* I keep forgetting to mention that I watched part of the last episode of E.R., a show I only sporadically watched, like when Quentin Tarantino directed a few episodes. I never really cared. But in the last episode, I got so sad when little old Ernest Borgnine was all sad about his dying wife. Plus he looked like my grandpa, who is also old and adorable.* How terrifying would THIS have been? According to IMDB, which is NEVER wrong, here are some of the people who could have been cast in Watchmen, . THIS COULD HAVE HAPPENED, PEOPLE:- Daniel Craig as Rorschach: I... What? WHAT? Daniel Craig is HOT. Rorschach.... isn't. Daniel Craig is also craggy and British and suave, and Rorschach... isn't. This is just confusing. I'm almost not upset, because it doesn't make ANY sense at all. He's a good actor, and I like him immensely, but... and isn't he tall? (OK, 5'10", but that's STILL too tall. And the idea of him as a redhead....)- Thomas Jane as
: I don't know. This COULD have worked, I guess. But he looks less like a military man and more like an insane hobo serial killer who picks off people because his dog told him to. And I can't picture him with that trademark snarl.- Simon Pegg as Rorschach: This is officially WTF casting. This may be worse than Daniel Craig. Look, Simon Pegg is frigging ADORABLE. He has those big, bewildered eyes, and he's round and huggable, and he's FUNNY, and not remotely threatening, even with his Rambo bandana and a big gun/cricket stick. He just isn't. Even in
when he was totally badass and could kill you with his thumb, I was still all DAWWW look at the wee British man! Yes, and let's not forget British. BRITISH IS NOT OK FOR RORSCHACH. Unless you can hide the accent, this will be an enormous problem, especially when the voice is pretty much all you have to work with. However, I am DELIGHTED he's playing Scotty in Star Trek and will cheer him on endlessly. - Jessica Biel as Silk Spectre II: Ew. Can I have some bland with that bland? And you KNOW Justin Timberlake would have insisted on scoring the movie, and then I would be in jail for murder, so let's all be thankful this never came to pass.- Nathan Fillion as The Comedian or Nite Owl II: It would have been pretty amazing to see him as a complete bastard, and I think he would have been more than capable of the schlumpy of Nite Owl, but I'm still happy it was Patrick Wilson and Jeffrey Dean Morgan. No offense, Nathan. Castle is an awesome show!- Hilary Swank as Silk Spectre II: Paul Greengrass, why you gotta play me like that? NO. This is not OK. She doesn't even KIND of look like her, and also I rather dislike Swank, for absolutely no good reason (OK, the reason is that Million Dollar Baby was a steaming pile of suck except for Morgan Freeman, who could make Baby Geniuses 2 look like Shakespeare).- Joaquin Phoenix as Nite Owl II: His current 'Am I crazy?' bullshit aside, I still don't think this would have worked. He just isn't Nite Owl. I can't see him in the role. Of course, currently I can only see him with his huge beard of staged madness, so that could be part of the problem.- John Cusack as Nite Owl II: I won't lie; this might have been incredibly cool. - Sigourney Weaver as Silk Spectre II: This too, although I would have spent the whole movie worried she would just crush Rorschach with one finger, and the movie would be OVER.- Tom Cruise as Ozymandias: As HILARIOUS as casting a tiny megalomaniac alien in this role would have been, the awful would have quickly reduced my amusement to ragged sobs.- Jude Law as Ozymandias: He has a Rorschach tattoo (which can't possibly be HALF as cool as mine, and also you're going bald, so I WIN) and he does have that snotty condescension... I can't think up a good reason why he shouldn't have been in the movie, but I'm still happy he wasn't.- Ron Perlman as The Comedian: This would have been LIFE-CHANGING. But you're only allowed to be awesome in one comic franchise at a time, and also he would have scared the everloving SHIT out of EVERYONE. Because Ron Perlman, when he wants to be, is the scariest mother alive.- Doug Hutchinson as Rorschach: I know this got a lot of support, but I was extremely relieved when he didn't get the role. Just because he can play creepy very well in on way means he can play Rorschach. Also, Jackie Earle Haley is permanently etched in my mind as the ONLY person EVER allowed to play Rorschach.- Robin Williams as Rorschach: Well, I just had a small stroke.- Jamie Lee Curtis as Silk Spectre II: No.... not feeling it.- Gary Busey as The Comedian: Ladies and gentlemen, the one man guaranteed to be more terrifying than Ron Perlman.- Richard Gere as Nite Owl II: No, see, Nite Owl HAS balls.- Kevin Costner as Nite Owl II: I said BALLS.In other news, missiles are being launched, the writing is on the wall, and the world is more like a comic than I ever wanted, only instead of masked heroes and pirates and AWESOME, we all die horribly, the end.- LV
: I don't know. This COULD have worked, I guess. But he looks less like a military man and more like an insane hobo serial killer who picks off people because his dog told him to. And I can't picture him with that trademark snarl.- Simon Pegg as Rorschach: This is officially WTF casting. This may be worse than Daniel Craig. Look, Simon Pegg is frigging ADORABLE. He has those big, bewildered eyes, and he's round and huggable, and he's FUNNY, and not remotely threatening, even with his Rambo bandana and a big gun/cricket stick. He just isn't. Even in
when he was totally badass and could kill you with his thumb, I was still all DAWWW look at the wee British man! Yes, and let's not forget British. BRITISH IS NOT OK FOR RORSCHACH. Unless you can hide the accent, this will be an enormous problem, especially when the voice is pretty much all you have to work with. However, I am DELIGHTED he's playing Scotty in Star Trek and will cheer him on endlessly. - Jessica Biel as Silk Spectre II: Ew. Can I have some bland with that bland? And you KNOW Justin Timberlake would have insisted on scoring the movie, and then I would be in jail for murder, so let's all be thankful this never came to pass.- Nathan Fillion as The Comedian or Nite Owl II: It would have been pretty amazing to see him as a complete bastard, and I think he would have been more than capable of the schlumpy of Nite Owl, but I'm still happy it was Patrick Wilson and Jeffrey Dean Morgan. No offense, Nathan. Castle is an awesome show!- Hilary Swank as Silk Spectre II: Paul Greengrass, why you gotta play me like that? NO. This is not OK. She doesn't even KIND of look like her, and also I rather dislike Swank, for absolutely no good reason (OK, the reason is that Million Dollar Baby was a steaming pile of suck except for Morgan Freeman, who could make Baby Geniuses 2 look like Shakespeare).- Joaquin Phoenix as Nite Owl II: His current 'Am I crazy?' bullshit aside, I still don't think this would have worked. He just isn't Nite Owl. I can't see him in the role. Of course, currently I can only see him with his huge beard of staged madness, so that could be part of the problem.- John Cusack as Nite Owl II: I won't lie; this might have been incredibly cool. - Sigourney Weaver as Silk Spectre II: This too, although I would have spent the whole movie worried she would just crush Rorschach with one finger, and the movie would be OVER.- Tom Cruise as Ozymandias: As HILARIOUS as casting a tiny megalomaniac alien in this role would have been, the awful would have quickly reduced my amusement to ragged sobs.- Jude Law as Ozymandias: He has a Rorschach tattoo (which can't possibly be HALF as cool as mine, and also you're going bald, so I WIN) and he does have that snotty condescension... I can't think up a good reason why he shouldn't have been in the movie, but I'm still happy he wasn't.- Ron Perlman as The Comedian: This would have been LIFE-CHANGING. But you're only allowed to be awesome in one comic franchise at a time, and also he would have scared the everloving SHIT out of EVERYONE. Because Ron Perlman, when he wants to be, is the scariest mother alive.- Doug Hutchinson as Rorschach: I know this got a lot of support, but I was extremely relieved when he didn't get the role. Just because he can play creepy very well in on way means he can play Rorschach. Also, Jackie Earle Haley is permanently etched in my mind as the ONLY person EVER allowed to play Rorschach.- Robin Williams as Rorschach: Well, I just had a small stroke.- Jamie Lee Curtis as Silk Spectre II: No.... not feeling it.- Gary Busey as The Comedian: Ladies and gentlemen, the one man guaranteed to be more terrifying than Ron Perlman.- Richard Gere as Nite Owl II: No, see, Nite Owl HAS balls.- Kevin Costner as Nite Owl II: I said BALLS.In other news, missiles are being launched, the writing is on the wall, and the world is more like a comic than I ever wanted, only instead of masked heroes and pirates and AWESOME, we all die horribly, the end.- LV
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