If You Gave Alan Moore A Typewriter & 0.001th Of A Second He Could Write The Complete Works Of Shakespeare.

Blog* Unlike most lazy bloggers out there, I intend to post during the holiday weekend. In part because, well, why not? I like blogging. It's what I do while ingesting massive amounts of coffee every morning and howling into the sky over the horrors of being conscious. Basically, expect Fear and Loathing to be on its regular blogging schedule throughout the long weekend. WTF, INTERNET?* This requires a little explanation, and also may expose me as being somewhat clueless on occasion. It's all Twitter's fault, however. Just keep that in mind. Someone on Twitter asked, one fine day, what a poop sock was. If you know what a poop sock is already, you are probably laughing by now. I did not know, and I had some time on my hands. I Googled it, and clicked Images. This was the Wrong Choice. I have had numerous bad experiences with Google Images, usually by typing in something innocent like 'Rorschach' or 'shoes' and getting hideous pictures of genital piercings on strangers, or, I don't know, clowns. But I keep going back, like the internet masochist I am. Anyway. I typed in 'poop sock.' This is the image I got:Now, it does look sort of like a giant glass penis, but this is in no way the most alarming thing I've found online, not by a longshot. So, I used the equally trusty/traumatizing site Urban Dictionary to discover what a Poop Sock really was, and what the hell this big glass penis thing was. And I found out:

Poop Sock: A normal foot sock which is used to catch feces from World of Warcraft players who can't get up to use the bathroom while in the heat of battle.

That glass penis-shaped thing? A poop sock holder. That's what it is. There was a time before I knew about Poop Socks, and a time after. After is worse. Although, in retrospect, Google Images could have shown me things much, much worse. So maybe I should be grateful. Seriously, internet, What The FUCK? Animals* I am almost positive I have posted something like this before, but I am too lazy to go look through my archives, and anyway, this NEVER stops scaring me:[Found at UniqueDaily]That is a crab, and it is real, and it is COMING FOR YOUR GROIN. Look at that bastard. They can be three feet in diameter. Three feet. I am five feet tall. In a fair fight, the crab would probably win. You piss one of these things off, you are dead. Right now they're only found on the Indo-Pacific Islands, but for HOW LONG? I mean, one of those things decides it wants to see New York and attaches itself to the side of a boat, you ain't getting it off. Game Over, Man. Oh, an apparently they are edible and delicious. That is irrelevant, when there is a chance you could wake up with one of those things perched on your chest, staring at you with its beady black eyes.Depression Session* With the economy in the shitter, luxuries like food are becoming harder and harder to justify. At Wired, you can eat free for a year, and probably survive! Most of the links are for England, because everything is better in England. Everything.Girly Shit* I like a lot of MAC products (makeup and computer, HA) but I will not be buying this Style Warrior shit.[Found at MakeupAndBeautyBlog]Leopard and tiger-skin patterns make me think of my Hot Topic high school years or, paradoxically, a geriatric cougar with lip wrinkles smearing this on before going out to hit on drunk college freshmen.Tattoo Of Win[Found at LOLTATZ]Food* I love coffee. No, I REALLY love coffee. Coffee is delicious and makes me happy and keeps me from the yawning void of existential despair that I see most mornings, because mornings are evil. I am a huge fan of coffee. Even shitty coffee. In my book I'm writing, coffee plays a prominent supporting role. This may not speak well of my book, but only further proves the magical powers of coffee. I LOVE coffee.All that aside, I am not drinking coffee from beans that have been shat out by an animal. I do not roll that way. And I have eaten weird food in my time, and will most likely. But the coffee beans were POOD OUT of another living creature. That is too much for me. Also, when the coffee is described as 'rich and syrupy,' I start to gag a little. Food Fail.Comics* I want this book because A) It impressed Cory Doctorow, who is a modern-day techno-wizard, B) It looks gorgeous, and C) The outcome of the campaign made me happy. Moment Of Winsee more Fail BlogSex* This was almost a WTF, INTERNET?, but the Poop Sock upset me on a much more profound level, so it won out. This is beef jerky underwear, and it is also Bedazzled, which adds an extra layer of ick to the whole endeavor:[Found at Geekologie]I mean, yeah, they're funny, and if you're a die-hard meat-lover they would probably make you very happy for like a week. But I look at them, and I can't help but think that have dried beef that close to your unmentionables is a bit unsanitary. I mean, I get it, meat wrapped in meat is HILARIOUS and CLEVER. Yeah, they're for dudes. If my guy showed up wearing one of those, there would be tears. Not happy tears. Shame tears. Jackie Earle Haley* Jackie Earle Haley, who is going to win my survey, which is surprising (no offense to Mr. Haley, who you all know I unwholesomely ADORE, but come on, it IS unexpected, right?), is going to be on the TeeVee! I haz excitement! He won't be on until next year, so I'll have to rely on the
DVD and Shutter Island to tide me over (Shutter Island IS coming out this year, RIGHT?). Anyway, his show is Human Target, and I do not give a shit about the plot or other actors, only that he is small and snarky and I love his mustache. I was going to post pictures too, but I believe I'll save that for his Hot Guy post of Win, because NOBODY voted for Quinto. Movies* This is a site that tells you the best time to go to the bathroom during a movie. WHY I did not have this when I was dying during
, I do not know.Daily Hot Guy[David Tennant, AKA The Doctor, AKA Barty Crouch Jr, AKA WHY ARE YOU LEAVING US SO SOON, DOCTOR? HAVEN'T WE SUFFERED ENOUGH, YOU CRUEL SEXY SCOT?, rocking the stubble]Politics* Oh, this is a wonderful idea with absolutely NO CHANCE of negative repercussions: The Texas Senate is going to allow college students to walk around with concealed handguns. Because, as anyone who went to college will tell you, everyone in college is level-headed and clear-thinking, and people NEVER snap due to stress or hormones or because they are secretly bugshit insane. Because, clearly, the way to prevent another Virginia Tech massacre is to give EVERYBODY guns. Guns solve EVERYTHING, especially when you are drunk and stoned and hysterical because you think you're going to fail a major test, or your professor caught you cheating, or your boyfriend/girlfriend is sleeping with your roommate, or your roommate likes to walk around naked and is frightening without clothes. In conclusion, I am staying the HELL away from college students in Texas. - LV

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