoo in a supremely personal area, then insisting on showing it to the creator of your fandom, in public.

Good: Knowing every detail about your fandom.
Bad: Forgetting that your fandom is a FANDOM, and that while in theory it would be awesome to, say, dress up as a vigilante and roam the streets for justice, your local authorities might have a problem with that.

Good: Crying and being sad when a fandom character dies.
Bad: Seeking vengeance against the actor/writer who caused your charatcer's death.

Good: Having a sense of humor about your fandom.
Bad: Raging at people who DARE to post crack!fic, funny pictures, or anything remotely entertaining, because only YOU could possibly comprehend the intricacies of said fandom.

Good: Having parties centered around your fandom.
Bad: Not telling your guests about the fandom theme of your party, then spending the whole night answering questions like, 'Why do you have pointy ears glued on?' or 'Have your eyebrows always been that angular?'

Good: Being involved in roleplaying games.
Bad: Pretending your whole life is a roleplaying game, particularly if your fandom is something like Oz.

Good: Sharing fun/interesting pictures of your favorite fandom actor.
Bad: Mailing yourself to the actor thinking you're in a real relationship with them.

Good: Going to a convention.
Bad: Going to a convention fully prepared to leave with a criminal record.

Good: Building a fansite.
Bad: Systematically undermining and destroying other people's fansites.

Good: Being attracted to people from your fandom & discussing said attraction.
Bad: Describing, in unnervingly graphic detail, your sexual fantasies about real-life people, including the model and make of the chains you intend to use.

Good: Owning memorabilia from your fandom.
Bad: Stealing memorabilia from dying orphans.

Good: Feeling contempt for people who fail to comprehend the awesome of your fandom.
Bad: Physically attacking people who dislike your fandom and beating them with replicas of your fandom's favorite weapons.

Good: Writing fanfiction that is funny/sexy/silly/dramatic/interesting.
Bad: Writing fanfiction that is so bad it actually manages to ruin the source material for readers/gratuitous use of Mary Janes/not using spell-check.

Good: Discovering a fandom and eagerly learning about it from longtime followers.
Bad: Discovering a fandom, looking up the details on Wikipedia, claiming supreme knowledge of the fandom, and verbally abusing true fans who correct your mistakes.

Good: Not sharing spoilers without fair warning.
Bad: Posting, 'OMFG I can't believe ---------- died!'

Good: When meeting a writer/actor from your fandom, being enthusiastic and polite.
Bad: When meeting a writer/actor from your fandom, screaming their name and trying to staple yourself to their leg.

Good: Tweeting friendly messages to those writer/actors who use Twitter.
Bad: Tweeting any message along the lines of, 'I want to be a part of you,' or 'You left the fridge open.'

Good: Sharing theories and ideas about your fandom, and listening to others.
Bad: Posing a truly insane theory with no basis in fact or reality, then losing your shit and E-Yelling when others laugh/correct you.

Fanfiction Rules
Danceswithelvis, fanfiction reader and ruler of parts of the internet (I can't tell you which - I'm sworn to secrecy) has the following fanfiction rules. They are wise and good, and must be followed.
1. GLUE IS NOT GOOD LUBE
2. Neither is toothpaste.
2a. Neither is washing machine detergent
3. Womb penetration = BAD.  (YMMV on the whole bumping the cervix thing, though....)
4. Gnawing of delicate flesh is only good if it's Zombie sex.
5. "Tiny dick-like protuberances" is NOT a good description of nipples.  EVER.
6. Rabbits do not go there.
7. If it's bigger than your cranium, do not try to stick it in something the size of a fucking lime.
8. Dwarf fruit and mining caps = instant lulz

Heroes Rules
The word 'Sybrows' must be used at least once every three months in casual conversation.

It's totally okay to want to comply with Zachary Quinto in crazy Sylar mode, because of THOSE EYES.
- Submitted by Kristamaru, interweb ninja sekrit hero who's power is - oh, shit that was a secret, right?

Denying the ridiculous slashy potential of this show is like denying your own soul - and just as painful.

It is always funny when Peter Petrelli gets hurt. What? He can regenerate, WALK IT OFF, PETRELLI.

Firefly/Serenity
Re-watching Firefly and pretending certain characters aren't dead IS acceptable coping behavior.
- Submitted by Kristamaru's boyfriend, who would pilot Serenity to the houses of FOX executives and teach them a thing or two about cancellations.

If you claim to know Chinese, and can only utter the phrases said in Firefly and Serenity, you can still count yourself as bilingual.

If you don't tear up while watching Serenity, you're a robot.
- Submitted by Kristamaru, who is not a robot.... OR IS SHE?

Doctor Who
When discussing Doctor Who, if you have only watched the newer Doctors, you automatically lose the argument if the other person has watched ALL the Doctors.

Crying every time the Doctor regenerates in no way undermines your sanity.

Star Trek
Learning Klingon or Vulcan is kind of cool. Using it on a first date is not suggested, unless it is a Star Trek date, and then you are GETTING LUCKY.

Shouting "KHAAAANNN!" for no discernible reason is always an excellent life choice.

If you love Star Trek, you must love either The Original Series or The Next Generation, if not both. The other series are optional, although highly recommended.

Picard was totally the better Captain. Deal with it.

Watchmen
If you are a fan of Watchmen, it is totally appropriate to strike people who giggle and say, 'Blue dong' when you mention the comic/movie.

It is acceptable to love the Watchmen movie, so long as you agree that the comic is infinitely superior.

It is never OK to utter the words, 'Tom Cruise would have made a great Rorschach.'

Jackie Earle Haley, AKA Rorschach, is a very affable and approachable guy, and gracious to his fans. Do not ruin this by drugging him and forcing him into your luggage to bring him to your secret underground Nite Owl Fortress of Nudity.

It is OK to like Ozymandias, I GUESS. EVEN THOUGH I BLAME HIM FOR EVERYTHING.

It is not OK to own a Rorschach thong.

It is not technically illegal, but it is suicidally unwise, to tell a Watchmen fan that Twilight is the better fandom.


V For Vendetta
It is acceptable to cry every time you watch V For Vendetta.
And speak in alliteration.
And site every difference between the comic and the movie while watching the movie, even if the other viewers have never seen it, because they NEED TO KNOW THESE THINGS.
And hold Fifth of November parties in which you drink English beer, eat English food, and serve egg in a basket, even though you know it's not really English, because it's pretty much the only thing you can cook, OK?!

Lord Of The Rings
If you call someone a hobbit, it must be in an affectionate manner, otherwise the other person has the right to set you on fire.

Harry Potter
It is in fact illegal to make any more jokes about Harry Potter's magic wand.

It is not OK to laugh at someone who's favorite fandom character has died tragically, nay HEROICALLY, for a bunch of whiny little brats who don't appreciate him. It is OK for them to drown you with their tears.

Dollhouse
If you do not like Alpha, you are banned from watching the show.

Other
If you have not read the comic, you cannot speak.

It is never, EVER OK to take the name of Bruce Campbell in vain.

Be respectful of other fandoms. Except Twilight. OK, even Twilight. At least to their faces.

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Okay. I'm Lost I'm Angry & Um I'm Armed.

Blog
* And that's the way we love you best, Mal. Especially when you're also nude. Title is from Firefly.

* I know I said I'd post the Rules Of Fandom yesterday, and I MEANT to, but it's been a stressful week, and I got a little caught up with the drinking of alcohol and working on other writing (book is going well) and doing work research and basically freaking out. Bad life choices, all around. And maybe obsessively watching Michael Jackson videos on VH1 and feeling sad, because the dude NEVER looks happy, and that makes me think of Kurt Cobain, even though I was little when he died, and then I get sad about THAT. Um, so I promise to post the Rules Of Fandom today, and I got more submissions, so thank you, and it's very long and awesome.

TwiHate
* I know, I know. I talk a lot about how all fandoms have value and we should all support each other in theory, even if we hate the other fandoms. Because we're all the same INSIDE, man. But I make fun of Rorschach thongs and other ridiculous merchandise, and I'm not making fun of the fandom ITSELF, and really, this is ridiculous:

[Found at Geekologie]
That's $16.00 vampire lip gloss. It is in no way affiliated with V For Vendetta despite the big V, not that I initially thought that and maybe got really excited, THERE WAS NO FUN MERCHANDISE FOR THAT COMIC/MOVIE. And it plumps up your lips, which I know because I have used that in the past, when I foolishly thought that implying I had been punched in the mouth was what my look needed. And while there was no real connection between swollen lips and V For Vendetta (although I could make a vague one involving the Child Pornography For Justice scene, if I tried) I don't really see a connection with Twilight, either. White pancake makeup? THAT would make sense. I wouldn't even mock it. Online.

Politics
* Dear Rush Limbaugh: You and Sean Hannity should join forces and use your crazy to punch a hole in reality. And, um, I don't know how to tell you this, but Obama doesn't own the banks. Or FOX. He just... he doesn't own those things. I don't really know how else to explain that. Go eat some interns and relax. Click the link to see Rush panicking.

* This website is a memorial to Dr. Tiller, and a tribute to the help he offered women. It might have made me cry, a little. But like I've said, it's been a rough week, and my emotions are all crazy-like. No, I just looked again. It really is that sad.

* A perfect example of how to use Twitter for - well, not evil, but crazy. And ignorant. And the inability to SPELL. I know this is old, but spelling is important. One typo is understandable. I make them myself, so I'd be hypocritical to imply no one ever does. BUT READ HIS TWEETS. And he's a SENATOR. He should be able to spell 'schedule.' AND DON'T SAY HE WAS SHORTENING IT TO FIT ON TWITTER. He wasn't. He thinks it's spelled that way. New law: You want to work in politics? Great. SPELL BASIC WORDS. GAH.

Apocalypse How?
* This category is becoming nothing more than a litany of scary airplane stories, isn't it? Well, airplanes are scary, and while I'll probably have to fly again at some point, unless scientists move their asses and figure out teleportation, I have no doubt that I will spend the flight in the cockpit, screaming at the pilot. 'THAT CLOUD LOOKS FUNNY. DON'T FLY NEAR IT. WHAT'S THAT NOISE? THAT LIGHT IS FLASHING MAKE IT STOP. KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE SKY. NO, YOU CANNOT GO TO THE BATHROOM. IT'S ONLY SIX MORE HOURS. STOP CRYING! THAT MAKES IT HARDER TO SEE THINGS.'
But if I'd been on this plane, I imagine my hysteria would have been justified. The pilot told passengers to sit at the back of the plane to balance out the heavy luggage. BECAUSE OTHERWISE THE PLANE WOULD FLY CROOKED AND MAYBE CRASH AND KILL EVERYONE. Also, people were sobbing like babies as they disembarked. Maybe I'll take a boat home. Or a train. OR A MULE. Yep, good ol' mules. You never hear about those exploding and killing everyone. Mule travel is the way of the future.

WTF, INTERNET?
* On one hand, this product might be genius. It might be child abuse, which I frown on in general, unless the kid is a mean little shit, and even then it's probably not the ideal plan of action. This is a ball and chain to make you study:

[Found at Neatorama]
You attach it to your leg, set the timer, and it won't let go until you're done. This strikes me as kind of against some law, although I couldn't tell you WHICH law in particular, because I don't know how creative lawmakers are. But you could use this if you were a babysitter. Or kidnapping someone. The point is, you could really use this for evil instead of good. And being chained to your desk doesn't guarantee you're studying. Trust me. You could be doodling, or staring off into space. There's no way to make someone stop doing THAT without removing their eyeballs, and then studying is the least of your concerns.

Zombies
* OK, you guys suck. WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME ABOUT THIS WEBSITE?! Actually, people DID tell me, so thank you sincerely for that. All my monies are going to this site. I AM PREPARING. I want this sword. I know guns are great, and I love guns for zombie attacks, but you NEED a hand-held weapon when you're fighting in closed quarters, and I LUST after this.

[Found at ZombieTools]
But I also need stronger fingerless gloves. The ones I bought from Hot Topic aren't really durable enough to survive the zombie apocalypse.

Daily Hot Guy
* You are aware that the next Iron Man movie could be this image onscreen for two and a half hours, and I wouldn't DARE complain. It wouldn't even occur to me to be anything but GRATEFUL for such a bounty:

[Robert Downey Jr, LOOK AT THOSE ARMS]

Up next: Fandom Rules. I PROMISE.
- LV

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Michael Jackson

Music
* Like everyone else alive on earth at this moment, I am very sad over Michael Jackson. It was so damn ABRUPT, you know? And I grew up on Michael. When I was little my dad let me watch the Thriller video on MTV one Halloween, and I was scared shitless (and now I love zombies, so SEE HOW THINGS AFFECT US?). In first or second grade, my class sang 'Heal the World' and 'Black or White.' We were not good. And I fell down trying to do the Moonwalk. And I loved that song 'You Are Not Alone,' even though the video scared the living SHIT out of me, and in some ways was creepier than any Nine Inch Nails video. And it's sad. I feel like he was lost. But no matter how you feel about his crazy (and, like most talents, he was pretty damn weird) he was a genius. My favorite album was 'Off The Wall.'
Favorite Michael Jackson songs (In No Order): 'Billie Jean,' 'Black or White,' 'Smooth Criminal,' 'Beat It,' 'Rock With You,' & 'Thriller.'
And to remind you how badass he was, here's one of my favorite videos of MJ:

This is how I first saw him. I was six, and I remember seeing this performance. I don't remember what happened ten minutes ago. And I'd like to remember him like this. Singing and dancing and being awesome. I know this isn't by FAR his best song. But it's the one that was a part of my childhood, and I love it. And that's how I want to remember Michael Jackson.
- LV

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Bruce Campbell Can Watch A Season Of '24' In Just 3 Hours.

Blog
* Title is true. But I'd rather watch a season of Burn Notice over and over. Why can't Bruce Campbell come into my life and serve me Fuzzy Navels and teach me about life? DON'T I DESERVE THAT?

* I have been working on a List of Fandom Rules since a discussion on Twitter last night about inappropriate/appropriate fandom behavior. It is essentially done, and I will be posting it later. I am also accepting contributions on ANY aspect of fandom you think should have rules. You will be credited. Email me your rules/suggestions at elle.veev@gmail.com.

* I wrote some about Michael Jackson, but it didn't feel right to sandwich it in between Tattoo Of Win and, I don't know, obscene furniture. So I'll post that entry right after this one.

Life
* Yesterday was a weird day. Like, a WEIRD FRIGGING DAY. Farrah Fawcett died, then Michael Jackson died, then Jeff Goldblum and Harrison Ford died, only not really, then a really great thing happened for me career-wise, then I got my LSAT scores. I AM EXHAUSTED. AND I HAVE A LOT OF WORK TO THIS WEEKEND. So this entry is going to be me posting whatever the hell I feel like, BECAUSE.

Freakangels Friday
* When the world is in chaos, and Mark Sandford is sexing it up in foreign countries and iconic people are dying, and sick bastards online are pretending Jeff Goldblum died, WHICH IS NOT OK, YOU FUCKERS, and it's raining AGAIN, and our deepest beliefs are proven to be nothing more than flimsy lies, we can always turn to Warren Ellis. He will distract us with his genius/offend us with his comments. That is what he does. As every week, I will read the comic after I write this. Spoilers below my signature.

Tattoo Of Win

[Found at LOLTATZ]

Food
* After drinking celery-flavored soda, I feel like I am emotionally and physically prepared to handle ANY weird soda you throw at me. Except kimchi-flavored. I have an aversion to that stuff. One of my college roommates kept it under her bed, despite the fact that we HAD A FRIDGE IN THE NEXT ROOM. Whenever I see kimchi now, I get the urge to clean.

Comics
* ROBOCOP COMIC! I will be happy so long as it is even HALF as awesomely ridiculous as the movie. PLEASE don't get rid of the silly. And violence. Massive quantities of violence. I want the pages to be slightly damp with blood.

Words Of Win
*
[Found at Indexed]

YouTube Wonders
* Due to the crazy overwhelming of yesterday, I have been looking for links/images/videos in my Bookmarks for this blog that make me happy. And when you need happiness in your life, you turn to Will Arnett, AKA Gob. Gob makes everything better. Except herpes. I think Gob actually makes that worse. But not Will Arnett. Even if he IS going to be in that G-Force movie about the gerbil spies that I cannot DEAL WITH TODAY.

Great To See You Feat. Will Arnett, Amy Poehler, Peter Serafinowicz and Sarah Alexander from Will Arnett

Don't you feel better about EVERYTHING?

Books
* Haha, Simon and Schuster just gave the middle finger to the Kindle, which I support. Although don't assume that I'll be purchasing this Scribd thing. I read books made from ink and paper, because I hate the environment and trees.

People I Love
* Dude, there is HAIR at the end of Bruno's bull-penis:

[Found at WorldOfWonder]
And you KNOW he specifically requested that. Sacha Baron Cohen is a sly imp of mischief and good cheer. And penis fur.

Daily Hot Guy

[Continuing this blog theme of naked hot guys (WHAT? THEY MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY), here is Nathan Fillion, who makes people ecstatic even while fully clothed. Also, this picture makes me think of this XKCD comic:

Which is genius and I hope Nathan Fillion knows about it and laughs]

Star Trek
* Look, I won't lie, I just want Chris Pine to scream "KHAAAAAANNNNN" real loud at some point in the next movie. The rest is incidental. Although if Zachary Quinto wants Spock to go through pon farr, I will not complain.

TeeVee
* Further proof that I belong in England, where they have The IT Crowd, as opposed to America, where we have Dance Your Ass Off. Oh, sure, the DVD is out in America now, but that HARDLY makes things better.

Journalism
* It's very sad that Joe Scarborough doesn't want to live anymore. That' s the only explanation for him CONTINUING to discuss Jon Stewart. Here's a hint, Joe: He's angry because you are stupid, and you lie. These things anger him. Maybe if you stopped talking, he'd calm down and love you like you want. Just an idea.

Geek Want
* You know what I need to get back into the swing of things after yesterday's emotional rollercoaster? A shiv cosy:

[Found at BoingBoing]
Really, can you imagine ANY situation that would not be improved by a shiv cosy? One? Any takers? I didn't think so.

More later, including the Fandom Rules. Which, if you do not send me suggestions (those of you that have are off the hook) will be short and sad. Next post will be my insufficient tribute to Michael Jackson. Spoilers for FREAKANGELS below my signature.
- LV
Spoilers For This Week's FREAKANGELS. Read the Comic before reading This
KARL IS ALIVE. ONE PERSON I LIKE HAS NOT YET DIED. Which means he'll be dead next week. Horribly. And remember that girl Luke was raping? I know she was confused, with all the brain-meddling, but wouldn't you ask why the unconscious man has his pants round his ankles? I mean... I would. And Kait is out of her goddamn skull, officially. It looks like Guantanamo Bay in a basement. I kind of think Arkady is going to have an enormous problem with this torturing thing. It's frowned about in polite society. ARE THEY GOING TO KILL LUKE? Mr. Ellis, well done once again.

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My Food Is Problematic.

Blog
* Well, you know what, River? MY food is DELICIOUS. Title is from Firefly. Please don't hurt me, River.

* This may seem like shameless self-promotion, but I find this too flattering NOT to mention. Mary K, a reader and amazing blogger in her own right (her book reviews are essential, and fabulous reading) nominated my blog for an award. Because my screaming about zombies and shoes and Watchmen seems to appeal to some people. Weirdos. Thank you so much, and I will aspire to keep this blog entertaining, if nothing else.

Apocalypse How?
* I often say I want to move to England. Not just because I find the accents wicked sexy, or they invented Doctor Who, or High Wizard Alan Moore lives out there, or I could find Russell Brand and tackle him and love him politely greet him, or because I actually LIKE the food and the music and the weather. Those are all good and solid reasons, but here is an additional impetus: They have a plan for surviving a nuclear attack. Hopefully not just reading V For Vendetta and praying that Hugo Weaving will don the mask and let his sexy voice lead us all to freedom. That tears it. I'm going to England, just as soon as someone finds a way to get me there that doesn't involve an airplane.

WTF, INTERNET?
* It's things like this that make me sort of hate surfers, no matter how nice/sexy they are:

[Found at LikeCool]
This is a wetsuit with shark bites already in place, to make you look cool, I guess. I don't know. To be honest, the guy looks rather toolish and smug with his fancy wetsuit. And what happens when he gets bitten by an ACTUAL shark? 'Hey, I think Shane is in serious trouble. There's a hunk of his leg missing and he's having trouble swimming. 'Ah, he's just messing around. It's part of his wetsuit.' 'Oh. Sure does look realistic. Who wants another Coronoa?' And then Shane is all DEAD, isn't he?

Zombies
* LEGO ZOMBIES FTW. DRAWINGS OF LEGO ZOMBIES:

[Found at BoingBoing]
That's all.

Nature
* Someone stole a dinosaur head. Don't ask me, I didn't do it. I DIDN'T. I was studying for the LSATs at the time, and I SEE you admiring my new hat-rack that's shaped like the skull of a large animal, I GOT IT AT URBAN OUTFITTERS. No, you can't borrow it.

Movies
* Johnny Depp has a private island, with a beach named in honor of my late imaginary husband, Hunter S. Thompson. This has little to do with movies, except that Johnny Depp is IN movies quite often, and in the internal movie of my mind Johnny Depp takes me to his private island, and I am best friends with everyone cool, and I marry Russell Brand, because even in my internal movie I am MORAL, dammit, and would not get involved with a man in a committed relationship, unless I could maybe find a really good excuse.

* ALSO I forgot to add this to my Transformers 2 review: DOESN'T THE WHOLE, 'HE HAS INFORMATION IN HIS BRAIN THAT AN ALIEN RACE DESIRES' PLOTLINE REMIND YOU OF HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY, ONLY GONE HORRIBLY, HORRIBLY WRONG?

Ad!Fail
* So, Burger King ad execs got up one morning, rubbed the sleep from their eyes, looked out the window and said, 'You know what? Subtlety is for assholes':

[Found at Gawker]
Although I don't really understand why this would make anyone want to EAT this thing. I mean, unless eating it makes girls suddenly lose their composure with lust, but even then wouldn't they be more interested in the sandwich than you? And as a member of the fairer sex (we have our moments), let me just say that this does not make me want to buy this sandwich. Size does matter, boys, but when that's all you've got to offer, the appeal fades fairly quickly.

Doctor Who
* Doctor Who Documentary. What else do you need to know?

Depression Session
* The recession will change fashion. That goes under 'effing duh.' Because when you lose your job and have to move home with your parents, and end up getting a part-time job at McDonald's, you aren't in the ideal mindframe to spend $8,000 on a handbag. No matter HOW pretty it is. But expensive shoes are another story. I need those.

Girly Shit
* Someone call the hospital. Marc Jacobs has LOST HIS MIND. I wish it weren't so, but I only speak the truth. Brace yourself for the hideous visual explanation:

[Found at Fashonologie]
This is from his new collection. He is very, very sick. Symptoms include thinking that it's the nineties, and that MC Hammer pants are appealing to ANYONE, including MC Hammer himself, the compulsion to wear big floppy bows around your neck, only dressing in puke colors, and wearing painful green shoes. May be airborne, and highly contagious. Cure involves looking at old Versace ads and breathing deeply into a Louis Vuitton bag. Proceed with caution.

Music
* As if ANYONE needed any more reasons to hate U2, here's them talking about the Spider-Man Musical:

The Edge can live, I guess, if he MUST, but really? Bono makes my eyeballs BLEED BLOOD. To say nothing of my delicate ears. I'm going to play The Damned so as to cleanse my skull.

Daily Hot Guy

[Hunter Stockton Thompson, shirtless. This blog will celebrate his birthday with debauchery, decadence, and drugs, STAY TUNED]

Watchmen
* THE DIRECTOR'S CUT WILL BE IN THEATERS. WE NEED TO GO SEE IT. BLOG FIELD TRIP. I AM SERIOUS. WHO IS COMING WITH ME TO NEW YORK? WE ARE GOING. IT WILL BE LIFE-CHANGING. WE CAN SEE IT THE WEEKEND OF JULY 17TH. THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPS IN MY LOCK TO EXPRESS MY HYSTERICAL JOY.
OH SHIT. WE HAVE A PROBLEM. It's only playing in one theater per city. CURSE YOU ZACK SNYDER. WHY WOULD YOU PLAY WITH MY HEART? OK, the rest of you are uninvited. Survival of the FITTEST. GOD DAMMIT. Also, Snyder only loves people with Blu-Ray, which I do NOT HAVE.
Do you know how HARD IT IS to be a fan of this fandom? Twilight fans don't have to put up with this BULLSHIT. Although the star of their movie was hit by a cab in a non-fatal and therefore HILARIOUS episode, so I guess that evens things out, maybe?

I need to get tickets. NOW. And the new poster JUST FOR THIS EVENT. Who wants to help me? All joking aside. We will swarm like NINJAS. Or Vigilantes. I will wear my fedora, and my fingerless gloves and my trenchcoat, and it will RULE. WHO'S READY TO GET TICKETS AND RETRIBUTION?!

Work now. Oh, and my tooth is cracked or chipped or something and it HURTS and life is CHALLENGING, man.
- LV

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I Can't Wait Til I'm Old Enough To Feel Ways About Stuff!

Blog
* Title is from Futurama.

Review Of Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen
* WARNING: MASSIVE SPOILERS BELOW. IF YOU INTEND TO SEE THIS MOVIE AND DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE ENDING, OR MAJOR PLOT POINTS, DO NOT READ THIS.

I liked the first Transformers movie. I did. I loved the show when I was little, and I made the toys join forces with my My Little Ponies and dinosaurs to overthrow the cruel dictatorship of Barbie (what?). It was a dumb, fun, explody Michael Bay movie, which is what I expected. And John Turturro is all sorts of great. And I may have cried rather a lot at the scene where the police capture Bumblebee and Sam screams at them. The point I'm trying to make is, I am a girl who likes big dumb movies, provided they are fun and entertaining and have explosions of awesome. I would rather sit through a fun stupid movie than a pretentious 'good' movie, which is why I prefer From Dusk Till Dawn to Forrest Gump.

HOWEVER.

The second Transformers movie, which I saw at the behest of my younger brother, has raised a MYRIAD of questions, and therefore the rest of my review will be ordered as such.
- How did the Fallen fail to WIPE OUT early man? 17,000 BC was a LONG TIME AGO, and throwing a SPEAR at a Transformer would make for a laughably short film. Which would have made me happy.

- Why do the twin Autobahns talk like rappers? Do they have faulty wiring, or is that intentional? How are they twins? HOW DO TRANSFORMERS REPRODUCE?

- Why is Josh Duhamel so distractingly sexy? And why is he in this movie? And WHY did Tyrese agree to endorse almost every racial stereotype out there?

- How did Michael Bay manage to get in swine flu jokes? Was he running screaming into post-production, dragging a confused and frightened Shia LaBouf in his wake, howling, "WE NEED TO MAKE TIMELY REFERENCES, DAMMIT."

- Does President Obama like the fact that his name is mentioned in this film? And that he spends part of the movie hiding in a bunker in the middle of the country? I feel like he's going to put a cigarette out on Michael Bay's arm for that one.

- Has it really taken TWO YEARS for someone in the government to mention the location of the Allspark? Wouldn't they discuss that, you know, rather frequently, to make sure that it was safe?

- If every time you touch the Allspark you get a blast of alien memory-crazy, wouldn't there be quite a few government employees scribbling shit all over the walls and generally being unpleasant? Or was everyone using gloves all the time, even though as far as they knew it was a hunk of ROCK?

- Why is Megan Fox's voice so freakishly annoying? And why is she FIXATED on Sam telling her he loves her? And why are Sam's parents so charmed with his girlfriend's habit of TAKING OFF HER PANTS ON THE FRONT LAWN?

- Why are there three - I counted, there are THREE - scenes in this movie about animal/robot humping? Two with dogs, and one with a robot and Megan Fox's leg, and Sam is THREATENED by this.

- WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU MICHAEL BAY? WHO THE HELL ARE YOU TO KILL OPTIMUS PRIME? SCORCESE COULD GET AWAY WITH THAT. NOT YOU. STOP KILLING MY CHILDHOOD ICONS.

- Why is Bumblebee barely in this movie? He was the best part of the first one, and he's my favorite, and he was barely around, except to chauffeur people to and from danger, and SPRAY YELLOW FLUID on girls. AND DID HE KNOW SHE WAS A FREAKY TERMINATOR RIP-OFF, or does he just really like Megan Fox?

- If Transformers can transform into humans, why didn't one transform into Megan Fox to get the information from Sam? And why did the robot feel the need to sex Sam up to get the information? AND WHY DID THAT THING COME OUT OF HER BUTT?

- Why, John Turturro, WHY? YOU WERE IN MILLER'S CROSSING. THE COEN BROTHERS ARE SO DISAPPOINTED.

- Did anyone, really, need to see John's ass at this point in the game? AND WHO WEARS A JOCK-STRAP?

- When did 'taser' become synonymous with 'humor'? Actually, that did have moments of funny, but it was overused. When people get tasered they seize and flop around on the floor. The only funny bit was when John dragged the twitching kid through the Smithsonian.

- Why do they always show Americans hating to eating snails? I LOVE ESCARGOT. Why can Americans never be even a LITTLE cultured? ALSO, how awful is it for Sam's mother to stand, stoned in the courtyard of his new college, and loudly tell people about how she was in the house when he 'popped his cherry'?

- When the world is ENDING and the sun's going to explode/melt/disappear/I don't know, why is Megan Fox STILL whining about Sam not saying he loves her? IS THIS REALLY PERTINENT? And does she really believe the Magic of Love brought Sam back to life?

- What is the POINT of Sam's roommate, except to be shrill and cry and get tasered a lot and have a horrible time?

- In the Big Epic Last Scene, when Sam is trying to get the Matrix to the dead Optimus, the Decepticons are all trying to smush or blow the shit out of him, even though they NEED The Magic Fairy Powder of Life that he has put in his SOCK and blowing him up will not HELP the SITUATION. My question is this: Sam is small and frail and has something they need. Optimus Prime is huge and unarmed and DEAD. WHY WOULDN'T THEY BLOW UP OPTIMUS PRIME? I didn't WANT them to, I'm just saying, THAT would have made SENSE.

- Does Michael Bay have a problem with women? Because the human women all suck in this movie, and the robot women all die.

- If they have a big sucky Decepticon (literally sucky) why didn't they just use the Big Sucky Decepticon to suck up all the Autobahns?

- WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED IN THIS MOVIE? Really, I do not know. Everyone wanted to kill everyone, and Sam was flailing and awkward (and I do think LaBouf is a solid actor, and he had some good moments even in this) and the Prime ghosts brought Sam back from the dead and there was this whole plot about letting your kids go, only sometimes they go off and DIE only to come back magically, and WHAT was the deal with the old robot babbling and DROOLING everywhere, and even though it was sweet that he sacrificed himself for Optimus, doesn't using his bits to make Optimus stronger strike anyone else as morbid?

There's more, but I'm getting shouty. LIKE REALLY SHOUTY. GOD. I DO NOT ASK MUCH FROM MINDLESS SUMMER ENTERTAINMENT, BUT DO NOT INSULT ME. There was an awful lot of talking for an action movie, and even if they WERE giant robots doing the talking, that does NOT make it more interesting.

AND AND that scene where Josh Duhamel tricks the whiny guy into FALLING OUT OF THE PLANE was upsetting, even if Mr. Duhamel is idiotically charming.

Can I say anything good about this movie? Well, it probably doesn't cause cancer. And Rainn Wilson's cameo is hilarious. That's two things. Don't push it.

This is Michael Bay's computer keyboard:

[Found at WorldOfWonder]

I'm going to go scrape the confusion and PAIN off my brain now.
- LV

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I'm Not Sure That One Made It Down The Mountain Gob.

Blog
* Title is from Arrested Development. It's funny that Gob went on to play a religious guru-type in Wristcutters. And by funny, I mean HOT.

Ad!Fail
* You have got to be shitting me:

[Found at BestWeekEver]
They're changing Pizza Hut's name, for monies. Who's idea is this? I tend to get irritated when companies change their names. Remember when Boston Market was Boston Chicken? I was PISSED. And 'The Hut' makes me think of Jabba, and I don't even LIKE Star Wars, and I'm not sure you want to think of Jabba licking Princess Leia when considering where to eat dinner. Also the food is shitty, and dammit, isn't the world crazy enough? Then again, I knew things were going downhill when they started stuffing pasta into pizza like crazed geneticists. Scary times.

Doctor Who
* This is one of my all-time favorite quotes about Doctor Who:

"Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist drivel; Star Trek can turn your brains to purée of bat guano; and the greatest science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll take you all on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up!"

And it was said by Harlan Ellison, who is a fierce and wonderful genius writer that you should all WORSHIP. With that sort of support, being nominated for a few awards is nice and appreciated, but ultimately secondary. Because, really, Doctor Who is like the Meryl Streep of science fiction series - when it DOESN'T win or get nominated, it's just being kind and letting the other shows have their moment to shine.

Inglourious Basterds
* See? I SPELLED IT THE WAY YOU SAID, QUENTIN. Here's another trailer:

I hate to say this, given my unhealthy and inexplicable love for Tarantino, but I kind of agree with the guy from Collider: On one hand, yes it looks awesome, and Nazi killing seems to be the fun activity for the month of August, if Brad Pitt continues to endorse it this way. On the other hand, I want to see more of the damn movie, not the same clips, and also is it just me or does Eli Roth look like a toolish Zachary Quinto? Because that is freaking me out. I'm still going to see it, naturally. Opening day. First showing. But I expect brilliant trailers from Quentin, and this doesn't reach the radness of the Bride's monologue:

How SCARY is Uma Thurman in this trailer? Seriously, I would burst into tears and apologize and beg for a swift death, because she is INTENSE. This made me curse and scream because I didn't want to wait for volume 2 of Kill Bill. The Inglourious Basterds trailer? "Ooh, Quentin made another movie. I shall go see it." Not quite as exciting.

Depression Session
* Rain barrels remind me of 28 Days Later... which was a kick-ass movie, in no small part because of the graffiti that said, 'The End Is Extremely Fucking Nigh" and I like to imagine that whoever wrote that was a distant relation of Rorschach and the movie had Christopher Eccleston, and maybe when the world economy collapses the zombies will rise around that time and we can all live out our lives like that movie, only hopefully the version where Cillian Murphy lives, because otherwise it's just sad, and you're left alone drinking water out of a rain barrel, which is sort of the opposite of cool.

Girly Shit
* In a battle of style, class, talent, and general awesome, Dita Von Teese will ALWAYS beat Beyonce Knowles:

[Found at FabSugar]
Really, pitting these two against each other is laughable, and probably embarrassing for Beyonce. The woman has no idea who she's dealing with, does she? Dita will be generous, though. Maybe she'll just blind the girl with her sequins.

Music
* Here's a really interesting analysis of Lady Gaga's 'Paparazzi' video, and what it says about women and violence. It's an intriguing take, even if I don't agree with all of it, and the video is what STARTED my insane love and admiration for Lady Pantsless, so give credit where it's due, I suppose. Also of interest to anyone who's ever done any sort of cultural/feminist studies.

Technology
* Awww, look at these cute cars! They look like the cars from the movie Cars:

[Found at DVICE]
Aren't they ADORABLE? And they're robotically controlled, to make driving easier! How convenient. I can't wait to- OH GOD IT'S RUNNING OVER MY LEGS. SWEET LORD IT'S DESTROYING THE BIKE SHOPS. ALL HAIL OUR CAR OVERLORDS STOP SMOOSHING MY LEGS

Watchmen
* The Time Of The DVD Is Nigh. And Jackie Earle Haley wants us all to have parties to celebrate, and film the parties. I normally would never argue with the man who played Rorschach, but in this case I will have to abstain from a gathering of people when that movie comes out. I will be losing my shit. I will have to lock myself in a room, possibly with a strong alcohol and a pack of cigarettes, and not come out until I have seen every special feature and memorized every commentary track. Also, as I've said many times before, when I get excited during a movie I punch people in the arm. Hard. And after dragging my friends and family and loved ones to endure Watchmen, V For Vendetta, Star Trek, Harry Potter, Iron Man, Dawn of the Dead, and The Dark Knight, they've reached their limit. I understand. But that means that none of them get to watch my DVD. SO HA.

Tattoo Of Win

[Found at LOLTATZ]

Food
* Have we talked about Baconnaise? I feel like we have. I feel like nobody could keep such a wonderful product a secret. I mean, bacon-flavored mayo? What GENIUS invented such a concept? And SOLD it? It fills me with lust:

[Found at Geekologie]
I have a weird relationship with mayo. I mean, I put it on chocolate. And eat it. As a tasty snack. DON'T KNOCK IT TILL YOU'VE TRIED IT. And I eat bacon every morning. So the moral of the story is, if you want to be thin, eat a ton of bacon and put mayo on all foods. I wonder if I could start a diet program based around that concept, with Baconnaise being the food you have to eat to lose weight. "Put it on an orange! Watch the pounds MELT AWAY." Of course, I'd have to flee the country before the lawsuits appeared, but I could take Russell Brand with me, so win really.

Daily Hot Guy

[Sam Trammell From True Blood. Shirtless. This is at least part of the reason I love the show. Also, because I know you all sit up nights wondering, here's the order of True Blood characters I love:
1. Sam Merlotte
2. Bill Compton
3. Eric Northman
4. Hoyt Fortenberry
5. Terry Bellefleur
What? Bill can be a total douche, but he's so awkward sometimes, AND HE SAID SLATTERN AND RECYCLES, that is hilarious. But he cannot come CLOSE to Sam. I keep thinking of a filthy joke involving Sam and Baconnaise, but I'm not sharing it]

Comics
* YES. Fables as a novel? HELL. YES. It should also be a TV show and a cartoon series and a movie. And a fashion line. I like me some Fables. Don't judge. You're excited too.

Moment Of Win

see more Fail Blog

YouTube Wonders
* Can some EXPLAIN this video to me? Please?

WHY does Zachary Quinto's dog go crazy? Why are the paparazzi following him while he walks his dog? And, most importantly, why the HELL is a man in a meat costume chilling with Mr. Quinto? Please, ease my suffering.

Books
* I like Susan Orlean quite a bit, although her writing style annoys me sometimes. Most of my liking of her comes from A) the fact that I met her when she moderated a discussion between Ethan Hawke and Richard Linklater, and B) Meryl Streep playing her in Adaptation. But maybe she should spend more time thinking before she Tweets about gender roles in fiction. Or explain herself more clearly.

People I Love
* This is my favorite headline of the week:

"Dear God: Why Are Some People Patrick Wilson, And Everyone Else Not Patrick Wilson?"

This is my favorite article about him.
And this is my favorite video of him, possibly surpassing even the Naked Crying In The Basement from Watchmen and the Ass-Slap of Destiny from Little Children:

Although if Silk Spectre had slapped his ass WHILE he cried naked in the basement... that would be the Greatest Moment In Cinematic History.

Star Trek
* Here's a chart about Star Trek and why all you posers suddenly love it:

[Found at Geekologie]
Unlike me. I had First Contact MEMORIZED as a kid, and I ALWAYS loved the franchise, and YOU KIDS PULL UP YOUR DAMN PANTS AND GET OFF MY LAWN.

TeeVee
* House is the most watched TV show in the world. It's all thanks to his cane IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. Or the acting and the storylines, and his crazy. That may make more sense. And Wilson was SHAFTED out of an award last season, and this season, because his grief over Amber UNDID ME. He was so sad, and I cried so much. And he was in NEWSIES. I'm just happy House beat out Desperate Housewives. Suck it, Terri Hatcher.

Journalism
* I'm kidding less and less when I say that The Daily Show is the height of journalism in this day and age. Which is scary and sad and does not bode well for the future of our society, but it's still kind of true. Anyway, here is The Daily Show absolutely ripping The New York Times, for the amusement of all. And, once again, they make some really good points. Remember when comedy news was just comedy, and we didn't use it to get ACTUAL INFORMATION?

Politics
* Well, it's official. My new favorite wingnut is not Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachmann, or even the Canadian Lady Who Ate The Seal. No, it's all about Mark Sandford, who RAN AWAY. And nobody seems sure how to DEAL with this story. The dude just bailed. The Governor of South Carolina was either running naked through the woods screaming, in Buenos Aires doing SOMETHING illegal, or sneaking around Atlanta, for AMERICA. I love this guy. He's like the worst spy in the history of spying, or something. What is he DOING? His wife didn't even know where he went, nor did she seem to care. And he is yet another example of the Republican Party completely losing control of its nutters, and I enjoy their madness so much. I have a theory about Mark Sandford's whereabouts, but it includes underage male prostitutes, cocaine, and doing really unspeakable things with tree branches, so I'll keep that to myself.

Dentit now, because the tracking device in my tooth has become dislodged again. I'm kidding. OR AM I?
- LV

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